The Dark Night

The Wall … or The Dark Night of the Soul … is supposed to be hard. It's supposed to be confusing, and long, difficult, gut-wrenching, soul ripping, dark, mysterious work.

It is the stripping of the old ways. The former nature that we cling to. The old kingdom. It is self being dealt with… but not in the usual ways … the ways that we have been used to.

The usual ways of dealing with sin consists of, a revealing of some kind. Scripture speaks to us and we are convicted. A friend says something and we are convicted. A pastor speaks from the pulpit and we are convicted. We struggle against it sometimes, and other times it's easy to see. We confess our sin. In a group, with a friend, or on our own. It is done and forgiven. We pray for the Spirit to inhabit that old place. We pray for new understanding and belief. We practice the new ways. It's a process, and it is often hard. Sometimes the Lord allows it to be easy - but not usually. This is the usual way… a generalization for sure… but this is how it has been for me up until about 2 years ago.

Then suddenly I moved - physically - we moved homes, states, churches. But God moved me spiritually too. He had me all to Himself quite literally. I knew no one - not really anyway - who lived nearby. I felt alone except for my family. My husband was super busy finding his way in a new job and even I had a new job (homeschooling) -- which kept me isolated even more.

I thought it was a perfect time to become even more intimate with the Lord… except then He stopped speaking. And He plugged up my spiritual ears as well. Everything went quiet. I felt alone, abandoned, and buried under a mile of dirt.

I KNEW He was still there. I KNEW that He loved me. But all my experiences and feelings and daily life felt dull and spirit-less. I struggled against despair, and depression, anger, my idols … and felt helpless to solve any of the problems inside and out. I cried out to God daily - aching for His nearness - or really any response.

Now I know that this is all a part of the Dark Night. The stripping of my outward sense of the Lord. It FEELS like abandonment … BUT really it is the beginning of the deeper work… an internal work from The Spirit directly to my spirit.

As the darkness has continued it seems to have become even more stifling. This is true even though at times - rare moments - He has allowed me to hear Him directly, or through a friend. He had me look at the deepest hole I was hiding within myself … a deep hole of shame I didn't know was dictating much of how I lived my life. I cried more during those months I think than all my previous tears put together. It sucked. And even still I don't feel completely healed.

I guess I don't feel healed because there is more to come. Even a month ago I would have outwardly moaned at that thought. Now the Lord at least has given me a glimpse of what it is I am undergoing, and that seems to make the whole thing more bearable at least for now. As I read St. John of the Cross' book, 'The Dark Night of the Soul', I gather that it gets even worse … but that there are moments of peace interspersed to get refreshed from the Lord before you go into the darkness again. Though I don't relish the thought of going dark again … at least I now know a little of what the Lord is up to during the mysterious inner work. He is purging sin. He is cleansing out to the deepest roots. He is making more room for the deepest connection - a true depth of revelation about our union with Christ.

Oh to be fully known and to know … to be free of self and be able to worship with total abandon! To be so intimate with Jesus to be encapsulated with Him. To be ushered into fellowship with the Trinity!
I know these things are already true of all believers … but to comprehend it is another thing entirely! To have it revealed to the core of my soul and feel it - to be able to truly express my love and joy in the Lord back to Jesus from the very depths of my new self. Truly, I can't wait.