4 days

I had to bolt out in the middle of church yesterday … I just couldn't stand to be there anymore. I definitely did not want to stand there singing - begging God to come give me the desire to want Him. That's what it all seemed to be about … and then the sermon was fine - about who to confront and judge and who not to … it was all just great - except I already know that. I could barely pay attention … and I definitely could not bear to hear another song…

I went out to my car and confessed my sin again … confessed any and all indifference, my cold heart, my not-caring-about-anything attitude of late … I confessed all those things even though I feel I can not control it even a little - in the small hope that it might unblock me. But really I begged God to take my heart out of the prison I feel like it's locked up in.

I texted a friend just because I really wanted to talk to someone who wasn't going to try and fix me, or tell me something dumb to try, or look at me with surprised or dumbfounded eyes. No one gets it …

I begged God to send me someone who gets it. I just need one.

I keep saying I am asking for the right things …right? I want intimacy with God … I want my heart to love Him wholly - fully - totally. My heart's cry is singular … Jesus. I want to worship Him. I want the eyes of my heart to focus on Him. I want my heart to wake up, so that I can engage and hear Him … so I can serve and love. Yet I feel totally absent.

My friend said she thinks I am depressed … I say I am way passed depressed. She said I don't have enough margin, that I am doing too much and I don't have enough time to recharge … BUT - I have plenty of margin … the problem is that I am NOT BEING FILLED. All my reserves - every reservoir is empty … I am completely sucked dry. Every drop has been used.

She said that God seems cruel. Yes - that is how I feel at times… But I know it can NOT be true. God cannot be cruel … He is only ever good.

So this MUST be for my good. That is the only conclusion I can come to.

This suffering He has given is for my good … and His glory.

Jesus waited 4 days before He went to raise Lazarus from the dead. 4 days the sisters suffered waiting, feeling lost and alone without Jesus, their brother dead and buried… Jesus was told earlier to go and heal him … but He waited. He said it would not lead to death but would lead to His glory - Jesus' glory. And then He came and resurrected him … Lazarus woke up and walked out of the tomb. The passage doesn't talk about anyone worshipping Him after the resurrection … only that Lazarus walked out and should be unwrapped. Mostly, the passage talks about Jesus being deeply moved, and weeping before He healed him from death.

That's the part I like … He knows that we hurt as time passes. That time has effected us. That time alone and apart from Him hurts us. And it hurts Him - that we hurt.

My 4 days has lasted for 2 years. No one has died … and my circumstances are totally fine. But I FEEL dead inside. I feel like I need to be RESURRECTED. The prison my heart is in -- is that tomb. Are my 4 days up yet?

God please

I feel as though I can write the last post all over again.

Nothing much has changed. I still feel stuck. I still can not absorb the Word. I still feel like my prayers are a vapor. I still feel numb and lifeless. I still do not know how to spend my days, my minutes, my thoughts. I feel as if I am watching my life … and when God does seem to direct its hard to know and see … it feels like I'm being herded rather then held by the hand with a guide.

I don't know how much more I can take … the post I wrote about God's smile seems so distant …

I keep begging God to give me something - anything to help…

I am worn out …

I hate feeling this way… like life is sucking away and I am not really  -- anything.

I can't love Him well. I can't love my family well. I feel useless in ministry and friendships.

I even hate writing this again. Truly I am sick of the same complaint … sharing the same lackluster story, the same 'eh' when people ask how I am. I hate it all.

God please…

purge it all

Nothing much has changed.
I still feel numb … I am still waiting.
Somedays I am fine with waiting, and some days I am not.

Last week it was hard to wait. My husband and I fought … the fight was about something else, but really it was about me not caring about anything right now. This numb indifference is hard to deal with. But I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know that it is supposed to go away.

I just want to endure this Dark Night well. I want to be where God has me … and not circumvent His plan and desire for me. I want to learn the lessons He has for me in this reality and not run from it. I want to suffer well. I want to be able to boast in my weakness. So that God may get His glory - His way. He says His grace is sufficient and I really want to believe that. So God make me believe that. I want my unbelief washed away…. the sooner the better.

Unbelief is truly the enemy of our soul … the stem of our problems. It whispers for us not to believe God's heart for us … His great love for us … or believe that His plans are not good… or that somehow He has forgotten about me. It is all a lie … it is sin for us to look these lies in the face and give them space inside of us. Purge it all, Jesus.

I give myself again to You.