when HE chooses

I'm in Colorado with my husband getting some soul care for the week. For once, we will be the counseled instead of the counselors. I really have no idea what to expect from the experience. All this past week I have been freaking out a bit. And it took me a while to figure out that I was anxious about  coming here. That seemed silly to me -- because I have always wanted to be mentored in some way. I had a bit in Grad School for my counseling degree but since then my only counselors have been books. I have prayed many times for a mentor, but books have been all that God has brought to me thus far ... until now. So why the heck was I so anxious? It really had very little to do with being looked at I discovered...

This past weekend my In-Laws came in to watch the kids for us and celebrate Christmas. I will admit that I am and was a bit hesitant about having them watch the kids. They are old and frail and my husband's father always seems sick as he comes to visit. This time he seemed fine ... until one day into their trip he fell and hurt himself. Now suddenly he is actually making moaning sounds that sound like he is at death's door. I need to mention too that he is the only one that drives once we leave. But all it seems he wants to lay in bed all day and just be ill - instead of actually get up and take care of what needs to be done. As we are driving to church - from which my husband and I will then get on a plane and leave my kids in their care for the next week -- he continues to moan like he is dying. I start freaking out -- my kids will be trapped all week! My mother-in-law won't be able to get groceries! What if they need a doctor or something worse happens! etc. etc. These were definite concerns to me - but I was panicking and crying over it all. Then I realized that what I was more worried about is that I may be heading to Colorado with all this quiet, and all this time and attention ... and I STILL may not hear from the Lord. That's what I was really dreading.

It is perfectly within God's rights to continue in silence with me. After all He is God and I am not. I know that He never ceases to be intimate with me ... but for this season He has chosen that I do not get to feel intimate with Him. At home ... though I don't enjoy the waiting ... it is tolerable to wait. I have things to do, ways to distract. Homeschooling, and caring for the house take up lots of time when I want them to. BUT this - coming to Colorado, this is something else entirely. Here I am SUPPOSED to hear from God in some way. That is what this time is built for. What if He decides to keep me waiting?

After the crying and freaking out were done I felt a bit better. I asked friends to pray via text. A friend at church prayed with me - and that was amazing. I set people up to check in with my In-laws and the kids -- so that just in case -- there are back-up plans. So as I sat there in the airport and got on the plane for 4 hours, and then drove for 3 more to get here in the mountains... I just accepted what is already true. No grand revelation was imparted - no words were spoken - no scripture opened up to me ... I just chose to believe that EVEN if He chooses not to speak - I will be OK. I will not explode - I will keep on as I have. I will choose to believe what IS true. God loves me. This time of silence has purpose. That this time on retreat has purpose. That God is a good loving Father who IS taking care of me. AND that someday - when HE chooses He WILL speak again. Maybe this week - maybe not. But I need to be open to either. And realize that both speak His love over me.

But I gotta be honest ... I WANT him to speak so badly. I want intimacy back. I am tired... and waiting is hard.
Lord, YOUR will be done.