Lament is over … but nothing else has moved in.
It continues to be hard to wait patiently. The dark cloud is gone, the weight removed … but I am still left standing out here wondering what the heck I am supposed to be doing. Yes - I want to display the fruit of the Spirit -- Yes that is good - and it IS what I want. BUT I also want to DO something!! I feel like I have been sitting on the sidelines and now I am itching to get back in the game.
BUT WHAT? I have had no real leading. No voice from the Lord. No leading from the Spirit. No word in Scripture … just the same prophecies that I have been clinging to for dear life since the silence began, add in a few ideas that I think are probably just mine… and a few things that seem to just be other peoples ideas…like:
An older Gent at church, gave me his business card and said I should go and counsel people. The guy who painted the outside of our house saw a stencil I did and asked if I wanted jobs. My mom wanted me to help with her overwhelming recruiting business. My husband wants me to write Bible Studies.
BUT what do I want? I have no idea … except that I want to do what Jesus wants me to do. And He hasn't said yet. Am I to keep waiting???? What if He doesn't speak again????
I keep hanging on to those prophecies … especially the one of the phonograph and the phonogram sitting by the oceans edge … the phonograph has been played and is done … the phonogram is waiting to be WRITTEN ON. The ocean is the Lords voice …. and I am waiting for His voice. But there are other prophecies … the Terraforming passage from Isaiah 41 … which spoke that God will be the One to fill the desert with water, and life… It is His work. Then the prophecies from another friend about sitting at the Feast of the Lamb in heaven -- one where I have no mouth and I am confused and another where I am glowing, dressed as a bride, with a bowl of water and sword at each side.
Each of these things speak to me - at the vey least - that God does indeed have every intention of speaking to me again. But I guess I can't help but wonder when - and WHAT -- it will be. It's beginning to drive me a bit crazy.
I know what I am already good at … counseling/mentoring … and I love that - so will that continue to be what The Lord has me to focus on? Or will it be something new… I have always felt like I am meant to be an equipper or the saints. A behind the scenes gal -- not a front liner. But will God call me to something new? Will I ever get to fulfill my dream and go for some training as a Spiritual Director? Will God have me speak -- maybe to a wider audience? Will I write? Or will I stay close to home as I have been and minister to the few people that He brings through my door. Will Homeschooling be something that continues to be my daily duty?
I read a secular article today. It was by Mark Manson, called '7 Questions That help You Find Your Life Purpose'. It was a bunch of questions to ask yourself to discover what you are passionate about. The idea is -- that you then go out and spend your time actually pursuing that passion. The article was saucy … and he swears a lot which I can appreciate to a point, but his questions were insightful. The first was : What's your favorite flavor of shit sandwich and does it come with an olive? This one breaks through the ridiculous idea that we can be happy and content 100% of the time… That is simply untrue -- so he was saying -- what are you willing to sacrifice for? If you find out, then that just might be a passion of yours. Another question was: What is true about you today that would make your 8 year old self cry? His point on this one is that as a child we are naturally draw to things certain things and there is no shame in just doing them, and enjoying them - whether they got us something or not. So what did you do as a kid that you are not doing now? Or what would you have tried as a kid - that you won't try now -- just because it seems fun?? And are you willing to try it now - regardless of what you think other people might think??
His point all throughout the article is … are you willing to risk? sacrifice? try? Are you willing to put yourself out there? Are you going to kill the voice of self-doubt that keeps you glued to the couch and comfort - or are you going to get up and take a chance on doing something amazing?
All of this just stirred up my thoughts. Am I supposed to go out and just do something - or am I supposed to wait? Does God want me to wait for this long sought after revelation … or will revelation come as I move out and find something to do?? Or do I have enough to do already … and what I really need to learn is plain old contentment??
Friday, October 23, 2015
Friday, October 2, 2015
lament is over
I have surrendered everything. Everything I can think of at least. Every sin confessed time and again. My brain racked for every possibility. I have surrendered my life, desires, will, body, all leading down to my feelings and my five senses - everything surrendered … truly I felt like there was nothing left after that.
I have been stripped of everything. So stripped that I have felt totally empty. God has taken everything -there is no comfort left, no place to hide, no soft place to land. I have been left almost lifeless.
I have had these 2 years of silence. Virtually no intimacy with Jesus … just a few short moments - vapors really. No scripture, no voice - no hearing, no sense of Him at all.
I have been hanging on to promises and prophecy. I know He is faithful. I know He loves me and this is all for a purpose … truly I KNOW THIS. I trust in Him. Through others He has kept me on course - those few prophecies that friends have spoken over me have been a lifeline as I wait.
The gloomy weight that was pressing me down is gone - Literally many people told me last week at church that I was actually glowing. They commented on my smile and laugh. I felt like I was released from some kind of prison. And since everything else has been stripped and surrendered … what am I supposed to do now? Up until now and consistently, the answer has been wait. Just wait. Keep on waiting. But here is a thought that has been occurring to me lately… even as everything has been taken and shed … the Holy Spirit still resides in me. I know that the Father has not left me - that He has still been intimate with me - even though He hasn't allowed me to feel Him … and The Holy Spirit HAS NOT left me… so somehow I should still be able to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit - right? Yes! The problem was that I was so weighed down - I felt so dead… I had no space in my life to do much of anything except lament.
As an aside … Lament is no fun. But so necessary. Lament is not just complaining as I have been recently reminded. Lament is a holy complaint. It is a complaint that is taken to God … not murmured under your breath. Lament is an honest struggle - honest questions - honest wondering - that you lay at God's doorstep - and you keep putting it there again and again. Complaints are just griping - bitching - with no other purpose than to blow off steam and stir up dissension and doubt. I am sure that I have had my moments of this … but MOST of what I have done is lament. JOB lamented. Moses lamented. The Psalmist lamented. And God PRAISES them. He honors their struggles. BUT he kills off complainers. They are the ones in the desert - the wilderness - the generation that gets killed off to usher in the faithful generation. Thank God He has taught me to lament! - to hope in Him - while I wonder what the heck He is up to. I could not have made it here without being able to lament. I am sure that it has not always been fun to read -- but this has been my format to pray and process as I lament to God.
I feel like my season of lament is over … yet I am not sure what the next season is… But I do know this … the Holy Spirit resides in me. The fruit of the Spirit are present in me - because the Spirit has never left - He is sealed in me. So even if I NEVER feel the Lord again - or hear Him directly - or I can't sense Him tugging at me in scripture, or receive another prophecy … or feel intimate in any way with Him … the SPIRIT lives in me. He WILL work in and through me. I can submit to the truth, I can OBEY the truth. I can read it and know the Word. I can call myself out on unloving moments - and pray for the strength of the Holy Spirit to correct me - and change me. I can believe that He will do it. Because that is what I am called to. To live out His love. His joy, and peace. His patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These things are IN me - because the Spirit is IN me.
Lord, give me strength to display Your fruit. Let them shine out of me - despite myself. Let this body be yours … let this body display You. Lament is now over - let this BODY radiate YOU. Let Love flow out - Let JOY show up on my face. Let peace prevail - let PATIENCE be who I am. Father, I want to reveal your kindness, and goodness. I want to be gentle. Let your faithfulness continue in me - let self-control reign.
I have been stripped of everything. So stripped that I have felt totally empty. God has taken everything -there is no comfort left, no place to hide, no soft place to land. I have been left almost lifeless.
I have had these 2 years of silence. Virtually no intimacy with Jesus … just a few short moments - vapors really. No scripture, no voice - no hearing, no sense of Him at all.
I have been hanging on to promises and prophecy. I know He is faithful. I know He loves me and this is all for a purpose … truly I KNOW THIS. I trust in Him. Through others He has kept me on course - those few prophecies that friends have spoken over me have been a lifeline as I wait.
The gloomy weight that was pressing me down is gone - Literally many people told me last week at church that I was actually glowing. They commented on my smile and laugh. I felt like I was released from some kind of prison. And since everything else has been stripped and surrendered … what am I supposed to do now? Up until now and consistently, the answer has been wait. Just wait. Keep on waiting. But here is a thought that has been occurring to me lately… even as everything has been taken and shed … the Holy Spirit still resides in me. I know that the Father has not left me - that He has still been intimate with me - even though He hasn't allowed me to feel Him … and The Holy Spirit HAS NOT left me… so somehow I should still be able to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit - right? Yes! The problem was that I was so weighed down - I felt so dead… I had no space in my life to do much of anything except lament.
As an aside … Lament is no fun. But so necessary. Lament is not just complaining as I have been recently reminded. Lament is a holy complaint. It is a complaint that is taken to God … not murmured under your breath. Lament is an honest struggle - honest questions - honest wondering - that you lay at God's doorstep - and you keep putting it there again and again. Complaints are just griping - bitching - with no other purpose than to blow off steam and stir up dissension and doubt. I am sure that I have had my moments of this … but MOST of what I have done is lament. JOB lamented. Moses lamented. The Psalmist lamented. And God PRAISES them. He honors their struggles. BUT he kills off complainers. They are the ones in the desert - the wilderness - the generation that gets killed off to usher in the faithful generation. Thank God He has taught me to lament! - to hope in Him - while I wonder what the heck He is up to. I could not have made it here without being able to lament. I am sure that it has not always been fun to read -- but this has been my format to pray and process as I lament to God.
I feel like my season of lament is over … yet I am not sure what the next season is… But I do know this … the Holy Spirit resides in me. The fruit of the Spirit are present in me - because the Spirit has never left - He is sealed in me. So even if I NEVER feel the Lord again - or hear Him directly - or I can't sense Him tugging at me in scripture, or receive another prophecy … or feel intimate in any way with Him … the SPIRIT lives in me. He WILL work in and through me. I can submit to the truth, I can OBEY the truth. I can read it and know the Word. I can call myself out on unloving moments - and pray for the strength of the Holy Spirit to correct me - and change me. I can believe that He will do it. Because that is what I am called to. To live out His love. His joy, and peace. His patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These things are IN me - because the Spirit is IN me.
Lord, give me strength to display Your fruit. Let them shine out of me - despite myself. Let this body be yours … let this body display You. Lament is now over - let this BODY radiate YOU. Let Love flow out - Let JOY show up on my face. Let peace prevail - let PATIENCE be who I am. Father, I want to reveal your kindness, and goodness. I want to be gentle. Let your faithfulness continue in me - let self-control reign.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Promised Land
As I came off the retreat feeling lifted I was reminded of something a friend had mentioned to me …
This friend came to Florida for a conference a couple of weeks ago, but she made it a point to come to my church Sunday morning and then grab dinner with me later that week. We went to Mac Grill … which is important - because we ended up drawing on the table - which if you don't know is totally allowed - they provide the crayons. Anyhow we had a really sweet time catching up … I told her all about what I have been through in the last 2 years … It was so good to lay it all out … to remember all the details and see how God was moving through it all. It felt good to dump it out. But what was even better was being able to minister to her. She needed perspective - she was stuck - and God allowed me to really be a help to her. I found myself writing on the table as I explained some things … we explored where her fears were hiding - and what she needed to invite God into. It was kind of magical.
But somewhere in the middle of that -- as I was sharing all my stuff -- she shared that someone at the conference mentioned that this year - this Hebrew year -- was going to usher in a year of Jubilee.
Interesting ….
I didn't even think about that too much until I was on the retreat. Our speaker was talking about the Exodus. The breaking of idols, bondage, slavery. It was so hard for the Israelites. In fact God had to kill off that entire generation because they could JUST NOT let go of their slavery. They kept longing for it. Wanting to go back.
The wilderness was given for that very reason … Caleb and Joshua and the other 10 went into the Promised Land to scope it out … but the 10 just couldn't believe that God was BIGGER than what they saw with their eyes. They said 'no' to God … they chose Egypt. So God killed them all off - in the desert for 40 years. He rose up the NEXT generation and taught them to be faithful. The only ones that got to go into the Promised Land from that generation were Caleb and Joshua. Not even Moses made that cut. NOT EVEN MOSES!
Our retreat speaker pointed out that the wilderness - the desert is a proving ground. A place of preparation. And we must submit to it if we want to be ready to receive the Land - the promises, the blessings, the place of filling. We CANNOT have the Land … without the preparation. We can not handle the blessings without it. This idea reminds me of something a friend spoke to me earlier in the summer … that this time of waiting on the Lord … is the deep breath in - before He releases me to something new. Sometimes even when we get to see the Promised Land … we still just don't get it. Seeing the very thing we thought we longed for actually reveals in us a deep brokenness that is so scary and ugly that instead of running to Jesus … we run back to what is safe.
THAT IS NOT FOR ME. I don't want safe … I WANT the Promised Land. I want REST in Jesus. It seems like the obvious choice … The Promised Land seems like its the easy choice - blessing is there, but I guess it simply isn't. We choose idolatry, and old comforts, and what is known. We don't really choose rest. We choose its counterfeit. Jesus brings real rest, risk, newness, change, and an unbelievable amount of trust. He is the one who strips us, brings to deep hard places, to the restless places, to face our longings - He reveals the thirst and hunger that just will never be met here on earth. BUT He is there in the middle of all of it - calling - telling us that HE is rest.
It's an intimacy that scares the shit out of us. Yet we all long for it. It's built into us - this intimacy - to long for it. Yet all we want is to flirt and have a sip … but Jesus wants us to drink deeply - fully. Drink it all down - accept - abide - rest in it.
I want the Promised Land.
The year of Jubilee … is a year of release. The Israelite's who had sold themselves into slavery were to be released so they could go back and claim their inheritance … their piece of the Land. And their land was to be released and given back … because their inheritance could never be permanently taken - just leased essentially - and worked in their absence. So Jubilee is meant to restore inheritance.
I think this Jubilee is meant to restore ME to my inheritance.
The Day of Atonement - the Hebrew New Year - the day that Jews used to send a priest into the Mercy Seat to sprinkle blood and atone for the sins of the whole nation each year -- just passed by last week.
Jubilee has begun. And I want my inheritance back! I want deep overwhelming intimacy back. I want my rest in Jesus.
I want the Promised Land.
This friend came to Florida for a conference a couple of weeks ago, but she made it a point to come to my church Sunday morning and then grab dinner with me later that week. We went to Mac Grill … which is important - because we ended up drawing on the table - which if you don't know is totally allowed - they provide the crayons. Anyhow we had a really sweet time catching up … I told her all about what I have been through in the last 2 years … It was so good to lay it all out … to remember all the details and see how God was moving through it all. It felt good to dump it out. But what was even better was being able to minister to her. She needed perspective - she was stuck - and God allowed me to really be a help to her. I found myself writing on the table as I explained some things … we explored where her fears were hiding - and what she needed to invite God into. It was kind of magical.
But somewhere in the middle of that -- as I was sharing all my stuff -- she shared that someone at the conference mentioned that this year - this Hebrew year -- was going to usher in a year of Jubilee.
Interesting ….
I didn't even think about that too much until I was on the retreat. Our speaker was talking about the Exodus. The breaking of idols, bondage, slavery. It was so hard for the Israelites. In fact God had to kill off that entire generation because they could JUST NOT let go of their slavery. They kept longing for it. Wanting to go back.
The wilderness was given for that very reason … Caleb and Joshua and the other 10 went into the Promised Land to scope it out … but the 10 just couldn't believe that God was BIGGER than what they saw with their eyes. They said 'no' to God … they chose Egypt. So God killed them all off - in the desert for 40 years. He rose up the NEXT generation and taught them to be faithful. The only ones that got to go into the Promised Land from that generation were Caleb and Joshua. Not even Moses made that cut. NOT EVEN MOSES!
Our retreat speaker pointed out that the wilderness - the desert is a proving ground. A place of preparation. And we must submit to it if we want to be ready to receive the Land - the promises, the blessings, the place of filling. We CANNOT have the Land … without the preparation. We can not handle the blessings without it. This idea reminds me of something a friend spoke to me earlier in the summer … that this time of waiting on the Lord … is the deep breath in - before He releases me to something new. Sometimes even when we get to see the Promised Land … we still just don't get it. Seeing the very thing we thought we longed for actually reveals in us a deep brokenness that is so scary and ugly that instead of running to Jesus … we run back to what is safe.
THAT IS NOT FOR ME. I don't want safe … I WANT the Promised Land. I want REST in Jesus. It seems like the obvious choice … The Promised Land seems like its the easy choice - blessing is there, but I guess it simply isn't. We choose idolatry, and old comforts, and what is known. We don't really choose rest. We choose its counterfeit. Jesus brings real rest, risk, newness, change, and an unbelievable amount of trust. He is the one who strips us, brings to deep hard places, to the restless places, to face our longings - He reveals the thirst and hunger that just will never be met here on earth. BUT He is there in the middle of all of it - calling - telling us that HE is rest.
It's an intimacy that scares the shit out of us. Yet we all long for it. It's built into us - this intimacy - to long for it. Yet all we want is to flirt and have a sip … but Jesus wants us to drink deeply - fully. Drink it all down - accept - abide - rest in it.
I want the Promised Land.
The year of Jubilee … is a year of release. The Israelite's who had sold themselves into slavery were to be released so they could go back and claim their inheritance … their piece of the Land. And their land was to be released and given back … because their inheritance could never be permanently taken - just leased essentially - and worked in their absence. So Jubilee is meant to restore inheritance.
I think this Jubilee is meant to restore ME to my inheritance.
The Day of Atonement - the Hebrew New Year - the day that Jews used to send a priest into the Mercy Seat to sprinkle blood and atone for the sins of the whole nation each year -- just passed by last week.
Jubilee has begun. And I want my inheritance back! I want deep overwhelming intimacy back. I want my rest in Jesus.
I want the Promised Land.
I'll take it
I am wondering what's next…
A couple of weeks ago I went away on our women's retreat. I did NOT want to go … not even a little. That's not normally how I feel about these things. I usually love hanging out with women and ministering to them. But if you have read my last post … that was what I was in the middle of. I felt dead - I felt lifeless - I hating being the dark cloud everywhere I went. I was sick of explaining myself. Sick of minimizing. My husband had to force me to go. As I arrived people didn't know what to do with me. I went up and hid in my room. Everyone said I looked unhappy - pissed off. But that's not quite it … I was just done. So done with the whole God - is - silent - Dark Night of the Soul thing. I just couldn't bear it anymore …
It was very hard to shake that feeling as the retreat began. That night we sat in small groups and had to share who we are with everyone. I tried to minimize -- share as little as I could get out -- until a woman asked me to clarify what I meant by silence. Then I was there describing my Summer of Jesus … and all that came with it then I found myself describing the silence - all the stripping and the pain of the silence. The one thing that is left is a desperate need for Jesus -- I just want Him.
Not much touched me during the retreat … I really didn't expect it to. I had a couple of great conversations with the woman who was speaking … and she said to me that she had the capacity to listen to engage. I so appreciated that.
BUT then I had a conversation with a dear older lady -- NOT that much older - but older than me. She wanted to catch up and listen to what was up with me. I shared… and she pushed me to cry - to let out my tears - my longing for Jesus … it was hard - tears have been hard to gather. But in that moment - and for just a moment I let out a few. AND in that moment - something changed. Something broke. The dark cloud that I had walked in with lifted … I can't name what that was - I can't explain it --- but the weight that pushed me down was gone. A level of freedom showed up that hasn't been there in a LONG time.
And finally I felt like I could really smile. Could really laugh.
Some healing took place -- I just don't know what. But I'll take it.
A couple of weeks ago I went away on our women's retreat. I did NOT want to go … not even a little. That's not normally how I feel about these things. I usually love hanging out with women and ministering to them. But if you have read my last post … that was what I was in the middle of. I felt dead - I felt lifeless - I hating being the dark cloud everywhere I went. I was sick of explaining myself. Sick of minimizing. My husband had to force me to go. As I arrived people didn't know what to do with me. I went up and hid in my room. Everyone said I looked unhappy - pissed off. But that's not quite it … I was just done. So done with the whole God - is - silent - Dark Night of the Soul thing. I just couldn't bear it anymore …
It was very hard to shake that feeling as the retreat began. That night we sat in small groups and had to share who we are with everyone. I tried to minimize -- share as little as I could get out -- until a woman asked me to clarify what I meant by silence. Then I was there describing my Summer of Jesus … and all that came with it then I found myself describing the silence - all the stripping and the pain of the silence. The one thing that is left is a desperate need for Jesus -- I just want Him.
Not much touched me during the retreat … I really didn't expect it to. I had a couple of great conversations with the woman who was speaking … and she said to me that she had the capacity to listen to engage. I so appreciated that.
BUT then I had a conversation with a dear older lady -- NOT that much older - but older than me. She wanted to catch up and listen to what was up with me. I shared… and she pushed me to cry - to let out my tears - my longing for Jesus … it was hard - tears have been hard to gather. But in that moment - and for just a moment I let out a few. AND in that moment - something changed. Something broke. The dark cloud that I had walked in with lifted … I can't name what that was - I can't explain it --- but the weight that pushed me down was gone. A level of freedom showed up that hasn't been there in a LONG time.
And finally I felt like I could really smile. Could really laugh.
Some healing took place -- I just don't know what. But I'll take it.
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