what to do?

Lament is over … but nothing else has moved in.

It continues to be hard to wait patiently. The dark cloud is gone, the weight removed … but I am still left standing out here wondering what the heck I am supposed to be doing. Yes - I want to display the fruit of the Spirit -- Yes that is good - and it IS what I want. BUT I also want to DO something!! I feel like I have been sitting on the sidelines and now I am itching to get back in the game.

BUT WHAT? I have had no real leading. No voice from the Lord. No leading from the Spirit. No word in Scripture … just the same prophecies that I have been clinging to for dear life since the silence began, add in a few ideas that I think are probably just mine… and a few things that seem to just be other peoples ideas…like:

An older Gent at church, gave me his business card and said I should go and counsel people. The guy who painted the outside of our house saw a stencil I did and asked if I wanted jobs. My mom wanted me to help with her overwhelming recruiting business. My husband wants me to write Bible Studies.

BUT what do I want? I have no idea … except that I want to do what Jesus wants me to do. And He hasn't said yet. Am I to keep waiting???? What if He doesn't speak again????

I keep hanging on to those prophecies … especially the one of the phonograph and the phonogram sitting by the oceans edge … the phonograph has been played and is done … the phonogram is waiting to be WRITTEN ON. The ocean is the Lords voice …. and I am waiting for His voice. But there are other prophecies … the Terraforming passage from Isaiah 41 … which spoke that God will be the One to fill the desert with water, and life… It is His work. Then the prophecies from another friend about sitting at the Feast of the Lamb in heaven -- one where I have no mouth and I am confused and another where I am glowing, dressed as a bride, with a bowl of water and sword at each side.

Each of these things speak to me - at the vey least - that God does indeed have every intention of speaking to me again. But I guess I can't help but wonder when - and WHAT -- it will be. It's beginning to drive me a bit crazy.

I know what I am already good at … counseling/mentoring … and I love that - so will that continue to be what The Lord has me to focus on? Or will it be something new… I have always felt like I am meant to be an equipper or the saints. A behind the scenes gal -- not a front liner. But will God call me to something new? Will I ever get to fulfill my dream and go for some training as a Spiritual Director? Will God have me speak -- maybe to a wider audience? Will I write? Or will I stay close to home as I have been and minister to the few people that He brings through my door. Will Homeschooling be something that continues to be my daily duty?

I read a secular article today. It was by Mark Manson, called '7 Questions That help You Find Your Life Purpose'. It was a bunch of questions to ask yourself to discover what you are passionate about. The idea is -- that you then go out and spend your time actually pursuing that passion. The article was saucy … and he swears a lot which I can appreciate to a point, but his questions were insightful. The first was : What's your favorite flavor of shit sandwich and does it come with an olive? This one breaks through the ridiculous idea that we can be happy and content 100% of the time… That is simply untrue -- so he was saying -- what are you willing to sacrifice for? If you find out, then that just might be a passion of yours. Another question was: What is true about you today that would make your 8 year old self cry? His point on this one is that as a child we are naturally draw to things certain things and there is no shame in just doing them, and enjoying them - whether they got us something or not. So what did you do as a kid that you are not doing now? Or what would you have tried as a kid - that you won't try now -- just because it seems fun?? And are you willing to try it now - regardless of what you think other people might think??

His point all throughout the article is … are you willing to risk? sacrifice? try? Are you willing to put yourself out there? Are you going to kill the voice of self-doubt that keeps you glued to the couch and comfort - or are you going to get up and take a chance on doing something amazing?

All of this just stirred up my thoughts. Am I supposed to go out and just do something - or am I supposed to wait? Does God want me to wait for this long sought after revelation … or will revelation come as I move out and find something to do?? Or do I have enough to do already … and what I really need to learn is plain old contentment??