resurrect me

My soul feels completely burned up with nothing left.
Even my husband said -- 'It's like I have watched you shrivel up over the past 2 years.'
There is no place inside me left hidden. Nothing that is untouched from this drought.
I am sucked dry. Burned over. Barren. Sandy. Dirt blowing in relentless wind.
Every drop of water is gone. No reservoir left. Every bit used up.
Thirsty is too small. Depressed a laugh. Hungry so far passed.
It's a soul apocalypse.
This must be what dead feels like.
Except I am more like a zombie … still walking around as the undead.

I stayed home from church just wanting quiet … and not wanting to talk to anyone. I don't want to have to lie about what I am right now. I don't want people to say dumb things … I just can't bear it anymore. Truly, I think I have prayed my last prayers today.

Last night as I fell asleep … after my husband declared some truly painful things to me. I couldn't even engage them … I couldn't feel them… they just were. I couldn't even hurt for him. So as I fell asleep, I asked God if this is the end yet … the bottom of where I needed to go. And then I remembered something I had read earlier that day … something from Mother Theresa … that if there is no joy in a soul it is because they are withholding something from God. Am I? Am I withholding something God?

This morning I listened to some worship music. I listened to Keith Green's, Rushing Wind … I listened to Jenn Johnson singing Come To Me, and Kari Jobe's, Holy Spirit and Revelation Song.

And then I prayed again in desperation wondering if I am withholding something. I realized I am holding onto my feelings. That somehow I think they are who I am. I let them go too. I mean I just don't need anything anymore - I am now officially dead. No feelings left anyway … so I let them float off with everything else I thought was me. And I prayed and let go of anything else I could think of … My husband, my kids, my house, my friends, my ministry, my church, my thoughts, my desires, my wants, my needs, my senses… what I can see, hear, taste, smell, and touch.
I gave it all to Jesus.
Everything.
So I can have Him.
I just want Him.

I don't want to withhold anything. Come fill me entirely with Your Spirit, Jesus. Father, resurrect me.

Rushing Wind blow through this temple
Blowing out the dust within
Come and breathe Your breath upon me
For I have been born again.

Holy Spirit I surrender
Take me where You want to go
Plant me by Your living water
Plant me deep so I can grow