transformation

Last week during the spiritual disciplines group that I lead ... while we did Lectio Divina on a passage from Luke 9 about the transfiguration ... I had a funny thought occur that I don't think was my own. It felt like the Lord lead my thoughts as if I was going up the mountain with Jesus... and that the Lord was telling me deep in my heart that when I go to the Potter's Inn ... which is up on a mountain in Colorado... that I will be entering into a time of transformation. The passage says, "and when they became fully awake they saw His glory." I didn't spend much time thinking about it ... but it did stir a little bit of hope in me.

Later that week I wanted to dig into that passage again, so on Sunday I attempted doing Lectio on my own ... but this time it was a big fat blank ... like most other times that I attempted to dig into the word without a community around me. Community has made all the difference during the last year or year and a half of my Dark Night. Most of the times that I have heard from the Lord, or experienced Him in any way have been amongst other believers. I am not sure the I understand the fullness of that but nonetheless it seems to be how God has chosen to work in this season. So in my big fat blank I became frustrated again - almost resigned in my heart - that for some reason I just don't get to be intimate with Him right now - end of story - and I just have to keep on waiting.

So today, I decided to have some time to myself and do some reading. Currently, I am reading Soul Feast by Marjorie J. Thompson and I was reading about Lectio of all things. Suddenly, out of no where a verse that she quoted jumped off the page at me, "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening," from 1 Samuel 3:10. It was what Eli told Samuel when He was a small boy hearing the Lord's voice for the first time. OK - so scripture just doesn't do that to me right now ... so I asked the Lord - am I NOT listening? Then I noticed on the side of the page a quote that said,

"Read with a vulnerable heart. EXPECT to be blessed in the reading. Read as one AWAKE, one WAITING for the Beloved. Read with reverence." -Macrina Wiederkehr.

And I realized that I am STILL not expecting the Lord to show up when I put myself before Him. I am afraid - I am afraid that He is not coming, that I will be disappointed again, that I will have to wait more years for Him to come and get me out of this Dark Night ... I don't want that long long long space between drips anymore, so I don't even put my face under the faucet. I have stopped expecting the Lord to show up. So I instantly began confessing my fear ... and I set my heart to praying through the unbelief that I have stored up in this space ... and then I realized there is something even deeper that the fear was covering over. I asked the Lord what it was, and then I read a little further ... I got to this quote by Brother Lawrence,

"God has infinite treasures to give us. Yet a little tangible devotion, which passes away in a moment, seems to satisfy us. How blind we are, since in this way we tie God's hands, and we STOP the abundance of His grace! But when He finds a soul penetrated with LIVING FAITH, He pours out grace on it with abundance. God's grace is like a TORRENT. When it is stopped from taking its ordinary course, it looks for another outlet, and when it finds one, it spreads out with impetuosity and abundance."

While I read this I had a picture in my mind of me standing on a rock in a huge waterfall - water rushing on my right, on my left, that wild torrent... and yet it was passing me by. I had stopped it from  flowing over me, in me, through me... but that power - that torrent - was there - available - but I was missing it.

I prayed again... confessing my fear, my unbelief, and God impressed upon me again that this was just the surface and there was something deeper. I asked again, "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening." And He showed me a scene from an old Star Trek Voyager episode.... OK... well that's a little bit weird. It was an episode where one of the characters - Kes - basically transformed and became something totally new. She was like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. AND then the Lord reminded me of a movie I haven't seen in ages called The Abyss ... and at the end the main character goes down into the Abyss and meets a spectacular glowing alien race and is saved. OK. Again a bit weird. As I continued to listen in prayer I realized that the Lord was revealing my deeper fear - a complete unrecognizable transformation - that's what I am really afraid of. But at the same time telling me that - that is exactly where He is taking me - DEEP - into a total transformation. This prayer experience wiped away all of my fear. And my heart unclenched and released itself to the Lord and just said,"yes."

I went and found that episode of Star Trek and watched the parts where Kes begins and then finishes her transformation. I found myself wanting to be her ... wanting to let go... wanting to be free and fly. I am ready to be on the mountain with You, Lord. "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening."

opposites from Genesis

On the day that the Lord gave me the opposite of shame ... I began thinking of all other opposites in the first 3 chapters of Genesis ... It's been helpful thinking through some of these things though now as I am looking at the list some of them need to go together or I would shift them a bit but I thought it would be helpful to have it written here for my future study. I'm not sure which of them came first - so this list is random...

Garden Gift - Curse: work the ground
dominion - curse the ground
earth fruitful - curse the ground
live forever - finite
naked - animal skins
naked - fig leaves
eyes closed? - eyes opened
presence - cast out
access to God - cast out
image bearers - now image marred
unashamed - shameful
blessed - cursed
tree of life - tree of the knowledge of good and evil
open walk with God - hiding
relational peace? - blame
peace? - the enemy
righteous - broken
truth - lie
innocent - guilty
fullness - emptiness
life - death
wholeness - sin
provision - work
delights - toil
unlike God? - like God
freedom - guarded
humility - pride
God-centered - self-centered
see the Lord - see only self

sin - innocence
shame - wonder

the opposite of shame is ...

Its been a long while. Ive been busy with the kids and school but beyond that my computer never seems to be in my possession anymore! Today I am locked away in my room for some quiet time with the Lord. And it is still quiet. The Lord has shifted some things -- my heart feels glad, I have a couple of things that I get to 'do' now ... but HE is still quite quiet. I figured finally though, that perhaps I just need to walk into the quiet and be quiet with Him. Even a few months ago I would not have chosen to do this... it felt too frustrating and disappointing and I had a lot of fear bound up in not being 'met' with. I think that fear is gone - or been pushed aside? - because now I just want to put myself where God is MOST LIKELY to show up. And now I have an expectation that He just might show up, maybe it's because of some stirrings of late. Ideas are flowing more readily, scripture feels a little more 'something' then it did in the recent past. Music is grazing my soul more easily. It's just not full yet... it still doesn't feel like intimacy yet... I'm still waiting for that connection.

But here is what I've been thinking about for awhile now... and became especially prevelant in the last month. We had a women's retreat at our church ... and the speaker - though not awesome - had a couple of good things to contribute. The first night somehow I went back to thinking about shame. This topic has been much on my mind all throughout my dark night. I as I sat there not really listening I just kept praying about what the opposite of shame is. I kept asking God and trying to think through Genesis working the problem over and over in my mind. I've done some reading on shame over the last 3 years - some of which I agree with - some not so much. But one thing in all my study and thought is the realization that shame is the FEELING that comes from our sin. It is a consequence of sin. We (and by we I mean the church at large generally) just lightly touches on this subject. We will pass by this word in a song, or skim past it in a verse ... but I have come to believe that this is a huge underlying reason why we are so stuck in - steeped in - and why it is such a struggle for us to be transformed by God. To put it simply ... we are oblivious to how shame drives much of what we do, think, say and feel.

We have never learned to identify shame. We have never learned how to deal with shame. You may ask - but hasn't Jesus dealt with all of our sin and shame - shouldn't it just be wiped away like our sin was on the cross. Well heartily YES... quickly followed by... and NO. All of our sin was washed away by the blood of Jesus ... yet we still have to deal with the effects of our sin nature until we enter eternity ... so it is true that all of our shame was washed away with our sin but we still have to deal with those same effects that echo in our souls from shame.

So anyway back to the retreat ... I prayed and prayed for a word that means the opposite of shame ... I rolled Genesis 1-3 over and over in my mind. no answer came that night. The next day after our first session with the speaker ... she had prepared a word for each of the attendees. There were 150 words inside of blank envelopes that she passed around the room that you could choose from. i got my word and it said ... 'wonder'. I sat with that for a minute wondering what it was for ... and then it struck me what if THIS is the answer to my question from the night before ... is 'wonder' the opposite of shame? At first I really wasn't sure at all. I began mulling the word over in my mind trying to define it. My mind picture for shame is that idea of Adam and Eve running and hiding from God. Getting low in the bushes, sewing together fig leaves. It's a self focus - and inward feeling of disgust with oneself, a total feeling of wrongness - I am broken and I can not be fixed. Self-centeredness has now taken over.
When I began thinking of the word 'wonder' the pictures that come to my mind are of adorable children finding something amazing in the creek or their yard and running to their parents to show them its incredible beauty. Its an outward display of beauty on their face. It's peace and delight. It's the exact opposite of the self-centeredness of shame. But I still couldn't quite put the 2 words together as opposites just then - something didn't fit for me. The pictures seemed close but something felt off.

Then the other night I was dreaming ... but before I went to bed I prayed through the Divine Hours ... the final prayer of the day contained this ...

"And now I ask that you will work within me while I sleep, using the hours of my rest to create in mea new mind and heart and soul. May my mind, which during the day was directed to my work and activities, through the night be directed wholly to you. "

... I LOVE that. So I prayed it heartily. And I believe that God answered, because somewhere in the night I think I realized what the opposite is. What really brought it home for me was realizing the opposite of 'sin.' I would have thought it to be holiness ... but truly I think God told me in a dream while going over Genesis that it is INNOCENCE. And so the opposite of shame is in fact 'wonder'.

Innocence and wonder, sin and shame.

Why does this matter? Because we learn in opposites. It helps when we can wrap our minds wholly around the problem and examine it from start to finish.

So if sin and shame have been taken away by the blood of Christ ... then innocence and wonder can be restored to us ... the question then is posed to you God - how? what the heck does that look like? What does that mean for me - especially in light of what I went through 2 years ago - when you walked me through all of my shame? What exactly do you want for me next?

senses

I've actually been pretty happy lately. The days of numbness and shame are far behind, the white room and its blankness feel distant. The earth shattering desperation and ache are gone too. I feel kinda happy go lucky. I feel like The Lord has given me a breath... to freshen my soul... yet He is still quiet. Clearly, whatever He is up to in me is not yet done.

As I think back to my last Soul Care retreat ... and the spiritual direction I received ... I have been feeling a bit stuck, unsure where to go next. As I sat that day and explored how my body experiences life thru my 5 senses my heart rejoiced and felt released to worship... but now since I have been home that experience -- though I know it can't duplicated just seems to be out of reach. I tried to think through some other facet of myself like my mothering. I woke up one morning trying to figure out what about my mothering worships God ... but I hit that wall of shame... and though I fought against it ... could not get past it to contemplate anything worthwhile and life giving. It's like when I first began thinking about how my body worships while in Colorado, it went totally sideways. I ended up making a horrible list of all the ways I hate the way I look, and I had to pray for God to redirect my thoughts and give me a new idea. Maybe I wasn't quite ready to dig into mothering thoughts ... maybe I'm not done with my body yet either ... its funny but I've read a couple things where the 5 senses was mentioned and I feel like I'm supposed to keep exploring that, but when I have gone back to my list it doesn't feel quite right ... like I was supposed to shift and do something different with them but nothing occurred to me at the time.
Then the other day and idea popped into my head ... I'm going to guess it was the Holy Spirit but it could have been my idea -- is there a difference when He and I are meant to be one? not sure on that theological question -- anyway, I'm wondering if perhaps I am supposed to make a spiritual discipline up of exploring my 5 senses more fully and how they each have a role to play in how I/we worship. It makes me think back to one of the first women's retreats at my last church. Someone else was speaking but had asked me to make up a booklet for personal alone time. The idea was to send everyone out with some scripture and make it a full sensory experience. The 5 senses are what called out to me and I sought scripture for each one ... and put it into a journal. Perhaps I need to hunt that down again and see if the Lord is up to anything thru it.

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good... psalm 34
My soul thirsts for the Living God... psalm 42
My soul will be satisfied as with rich food... psalm 63
For your steadfast love is before my eyes ... psalm 26
To You I lift my eyes my eyes, O You who are enthroned in the heavens! ...psalm 123
Let me hear joy and gladness ... psalm 51
Let me hear what God the Lord will speak His people, for He will speak peace ... psalm 85
I cry aloud to God, aloud to God and He will hear me ... psalm 77

I can't find anything off hand for smell and touch ... Ill have to keep searching!

some excitement

I'm a bit excited these days because God is finally going to let me DO something! I have prayed and prayed over this. I have asked for confirmation 3 times ... which I got via a new friend who said ... why could it be wrong?, second through a devotional, and the third ... happened just after I was praying again for confirmation - she texted and said she was telling some ladies about the group and I hope you are not mad ... :) ...
So I am starting a soul care group.

I had no idea what to call it at first because it will NOT be a study. It's a group of women getting together to practice the spiritual disciplines together. This idea had been brewing in me for awhile. So I told a friend about it just after this last soul care retreat ... and she was so excited about it (she's the one who texted while I was praying!). The idea is to gather some women to do Lectio Divina together, then actually practice or discuss a new discipline to try during the next month, and then end in a different form of prayer - not extemporaneous prayer, but something more contemplative. So my friend started shooting out texts to people she wanted to invite, and my husband was so excited he shot an email out to the whole staff, and then I texted my friends ... and before I knew it within a week I had just over 20 people coming! Truly, I am amazed and excited!

I think I am most excited about is that I tend to hear from God right now ONLY when I am in community. So This will give me a monthly opportunity to feel his presence and hear from Him. Anything else that may happen is gravy on top. I hope God moves in us deeply as we put ourselves in front of Him.

honor

I promised a 'to be continued' on my last post and never delivered!

The last day of the retreat we had an opportunity to have 15 minutes blocks of time with the man who had been teaching us about spiritual formation all week. He is from Denver Seminary ... and our 15 min blocks were supposed to be for beginning a 'rule of life.' I had no idea what that was until he taught us that day ... it's a baseline of spiritual disciplines that are your 'go-to' disciplines. Anyway, I decided to sign up for my 15 minute slot and at least begin to think about what this might mean for someone in the middle of a dark night of the soul. My time slot had no one coming after ... so we sat and chatted under the shade of a tree. H and I had chatted a couple times at dinner in a group but I didn't have much opportunity to share anything in class or other times - so he knew nothing of my story except when I shared about my white box at the beginning of the retreat. So he just started out asking me about myself and my week. I told him about my conversation with G and what God showed me about exploring other parts of who I am -- not just looking at my spiritual side and the dark night. He was intrigued by that idea. He then asked about my dark night and so I described the last 3 years and all the stripping ... and I of course shed tears though all of that. He asked what my husband thinks of it all ... and I was able to share something he had said to me on our vacation ... He said that he had stopped talking to God and stopped reading the Bible because he was so angry on my behalf. I shed a tear over that sentiment ... knowing it was not the right thing - but touched that he had felt that strongly for me. I told him though -- that is so sweet but PLEASE - one of us should have access to God - so please get back with The Lord. Somewhere in all of that I just began expressing my heartfelt desire to be with Jesus again ... that truly from the bottom of my heart that is all I want is to be intimate with Him again. H at the end of our meeting said what an honor it had been to sit and listen to my story ... that I had inspired him. WHAT? really? I was blown away. He's a seminary professor and I'm just me - homeschooling pastors wife mom locked away at home in the middle of a dark night of the soul. These last 3 years have been so isolating - it was weird to hear him say that to me.
So in our last session Thursday night we had communion together ... the elements in the middle of our big circle of chairs ... we shared some stories and what we learned from the week and then prayed over communion. We were supposed to go up and get the elements for ourselves when we were ready. But I sat there and never felt quite ready ... I spent some time confessing ... especially spiritual pride of all things after what H had said to me earlier. Wishing my heart would focus off of myself and focus on Jesus. Man that is so my prayer. When all of a sudden I felt someone touch my hand. It was H - he was there kneeling in front of me! - offering me the communion elements - telling me Jesus' body is broken for me, His blood is shed for me. I can't even describe the tears as they welled up in me - it was involuntary - totally different - like my spirit was crying but not my brain - huge tears rolled down my face. A friend next to me grabbed my ankle as she kneeled on the floor and I was sitting in a chair. It was an amazing moment. I'm still not quite sure what to do with such a gift.

It makes me think of the last retreat ... when S gave me his 'beloved' ring ... now I have another moment to add to it of another man, H, kneeling to offer me communion. Both are such big moments - both bestowing an honor on me, both from older fatherly men, both feel 'bridal' in nature. I can't escape that symbolism ... that Song of Solomon, Christ and His Bride symbolism. I just wish I could fully understand what the Lord is saying to me in it. It feels clear though ... that God seems to be 'wooing' me.

my ebenezer fan

A lot has happened since I last wrote anything down. My family and I had 3 weeks of vacation ... and it was not the most relaxing of vacations. It was a tour up the east coast to Maine and back visiting different family members along the way. Without going into details ... there were just a bunch of different family issues at each stop that came into play that just made the whole vacation less about peace and quiet and more about serving. That is not a bad thing - it was just different than expected - and if I am being honest not really what I wanted.

Putting that all aside ... as soon as we arrived home I had my second retreat to Colorado for the Soul Care Institute. It was a beautiful setting - gorgeous grounds on a convent in Colorado Springs. Beautiful stone buildings, nestled in the foot hills of the mountains, in lush real grass, with deer that ate from your hand, and perfect sunny cool days.

The first full day of the retreat they always give us a 5-6 hour window for silence and solitude. This is my least favorite part because I always get silence from God, so who needs 6 hours set apart for it? I decided to schedule my spiritual direction hour to fall during this time to suck up at least one of those blasted hours. I met with a women I haven't really talked with a whole lot ... that was the first problem but I tried to remain open anyway. Since she didn't know my story I tried to share it very briefly with her so that I could get to the current problem. When I shared though I was very scattered and chaotic ... and she latched onto the part about me not being healed from shame yet. She thought it might be a good idea to do some healing prayer in that direction and I consented - truly not sure what God wanted for the time. So we dove into healing prayer ... that means I had to track down my first memory where shame came onto the scene. I came to the time when my mom came and told me that she, and my brother and I were all moving out because my parents were separating. Then you're supposed to go back into that memory and invite Jesus to come and speak to you in some way about that event. Before we prayed though, I asked 'what if He doesn't show up?' She assured me He would ... but after about 5 minutes of imagining the scene and asking Him to show - He most decidedly did NOT show up. So deflated she and I went our separate ways for the rest of the afternoon. I wandered around trying to nap unsuccessfully and ended up staring at the trees and the sky and the planes dragging gliders into the sky for the airfare academy students. It was a LONG afternoon. Then finally a couple in my cohort came along having broken their silence and I was massively relieved to have 2 someones to talk with!

The next day S and G from the Potter's Inn were down to join us for the day and they decided to offer some hours of spiritual direction. I immediately signed up for one with G. So when we sat down that afternoon I was able to dive right in because G already knows my story. I told her about my white room. The white room has no windows and no doors, no 2 way mirror, and I am most decidedly not in a straight jacket!, its bright and and clean so that feels hopeful but I am sitting in the middle and I am bored and have no idea what this feeling is for - or what the heck I am supposed to do in there. So once again I find myself frustrated (mildly) but resigned to wait. I reiterated to G again just how much I want to be with the Lord - how much I long for Him ... and then she said something very interesting! She said ... 'A----,  I have often heard you say that, and I do not doubt your heart on that, but I am wondering what would happen if we set your longing aside for a while?' ... What? ... hmmm... She went on to explain ... 'What if you explored all the other pieces of who you are for a while?' ... She prefaced all of this by saying that all the parts of me - are all me - and are all one - and are ALL spiritual. No part of me whether it is my body or my mind, or my mothering or being a wife or pastor's wife, or my creativeness, or any other facet of my life ... is separate from any other part - and each part of who I am is part of me and is SACRED. So she suggested that if I set aside my focus from the spiritual - stopped looking at my longing for God constantly - perhaps God would reveal something new about who I am and what He wants for me.

Ok - like WOW - what a CRAZY thought. I sat there pondering that and G asked me what I was thinking about it all. And I said the whole idea reminded me of something the Lord directed me to way back in December. That whole idea of a new bucket. The essence of that whole thing started because S had said to me I didn't know myself at all ... which made me angry. I tossed and turned all night thinking about my intimacy with the Lord because of it. Anyway I came out on the other side of that realizing that I up until then the only thing that I offered to the Lord constantly - was my dark and ugly sinful self. And what He wanted from me was for me to discover my 'glory', my 'belatedness', my created beauty... so that I could offer more than just my ugly half to Him. Because how can you be intimate with God ... when you only offer Him half of who you are. And I realized in that night that if God created us to be intimate with Him ... then this dark night of the soul was to bring me from less intimacy to more intimacy with Him. Yet here I was only giving Him half of myself. So this whole new bucket thing ... was about filling a new 'beautiful' bucket ... the problem was The Lord never showed me what to do with it ... until now!

So I shared all of this with G... and then she and I were on a roll together. She said what if you explored how as a mother you worship God? Or with your body? Or as an artist? Or as a wife? Then I came up with an illustration ... I had a picture of a southern fan in my mind (you know the kind that flip out to one side so women can shyly hide behind them as they keep their faces cooled), but my fan was all closed up and all I could see was one piece of the fan, because that was all I could imagine. All I could see was the outside - or the spiritual side of things. But G was saying what if you clicked it open and explore the different facets inside? One part for each part of me ... she said 'A----, what if you spent some time honoring each part of who God has made you to be - because He wants YOU - ALL of YOU. And if you think about one of those fans ... there is usually a beautiful picture all printed on the fan. This had my brain all stirred up.

So G prayed over me as we closed ... but I could barely hear what she had to say because now suddenly I was picturing myself back in that white room... and it was if God was pointing out that I was in fact the only thing in that room. And that the reason He had given me all white walls was because it was in fact a blank slate - or a new bucket - or a blank canvas - to paint on. I was the thing He wanted me to look at - but He wanted me to look at myself in a whole new way.

OK WOW.

Now I had something to do in the rest of my solitude that afternoon. So I went off by myself with a journal and started thinking through the questions ... what DOES God want me to know about myself? What AM I supposed to explore about myself? I ended up starting in with my body. We had talked about the different dimensions that make us up that day in class and the BODY stood out the most for whatever reason. So I sat there trying to figure out just even what to ask about my body - and how it describes me? I didn't get it at first ... and I started describing what I like and dislike about my appearance ... THIS DID NOT GO WELL. My list was full of horrible things ... and I think I had only one like on the whole page. I even wrote on the bottom ... 'I'm pretty sure this is not what God had in mind - I need a new idea!' So I sat there a few minutes and this idea popped into my mind, 'how does your body experience the world?'... I answered my own thought ... 'through my 5 senses.' This idea resonated with me because of specifically surrendering my 5 senses last summer to God. So I began to write down the things I like to physically feel with my hands... I had picked a Lamb's Ear leaf earlier that day because they are so soft! and I just love them ... so that was one of my first thoughts ... then soft blankets, the wind on my face etc... etc... etc... and it just kept building. Then I moved on to hearing, smelling, tasting and seeing! By the time I made it through half the list I was so filled with this amazing joy and gratitude, like I hadn't felt in years. It was astonishing! Everyone said that evening how changed I was - that I was glowing. It truly was a crazy good afternoon.

And the whole thing seems so simple. So child-like. So basic. But it was so far from it. This was God teaching me to see myself with new eyes. To NOT see the ugly sinful parts of who I am - and believe me, they are all still there and will not be overlooked! - but they do not need to be explored for right now. God is asking me to see myself the way that HE sees me. He looks on me with absolute love and devotion ... but I have continually seen myself only as black and disgusting full of sin - full of shame - and that's how I keep presenting myself to Him. What intimacy can there be in that? What a crazy thought... that He wants me - to see ME - as beautiful, because HE sees me as beautiful.

So I bought myself a fan ... as an ebenezer... a memorial to this lovely day ... exploring my TRUE self.

From April 30

A friend texted me about fear this morning as she listened to a Piper sermon ...

"Fear does battle with our faith. The two cannot co-exist. When we fear, we submit to the kingdom of this world. When we lift our eyes up in faith, we rise above it."

I texted back...

Perfect love casts out all fear, and when we submit to His perfect love - FULLY abandoned to whatever He brings and allows into our lives - then we will overcome fear. The question is how? I keep saying 'yes' ... and 'yes' again... yet I am still waiting...

So all morning as I consume TV as if I am eating snickerdoodles ... I asked myself - what am I so afraid of? What am I so afraid of that I watched TV until 2 am last night? - unable to fall asleep while my husband is away. What is causing me to rush to my TV alter today to bow down?

I'm not quite sure on all the particulars ... but I think I'm afraid of the silence itself.

rethinking prophecies

Its a horrible rainy day here in Florida, it's a rare occurrence to have no sun during the day. This followed a wretched night's sleep that had me tossing and turning, and I truly believe that last night my cat was a messenger of Satan waking me up each time I was about to fall back to sleep. This particular night I had restless leg syndrome again ... a crazy legged form of insomnia that I have had to deal with for the past 9 years - gosh I can't believe its been that long. I've learned that food plays a huge part in it ... so I avoid caffeine, sugar, and wheat along with most grains except rice really. Yesterday though, I was completely good and ate none of those things ... so the restless leg syndrome could not have been caused by food. And so as I tossed and turned in my sleep I thought all of that through and figured this - along with my stupid cat - was a demonic attack. I spoke the name of Jesus out loud in my half awake stupor... and instantly my legs relaxed and I could sleep for a while. The hits just kept coming though in other ways... crazy dreams, more cat craziness, and even my husband was having weird dreams.

I thought about all of this when I finally woke up in the morning ... and remembered back to some prophetic moments regarding my restless leg syndrome... they are from a few years ago... the first of which came along the same time that God began His silence... so I went back to read the blog posts that I had written. 

A friend had told me about a dream she had had about me and then the Lord tied the dream to my restless leg syndrome as I was up praying about it ...

You had just come back from a prophecy conference or something like that and you were so excited - glowing and beautiful. And you were especially excited about this new way of praying that you had learned. You wanted to show me, so you laid down on the floor and twisted your legs into a crazy but beautiful position. And it was clear that the strength in prayer came from your legs and this crazy beautiful position could not be achieved by human means. 

So in the rest of the blog post - as I was reflecting on this connection - the Lord said that my RLS was for my 'training'. Honestly, that still confuses me.... hold on ... I just had an aha moment... I always thought it was for some kind of spiritual training ... now I have just realized that it's for my problems with food. My legs are teaching me- what to eat and not. They make me pay the price when I am eating something that is simply NOT ok for my body - sucky but true. I'm not entirely sure the 'why' of it all -just what is happening. Later that year I had a friend text me 2 related prophecies about me at the Table of the Lamb in heaven ... I still don't fully understand each of them but here is the gist of the first : I was sitting there with my mouth missing unable to eat and I was totally confused ... and at the end the Lord yelled out "I want your appetite!" This came just a day after I had heard the Lord speak to me "I want you hungry." About a month later she texted again with part 2 of the vision ... this time I was ushered to the table as Mephibosheth was ushered to David's table. He was Saul's crippled grandson. And as just the Lord and I sat there, my mouth was returned and I was radiant and at peace. I had a doubled edged sword at my right hand and a bowl of water at my left. This second prophecy came just after I had written a post signifying that the fast I had been on for Lent was over ... so now I'm wondering just how significant that fast may have been ... and just how wrong my conclusions were at the time... prophecy really does take time to unfold.

Perhaps that fast was more symbolic than I had realized ... I still don't understand it all but I think that  time of fasting was a small event representing the greater event of His silence... framed with 2 prophecies from a friend about being at the Table of the Lamb... starting out mouthless and confused but in the second able to sit, eat and be satisfied in the presence of the Lord. All the symbols don't make sense yet ... like me as Meph ... will I have 'crippled' legs as I continue on with the Lord? Will this be something I have to deal with for the rest of my days? And what about that bowl of water and sword? The Word and the Spirit? What does that mean? I guess I will need to keep pondering ...

So while I was back in my archives checking out these prophecies I came across a dream I had back in August 2013...

My dream was of me racing down the Niagara River heading toward the Niagara Falls ... I had fallen in and couldn't get out and now I am about to go over! The fear was so big - so scary I woke up so startled!

And I realized as I reflected on my dream that the only way I was going to get out of that crazy current was to be rescued. I need to be RESCUED. Plucked out of the water by some massive hand and put back on land - nothing else would do. When you are heading for the Falls - what else could save you?

So as I was looking at the post and the next one and I realized this dream had little to do with my conclusion at the time and was in fact a warning that I was indeed heading over the Falls into an abyss ... but I still haven't been rescued yet ... that falling - was a falling into this great silence - my dark night of the soul. And indeed I do need to be rescued by the hand of God - and His alone. The very next post I wrote I began talking about God's silence ... and things have not been the same since... 

Why can I see these things now? Can I dare hope that this is the beginning of the rescue? That the reason these things are taking shape and becoming clearer is that I am being plucked out of the Falls?
I'm afraid to hope like that. 

blank

Blank is the word I would use to describe how it feels inside of me now. It doesn't matter what I read or what I study ... things don't really stick. It feels like I'm in a white room with no windows or doors - its just blank in every direction. I feel almost like a clean slate with nothing written on me... for example I was reading the Divine Hours yesterday for prayer and the scripture that I read felt as though I had never read it - like it was totally brand new. It's hard to explain the feeling really because I knew in my mind that I did know the scripture ... it was really just how it 'felt' as I was reading. It's hard to hold onto things - and things still feel like they do not penetrate all the way down.

dictation from my closet

When I got up this morning and I knew I was already struggling with feelings of shame and self-loathing. I tried to reset myself with a worship song, tried to focus and pray. But it wasn't going well. I woke my kids up right before I left for the grocery store, so they would be ready for homeschool when I got back. But even while I was there ... the battle raged and I was losing. Its just I didn't really get that. When I arrived home one of my daughters - the one who pushes my buttons the most was still in her pajamas - it's been an hour - but she's basically accomplished nothing aside from feeding the cat. Now I'm super frustrated and I begin to lose it. I started yelling, just yelling at her, and yelling and yelling at everyone and then the scream that had been building was unleashed. I was totally unhinged.

The screaming didn't stop until my other daughter got in my face with tears in her eyes and yelled back at me. We all dispersed and went to our rooms, closed the doors and it was quiet. I sat in my room for what seemed like a long time and just wondered what the hell I was doing. What was that all about? 'Other' daughter went to my other two and prayed with them and got them started on schoolwork - because she's good like that - though she shouldn't have to be. I went to each of them and apologized for screaming at them. Later I apologized again and told them that this was definitely not about them - but was about me. I asked for their forgiveness. And again, back in my room, I shut the door and I realized that this scream was brewing for a long while. I had been needing to scream and just get stuff out. I even wrote about that recently. But I haven't been saying any of it out loud to my husband - to anyone. I just wish I hadn't spewed my shit all over my children. But that frustration was clearly the tipping point for me, the last straw on my interior haystack ... and the long brewing mess just blew up.

I've been ignoring?avoiding?unaware of the severity? of all that was brewing up underneath my surface. It's just really hard and I didn't know how to deal with it. No matter how many times I slap the truth over it - it doesn't seem to stick to me. And I FEEL like God has left me alone to deal with all this stuff on my own. He's not listening, is not present, he's not helping me. But I can not do this without Him. So here it was all out and about, and I didn't know what to do with it other than to confess my sin, and apologize to my kids -- but that simply is not going to cut it this time. I don't want THIS again. Whatever all of THIS was.

So as I thought back to the desperation and self-loathing that was brought out last week. Figuring that THIS had to be about them. What else would bring out so much horror? 

Last week I mostly thought about desperation and what that means. At first I wasn't sure if it was sinful. Heck, we sing songs about it -  I'm desperate for you - etc... and I didn't know if it was wrong or right, but I DID know is that it was pointed out to me for a reason. So I immediately confessed it. I talked it over with my friend one day at lunch trying to just understand it. I told her when I think of desperation I picture someone clawing his way through the desert looking for water. He can't stop or he will die of thirst. His longing will not let him stop. He is desperate. But I decided that this feels like striving. I'm still searching and trying to get it on my own. But we wondered how you keep the longing but get rid of the striving. What is the opposite of desperation? Because if I shut off my longing ... I literally have nothing left. That is all I have standing in for intimacy with The Lord right now - that longing ache is everything - which apparently falls under a bad 'desperate' column. 

That night as I fell asleep - I thought of it again - what IS the opposite of desperate? And then this image came to me ... instead of someone clawing through the desert looking for water ... what if they stopped, flipped themselves over on the sand, arms flung out, mouth open wide ... and they just waited. Waited for God to bring the water. This is the opposite of desperation: EXPECTANT. That's what this new picture is ... someone who is waiting on God to fill. And I realized I have shut that part of me off. As much as I have been waiting ... and have KNOWN no one else could fill me BUT God ... I stopped expecting Him to show up everyday. Because He hasn't shown up in any way that has felt like showing up. And in my exhaustion and delirium, I just kept clawing away on my own because I am so damn thirsty.

That's really what that Isaiah 41:17-20 passage is about. 

17 When the poor and needy seek water,

    and there is none,

    and their tongue is parched with thirst,

I the Lord will answer them;

    I the God of Israel will not forsake them.

18 I will open rivers on the bare heights,

    and fountains in the midst of the valleys.

I will make the wilderness a pool of water,

    and the dry land springs of water.

19 I will put in the wilderness the cedar,

    the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.

I will set in the desert the cypress,

    the plane and the pine together,

20 that they may see and know,

    may consider and understand together,

that the hand of the Lord has done this,

    the Holy One of Israel has created it.

He is reminding me of what He has already said ... HE WILL FILL. HE WILL MAKE ME NEW. Terraforming is coming. I am in the chrysalis and change is happening. 

But - BUT my problem is - as I am sitting in my closet dictating these thoughts into my phone is that I doubt. Because it has been too long. And I am tired of feeling like I am doing all of this on my own. And no matter how many times I pray and ask for help - 'help' never seems to come. He hasn't filled, He hasn't rescued, He hasn't brought me water ... I get drips - damn drips - every other week -- just enough to keep me here but not enough to satisfy. And so I began my own clawing journey in hopes of finding something MORE. Herding from a distance is NOT the same. Knowing in my head you are here is NOT the same. The DRIPS don't SATISFY!

I don't know if I have stopped being desperate - though I have confessed it. Instead now I try and picture myself - laying out on the sand mouth wide open instead ... and waiting on God. But Lord, my lips are cracked and my throat burns and I am out of tears. 

Perhaps though my mouth/cup can not be filled because something - i.e.. self-loathing - is taking up too much space in me ... and based on that scream I know that must be true. How do I get rid of it? I don't think Im supposed to do this on my own? I don't want to scream at my kids again. I am tired and lonely, and my self-hatred seems to take up all of the air. Somewhere in here I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made - but my soul DOESN'T know it well. I feel like I have been praying that prayer for 20 years now - my heart still doesn't get it.

No matter how many times I reflect on scripture and try and see something about shame or self-loathing, or the image of God - it just doesn't strike me - it doesn't stick - it doesn't stay in - and I can't make it stay. I need revelation, and God has not seen fit to give it to me yet. So I don't how much longer I have to go on like this, You brought this to my attention. I have lived in it,  my kids and husband have experienced it - more than just today,  and now I don't know what to do to combat it. The enemy is just having a field day, and I'm letting him have a field day, and I hate that. How can I just throw scriptures out there in battle if I don't believe them? My heart can't receive the truth - but maybe that doesn't matter?

Because the truth is true in the end. Whether I believe it or not. So I want to declare truth to myself --I am fearfully and wonderfully made I want my soul to know it well. I want to know that I was created to be intimate with God and that He wants to be intimate with me. That He is calling me out of this into something better. And just because I don't know how to get there or what to do or what to read or what to focus on, and things just don't stick ... Lord, I just pray that you would show up, and that you would teach me something new, and that you bring revelation to my heart, and that you would change me. I'm tired of working, I'm tired of trying to figure it out, I'm tired of not hearing you in Scripture, I'm tired, and I don't I don't know how else to fight. I wish you would fight more for me, I wish it was easier to see that You're there,  I do know you're doing something, I just wish I knew what it was. I don't know what it's all for, I don't know when it will be over, and I want more breakthrough, I just don't know that I can go on like this.

Somehow I need to be thankful for the drips that come even though I want it to gush. You know I want water just to fall on me and take over,  that's just not what is happening. BUT I want to be thankful for the drips that you give me. Somehow they sustain something in me. I want to be thankful for the life that you've given me because it is good. Help me to remember that You're good, God, even when it's sucky and horrible, somehow your righteousness covers all the crap I do.

Jesus, forgive me for being such a mess. 

meeting place

I woke again this morning thinking about the condition of my heart ... the 2 things at the bottom of it... desperation and self loathing. How can it ever be quiet and be a meeting place with the Lord - if they are crowding it up? The answer is simple: it can't be ...

After the Potter's Inn retreat, I came home with so many things stirring ... even if I couldn't really get a grip on them... and so I began reading to try and keep things moving forward. So I read all the books I mentioned in an earlier post ... but the one I haven't mentioned was ' The Way of the Heart ' by Henri Nouwen. This one so far has me stopped in my tracks. It was an earth shattering read. He explains the Desert Fathers in a succinct and powerful way. He boils it down and helps apply it to our extremely loud culture. Because how can americans ever hope to emulate desert monks who viewed a solitary existence as essential to knowing Jesus? He offers three words to summarize - flee, be silent, pray - and then unpacks them to combat the 'comfortable self-centeredness' which so characterizes american culture.

I'm not going to get into all the particulars of the book in this moment ... I'll get to that in another post soon - but really I just want to get to the BIG takeaway for me... which is this: creating a solitary and quiet place to meet with God in your heart.

Hasn't this been my journey now for a while - to find and live in my union with Christ? And then I read about the desert fathers going and working it out in complete solitude - for decades at a time. BUT my problem is - I don't have that 'luxury' - I have a husband and 3 kids ... and as much as I would love to run away sometimes ... I'm pretty sure thats not what I am called to at all ... but man I still want to experience and live in my union with Christ.

Here are a few of the quotes that I'm chewing on from Nouwen:

' It is the heart that is the place of prayer. The prayer of the heart is a prayer that directs itself to God from the center of the person and thus affects the whole of our humanness. '

' Prayer is standing in the presence of God with the mind in the heart; that is, at the point of our being where there are no divisions or distinctions and where we are totally one. There God's Spirit dwells and there the great encounter takes place. There heart speaks to heart, because there we stand before the face of the Lord, all-seeing, within us. '

' By its very nature such prayer transforms our whole being into Christ precisely because it opens the eyes of our soul to the truth of ourselves as well as the truth of God. '

So here's my take away from that ... That my oneness with Jesus already exists. I know this ... at least I know it in my head with a very limited experience of it. It exists in the place where the Holy Spirit dwells within me - because thats where our spirits touch -  and thus can become one. So to experience this oneness - to have an encounter with The Lord ... I need to descend into my heart to meet with Him face to face - my heart is the meeting place. Well what happens when my heart is covered up with all kinds of crap - things in the way obstacles? That's where this post comes full circle and I get back to looking at my desperation and self-loathing.

I wondered yesterday if desperation was bad ... we sing songs about it ... I'm desperate for you... like a beggar searching for food, or someone lost in the desert without water ... It feels like a search without end - it sounds like striving. Perhaps I don't need to be desperate at all especially if everything I need to be in union with Christ is already here. But I think the endless waiting is what has made me desperate. It's the dire 'please help' - I actually am starving - I actually am dying of thirst for Jesus ... how do I shut that off? It goes beyond just feeling that way ... its my whole mode of living. Its exhausting. Jesus said 'Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest...' I have come but He hasn't granted rest yet.

The self-loathing I recognize needs to go ... I get it again that 'self'-anything is a twisted up form of pride. What makes me keep swimming in it? What keeps it churning up? I think it's that unhealed place of shame - that 'I'm just not worth it' pile of garbage that still lives in the depths of my soul. It can't go away on its own - I can't wish it away - It  must be washed away through revelation and have it healed and replaced.

So what does this leave me with? Not much more than I started with ... I still have to wait - wait for Jesus to come and make more cracks in this chrysalis I am in.

tar and shame

I woke up this morning trying to connect to the ache in my soul. But it seems that even that connection to God was missing this morning. Usually, that's the only thing I feel - the ache of wanting to be near God ... now even that was silent this morning. In days past, I would wake up and let myself feel it, connect to it, let myself long for Jesus ... spend a couple minutes in prayer - or even just crying out in my heart - and then I would get up and start my day. And I would start my day then with very little expectation that the silence status quo would change. I would just move ahead with life ... knowing God is there but just feels so damn distant. Some days my faith feels stronger and I can accept what is ... and other days I just want to scream ... scream for all the things I want to change. I wrote a post about that yesterday but I haven't been brave enough to post it yet. Yesterday was a day I wanted to scream ... because even the ache is gone ... and I really don't want to go numb again ... I so don't want that...

As I sat on my couch this morning reading a novel ... I was struck with how quiet the house was. And I sat there for a minute longing to be outside - but it was too hot and sticky today. I tried to connect to my ache again there in the quiet ... but couldn't get there. I wondered what had frozen over in my soul ... like a puddle that melts in the days sunlight but freezes again at night. I thought about silence and solitude for a moment ... remembering what was spoken of on the retreat ... how silence is the gatekeeper to solitude ... and solitude is the meeting place of God. In that moment all I got was silence ... no meeting with God. But 2 things came into my mind as I asked my heart what was going on in there... desperation and self-loathing. 2 things that are at war within me - deep within.

My desperation was obvious to me ... that's the ache - my deep desire to be with Jesus - I couldn't feel it - but I could name its existence deep within. The self-loathing isn't really a surprise either ... I struggle to love myself - like myself - care about myself. I began thinking about how I look at myself in the mirror, I look with a lot of indifference lately. I just don't care about working at my appearance - or finding something pretty to wear - its all about comfort and convenience - and getting the job done. I am overweight and disgusted by it -- and when I catch a glimpse in a shop window or mirror on the go somewhere I hate what I see. I hate looking at myself in photos I hate even seeing my reflection in FaceTime. But its so much deeper than appearance, that's just an outer reflection of the inner reality. I just feel like I have a big tarpit of shame within and I am stuck in it ... not having any idea how to get out. I asked a short prayer - 'Lord, is self-loathing a sin?' I don't know and I didn't get an answer but I prayed and confessed it anyway. What can it hurt. I asked God to forgive me and teach me - to wash me.

Tar and shame are a messy business though ... I'm pretty sure it won't be that easy.

I read a quick article online about self hatred ... just to see what people say about it. It wasn't really helpful other than letting me know it is sinful. I guess I am supposed to know I am fearfully and wonderfully made - and the temple of the Holy Spirit - etc etc ... but it doesn't penetrate - just like everything else doesn't penetrate.

Then I remembered something from the retreat ... if we are describing ourselves like icebergs and only a fraction of who we are lives above the waterline ... then we need to get to know the stuff below  - ourselves below. But not just the good can be seen and blessed -- but we need to embrace the bad - the sinful - the ugly - and somehow learn to bless it. Walk with God into it and accept it as part of ourselves ... my problem I think is that I want to throw that stuff away and reject it. I want no part of it. In the article they talked a lot about perfection - trying to be perfect - and at first that didn't strike me - as me - I know I am a sinner ... I KNOW I need God - I am desperate for Him. But what if deep inside I'm still trying to do it all for myself - be perfect so I can be perfect so that deep within all will finally be quiet and settled - so I can be quiet for me.

I don't know ... just thoughts ... like I said tar and shame are a messy business. And I'm pretty sure I can't get out on my own.

Lectio from Potter's Inn

It's a time for solitude. Each day we are supposed to have many hours of it. We had a few teachings today ... We had a teaching on Lectio Divina ... Which was more of an experience in Lectio than teaching which was nice. Then S taught on WHY we need soul care - what is the soul - and why have we screwed up its care so drastically in our country. It was a good teaching. Then we had a teaching on solitude. It also was a good teaching and a practical walk thru of how to practice it. S made a point at the end of saying THIS IS PRACTICE. Because you may not actually meet with God ... Lower your expectations ... Solitude is supposed to be a meeting place with God. It's about practicing the awareness of His presence... Because He is always with us ... It's a matter of removing our barriers to Him - and quieting ourselves enough to hear His voice and to sense Him. I came back to my cabin and truly tried to here and focused .... I tried to do a Lectio on my own to start with scripture ... And that felt like a total bust ... Then I just I just tried to pray... But I don't even know what to pray anymore. A holy nap seemed the only option after that. I just feel like a total blank ... Like there is nothing moving in me. One man before we broke for lunch during the teaching on solitude at the end just honestly said he just really didn't believe it was possible that God would come to Him and meet His deepest needs. Everyone praised him for his honestly. I get that feeling ... But that is not where I am ... I KNOW God is real and amazing - I have seen Him come and fill me - and meet my needs and work miracles in and around me. ... I KNOW it ... But I doubt/fear that He will come and do it today ... Or any day in the future just because I really want Him too. He is withholding His presence from me for a reason - and that reason is not done yet ... So my expectations are at zero for Him to reveal himself to me. Even during Lectio today ... We were focused on the transfiguration. What was the thing that got called out to me in the first reading was that Jesus' clothes turned as into light b/c the theme of clothing covering our shame has been running through my mind lately. The second read through I could see the light as a theme ... It shone in His face, His clothes and in a cloud of light that covered them - light penetrated everything - it was overwhelming - over powering - unveiling. In the third reading I noticed when it was done and the disciples were bowed down in fear - Jesus then came to them. He came and got them. He initiated it. Perhaps the light is not done penetrating me yet ... So Jesus therefore won't come and get me until it's done. Penetrate me Jesus. Break me down to marrow and bone. Let me fall on my face in awe and fear. And then come and get me so we can be together again.

Some Books

I've read a bunch of books that were assigned for my Soul Care Institute reading ... Shaped by the Word by Muholand, Sayings of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, The Way of the Heart by Nouwen, and I started Care of Souls by Benner ...

I started with Shaped by the Word b/c I thought there may be some grand insight for me in there since scripture just falls off of me -- maybe, I thought, I am doing something wrong? ... or perhaps there is something totally different that I COULD be doing? The book is good ... it talks a lot about shifting our approach to scripture ... not reading to get information - to gain knowledge - not going in to get what I need and leaving again but to let the WORD shape you ... to come open handed letting the Lord really get a hold of me as I read. To let my time with The Word be an experience with The Lord and not just an opportunity to come, take, and go. Certainly, everyone has to study the scripture at some point and just gain insight and knowledge - understand doctrine, grasp theme and content. Far too few actually learn for themselves and instead just accept whatever is spoken in church. But even less I think pick up the Bible to actually let it be an encounter with the Lord ... or let the time in The Word take hold of them and speak. It's truly a good admonition ... he had many strong points. The only problem for me was ... it didn't address any of my particular issues. But that's fine... most books don't address my issues. I am already seeking an encounter with God just about any and everywhere ... especially in The Word ... and it still doesn't come. So moving on ....

Next I started Benner ... this I thought would be amazing b/c he wrote the gift of knowing yourself that was so impactful back in December .... THIS book is not THAT book however... this book is a history of how psychology has impacted the church. Interesting read in small doses ... but not a joy to pick up and dive into. I set it down unfinished and picked another.

The Sayings of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, was what I picked next. This is mostly about 1 desert monk in particular - Antony - they say he is the father of this desert monk movement. This was a strange book. The whole thing had such a mythological quality. It was hard to believe the stories that were told in here because they sounded completely crazy. But here's the thing ... I'm usually into the crazy and miraculous. BUT this was something beyond. Antony lived in the desert alone for most of his adult life - and he lived to be a 105 or so. He barely ate, slept, or saw other people. He owned almost nothing and rarely even bathed. But they say that his face was just like an angel. He was filled with such love and compassion and a whole heck of a lot of discernment when others did come to seek out his counsel, and he also was able to perform miracles and prophesy the future. For the first 20 years he lived completely alone in a cave and just did battle with the enemy almost constantly - who appeared to him in bodily form regularly. This proving ground grew his faith to epic proportions.  And thereafter, He NEVER FEARED AGAIN. He loved to be alone with the Lord, loved to be obedient, took scripture at absolute face value and followed it. He found fasting to be absolutely vital to his life with God. He learned to pray without ceasing and often gave up sleep to pray through the night. Yet God sustained and strengthened him ... he was never weak or tired or helpless. Its simply amazing and weird to contemplate ... I mean how does one even begin to apply anything he said or did to an american life? ... even the simplest of american lives are too complex. I left that book kind of dumbfounded, wondering what if anything I needed to take away from it.

That's when I picked up Nouwen's The Way of the Heart. He sort of interprets and boils down the essence of the desert fathers ... so I am really glad I began with the other one first ...

cracks

I hardly know what to write about my time at Potter's Inn. It was/is hard to hold onto and put into words ... like water running through your hand. It has a very ethereal quality. I wrote down a bunch of notes, all things I want to be able to reflect on ... so perhaps over the next few months before the next retreat I will touch on the things that happened and what I learned.

The first day that we really began they gave us a ton of solitude in the afternoon ... and I was a total blank. I stared at the walls and wondered what the heck I was going to do with all the time. Nothing seemed to fit ... no scripture was tugging at me ... no thoughts to even think ... just a big blank nothing. Which totally frustrated me... as it tends to, because I feel like that is all I get is silence and nothing. I just wanted God to DO something - anything - I didn't care what. Thankfully, some people were praying for me back home. Because the next day was different.... something cracked open.

We were in a session talking about being God's beloved. That if we know that we are loved in our depths ... truly everything else falls into place - we feel at home in ourselves, in our relationships, in life. It's one of 3 basic questions we need to be able to answer: Are we loved? Are we valued? Are we safe? If we can answer those - not just in our head -- but really get it in our core all the way down -- then these answered questions - questions that can only really be answered by The Lord -- will allow us to live our amazing life unified to Christ - fulfilling our purpose here on planet Earth.

It was after this session that I got up to stare out the window at the mountains and just asked the Lord... 'Why have you left me so alone?' I think I even began to hug myself a bit in comfort as I just screamed this out from my soul. S came over and hugged me as I cried and told him what I was thinking. He reminded me that Jesus often felt very alone and set apart ... He reminded me of the verse in Luke (9:58) "Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place even to lay his head." Jesus was homeless... and I don't think He was referring to just a place to physically lay down ... He was missing His true home His real place of rest - the community of the Trinity. Anyhow, S also said that I should think of his hug as a hug from the Lord ... and then He did something truly crazy ... He took off his own 'beloved' ring - one that had been made especially for himself and gave it to me. I slid it on my finger in a haze of tears ... but truly at that moment I did not really understand.

Later that day I had some spiritual direction with one of the women available. I had never even spoken with her before so I kinda just dove in with my story of God's silence over the last 2.5 years. As I began to share she noticed me twirling the ring on my hand and fiddling with it. She asked what it was and I said 'S gave me his beloved ring.' She was shocked! I mean really taken aback. I could tell she was blown away by this act of love and care for me. SO now it finally began to dawn on me - that this was huge. I couldn't see it until it had registered on someone else's face. I guess parts of me are still quite buried.

Later on as we continued in my hour of spiritual direction I shared a story from around this time last year. It was during a communion time and my husband was up giving the charge to dig in and address sin. I sat there (by the way this was at the very beginning of my numb season) and went through my list. I was ready to get my confession off my chest. I went up and got the bread and wine and sat back down to do my work. But as I did ... the Lord stopped me and spoke ... this is one of a very few moments where He has felt present in 2.5 years ... and it was brief but amazing to feel Him again. He stopped me and said 'I do not want you to confess... I want you to know that YOU are my favored one.' I was stunned to hear such a declaration ... but as with all things Jesus in my life during this time - they just don't stick to me very well - its vaporous. So I shared that story with my spiritual director and again ... she was shocked!! She was taken aback. She was astounded that I had ACTUALLY heard the Lord say this to me ... audibly. And it wasn't until I saw her reaction again that I began to see this pattern of really important stuff just unable to penetrate this 'whatever' God has me in. She told me go sit 'there' and let it soak in. I'm pretty sure it hasn't yet ... but at least the importance of these 2 events have been brought to the forefront.

The final event was in the last moments of our last night together ... we all took communion together. I sat there asking God to bring to mind anything I might need to confess and nothing came to mind. Then The Lord dropped an image into my mind ... it was my heart encased in something -- almost like a chrysalis -- and now that casing had a couple of cracks in it. Finally, FINALLY!! Whatever this is - is breaking up. Metamorphosis is almost done ... the big moment when I finally get to emerge and unfurl my wings is coming. Praise God ... all of the things then that need to be stuck to my heart will finally get stuck, because, sometime soon I will emerge changed.

MORE

I'm here at the Potters Inn in Colorado again ... I am going thru their Soul Care Institute ... And today
is the first real day of learning what it will be all about. Truly I am hoping God does something - anything amazing. It doesn't have to be anything specific - just something instead of nothing. Movement, God, would be awesome.

Yesterday I got to have an amazing drive through the mountains. There was no one on the road - just a crazy winding road around cliffs and mountains and awesome streams. Even just in that ... I felt more of the Lord's presence than I have felt in months. But I want MORE. More Jesus - More Jesus - More Jesus.

CRAZY

I am thinking a lot ABOUT shame. These last few days it has come up in a lot of conversations ... but never with the word shame attached to it. I wondered why we couldn't quite put it into that word. I realized shame is a word we don't use often anymore. With one exception - it appears in praise songs - but only coupled with the word guilt - and then only used because it is quickly swept away by Jesus' sacrifice.

Last fall I was lost in it. Shame was the stench I breathed. I couldn't escape from its choking clutches.  Many times I didn't even know why I was crying, or weeping ... but one thing was true... I did not want to be SEEN by anyone.

So this time I am not living it -- I'm just thinking about it. And I am realizing that it's a really big deal. Like really big.

I talked with a friend this week who shared some deep hard stuff. She is a woman with a lot going on - I mean uber busy. As she shared about her emotional discoveries, I could relate because I had felt - and still feel - like the shame in my life is unhealed. She is fully aware of her shame and would be happy to share with anyone the Lord directed, about how God brought her out of an ugly and wasted past to a new life filled with so many good things. But she still struggles with deep personal doubts and self esteem issues. WHY if Jesus has swept away so much - does this still remain? I mean this woman loves Jesus - she wants to serve Him and does ... so why is this basic identity question lurking behind every shadow in her life?

And why only now in reflection can I put the word SHAME on this story - We didn't use that word earlier this week. But that's the problem. Shame is what makes us feel worthless.

A young woman I mentor and I spoke on the phone and she shared a time in prayer this week with her peers where she lost it and couldn't speak ... she drove home crying over it. She couldn't understand it - because earlier in the day in any prayer setting she was totally fine - so why was this different? She couldn't identify the problem - there was no word, until I told her it was SHAME she came up against.

Why is it so hard to identify? Why can't we put the word on it? What is that about? Are we hiding from it?
That would certainly make sense... since fig leaves are the first solution.

And what does God want me to do with it all? I KNOW I can't fix it. Heck, God hasn't even healed me from it yet. I even get nervous bringing it up because I am just more than a little afraid it will overtake me again. Which right now explains the excessive TV watching and sugar fest I've been on this week - pure avoidance.

Why is this so hard??? I mean I know why ... but it doesn't cease to surprise me. It's hard because it's at the core of EVERYTHING. It's at the core of how we live our our lives. Shame influences all of our decisions because we have created coping mechanisms to deal with the shame - pushing it far far far away from our surface because to feel it is so unbearable.

But what if we didn't HAVE to feel it anymore??? What if there was actual God-given healing for it? What if we actually LET Jesus in so He could? What if we owned it - put a name on it - and let Jesus deal with it?? The scary thing is then - we would have to let ourselves FEEL it again - we wouldn't be able to hide out from it anymore. THIS is TOTALLY CRAZY. It's crazy to think that we actually should.

I guess in for crazy.

man fully alive

I have read and am now reading again - The Gift of Being Yourself - by David Benner. This is the book that S and G gave me to read in Colorado that I initially blew off declaring that I already know myself. Since that night with all the tossing and turning thoughts - I have read it more faithfully and now I think I would declare it as one of the few life changing reads of my life.

Its hard to put into words what I am thinking about it now … because there is so much that's new. So I am going to move along a few chapters at a time and put my thoughts into words.

Firstly, the premise of this book has really surprised me. Basically it is this - to really come to know and be intimate with God - we HAVE to know ourselves intimately. I would have said 'yes' to this previous to reading the book but I probably would have had a slightly different reason as to why. All of my study before this would have pointed me to disregarding and confessing self as sin each time it rose its ugly head to the surface. Because 'self' in that definition would have always referred to sin nature … self=sin nature... in pretty much all that I have read. So therefore my thoughts and logic pushed me to believe that all of my 'self' is bad and I must get rid of it. When self is just defined as sin nature - I would definitely agree - because our sin nature was killed on the cross and is dead. So anything that I would have dug up or was revealed to me by the Spirit would have been declared as sin - confessed - and purged. So intimacy with myself was really only an encounter with the bad… never anything good. Thus when it was all said and done I was being emptied of anything that was 'me'. I really struggled letting go of some things because of that, what would be left then?  Empty never sounds that good to me. I had a hard time picturing myself as a vessel to be filled because of this, but instead pictured myself more like a door - either open or closed to what God wanted to flow THROUGH me - rather than how God might want to FILL me -- so that I might want to give to others.

BUT here in this book - Benner separates the false self and the true self. The FALSE self is our sin nature and all the masks that we create in self promotion and protection - and YES they should be confessed and purged - because they are remnants of who we once were. The TRUE self -- is that which is basic to our created being - that imago dei that we all possess. It is our personality, gifts, talents, our individual thoughts and feelings - the thing that makes us who we are (though they are marred by sin). BUT in addition to that - it is WHO we are becoming in Christ - that enlivens and remakes those original pieces - revealing our new creation self.

I would NEVER have thought I had this mixed up in my head. In fact, I probably would have even articulated all of it correctly in conversation. BUT yet I still wasn't viewing it correctly - my mental pictures did not line up with my words. My mind couldn't comprehend the truth because it is so clouded with self-hatred. The constant need to purge and get rid of sin whether Spirit led or me-led, kept me from seeing this distinction.

We have to BECOME more of who we really are - to truly be intimate with Jesus. Back in college I read an Elizabeth Elliot book - I'm not sure which one - but one of the things that stuck out to me and still does is this: a jellyfish glorifies God by just being a jellyfish. It glorifies God by being exactly what it was created to be. So how do I then translate that into how I GLORIFY God? I have to be ME and ONLY ME to glorify God. I bring Him more glory by being entirely ME. And the ME that I am - is the ME that He wants to know - and does know in the eternal sense. He created ME as I am because He likes ME this way. He wants to intimately know ME - the one He created. And the only way I can become entirely ME is by following Jesus, because without my new creature status and the power of the Holy Spirit -- I cannot become fully ME - the ME I am always meant to be.

St. Irenaeus said this: the glory of God is man fully alive. Finally this quote by Irenaeus REALLY makes sense to me. God is glorified when I am all that He created me to be.

BUT there is more …

'Finding our unique self is, noted by Thomas Merton, the problem on which all our existence, peace and happiness depend. Nothing is more important, for if we find our true self we find God, and if we find God, we find our most authentic self.'   HUGE. This is HUGE.

At first I balked at this statement, truly I recoiled. This deep spiritual monk declares that all of life hangs on this? Yet it sounds so contrary to scripture. But it isn't. Apparently, John Calvin and St. Augustine agree because they have similar quotes that are scrawled into Benner's book.

I realized as I kept reading just exactly what Benner, Merton, Augustine and Calvin meant. When we discover the unique or true self that is hidden under sin and our false selves, this is what allows us to actually experience God as we were always meant to in the garden. And so when we uncover/discover/grow into our imago dei we can truly relate to God as we are meant to. To do this we must be fully surrendered to God in this process - allowing Him to reveal more of who we truly are. Then we can SEE God. HEAR God. TASTE Him. FEEL Him. Our senses become enlivened to Him as we become more fully awakened. As we grow in intimacy together - we have a deeper relationship, a stronger relationship that when tested - lasts - because we have gone beyond just having knowledge - to experiencing Him too. AND THIS fulfills our created purpose. We were made for intimacy with God - to love Him with our whole heart, soul, mind, and strength - and the overflow of this love relationship is what truly allows us to love others. THIS is what glorifies God. THIS is why we must unveil our true selves.

dis-ease

I am stuck in a trap of self-loathing. This week has been a particular struggle. I am not sure why … except that now I am trying to discover my beauty/true self/glory/ new creation-ness … so why wouldn't the enemy try and hurl a bunch of old crap at me.

I think this goes beyond just knowing my identity in Christ … though I think that is a part of it for sure … I need to know those pieces of identity truth … but they need to be understood and revealed to the core of my true self to enliven what God has made in me that reveals His image. Or at least I think that's how it's supposed to work!

Anyway … the self loathing… I am discovering is real and evil and a pervasive disease. It feels like I am trapped in barbed wire, mean thoughts poking and scratching me minute by minute. But the evil doesn't stay in me -- it continually seeps out all over my family esp. my kids. It just wells up in me … the thoughts get me angry - livid even, and any irritation, annoyance, frustration, or unpleasant change, anything that doesn't go my way -- and an eruption of the disease comes out to spread far and wide. And then the self-loathing cycle repeats because now I realize I have done the very thing I hate doing.

How can so much ugliness reside inside of one person? Many days this week it was all I could see. My mind was flooded with it. I was waiting in the car for the kids on Friday as I wrote this out on scraps of paper - that Jesus would come and release me and focus my eyes on Him. Its exhausting to hate yourself this much -- everything is defeated before you begin. It feels like a trap. And I can't find the way out.

Where does it even come from? It dawned on me the other day that this is an awful lot like the screaming queen in my heart. She's the one who sits on the throne and guards the black hole of shame that was hidden for so long. This is exactly how she behaves. She screams to get her way. She screams when you don't give her what she wants. She screams until you shut her up… but really she is keeping you away from that horrible pit … because that level of shit in there is even worse than dealing with her. That pit is so scary in fact I apparently put the screaming queen there to keep MYSELF away. So I have always kept her fed with whatever would quiet her - aka my idols - food, TV, novels -- anything escapist works really well. Sin is so deep. And idolatry is really all the ways we run away from dealing with it.  Without even knowing it I did some of that this week … I went shopping, I covered over my quiet moments with TV, I tried to stay away from my kids who cause the most irritation.

This is not the way I want to live.

Last year I had to walk in that dark pit. I wept for so many months swimming in the shame. BUT at the end of that time - even though the crying was done - I never felt healed. It just all seemed to fade into the background as I moved into the numb phase of this Dark Night. Now here I am again staring this crap all in the face again … yuck … and I am not sure what to do - what to know - what to pray except HELP.  I just know that I want to be healed. I want to change. I don't want to hate myself anymore - it destroys too much … and who knew it could? I really didn't know it could hurt anyone else … that's really not what I want. So again I pray … HELP.

experience and revelation

Something I wrote while in Colorado … I was wondering if the path I am on … the thing I am pursuing is even WHAT I should be pursuing ...
I am not sure where to start.
There is so much.

Firstly, I would say... that over the last 2 1/2 years in this time of silence. God has been directing me - HERDING me. I knew this ... I have experienced some of the course corrections and leadings, I have clung to the visions, I have clung to truth. I have persevered and waited and been patient, other times it has been railing at God, angry, and wildly impatient. All along the way lamenting ... absorbed in the holy complaint. Asking God 'why?', and trying to work it all out in my mind. At different moments on this journey I felt His shepherd hook - directing me - pushing me one way or another with a direction to take or a nudge to get back on track. Even though there has been leading ... in the dailyness of it all it has not felt intimate at all. It has felt awful. Hard. Exhausting. Horrible. Numb. Quiet. The shepherd's hook - does not feel intimate. I am grateful for it ... but it is simply not the same.

What is Intimacy? The dictionary defines it this way: closeness, togetherness, affinity, rapport, attachment, familiarity, friendliness, friendship, amity, affection, warmth, confidence; and also: intimate relations between husband and wife - intercourse.

To me - it is face to face contact. Breath to breathe. Heart hearing heart. Connection. Song of Songs speaks about intimacy. It has different stages certainly, it moves and shifts, and Jesus asks us to change and grow - to mature. But it's that life on life - open - loving - togetherness. This to me is what we all should want with Jesus. Abiding, oneness, union with Christ.

I feel like I'm being told I'm not supposed to want this. Over and over again. By many people. Or at least that what I am asking for is the wrong thing ... or I'm just off the mark or something. Am I? Because this is quite upsetting if its true.

and then later on in the week …

The journey from head to heart

We talk about this journey - as the longest - because we can know something is true - long before we can experience it as truth. Its like the mountains that are 75 miles off here at the top of the hill. I can see them - I can tell they are solid truth. But until I am up in them -- I will never know them. You can't know something without experiencing it. The journey from the head to the heart is long because to get there we have to wait on God for revelation - we have to be touched by Him to make it come alive in us. Isn't that true in all things? Worship follows this pattern - I can sing a song like I have been for the past 2 years - I can acknowledge the truth - I can even raise my hands acknowledging that truth but until God comes in with his presence and speaks those words of truth into my soul - it is only then that I awaken to the truth and worship in total abandon.

A seed can sit for years in a dry package but for it to come alive it needs water and sunlight, soil and nutrients. Thats what is missing from these 2 and 1/2 years. I have had no water. I cannot come alive without it. Is it wrong to seek it? I don't want to come alive for the sake of my life - tho I want that too - I want to come alive unto God -- to bring him pleasure and joy. I want to worship him wholly, to see Him freely, to love him.

I am not expecting this to come in a certain way ... the way doesn't matter to me - what I have known in the past is just a frame of reference - the calling of the garden. I have no prescription for what it looks like - I just want the face to face touch of intimacy to ignite my soul - to enliven it - so that I might worship as I am meant to. I get that this dry time of wilderness is purposeful. I want to honor my time here and embrace it. I know I have not fully done that. But even still life and water and the experience of God are what I am heading for. Isn't that why Jesus came - to have life to its fullest - to take his bride as His inheritance - free from slavery - to walk with Him in the garden.

new bucket

… So that night I tossed and turned rolling everything over in my mind. What could he possibly mean telling me that I don't know myself?

Sometimes when I am trying to work out a problem in my head I go back to the beginning … I go back and think on Genesis. Why did God create? What is this all for? How does everything fit in? … these are all the questions that get me thinking. God didn't create because He was bored - He created because that is who He is - He is a creator. What was His purpose in creating humans? … He said - Let us create in our own image - male and female he created them. He wanted someone to be like Him … to share His creation with. He wanted intimacy … He was there walking in the garden with Adam and Eve. That is also why he needed humans to have a choice … why else have a forbidden tree in the garden? He wanted us to CHOOSE him. Because obligatory worship is crap compared with loving adoration. He wants to share Himself -- so He wants us to willingly share ourselves with Him. That makes sense.

Then I thought back to the first day that we sat and talked with S and G. One of the questions that S asked was if my spiritual life were a bucket … where are its leaks? I sat and thought about that a minute and then said - I don't have a bucket anymore … my bucket was taken away. After the women's retreat in September … I felt like the season of lament that I had been in for the previous 2 years was over. A page had turned - but it was blank and I had no idea what it was supposed to be filled with. I prayed and asked God if I was meant to go out and DO something. I was getting antsy - ready for something else to do, experience, be, become, learn … I didn't care which - just something instead of nothing. But He hadn't spoken yet…

Also that night before bed my husband and I had sex. This is always a good indicator of how connected I am with him, myself, and with the Lord. An act of intimacy should be. It reveals something deep within of our hearts… something words have a hard time touching. Sex has been difficult for the last 2 and 1/2 years. My husband is fine - its always me. I can't seem to get my body to feel in the normal fashion. It's been frustrating … and this particular night was no different. And I realized as I was pondering everything later that night that the reason I can't feel my body - is because I am disengaged on the inside. I may be able to laugh again and smile - instead of the insane numbness I felt throughout the summer … but I was still not ALL there. Something was still missing. I realized that I am unable to feel intimate while we are having sex… that my biggest hope for the whole experience will be for my body to just go along with it - so that my husband is satisfied in some way. Of course this is never really satisfying for either of us. BUT admitting this to myself was huge, it was something I instinctively had known but had never put into words.

I began to put all of these pieces together … along with the quote from earlier that day: Only 2 things pierce the soul: pain and beauty. Lack of intimacy. No bucket. And throw in a dash of - 'you don't know yourself'… and the swirling thoughts continued.

If intimacy is the entire purpose of everything … the very reason God creates … then this silence is all about creating more of it. God is not capricious. He loves me, this silence has purpose - it has a plan. If His end goal - is also the exact thing that I want more than anything - then 'intimacy' must be the very place He is taking me (of course to me this seems like the craziest path to get there …). Lament was over - my bucket taken away. The page was turned ready to be written on - just WAITING. I realized that the old bucket was full of my personal shit. All my pain. It was filled with shame and sin. It was full of everything that I had purged over the last 2 years. I had mourned and cried and lamented - moving, and homeschooling, friendships, homes, place, status - pretty much everything had been stripped away. BUT mostly the silence… the frustrating infuriating silence. I banged my fist on God's door every day begging for the one thing I know I should want more than anything else - intimacy. Yet He withheld it from me. Why?

I needed a new bucket.

I simply could not go to the new places I wanted to go with my old shit-filled bucket in tow.

It has taken the last 2 and 1/2 years and a lot of silence to finish filling the old bucket. Silence was the final ingredient to get the last clinging pile of crap to shed off into the bucket. There were places within that I was never going to go without that silence as a motivator … no - not even the silence - but the hope of something more than silence. I would do anything that God called me to because I have experienced my Summer of Jesus. That outpouring of love during that summer 6 years ago continually calls me to intimacy.

So God took that old bucket away (hence the reason I have felt less burdened these last few months since September).

But then as I was laying in bed pondering all of these things - EVERYTHING - began to click into place. I KNOW my pain. I don't know my BEAUTY. I have bits … but as a whole it has been unexplored. This is why I can't be intimate during sex … this is why my body won't feel. THIS is the bucket that God wants me to fill! If I want to get to the place where I am intimate with the Lord - to know His mind, His love, our union … then I have to fill THIS bucket. How can I know God well if I am only seeing Him from one perspective? How can I love Him well when I am loving out of the shit bucket? I can't - because it is only HALF of what I need.

Beauty has to pierce me just as much as my pain does. My mind has seen only one half of this equation, now I need the other half. So now I have a new bucket… and it's waiting to be filled. This one sounds way better.