pain and ...

Up in the mountains we told our stories and S and G listened to us. They reflected what they heard, they asked questions, they pointed out blind spots. It was hard to receive some of it, and other things were just simply true.

At the end of the first day they gave me a book to read, it's called 'The Gift of Being Yourself' by David Brenner. This would fall into the category of things I did NOT receive well. I read the title of the book and thought to myself, 'I already know myself -- I am sick to death of looking at myself -- why oh why did they give me another book on THIS?!' So that night I glanced at the book and skipped around and found something near the end to interest myself … I read and took a couple of notes, end of story. I knew that this was not what they wanted, but what can I say I'm rebellious in spirit.

The next day, we came in and reported what we had thought on as we read. They responded as I expected they would to me jumping to the end of the book - a bit flabbergasted. I told them - I am just sick of looking at myself - that's all I have done for the last few years and I am exhausted by it. And that I honestly feel like I know all I possibly can stand for now. Then I told my story. And like I said there was lots to poke and prod at. 'Survivor' was the word that stuck out for me. They especially noted that I had done quite a lot to raise myself, and that there was a lot of emotional pain... yup, that's a general sum up.

Somewhere in my story we got talking about my family and how they approach life, confrontation and conflict etc… anyway, we got talking about how my family never really expressed love in soft, gentle ways. We teased, were sarcastic, and and if we argued it was a big explosion that led us each to our own separate corners to lick our wounds, and when we were done it was never spoken of again. If we went to a beautiful spot on vacation we would stand and stare - but comments were never made - no beauty was ever spoken. Compliments were not given - but could only be earned out in the world from others for our various accomplishments. There were no - I love you's - it was only ever implied through gifts or other provisions. My mom was nurturing at times when I was young, but as soon as my parents separated much of that dissipated as she struggled with her own pain. My Dad was simply not nurturing, cuddly, or affirming at all. That is probably a bit harsh … I can remember a couple of moments, but they are indeed few.

All of this to get here … somewhere in all of this S began talking about pain shaping us. And he started relaying a quote and before he could finish it - I did - instinctively. Here is the quote --
'Only two things pierce the soul. One is pain; the other beauty.' Simone Weil a french theologian said this … perhaps I had heard it before - I don't know … but I just KNEW the answer. BEAUTY.

After I was done telling my story, S also said to me … That I really didn't know myself at all.

What??? WHAT???

THAT bothered me. Really bothered me.

I feel like I have spent my whole life literally focused inward. Asking God to root out shit. Learning about my identity in Christ, learning to rest in faith… in fact one of the things I definitely have gotten out of these 2 years of silence is just how desperately I want the eyes of my heart to turn away from myself and to focus squarely on the Lord. I feel like after the women's retreat in September - when my lament was over that God would finally take me on a journey away from myself and bring me closer to Himself. Why now was S saying that I don't know myself at all?? Frustration doesn't begin to cover how I felt.

I went back to our cabin that night trying to let things settle over me - trying to wrap my brain around the whole thing. I was up most of the night as thoughts rolled and rushed around. What does this mean? What am I supposed to do about it? What am I not getting? What is missing??

more to come...

Up In the Mountains

People keep asking me if Colorado and our retreat were restful? relaxing? I grit my teeth and say, 'those are not quite the words I would use. How about hard and good, really hard - really good, and challenging - really challenging.' Those are the words I would choose.

Certainly when you are in the middle of nowhere up in the mountains it's quiet and serene. The scenery was beautiful. There were deer literally frolicking outside of our cabin. While a giant black squirrel with tufted ears was foraging for something to eat, birds I've never seen before were flocking to the feeder. There was snow on the ground, and yet it was surprisingly warm at 9000 ft about sea level - a balmy 50 degrees most of the time that we were there. So yes, it WAS restful, even though many nights I barely slept. Apparently this was a result of altitude sickness, with a 2 hour time change, and lots of thoughts waiting to jump out of my head as soon as I cracked my eyes open.

These thoughts were as a result of spending 3 hours a day for 5 days that week talking and receiving from our Soul Care providers. I'll call them S and G for the sake of ease here. They are the couple that started this ministry of soul care a bunch of years ago. They are about 20 years our senior … so it was nice having older, spiritually mature eyes looking in our lives. That's also what makes it challenging though … THEY ACTUALLY SEE STUFF. Like I said, - hard, good, challenging, - this would be no stroll down memory lane.

We told our stories. My husband is fairly easy… great family, only a few moments of regret, and a strong calling from God. In fact his story is so straight forward that most people want to dig up crap where there is none to dig up. S and G asked all the questions to probe in that area but truly there is no crap - especially no true daddy issues. My husband and I often say that he came into our marriage with a shaving bag's worth of baggage, and that I came in with trunks, and suitcases, and hat boxes - piles and piles of luggage. So when I told my story - S and G had lots of crap to poke and prod at. It was exhausting to tell our stories, yet that was the easiest part. S and G said to my husband that he has lived a charmed or blessed life. There has been no pain, no agony, no hell. Which is true, he has really lived a protected life - protected in that no real horror has entered in - and as a result, he is a very steady, even-tempered guy who can get things done. I on the other hand am a mess of emotion and trials and crap. Words like surviver, roller coaster, and pain, were handed to me after listening to my story. I have a whole host of daddy issues, mommy issues and every other kind of issues. And that was all just the beginning. They also gave us books to read or questions to think about… so each evening was spent cozy in our cabin with beef strew, some homework to think on, and eventually we would stumble into a movie at night out of pure mental exhaustion.

I can't forget however, about the prayer trail. All over their property are benches guided by a book, to sit and ponder different aspects of our spiritual life. Some spots point you toward the pond, while others have you climbing a hill toward vast mountain views. Each one though has you thinking through what you see, hear, and feel as you walk, sit, and pray, and then ask questions of you based what you are experiencing. So we each spent some time out on the trail -- picking the spots that spoke to us and spending some time listening and praying.

The week moved painfully slow at times and others made you feel like grabbing at the minutes to get them back -- so you could remember things - hold onto them better. It was exhausting and restful, painful and beautiful. Hard and good all at the same time. I have so much more to say … so more posts to come.

when HE chooses

I'm in Colorado with my husband getting some soul care for the week. For once, we will be the counseled instead of the counselors. I really have no idea what to expect from the experience. All this past week I have been freaking out a bit. And it took me a while to figure out that I was anxious about  coming here. That seemed silly to me -- because I have always wanted to be mentored in some way. I had a bit in Grad School for my counseling degree but since then my only counselors have been books. I have prayed many times for a mentor, but books have been all that God has brought to me thus far ... until now. So why the heck was I so anxious? It really had very little to do with being looked at I discovered...

This past weekend my In-Laws came in to watch the kids for us and celebrate Christmas. I will admit that I am and was a bit hesitant about having them watch the kids. They are old and frail and my husband's father always seems sick as he comes to visit. This time he seemed fine ... until one day into their trip he fell and hurt himself. Now suddenly he is actually making moaning sounds that sound like he is at death's door. I need to mention too that he is the only one that drives once we leave. But all it seems he wants to lay in bed all day and just be ill - instead of actually get up and take care of what needs to be done. As we are driving to church - from which my husband and I will then get on a plane and leave my kids in their care for the next week -- he continues to moan like he is dying. I start freaking out -- my kids will be trapped all week! My mother-in-law won't be able to get groceries! What if they need a doctor or something worse happens! etc. etc. These were definite concerns to me - but I was panicking and crying over it all. Then I realized that what I was more worried about is that I may be heading to Colorado with all this quiet, and all this time and attention ... and I STILL may not hear from the Lord. That's what I was really dreading.

It is perfectly within God's rights to continue in silence with me. After all He is God and I am not. I know that He never ceases to be intimate with me ... but for this season He has chosen that I do not get to feel intimate with Him. At home ... though I don't enjoy the waiting ... it is tolerable to wait. I have things to do, ways to distract. Homeschooling, and caring for the house take up lots of time when I want them to. BUT this - coming to Colorado, this is something else entirely. Here I am SUPPOSED to hear from God in some way. That is what this time is built for. What if He decides to keep me waiting?

After the crying and freaking out were done I felt a bit better. I asked friends to pray via text. A friend at church prayed with me - and that was amazing. I set people up to check in with my In-laws and the kids -- so that just in case -- there are back-up plans. So as I sat there in the airport and got on the plane for 4 hours, and then drove for 3 more to get here in the mountains... I just accepted what is already true. No grand revelation was imparted - no words were spoken - no scripture opened up to me ... I just chose to believe that EVEN if He chooses not to speak - I will be OK. I will not explode - I will keep on as I have. I will choose to believe what IS true. God loves me. This time of silence has purpose. That this time on retreat has purpose. That God is a good loving Father who IS taking care of me. AND that someday - when HE chooses He WILL speak again. Maybe this week - maybe not. But I need to be open to either. And realize that both speak His love over me.

But I gotta be honest ... I WANT him to speak so badly. I want intimacy back. I am tired... and waiting is hard.
Lord, YOUR will be done.