resurrect me

My soul feels completely burned up with nothing left.
Even my husband said -- 'It's like I have watched you shrivel up over the past 2 years.'
There is no place inside me left hidden. Nothing that is untouched from this drought.
I am sucked dry. Burned over. Barren. Sandy. Dirt blowing in relentless wind.
Every drop of water is gone. No reservoir left. Every bit used up.
Thirsty is too small. Depressed a laugh. Hungry so far passed.
It's a soul apocalypse.
This must be what dead feels like.
Except I am more like a zombie … still walking around as the undead.

I stayed home from church just wanting quiet … and not wanting to talk to anyone. I don't want to have to lie about what I am right now. I don't want people to say dumb things … I just can't bear it anymore. Truly, I think I have prayed my last prayers today.

Last night as I fell asleep … after my husband declared some truly painful things to me. I couldn't even engage them … I couldn't feel them… they just were. I couldn't even hurt for him. So as I fell asleep, I asked God if this is the end yet … the bottom of where I needed to go. And then I remembered something I had read earlier that day … something from Mother Theresa … that if there is no joy in a soul it is because they are withholding something from God. Am I? Am I withholding something God?

This morning I listened to some worship music. I listened to Keith Green's, Rushing Wind … I listened to Jenn Johnson singing Come To Me, and Kari Jobe's, Holy Spirit and Revelation Song.

And then I prayed again in desperation wondering if I am withholding something. I realized I am holding onto my feelings. That somehow I think they are who I am. I let them go too. I mean I just don't need anything anymore - I am now officially dead. No feelings left anyway … so I let them float off with everything else I thought was me. And I prayed and let go of anything else I could think of … My husband, my kids, my house, my friends, my ministry, my church, my thoughts, my desires, my wants, my needs, my senses… what I can see, hear, taste, smell, and touch.
I gave it all to Jesus.
Everything.
So I can have Him.
I just want Him.

I don't want to withhold anything. Come fill me entirely with Your Spirit, Jesus. Father, resurrect me.

Rushing Wind blow through this temple
Blowing out the dust within
Come and breathe Your breath upon me
For I have been born again.

Holy Spirit I surrender
Take me where You want to go
Plant me by Your living water
Plant me deep so I can grow

Terraforming Prayer

The struggle continues … I stayed home last night from a meeting I should have gone to… My husband came home concerned and wanting to help me … the only thing that sounded helpful - (because I don't even know what the heck I need or want) - was to be left alone - to have nothing required of me. Did it help? … no… And instead, I just feel an anxiousness steadily rising in me …
Yet, I don't even know why. Maybe there is another spiritual battle in my future.

I listened to another Mike Bickle sermon yesterday, I wrote, I did all that I should get done at home, homeschooled … but nothing would get rid of this 'yuck' I feel. I just feel so spent, so drained. So I read again the Isaiah passage that God gave me last year … I turn to it regularly because it is the only scripture that has spoken to me in the last 2 years. It gives me hope to keep waiting … KNOWING that God WILL rescue … He will draw me out at some point.

Here it is again: Isaiah 41:17-20

17 When the poor and needy seek water,
    and there is none,
    and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
    I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
18 I will open rivers on the bare heights,
    and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
    and the dry land springs of water.
19 I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
    the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
    the plane and the pine together,
20 that they may see and know,
    may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
    the Holy One of Israel has created it.

Lord, I am feeling poor and super needy. I need to be watered by You. I am so parched - so thirsty … every bit of me is crying out - is aching - is longing for You. Thirst doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling any more … I am dehydrated -- dying of thirst.

Father, I want You to answer -- I need You to answer … I feel too weak and dead to continue. I will believe and not waver - YOU ARE here … YOU ARE at work in me … YOU HAVE NOT left me… YOU HAVE NEVER ceased to be intimate with me. This is what is true - this is who YOU are. This is what YOU have promised. It is based on YOUR character … not on me and my moments of doubt. You never change - You never lie - You keep your promises.

Father, open up those rivers!! Out of NOTHING please create life - let YOUR SPIRIT flow out of me again!! Out of the heights - FLOW! Out of the depths - the valleys - FLOW! Out of the desert - FLOW! Make my dry heart alive - may your Spirit flood me with life again!!

Plant life in me again, Father. I want to flourish, I want to be green, I want to understand our union. Remake this desert - remake my heart …. TERRAFORM me!! Grow new things in me. I need new ways to know You … the old ways seem so far away … I want to hear YOUR thoughts, the know YOUR mind, to breath in YOUR Spirit.

Lord, I want to KNOW You. I want to SEE YOU. I want to CONSIDER you anew. I want to UNDERSTAND You. Help me trust Your hand. I want to trust Your ways. I want to KNOW that You have done this … and I confess I want to know why. BUT mostly - I need to know that YOU are holy - That You are Creator and I am created. That You are GOOD and right. Help my heart to keep trusting - keep believing - to keep seeking - to keep looking - to keep hoping - to keep loving - to keep my eyes fixed on You - waiting for Your work in me to be completed. You are not done - You are not DONE. Give me more patience. Grant me more faith.

Father - may You be glorified in me. May You be pleased as You look on me thru this trial. May You be worshipped and adored … first by me - then by those who thru me - know YOU. May we fill heaven with our praise … give me more resources so that I might fill Your life with my praise. I want to worship You more - I want to put a smile on Your face and give You pleasure and joy. Jesus - I praise YOU, Spirit, I worship YOU. All of this is prayed in the name of Jesus, and through the power of the Holy Spirit, Amen.