wondering and purpose

I had one good day this last week and then got attacked by the flu. BUT that one good day - was really good. I spent a quiet morning writing and reading, reflecting and listening to the next installment of the Mike Bickle series on Song Of Solomon. It was called 'The Bride's Identity and Life Purpose (SOS 2:1-7).' This seemed pretty crazy since I was just talking with my husband the night before about my life's purpose and having no idea how I am meant to spend my time and feeling fulfilled in very little that I do (that could totally just be the dark-night-fog-brain). In fact though, I feel like God has intentionally kept me out of, and away from, a lot of different things… intentionally keeping me quiet - at least on the outside. But, the question still lingers … what AM I supposed to be doing … right now and in the future?… is there something new? Do I even need to wonder about it?

And yet I can't seem to stop wondering about it. I think that is in part due to some visions, dreams, and words of prophecy that I have received either directly or from friends. And some thoughts that I have been having lately that I am not sure are just mine or if they are from the Lord … because that dark-night-fog-brain seems to make it really hard for me to discern what is what. I've had thoughts of speaking in front of large crowds… something I am NOT a fan of… I've also had thoughts of leaving our small group and starting a seeker-study in our neighborhood…. I've also had thoughts of gathering a group of young women to teach… but I am not sure if that is me longing to FEEL fulfilled again - or if it is from the Lord. I really don't want to walk ahead of Him again. I also really want a mentor - but don't know who I am supposed to pursue - or if they are supposed to pursue me … so I end up just waiting, throwing up sporadic prayers, and wondering.

The visions, dreams, and prophecies are more clear but still leave me wondering too. The few that come to mind right now are … a dream I had before this dark night began... of me in a geisha-like costume rescuing children from a brothel. Everyone was afraid to stop me … and the next day God gave me a verse from Isaiah about being filled with the Holy Spirit and setting captives free. I think … that one is about intercession but I'm not sure. Another is a friends prayer vision about the phonograph and phonogram sitting by the shoreline of the ocean. The first has played its story while the latter is waiting to be written on - recorded… the ocean is the voice of God. Another set of visions have to do with hunger and the Wedding Supper of the Lamb … me sitting there confused at first having been brought there seeking intimacy but not understanding how or what to do to get it. But later radiant and expectant with a bowl of water and a sword in front of me. Then there was the passage in Isaiah 41 about God transforming the landscape from barren to overflowing … and He said the word 'terraforming' to me. These are all clues that make some sense, but feel like just pieces of some great big puzzle that I cannot grasp.

So all this wondering led me into this great sermon on Song of Solomon all about the Bride's purpose. It truly was the first time in a while that I felt like I could really hear something-ANYTHING speaking to me. It was all about the Bride loving the Bridegroom. It was all about how the BRIDE is the PRIZE of the Bridegroom… I know right - that is insane!! His prize - is us loving HIM wholeheartedly. That is what He MOST desires from us. Not just obedience… not just sharing the gospel… not just our acceptance of salvation … all of those are good - BUT all of them FLOW out of a wholehearted love for Jesus. Just as much as He is our prize … WE - the church - the Bride -- our HIS PRIZE!! It is that whole heart, soul, mind love -- that give it everything you are - whole guts - crazy for Jesus love - that He is after!!

I want my heart to explode with this love once again. I have had a taste of it … but man, how I want my heart to turn totally into that attention-focused-only-on-Jesus love. Wouldn't that be amazing??? I was thinking about that today in fact. I have this interior image of myself … my 'heart eyes' used to be turned totally inward and were focused on me - and what I thought - and what I wanted - what sin I wanted purged - how God needed to fix me next. And now I know where my 'heart eyes' need to be fixed … and its not just a matter of changing focus - or switching my thoughts … its an internal God change that happens - where He fixes your 'heart eyes' on Jesus - and causes you to truly SEE Him as He is - High and lifted up. BUT my 'heart eyes' are facing no where right now … they aren't focused in anymore - but they aren't focused on Jesus yet either … they are just off in the distance looking for Him to come and flip that switch which will fix my longing gaze on Jesus… and then how could I not be in love? Then I will be so in love.