The best part of the Mike Bickle Song of Solomon series has got be learning about how much we are loved.
WE ARE LOVED. passionately. wholly. pursued. ravished. cherished.
I believe this REVELATION will completely - TOTALLY - alter me from here on out.
Here is what I mean …
I have always known that I am loved by God. That is what led me into salvation … Jesus dying on the cross for me has been a constant. Overcoming my sin and crappy, pathetic messed up life, with His death, however, didn't ever seem like a good trade for Him - but He was willing somehow - so I said 'yes'. I took the gift of salvation and claimed it, and figured I would figure out how it all fit together.
Over time I faltered in understanding this at different moments … but would always come back to it … and rest in it… but eventually only to a degree. There was always something more that I wanted - this didn't feel like intimacy but more like a transaction - I would gain eternity and a relationship with God and somehow God would get more glory … its the somehow I struggled with. Because He got me in the trade… and I was supposed to give Him more and more glory as more and more sin shed from my life. The only problem was that I was always doing the same sinful things -- like all the time. So how could He get His glory from me? So I always pictured God with a frowny face. :( He was always disappointed - always expecting more. He was always expecting me to be more than I was/am. And then I never felt any intimacy because I knew that when we sin - fellowship is broken - intimacy is lost - I've screwed up giving Him glory and so there was no glory to be had. I was just a continual screw up.
Then I started learning about my identity in Christ… who I am because of what Jesus did. It's all right there in scripture … God doesn't see me and my sin - He sees Jesus and His perfection. Because I am in Christ I am somehow new - I am made clean - the old is gone the new is come!
I am new! I am clean because of what Christ has done!
God could finally now smile on me and call me His CHILD - I am a sister to Jesus. And I began to feel and understand what it means to be loved like a daughter. This brought some more of the intimacy that I craved. God even sealed this time with the amazing inflow of His presence and poured out a very tangible sense of His love on me. Nothing has ever been the same since then.
Then He removed His tangible love and presence, and I swung back into my old ways of thinking at first. I doubted God and His goodness. I doubted His character and His word. So God took me on a journey of faith. I learned that He does NOT lie. He is who He says He is. That He can be trusted, that His love for His children is real. That if I confess all my crap and walk into the light - I can exchange my crap for healing, peace, and a larger measure of the Holy Spirit from Him … and He gets more glory…. because now there is ACTUALLY less sin in me. That finally seemed like a good trade for Him because now I finally was beginning to 'get' it. As my mind awakened to who I am already in Christ and I then was able to glorify Him with a life more fully lived unto Him.
BUT then it changed again … since I have been in this time of silence … I have learned more real, breath-taking desire for Him. I have never wanted anything more than to be near to Him again … and my desire for intimacy with Him has grown even deeper and stronger. I just want Him. I want His glory to shine more beautifully. I want to know His mind, and His heart, I want to live more openly with Him, I want to serve with more risk. At first I think I just wanted to feel better … but that quickly changed…. and desperation for HIM came in its place. I don't know where that change took place, but it did. But I want an even deeper intimacy now … the old ways of being with Jesus no longer seem to work … but new ones have yet to appear … but I will keep on waiting until I can take hold of Him again….
That's where this Song of Solomon series comes in … Its all about coming to understand how deeply - passionately we are pursued by Jesus as His BRIDE. This is HUGE! Because this is the kind of intimacy we all crave - deep - fulfilling - God glorifying - crazy passionate love. This is where we learn that we are pursued … not just because we are pathetic creatures that need help and fixing - like a toddler that makes a mess all the time. But as a cherished one who will walk beside Jesus in heaven … head held high knowing we are His CHOSEN ones. Knowing that we ravish His heart, knowing that He sees us as beautiful, and lovely, and worth knowing! He crawled into human skin not just to fix what had gone wrong in the garden so long ago … but to free HIS BRIDE from slavery. To teach His Bride how to be free in His love and to love others. But mostly so we can LOVE Him. That is the first commandment … to love HIM. He wants our hearts to adore Him just like He adores us. He wants us free from sin … not just to right a wrong, but because He wants a companion to love and share all of creation with.
He is our Prize - Jesus is a prize worth truly seeing - He is the Bridegroom King. BUT we also are HIS INHERITANCE. We are what He is coming back for … what He has playing out in all of history to get - His Bride - His jewel - His love - His PASSION.
WOW.
Don't you see how this changes EVERYTHING!????
Now as I see myself as the companion of His heart … the one He has pursued, chased after, and won… How can I not respond with my whole life in love given over to Him? My whole existence now makes so much more sense. My desires make more sense, my actions, my sins, my idols even - have all been in the pursuit of intimacy that I did not think was attainable. That's why so much frustration and shame and guilt and mess and shit exist in our lives.
BUT now I see that He wants me too. And my love is an echo of His. As my heart is overtaken with Him and even when I love Him with the smallest of my desires and my weak intentions … THIS is what gives Him glory and makes His heart glad. This is where our service comes from … This is a God with a smile on His face…. and who is receiving the glory and adoration He deserves!
You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
10 How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much better is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!
SOS 4: 9-10
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Stirrings
There have been a few stirrings in my spirit in the last couple of weeks.
I met this woman who I will be helping to mentor and she has an extremely strong gift of prophecy. Actually, even as we were sitting there I saw the Holy Spirit manifest Himself. She became bright red as she listened to the Spirit talk with her. Another friend was there with us and she FELT the Spirit as well. I did not… but I could see it! Then she looked right at me - not knowing me - or anything about me - and said 'You are waiting… the Lord has you waiting … it won't be much longer.' My friend who does know my story started crying and praising the Lord … she was so excited to experience the Lord like that, and was so excited for me to hear that the waiting is soon ending. Needless to say - I was SUPER excited too.
That night I felt so stirred up in my spirit… I had trouble sleeping… and my heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest. It went on like that all night and I just kept praying … praying to go back to sleep, for my heart to settle, for anyone and everyone who came to mind while I was awake! Then I felt compelled to get out of bed and lay facedown on the floor in a bow and give myself again to Jesus. I surrendered myself totally again to be His servant. To be obedient, to be open, to make Him happy, as He sees fit to lead.
Then over the next few days some old friends from college came for a visit, and it was truly easy to share with them … so I opened way up. My friend really understood and didn't try to fix me, but instead she spoke some prophecy over me as well. She told me that as soon as she heard me say that I was waiting for 2 years in this Dark Night of the Soul, that the phrase 'waiting and warring' came into her mind. She had read a book about this concept … that when God needs you to go be in a big spiritual battle … He takes His time preparing you in a long waiting period. She believed that God was preparing me for something like this.
Amidst all of this, I've been listening to a few more installments of Mike Bickle's teachings on the Song of Solomon … and they have just been fabulous. One taught me about the little compromises in my life that need to be dealt with (the little foxes of verse 2:15) so I can move into greater maturity and depth of intimacy with the Lord. I immediately of course thought about food and TV. So I am making a new concerted effort to focus once again on my food intake. I just - I mean literally!! - downloaded an APP called my symptoms and food tracker so I can tell which foods affect my fibromyalgia more than others … and hopefully as I learn along with this carb/grain/starch/sugar free diet - I will be able to amend even more of what I eat and what I don't. I've lost a couple more pounds and cut most carbs etc from my diet… but there are still healthy things that need to be added in and a few things that should come out. However, I am still going to eat chocolate!! That may never change!! But on the TV side I have chosen once again to leave it off until the evening. I just waste too much time in front of that thing. I have sensed that God may want me to lay off of it as well … but that 'sense' is weak. And in all of the silence, and noise from the enemy, and not knowing what the heck to do with myself at any given moment of any given day … TV had again taken a larger place in my life than I would have liked. I can't say I am looking for more empty silence…. but I am trying to submit. It's truly the not knowing what to do with myself part that i struggle with most … everything still feels meaningless and its hard to hone in on how best to spend my limited energy throughout the day.
I met this woman who I will be helping to mentor and she has an extremely strong gift of prophecy. Actually, even as we were sitting there I saw the Holy Spirit manifest Himself. She became bright red as she listened to the Spirit talk with her. Another friend was there with us and she FELT the Spirit as well. I did not… but I could see it! Then she looked right at me - not knowing me - or anything about me - and said 'You are waiting… the Lord has you waiting … it won't be much longer.' My friend who does know my story started crying and praising the Lord … she was so excited to experience the Lord like that, and was so excited for me to hear that the waiting is soon ending. Needless to say - I was SUPER excited too.
That night I felt so stirred up in my spirit… I had trouble sleeping… and my heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest. It went on like that all night and I just kept praying … praying to go back to sleep, for my heart to settle, for anyone and everyone who came to mind while I was awake! Then I felt compelled to get out of bed and lay facedown on the floor in a bow and give myself again to Jesus. I surrendered myself totally again to be His servant. To be obedient, to be open, to make Him happy, as He sees fit to lead.
Then over the next few days some old friends from college came for a visit, and it was truly easy to share with them … so I opened way up. My friend really understood and didn't try to fix me, but instead she spoke some prophecy over me as well. She told me that as soon as she heard me say that I was waiting for 2 years in this Dark Night of the Soul, that the phrase 'waiting and warring' came into her mind. She had read a book about this concept … that when God needs you to go be in a big spiritual battle … He takes His time preparing you in a long waiting period. She believed that God was preparing me for something like this.
Amidst all of this, I've been listening to a few more installments of Mike Bickle's teachings on the Song of Solomon … and they have just been fabulous. One taught me about the little compromises in my life that need to be dealt with (the little foxes of verse 2:15) so I can move into greater maturity and depth of intimacy with the Lord. I immediately of course thought about food and TV. So I am making a new concerted effort to focus once again on my food intake. I just - I mean literally!! - downloaded an APP called my symptoms and food tracker so I can tell which foods affect my fibromyalgia more than others … and hopefully as I learn along with this carb/grain/starch/sugar free diet - I will be able to amend even more of what I eat and what I don't. I've lost a couple more pounds and cut most carbs etc from my diet… but there are still healthy things that need to be added in and a few things that should come out. However, I am still going to eat chocolate!! That may never change!! But on the TV side I have chosen once again to leave it off until the evening. I just waste too much time in front of that thing. I have sensed that God may want me to lay off of it as well … but that 'sense' is weak. And in all of the silence, and noise from the enemy, and not knowing what the heck to do with myself at any given moment of any given day … TV had again taken a larger place in my life than I would have liked. I can't say I am looking for more empty silence…. but I am trying to submit. It's truly the not knowing what to do with myself part that i struggle with most … everything still feels meaningless and its hard to hone in on how best to spend my limited energy throughout the day.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
new teacher
Lately, I've been waking up in a lot of pain. Fibromyalgia pretty much sucks. It causes your joints to become inflamed so they ache and hurt. So this morning was quite unpleasant.
My husband and I were just away on a retreat … so I tend to get a little more wild and free with eating while we are away. This is not to say I have been angelic or perfectly obedient to my diet when I am at home … but I have been making some progress as I steadily move toward a carb/starch/grain/sugar free diet. As much as I would love to just make a declaration over myself and pronouncing that I am over those lovely flavors … that is NOT how it has been. I usually have a bit of chocolate each day … if not a few bites of something totally yummy and sinful. So on our way down to the retreat we stumbled upon a Jamba Juice … hands down the best smoothies ever! So we decided to get one each instead of lunch. As promised it delivered a wonderful treat to my mouth. And then later that night we had room service! A delicious grilled Cuban sandwich … mmm bread… The only problem is that then I woke up the next morning I felt particularly crappy.
Then I realized in that moment - WOW - I feel like this because of what I ate yesterday! I had a ton of sugar and bread and not enough water … and the direct correlation to this food was how achy I felt. This was a huge moment. It was huge because I never understood how much food was affecting my body in this negative way. So the next morning I woke up and breakfast was provided for us at the retreat but it was a total carb fest … the only thing I could possibly eat 'safely' was an apple. BUT here's the thing … If I didn't know that the cause of my morning pain was the food I ate the day before … I would have eaten that carb fest - HAPPILY. BUT because I woke up with pain - I chose differently! I had the 'safe' apple… which was way less satisfying than the muffins and cereal but the next day I woke up with far less pain.
This all made me think thru my last doctors appointment. It was about a month ago. I was struggling through the 'numbness which then bled into meaninglessness' season which I had in the last few months. So my doctor wanted to put me on an antidepressant. I REALLY did not want to do that. I mean REALLY. I asked if there was anything else we could try first… he said that there was nothing that would get the job done. Then he said something I will never forget - 'I am just trying to ease your suffering.'
Well that made me really THINK!! I left there pondering that phrase. That is the very thing we are all trying to avoid. I mean who really WANTS to suffer? Not me. No one does. This is the thing we run from - and we run into our American culture and see everywhere that it is not only OK but totally acceptable to run from all things that might cause us pain. And not only running from it all, but running TO something that makes us feel better even if its just for a moment. In fact we say things like 'I deserve this' … or 'I need this' … when really it boils down to an excuse for our self-placating behaviors and addictions. I do this all the time with food and TV and a million other things … the first 2 just happen to be top on my list.
My goal CAN NOT BE to ease my suffering. Suffering instead, has to become my TEACHER. If I had chosen the easy route with the antidepressants they would have masked all of my pain. (in my case I believe they were not needed because my mood was brought on by another medication - which I also decided to end. However, I do not feel that anti-depressants are bad in any way if they are truly needed for a season.) And If I had masked all of my pain, I would have missed my opportunity to learn the correlation between my food intake and pain the following day… and my decisions would not have changed. Because I chose to allow the suffering instead of run away from it - I allowed it to train me. And how can I ever re-train myself unless I submit to a new way of doing things? Suffering then has to be a part of herding me into something new.
Who knew suffering could be so helpful? Now if only I could get to the place where I welcomed it with joy … hopefully someday that will be a post all its own.
My husband and I were just away on a retreat … so I tend to get a little more wild and free with eating while we are away. This is not to say I have been angelic or perfectly obedient to my diet when I am at home … but I have been making some progress as I steadily move toward a carb/starch/grain/sugar free diet. As much as I would love to just make a declaration over myself and pronouncing that I am over those lovely flavors … that is NOT how it has been. I usually have a bit of chocolate each day … if not a few bites of something totally yummy and sinful. So on our way down to the retreat we stumbled upon a Jamba Juice … hands down the best smoothies ever! So we decided to get one each instead of lunch. As promised it delivered a wonderful treat to my mouth. And then later that night we had room service! A delicious grilled Cuban sandwich … mmm bread… The only problem is that then I woke up the next morning I felt particularly crappy.
Then I realized in that moment - WOW - I feel like this because of what I ate yesterday! I had a ton of sugar and bread and not enough water … and the direct correlation to this food was how achy I felt. This was a huge moment. It was huge because I never understood how much food was affecting my body in this negative way. So the next morning I woke up and breakfast was provided for us at the retreat but it was a total carb fest … the only thing I could possibly eat 'safely' was an apple. BUT here's the thing … If I didn't know that the cause of my morning pain was the food I ate the day before … I would have eaten that carb fest - HAPPILY. BUT because I woke up with pain - I chose differently! I had the 'safe' apple… which was way less satisfying than the muffins and cereal but the next day I woke up with far less pain.
This all made me think thru my last doctors appointment. It was about a month ago. I was struggling through the 'numbness which then bled into meaninglessness' season which I had in the last few months. So my doctor wanted to put me on an antidepressant. I REALLY did not want to do that. I mean REALLY. I asked if there was anything else we could try first… he said that there was nothing that would get the job done. Then he said something I will never forget - 'I am just trying to ease your suffering.'
Well that made me really THINK!! I left there pondering that phrase. That is the very thing we are all trying to avoid. I mean who really WANTS to suffer? Not me. No one does. This is the thing we run from - and we run into our American culture and see everywhere that it is not only OK but totally acceptable to run from all things that might cause us pain. And not only running from it all, but running TO something that makes us feel better even if its just for a moment. In fact we say things like 'I deserve this' … or 'I need this' … when really it boils down to an excuse for our self-placating behaviors and addictions. I do this all the time with food and TV and a million other things … the first 2 just happen to be top on my list.
My goal CAN NOT BE to ease my suffering. Suffering instead, has to become my TEACHER. If I had chosen the easy route with the antidepressants they would have masked all of my pain. (in my case I believe they were not needed because my mood was brought on by another medication - which I also decided to end. However, I do not feel that anti-depressants are bad in any way if they are truly needed for a season.) And If I had masked all of my pain, I would have missed my opportunity to learn the correlation between my food intake and pain the following day… and my decisions would not have changed. Because I chose to allow the suffering instead of run away from it - I allowed it to train me. And how can I ever re-train myself unless I submit to a new way of doing things? Suffering then has to be a part of herding me into something new.
Who knew suffering could be so helpful? Now if only I could get to the place where I welcomed it with joy … hopefully someday that will be a post all its own.
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