pain and ...

Up in the mountains we told our stories and S and G listened to us. They reflected what they heard, they asked questions, they pointed out blind spots. It was hard to receive some of it, and other things were just simply true.

At the end of the first day they gave me a book to read, it's called 'The Gift of Being Yourself' by David Brenner. This would fall into the category of things I did NOT receive well. I read the title of the book and thought to myself, 'I already know myself -- I am sick to death of looking at myself -- why oh why did they give me another book on THIS?!' So that night I glanced at the book and skipped around and found something near the end to interest myself … I read and took a couple of notes, end of story. I knew that this was not what they wanted, but what can I say I'm rebellious in spirit.

The next day, we came in and reported what we had thought on as we read. They responded as I expected they would to me jumping to the end of the book - a bit flabbergasted. I told them - I am just sick of looking at myself - that's all I have done for the last few years and I am exhausted by it. And that I honestly feel like I know all I possibly can stand for now. Then I told my story. And like I said there was lots to poke and prod at. 'Survivor' was the word that stuck out for me. They especially noted that I had done quite a lot to raise myself, and that there was a lot of emotional pain... yup, that's a general sum up.

Somewhere in my story we got talking about my family and how they approach life, confrontation and conflict etc… anyway, we got talking about how my family never really expressed love in soft, gentle ways. We teased, were sarcastic, and and if we argued it was a big explosion that led us each to our own separate corners to lick our wounds, and when we were done it was never spoken of again. If we went to a beautiful spot on vacation we would stand and stare - but comments were never made - no beauty was ever spoken. Compliments were not given - but could only be earned out in the world from others for our various accomplishments. There were no - I love you's - it was only ever implied through gifts or other provisions. My mom was nurturing at times when I was young, but as soon as my parents separated much of that dissipated as she struggled with her own pain. My Dad was simply not nurturing, cuddly, or affirming at all. That is probably a bit harsh … I can remember a couple of moments, but they are indeed few.

All of this to get here … somewhere in all of this S began talking about pain shaping us. And he started relaying a quote and before he could finish it - I did - instinctively. Here is the quote --
'Only two things pierce the soul. One is pain; the other beauty.' Simone Weil a french theologian said this … perhaps I had heard it before - I don't know … but I just KNEW the answer. BEAUTY.

After I was done telling my story, S also said to me … That I really didn't know myself at all.

What??? WHAT???

THAT bothered me. Really bothered me.

I feel like I have spent my whole life literally focused inward. Asking God to root out shit. Learning about my identity in Christ, learning to rest in faith… in fact one of the things I definitely have gotten out of these 2 years of silence is just how desperately I want the eyes of my heart to turn away from myself and to focus squarely on the Lord. I feel like after the women's retreat in September - when my lament was over that God would finally take me on a journey away from myself and bring me closer to Himself. Why now was S saying that I don't know myself at all?? Frustration doesn't begin to cover how I felt.

I went back to our cabin that night trying to let things settle over me - trying to wrap my brain around the whole thing. I was up most of the night as thoughts rolled and rushed around. What does this mean? What am I supposed to do about it? What am I not getting? What is missing??

more to come...