purge it all

Nothing much has changed.
I still feel numb … I am still waiting.
Somedays I am fine with waiting, and some days I am not.

Last week it was hard to wait. My husband and I fought … the fight was about something else, but really it was about me not caring about anything right now. This numb indifference is hard to deal with. But I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know that it is supposed to go away.

I just want to endure this Dark Night well. I want to be where God has me … and not circumvent His plan and desire for me. I want to learn the lessons He has for me in this reality and not run from it. I want to suffer well. I want to be able to boast in my weakness. So that God may get His glory - His way. He says His grace is sufficient and I really want to believe that. So God make me believe that. I want my unbelief washed away…. the sooner the better.

Unbelief is truly the enemy of our soul … the stem of our problems. It whispers for us not to believe God's heart for us … His great love for us … or believe that His plans are not good… or that somehow He has forgotten about me. It is all a lie … it is sin for us to look these lies in the face and give them space inside of us. Purge it all, Jesus.

I give myself again to You.