I had one good day this last week and then got attacked by the flu. BUT that one good day - was really good. I spent a quiet morning writing and reading, reflecting and listening to the next installment of the Mike Bickle series on Song Of Solomon. It was called 'The Bride's Identity and Life Purpose (SOS 2:1-7).' This seemed pretty crazy since I was just talking with my husband the night before about my life's purpose and having no idea how I am meant to spend my time and feeling fulfilled in very little that I do (that could totally just be the dark-night-fog-brain). In fact though, I feel like God has intentionally kept me out of, and away from, a lot of different things… intentionally keeping me quiet - at least on the outside. But, the question still lingers … what AM I supposed to be doing … right now and in the future?… is there something new? Do I even need to wonder about it?
And yet I can't seem to stop wondering about it. I think that is in part due to some visions, dreams, and words of prophecy that I have received either directly or from friends. And some thoughts that I have been having lately that I am not sure are just mine or if they are from the Lord … because that dark-night-fog-brain seems to make it really hard for me to discern what is what. I've had thoughts of speaking in front of large crowds… something I am NOT a fan of… I've also had thoughts of leaving our small group and starting a seeker-study in our neighborhood…. I've also had thoughts of gathering a group of young women to teach… but I am not sure if that is me longing to FEEL fulfilled again - or if it is from the Lord. I really don't want to walk ahead of Him again. I also really want a mentor - but don't know who I am supposed to pursue - or if they are supposed to pursue me … so I end up just waiting, throwing up sporadic prayers, and wondering.
The visions, dreams, and prophecies are more clear but still leave me wondering too. The few that come to mind right now are … a dream I had before this dark night began... of me in a geisha-like costume rescuing children from a brothel. Everyone was afraid to stop me … and the next day God gave me a verse from Isaiah about being filled with the Holy Spirit and setting captives free. I think … that one is about intercession but I'm not sure. Another is a friends prayer vision about the phonograph and phonogram sitting by the shoreline of the ocean. The first has played its story while the latter is waiting to be written on - recorded… the ocean is the voice of God. Another set of visions have to do with hunger and the Wedding Supper of the Lamb … me sitting there confused at first having been brought there seeking intimacy but not understanding how or what to do to get it. But later radiant and expectant with a bowl of water and a sword in front of me. Then there was the passage in Isaiah 41 about God transforming the landscape from barren to overflowing … and He said the word 'terraforming' to me. These are all clues that make some sense, but feel like just pieces of some great big puzzle that I cannot grasp.
So all this wondering led me into this great sermon on Song of Solomon all about the Bride's purpose. It truly was the first time in a while that I felt like I could really hear something-ANYTHING speaking to me. It was all about the Bride loving the Bridegroom. It was all about how the BRIDE is the PRIZE of the Bridegroom… I know right - that is insane!! His prize - is us loving HIM wholeheartedly. That is what He MOST desires from us. Not just obedience… not just sharing the gospel… not just our acceptance of salvation … all of those are good - BUT all of them FLOW out of a wholehearted love for Jesus. Just as much as He is our prize … WE - the church - the Bride -- our HIS PRIZE!! It is that whole heart, soul, mind love -- that give it everything you are - whole guts - crazy for Jesus love - that He is after!!
I want my heart to explode with this love once again. I have had a taste of it … but man, how I want my heart to turn totally into that attention-focused-only-on-Jesus love. Wouldn't that be amazing??? I was thinking about that today in fact. I have this interior image of myself … my 'heart eyes' used to be turned totally inward and were focused on me - and what I thought - and what I wanted - what sin I wanted purged - how God needed to fix me next. And now I know where my 'heart eyes' need to be fixed … and its not just a matter of changing focus - or switching my thoughts … its an internal God change that happens - where He fixes your 'heart eyes' on Jesus - and causes you to truly SEE Him as He is - High and lifted up. BUT my 'heart eyes' are facing no where right now … they aren't focused in anymore - but they aren't focused on Jesus yet either … they are just off in the distance looking for Him to come and flip that switch which will fix my longing gaze on Jesus… and then how could I not be in love? Then I will be so in love.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
confusion
Yesterday was a fine example of how perfectly fine circumstances just do not seem to matter in regards to joy and happiness.
I had breakfast with a dear woman who loves Jesus … we are getting to know one another. THEN I got a massage … which was paid for by the same dear woman as a gift for me. All of this without my kids - who were at VBS. It was a nice slow morning … nothing pressing on me.
BUT somehow I managed to come back home - all stirred up. My insides started warring again almost as if the massage stirred up all kinds of craziness in me. My conversation with the lovely woman was ringing in my ears… and it went as most conversations about Jesus go lately. Me trying and failing to communicate how this dark night of the soul feels and what it means. It's exhausting because usually no one has even heard of it let alone experienced it. And trying to explain it never really touches the reality of it… of what it's like to lose any feelings of intimacy with Jesus. It's dark and lonely. It has felt like pure torture at times. But the worst part is trying to explain what seems so unexplainable to others.
So I got home and dove into some TV. That just wasn't gonna cut it though. Then I put some music on to try and pray through it and ended up falling asleep. I truly think I needed that actually. Then as soon as I woke up I dove into my St John of the Cross - Dark Night of the Soul … one more time to try and pry out of it some helpful things to share with people. And if I am being honest, to try and help myself understand it too. Sometimes on this dark journey you get turned around and confused and begin to wonder what the heck is happening all over again. I was definitely wondering if I truly was in the dark night or if I was just stumbling around in depression.
I felt confirmed that the dark night and not just a plain-old depression is indeed where I am. I read a bunch of blogs too … most of which just think a storm or trial or depression is a dark night … it isn't. Not at all. Certainly depression does accompany it at different points … but what it boils down to … is that the dark night is a huge turning point in the faith journey.
Here is a helpful description of how it feels directly from St John of the Cross:
The darkness which the soul here describes relates, as we have said, to the desires and faculties, sensual, interior and spiritual, for all these are darkened in this night as to their natural light, so that, being purged in this respect, they may be illumined with respect to the supernatural. For the spiritual and the sensual desires are put to sleep and mortified, so that they can experience nothing, either Divine or human; the affections of the soul are oppressed and constrained, so that they can neither move nor find support in anything; the imagination is bound and can make no useful reflection; the memory is gone; the understanding is in darkness, unable to understand anything; and hence the will likewise is arid and constrained and all the faculties are void and useless; and in addition to all this a thick and heavy cloud is upon the soul, keeping it in affliction, and, as it were, far away from God. It is in this kind of ‘darkness’ that the soul says here it travelled ’securely.’
Now what is the point of it? The dark night purges the soul of sin, and stored junk, and general human crappy-ness. It is the Holy Spirit working directly on your spirit. Doing the work off purging - preparing the soul for a new understanding of our union with Christ. After all you need to get rid of crap - to make room for something new … we only have so much capacity as finite humans. The Father is drawing us toward a deeper understanding of our union with Christ … is drawing us into deeper intimacy…. a deeper love of Jesus. It is revelation that comes in a totally different way … and generally is not enjoyable. The contemplatives seem to have welcomed it because it got them more of Jesus in the end. Welcoming it though, seems like a hard place to get to here in America, where comfort and ease are our biggest idols.
Well, then as I read a bunch of blogs - I read about Mother Teresa … her dark night lasted most of her adult life! (The link to that blog post is in my previous post) And then I read another blogger who just got it - dead on … here is her link if you'd like another perspective.
http://theupsidedownworld.com/2013/09/23/how-the-dark-night-of-the-soul-is-like-a-juice-cleanse
So last night I read the Mother Teresa post to my husband and when I was done - I was encouraged and he was angry. Not at me - but at God. He said at least before the dark night began for her - she knew her purpose - what she was meant to do. You don't. That's why I am mad at God. He said that he misses how I used to be - all excited to be involved in ministry … how many would come to me in need and how happy I was to help them. I knew what I was meant to do in that context and here in our new one, it feels as if I am in this holding pattern - just not knowing where to turn, or what to do, or how to spend my time, or where I am called. And I agree with him - It has been super frustrating.
Some days it would be nice to just turn this all off and return to work - business as usual. I long for the days when feeling Jesus and hearing from Him were easy. I long for the days when my calendar was full of women to help, studies to lead, and prayers to pray. Now none of that is true and I feel like a waste of space. And my husband would say God is mis-appropriating a resource.
But God doesn't make mistakes. He has a plan…
and though I can't say I am always a fan of how this plan plays out … I want to get to the other end.
To be continued ...
I had breakfast with a dear woman who loves Jesus … we are getting to know one another. THEN I got a massage … which was paid for by the same dear woman as a gift for me. All of this without my kids - who were at VBS. It was a nice slow morning … nothing pressing on me.
BUT somehow I managed to come back home - all stirred up. My insides started warring again almost as if the massage stirred up all kinds of craziness in me. My conversation with the lovely woman was ringing in my ears… and it went as most conversations about Jesus go lately. Me trying and failing to communicate how this dark night of the soul feels and what it means. It's exhausting because usually no one has even heard of it let alone experienced it. And trying to explain it never really touches the reality of it… of what it's like to lose any feelings of intimacy with Jesus. It's dark and lonely. It has felt like pure torture at times. But the worst part is trying to explain what seems so unexplainable to others.
So I got home and dove into some TV. That just wasn't gonna cut it though. Then I put some music on to try and pray through it and ended up falling asleep. I truly think I needed that actually. Then as soon as I woke up I dove into my St John of the Cross - Dark Night of the Soul … one more time to try and pry out of it some helpful things to share with people. And if I am being honest, to try and help myself understand it too. Sometimes on this dark journey you get turned around and confused and begin to wonder what the heck is happening all over again. I was definitely wondering if I truly was in the dark night or if I was just stumbling around in depression.
I felt confirmed that the dark night and not just a plain-old depression is indeed where I am. I read a bunch of blogs too … most of which just think a storm or trial or depression is a dark night … it isn't. Not at all. Certainly depression does accompany it at different points … but what it boils down to … is that the dark night is a huge turning point in the faith journey.
Here is a helpful description of how it feels directly from St John of the Cross:
The darkness which the soul here describes relates, as we have said, to the desires and faculties, sensual, interior and spiritual, for all these are darkened in this night as to their natural light, so that, being purged in this respect, they may be illumined with respect to the supernatural. For the spiritual and the sensual desires are put to sleep and mortified, so that they can experience nothing, either Divine or human; the affections of the soul are oppressed and constrained, so that they can neither move nor find support in anything; the imagination is bound and can make no useful reflection; the memory is gone; the understanding is in darkness, unable to understand anything; and hence the will likewise is arid and constrained and all the faculties are void and useless; and in addition to all this a thick and heavy cloud is upon the soul, keeping it in affliction, and, as it were, far away from God. It is in this kind of ‘darkness’ that the soul says here it travelled ’securely.’
Now what is the point of it? The dark night purges the soul of sin, and stored junk, and general human crappy-ness. It is the Holy Spirit working directly on your spirit. Doing the work off purging - preparing the soul for a new understanding of our union with Christ. After all you need to get rid of crap - to make room for something new … we only have so much capacity as finite humans. The Father is drawing us toward a deeper understanding of our union with Christ … is drawing us into deeper intimacy…. a deeper love of Jesus. It is revelation that comes in a totally different way … and generally is not enjoyable. The contemplatives seem to have welcomed it because it got them more of Jesus in the end. Welcoming it though, seems like a hard place to get to here in America, where comfort and ease are our biggest idols.
Well, then as I read a bunch of blogs - I read about Mother Teresa … her dark night lasted most of her adult life! (The link to that blog post is in my previous post) And then I read another blogger who just got it - dead on … here is her link if you'd like another perspective.
http://theupsidedownworld.com/2013/09/23/how-the-dark-night-of-the-soul-is-like-a-juice-cleanse
So last night I read the Mother Teresa post to my husband and when I was done - I was encouraged and he was angry. Not at me - but at God. He said at least before the dark night began for her - she knew her purpose - what she was meant to do. You don't. That's why I am mad at God. He said that he misses how I used to be - all excited to be involved in ministry … how many would come to me in need and how happy I was to help them. I knew what I was meant to do in that context and here in our new one, it feels as if I am in this holding pattern - just not knowing where to turn, or what to do, or how to spend my time, or where I am called. And I agree with him - It has been super frustrating.
Some days it would be nice to just turn this all off and return to work - business as usual. I long for the days when feeling Jesus and hearing from Him were easy. I long for the days when my calendar was full of women to help, studies to lead, and prayers to pray. Now none of that is true and I feel like a waste of space. And my husband would say God is mis-appropriating a resource.
But God doesn't make mistakes. He has a plan…
and though I can't say I am always a fan of how this plan plays out … I want to get to the other end.
To be continued ...
Monday, June 15, 2015
Mother Teresa's dark night
This blog post on Mother Teresa's dark night of the soul was amazing.
https://gratefultothedead.wordpress.com/2011/08/24/mother-teresas-long-dark-night/#comments
She suffered for most of her ministry in India without feeling any intimacy with God. I'm pretty sure she is my new hero. Though truly I do not want that to be my story … I am thrilled to know that God did give her an abiding joy and an acceptance of her suffering. I can't wait to read her whole book.
Here is a quote from the blog:
Nothing expresses the intensity of this loss better than Mother Teresa’s own words: “Now Father—since 49 or 50 this terrible sense of loss—this untold darkness—this loneliness—this continual longing for God—which gives me that pain deep down in my heart.—Darkness is such that I really do not see—neither with my mind nor with my reason.—The place of God in my soul is blank.—There is no God in me.—When the pain of longing is so great—I just long & long for God—and then it is that I feel—He does not want me—He is not there.—Heaven—souls—why these are just words—which mean nothing to me.—My very life seems so contradictory. I help souls—to go where?—Why all this? Where is the soul in my very being? God does not want me.—Sometimes—I just hear my own heart cry out—“My God” and nothing else comes.—The torture and pain I can’t explain.”
https://gratefultothedead.wordpress.com/2011/08/24/mother-teresas-long-dark-night/#comments
She suffered for most of her ministry in India without feeling any intimacy with God. I'm pretty sure she is my new hero. Though truly I do not want that to be my story … I am thrilled to know that God did give her an abiding joy and an acceptance of her suffering. I can't wait to read her whole book.
Here is a quote from the blog:
Nothing expresses the intensity of this loss better than Mother Teresa’s own words: “Now Father—since 49 or 50 this terrible sense of loss—this untold darkness—this loneliness—this continual longing for God—which gives me that pain deep down in my heart.—Darkness is such that I really do not see—neither with my mind nor with my reason.—The place of God in my soul is blank.—There is no God in me.—When the pain of longing is so great—I just long & long for God—and then it is that I feel—He does not want me—He is not there.—Heaven—souls—why these are just words—which mean nothing to me.—My very life seems so contradictory. I help souls—to go where?—Why all this? Where is the soul in my very being? God does not want me.—Sometimes—I just hear my own heart cry out—“My God” and nothing else comes.—The torture and pain I can’t explain.”
Monday, June 8, 2015
meaningless
Truly my life feels meaningless. Not because I want to throw my life away and commit suicide or anything like that … its really not even about feeling worthless … it's that not being intimately connected to Jesus has made everything just feel pointless. I have no drive, no desire to get anything done … and this ranges from the unimportant to the important. House cleaning, cooking, decorating my fairly new house, shopping, eating, daily activities… then all the way to husband, sex, kids, home- schooling, counseling, study, reading … and the list goes on and on.
Without Jesus it all feels meaningless. Again, let me state … I KNOW He is always with me, I know He is at work in me, I know He has a plan, I know He is intimate with me … even though I can NOT sense Him.
But I am talking about what I am experiencing. And my experience quite frankly sucks. It is devoid of life. It is missing what matters. I am missing Jesus.
He informs everything…. or at least He should. Being intimate with Him makes all of life matter. Can I still do the dishes to His honor and glory even now … yup I can … but it doesn't feel like I am. Can I still show love and kindness to my family … yup I can - tho I feel like I am forcing it because I don't want to hurt anyone …
I don't feel truly alive. I can not smile deep down. I can't enjoy my kids. I can barely participate in sex. Everything feels stripped down and sucked dry. There is no zest, no spark. Everything feels empty without knowing God's thoughts, without hearing scripture echo in my mind, without a stirring of the Spirit inside, without sensing prayer needs. It's like my mind is stuck in-between 2 pages of a story and all I can see is white.
That word meaningless made me turn to read Ecclesiastes … again nothing truly stirred but I saw a reflection of how I feel:
Ecc 2:24 There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God, 25 for apart from him who can eat or who can have enjoyment? 26 For to the one who pleases him, God has given wisdom and knowledge and joy, but to the sinner he has given the business of gathering and collecting, only to give to one who pleases God. This also is vanity and a striving after wind.
and a quote in a Piper sermonette:
Unless God gives me God ... Unless God shows me himself ... Then I am going to be unhappy for all of eternity. - Piper
Yup, that's how I feel.
Without Jesus it all feels meaningless. Again, let me state … I KNOW He is always with me, I know He is at work in me, I know He has a plan, I know He is intimate with me … even though I can NOT sense Him.
But I am talking about what I am experiencing. And my experience quite frankly sucks. It is devoid of life. It is missing what matters. I am missing Jesus.
He informs everything…. or at least He should. Being intimate with Him makes all of life matter. Can I still do the dishes to His honor and glory even now … yup I can … but it doesn't feel like I am. Can I still show love and kindness to my family … yup I can - tho I feel like I am forcing it because I don't want to hurt anyone …
I don't feel truly alive. I can not smile deep down. I can't enjoy my kids. I can barely participate in sex. Everything feels stripped down and sucked dry. There is no zest, no spark. Everything feels empty without knowing God's thoughts, without hearing scripture echo in my mind, without a stirring of the Spirit inside, without sensing prayer needs. It's like my mind is stuck in-between 2 pages of a story and all I can see is white.
That word meaningless made me turn to read Ecclesiastes … again nothing truly stirred but I saw a reflection of how I feel:
Ecc 2:24 There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God, 25 for apart from him who can eat or who can have enjoyment? 26 For to the one who pleases him, God has given wisdom and knowledge and joy, but to the sinner he has given the business of gathering and collecting, only to give to one who pleases God. This also is vanity and a striving after wind.
and a quote in a Piper sermonette:
Unless God gives me God ... Unless God shows me himself ... Then I am going to be unhappy for all of eternity. - Piper
Yup, that's how I feel.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
miss YOU
I just miss You.
My heart aches for you every morning when I wake up
I ask 'will this be the day?'
I cry out your name 'Jesus' as I open my eyes
That is all I have left to pray.
All day long I move without purpose.
I don't know what I am supposed to do
I look and seek
I find that nothing satisfies.
I want to love but feel too lifeless to give
I want to rejoice but feel too sad
I want to cry but tears do not come
I want to sing but my voice breaks.
By evening I am exhausted and spent
I fall onto my bed having wasted the day
I hurt from not hearing
I hurt from not being near.
I just miss You.
But all I feel is
wait
wait
wait.
My heart aches for you every morning when I wake up
I ask 'will this be the day?'
I cry out your name 'Jesus' as I open my eyes
That is all I have left to pray.
All day long I move without purpose.
I don't know what I am supposed to do
I look and seek
I find that nothing satisfies.
I want to love but feel too lifeless to give
I want to rejoice but feel too sad
I want to cry but tears do not come
I want to sing but my voice breaks.
By evening I am exhausted and spent
I fall onto my bed having wasted the day
I hurt from not hearing
I hurt from not being near.
I just miss You.
But all I feel is
wait
wait
wait.
Friday, June 5, 2015
today
I'm pretty sure everything I wrote yesterday … stayed IN yesterday.
Today I just feel like crap. I want to feel something other than numb or depressed. I want to feel joy. I want to feel fulfilled. I want to smile again and mean it deep down. I want to hear Jesus' voice in my ears. I want to feel His presence burning in my chest. I want to do something - anything that feels awesome. Homeschooling and house keeping feels like a whole lot of crap to me… and I don't want it anymore.
Can I run away from home … away from myself?
Everything is lifeless. My 17th wedding anniversary is tomorrow… eh. Sex this morning was awful. Not because my husband is lacking anything - but because I am barely present.
I can not conjure up anything resembling real guts, heart or feeling. Because if I could I wouldn't be writing any of this!!
Why why why why why!???!!
I can't answer that entirely … I just know I hate it. Today I hate it all.
Today I just feel like crap. I want to feel something other than numb or depressed. I want to feel joy. I want to feel fulfilled. I want to smile again and mean it deep down. I want to hear Jesus' voice in my ears. I want to feel His presence burning in my chest. I want to do something - anything that feels awesome. Homeschooling and house keeping feels like a whole lot of crap to me… and I don't want it anymore.
Can I run away from home … away from myself?
Everything is lifeless. My 17th wedding anniversary is tomorrow… eh. Sex this morning was awful. Not because my husband is lacking anything - but because I am barely present.
I can not conjure up anything resembling real guts, heart or feeling. Because if I could I wouldn't be writing any of this!!
Why why why why why!???!!
I can't answer that entirely … I just know I hate it. Today I hate it all.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
really weird invitation
This past month has been busy! We've had so much company at our house. We traveled quite a bit. Our niece graduated from High School, our daughter got baptized. I went away on a retreat. I am exhausted.
Busy doesn't tend to suit me. I can manage in the middle of it, but I hate not having a chance to reflect and be quiet.
In all the flurry, all I want to do is sit quietly and read, but I rarely get a chance for that as my mind rushes to the next thing. So this past weekend at a retreat I got a few minutes at least to reflect and worship with other women. Not exactly quiet - but FUN and refreshing in another way.
We watched the sunrise, and sunset together, and walked on the beach, and just hung out and had great conversations. As we did all of this I actually felt the presence of God. I haven't felt His presence in months…. MONTHS! It was so amazing to feel near again even if just for the weekend. A friend of mine put it very well … for the last 2 years any moments I have had with the Lord have been like a vapor. Here for a moment - gone in the next.
I shared some of my struggle with the ladies there … and many wanted to pray over me after our meeting. I sat in a chair with their hands on me as they asked the Lord to lead me and fill me with His mind and spirit while I journeyed in all of this silence. It's funny though most people felt more badly for me than I feel right now. Numbness still prevails, but I also know He is at work and that it is a work of healing … Oh and of course!! that I need to wait!! It's new but, I have been rather content to wait in the more recent days. I am not saying its fun … but at least now I know what it is. My prayer … truly the only thing that came to my mind in the midst of their prayers was just this:
That the eyes of my heart would focus themselves totally on Jesus and away from myself … and that I would receive the mind of Christ in union with Him … and that while I wait … That I will remain patient.
That's truly what I want now. I just want intimacy. I want my eyes to turn away from myself, and my thoughts, and my ideas, and my internal mess and all my sin. I want to focus in on Jesus and really fix my gaze on Him … and not have it be this continual act of reminding myself -- like an outward push to look … but have it be just where the eyes of my heart and mind turn naturally.
I think in the beginning I wanted to be near … not just because I was with Jesus … but because it feels good to be near. I missed him when He wasn't manifesting his presence … but I also missed the lift in my spirit that I received as a result. Now, I think!, I will take intimacy in any form that Jesus chooses for me. I think … maybe. I don't know if I really want to suffer through months of tears again any time soon … but who knows … if He was speaking to me through it - perhaps I would.
I want to know his heart and mind. I want to understand His thoughts. I want to pray His prayers. I want to understand our union. I want to be with Jesus. Its probably not too different than when the silence began … except I feel more at peace with whatever God brings to me. Waiting seems tolerable now. Trusting His heart toward me feels easier. Knowing that His will is better than mine is easier to grasp. There is less wrestle and struggle inside. Less doubts that need to be combated. There is less anger at God for the conditions and circumstances that he has me in. Pruning feels like a good thing. Silence feels like it is no longer an indictment of sin and more like a really weird, hard to understand, invitation into something totally new and different.
And that seems good to me.
Busy doesn't tend to suit me. I can manage in the middle of it, but I hate not having a chance to reflect and be quiet.
In all the flurry, all I want to do is sit quietly and read, but I rarely get a chance for that as my mind rushes to the next thing. So this past weekend at a retreat I got a few minutes at least to reflect and worship with other women. Not exactly quiet - but FUN and refreshing in another way.
We watched the sunrise, and sunset together, and walked on the beach, and just hung out and had great conversations. As we did all of this I actually felt the presence of God. I haven't felt His presence in months…. MONTHS! It was so amazing to feel near again even if just for the weekend. A friend of mine put it very well … for the last 2 years any moments I have had with the Lord have been like a vapor. Here for a moment - gone in the next.
I shared some of my struggle with the ladies there … and many wanted to pray over me after our meeting. I sat in a chair with their hands on me as they asked the Lord to lead me and fill me with His mind and spirit while I journeyed in all of this silence. It's funny though most people felt more badly for me than I feel right now. Numbness still prevails, but I also know He is at work and that it is a work of healing … Oh and of course!! that I need to wait!! It's new but, I have been rather content to wait in the more recent days. I am not saying its fun … but at least now I know what it is. My prayer … truly the only thing that came to my mind in the midst of their prayers was just this:
That the eyes of my heart would focus themselves totally on Jesus and away from myself … and that I would receive the mind of Christ in union with Him … and that while I wait … That I will remain patient.
That's truly what I want now. I just want intimacy. I want my eyes to turn away from myself, and my thoughts, and my ideas, and my internal mess and all my sin. I want to focus in on Jesus and really fix my gaze on Him … and not have it be this continual act of reminding myself -- like an outward push to look … but have it be just where the eyes of my heart and mind turn naturally.
I think in the beginning I wanted to be near … not just because I was with Jesus … but because it feels good to be near. I missed him when He wasn't manifesting his presence … but I also missed the lift in my spirit that I received as a result. Now, I think!, I will take intimacy in any form that Jesus chooses for me. I think … maybe. I don't know if I really want to suffer through months of tears again any time soon … but who knows … if He was speaking to me through it - perhaps I would.
I want to know his heart and mind. I want to understand His thoughts. I want to pray His prayers. I want to understand our union. I want to be with Jesus. Its probably not too different than when the silence began … except I feel more at peace with whatever God brings to me. Waiting seems tolerable now. Trusting His heart toward me feels easier. Knowing that His will is better than mine is easier to grasp. There is less wrestle and struggle inside. Less doubts that need to be combated. There is less anger at God for the conditions and circumstances that he has me in. Pruning feels like a good thing. Silence feels like it is no longer an indictment of sin and more like a really weird, hard to understand, invitation into something totally new and different.
And that seems good to me.
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