confusion

Yesterday was a fine example of how perfectly fine circumstances just do not seem to matter in regards to joy and happiness.

I had breakfast with a dear woman who loves Jesus … we are getting to know one another. THEN I got a massage … which was paid for by the same dear woman as a gift for me. All of this without my kids - who were at VBS. It was a nice slow morning … nothing pressing on me.

BUT somehow I managed to come back home - all stirred up. My insides started warring again almost as if the massage stirred up all kinds of craziness in me. My conversation with the lovely woman was ringing in my ears… and it went as most conversations about Jesus go lately. Me trying and failing to communicate how this dark night of the soul feels and what it means. It's exhausting because usually no one has even heard of it let alone experienced it. And trying to explain it never really touches the reality of it… of what it's like to lose any feelings of intimacy with Jesus. It's dark and lonely. It has felt like pure torture at times. But the worst part is trying to explain what seems so unexplainable to others.

So I got home and dove into some TV. That just wasn't gonna cut it though. Then I put some music on to try and pray through it and ended up falling asleep. I truly think I needed that actually. Then as soon as I woke up I dove into my St John of the Cross - Dark Night of the Soul … one more time to try and pry out of it some helpful things to share with people. And if I am being honest, to try and help myself understand it too. Sometimes on this dark journey you get turned around and confused and begin to wonder what the heck is happening all over again. I was definitely wondering if I truly was in the dark night or if I was just stumbling around in depression.

I felt confirmed that the dark night and not just a plain-old depression is indeed where I am. I read a bunch of blogs too … most of which just think a storm or trial or depression is a dark night … it isn't. Not at all. Certainly depression does accompany it at different points … but what it boils down to … is that the dark night is a huge turning point in the faith journey.

Here is a helpful description of how it feels directly from St John of the Cross:
The darkness which the soul here describes relates, as we have said, to the desires and faculties, sensual, interior and spiritual, for all these are darkened in this night as to their natural light, so that, being purged in this respect, they may be illumined with respect to the supernatural. For the spiritual and the sensual desires are put to sleep and mortified, so that they can experience nothing, either Divine or human; the affections of the soul are oppressed and constrained, so that they can neither move nor find support in anything; the imagination is bound and can make no useful reflection; the memory is gone; the understanding is in darkness, unable to understand anything; and hence the will likewise is arid and constrained and all the faculties are void and useless; and in addition to all this a thick and heavy cloud is upon the soul, keeping it in affliction, and, as it were, far away from God. It is in this kind of ‘darkness’ that the soul says here it travelled ’securely.’

Now what is the point of it? The dark night purges the soul of sin, and stored junk, and general human crappy-ness. It is the Holy Spirit working directly on your spirit. Doing the work off purging - preparing the soul for a new understanding of our union with Christ. After all you need to get rid of crap - to make room for something new … we only have so much capacity as finite humans. The Father is drawing us toward a deeper understanding of our union with Christ … is drawing us into deeper intimacy…. a deeper love of Jesus. It is revelation that comes in a totally different way … and generally is not enjoyable. The contemplatives seem to have welcomed it because it got them more of Jesus in the end. Welcoming it though, seems like a hard place to get to here in America, where comfort and ease are our biggest idols.

Well, then as I read a bunch of blogs - I read about Mother Teresa … her dark night lasted most of her adult life! (The link to that blog post is in my previous post) And then I read another blogger who just got it - dead on … here is her link if you'd like another perspective.

http://theupsidedownworld.com/2013/09/23/how-the-dark-night-of-the-soul-is-like-a-juice-cleanse

So last night I read the Mother Teresa post to my husband and when I was done - I was encouraged and he was angry. Not at me - but at God. He said at least before the dark night began for her - she knew her purpose - what she was meant to do. You don't. That's why I am mad at God. He said that he misses how I used to be - all excited to be involved in ministry … how many would come to me in need and how happy I was to help them. I knew what I was meant to do in that context and here in our new one, it feels as if I am in this holding pattern - just not knowing where to turn, or what to do, or how to spend my time, or where I am called. And I agree with him - It has been super frustrating.

Some days it would be nice to just turn this all off and return to work - business as usual. I long for the days when feeling Jesus and hearing from Him were easy. I long for the days when my calendar was full of women to help, studies to lead, and prayers to pray. Now none of that is true and I feel like a waste of space. And my husband would say God is mis-appropriating a resource.

But God doesn't make mistakes. He has a plan…
and though I can't say I am always a fan of how this plan plays out … I want to get to the other end.

To be continued ...