today

I'm pretty sure everything I wrote yesterday … stayed IN yesterday.

Today I just feel like crap. I want to feel something other than numb or depressed. I want to feel joy. I want to feel fulfilled. I want to smile again and mean it deep down. I want to hear Jesus' voice in my ears. I want to feel His presence burning in my chest. I want to do something - anything that feels awesome. Homeschooling and house keeping feels like a whole lot of crap to me… and I don't want it anymore.

Can I run away from home … away from myself?

Everything is lifeless. My 17th wedding anniversary is tomorrow… eh. Sex this morning was awful. Not because my husband is lacking anything - but because I am barely present.

I can not conjure up anything resembling real guts, heart or feeling. Because if I could I wouldn't be writing any of this!!

Why why why why why!???!!

I can't answer that entirely …  I just know I hate it. Today I hate it all.