bright moments

Since my last post I have gotten to do a couple of really cool things and I even heard a word from the Lord.  None of these things seems to have fixed me … but they have been a part of a slow crawl out of this pit I have been in. I'm depressed… I think that's a pretty undeniable fact at this point. The numbness I feel in my spirit cannot speak any other truth.

The first cool thing I got to do was go to a Daring Creativity conference for a Saturday. I had no idea what to expect from it … I didn't even really know what it was, except that it was for soul care. I got there, paid, and then they asked us to pick 3 pictures out of massive piles covering 3 huge tables. They asked us not to think about it too much but just choose what speaks to you whether good or bad. There were all kinds to choose from: places, faces, words, images, women, children, naked people, plants, and on and on. They were taken from old books and magazines and just placed out on these tables all overlapping in crazy piles so you can look through them all.

I didn't really know what I was doing but chose an 40's looking dancing girl in a bright orange dress, a woman laying serenely on green grass in a beautiful red dress, and a beautiful grumpy women with flowers in her hair sitting by herself. I also snuck a few others … a black and white photo of lovely faced women from the early 1900's with a big hat on, and a black and white photo of a plain couch sitting by itself under some lackluster art.

Then we sat and listened to the leader share her story of how God revealed pieces of herself through making these collages. As she spoke I was certain that we had so much in common. Issues with food, self-worth, both counselors, artistic … and so many more things. As I listened I felt like she and I just understood one another.

Well then she set us loose to work on our collages … and really there is no rhyme or reason to it unless approach it with a thought in your mind already. The point is - your supposed to let it reveal your sub-conscious to you … so just do what calls out to you and prayerfully consider what goes where. I didn't know quite where to begin … but then just decided to grab a bunch more pictures and dive in - just putting things together that felt right. We had several hours to put things on our little boards and ate lunch and then after making them we had time to 'interview' our collages, and share a bit in a small group.

So I made 6 different collages. But for the reflection time I really only got to think through 2 of them … I chose the first 2 because they had the most gut reactions. Here is what the reflection sheet was like:

Interview your collage card. If the images could speak how would they respond to these questions?

Who are you?
When does this part of your personality/journey show up in your life?
How have you treated this part of yourself/journey? Do you welcome or reject it?
What does God want to say to this part of your experience today?

So I interviewed my first card that had 3 women on it … the women in red on the grass, the black and white woman from the 1900's and the grumpy woman sitting alone.

And my second card was the 40's dancing woman in the orange dress … I placed her on top of the black and white couch and at the last minute placed a big flower with a stem on it as well.

I was amazed - truly AMAZED at what God revealed through this process!! Not only was it so fun, and so energizing … but the things that God spoke were so encouraging! The Lord told me I was beautiful … and to be patient … that change is coming … that for the new woman to be birthed in me it must come out of this bleak and hard time … but there will be so much joy and fire and Holy Spirit to come! There is so much more but it is hard to put into words without the pictures!

I also had a really great conversation with the leader … she was super encouraging - and totally understood where I was in my journey. The Dark Night of the Soul. The Wall. She shared with me a book that I just bought and have yet to read, about the stages of our walk with the Lord and that just made me feel a lot less crazy and lost. I am sure I will write about that book soon.

The next thing I did was go visit a dear friend at her place in Alabama. This was just a great time to talk and talk and talk. My friend is a great listener, reflector, question-asker, and conversationalist. We had so many great conversations! And we got to decorate and shop and go out to eat! By the end of 5 days we were exhausted but it was so worth it! I think we truly encouraged one another and just got a nice break. And I just felt useful there. Perhaps its the break from the routine but I don't feel that useful here in my own life. So it was a nice change.

The third thing that happened was small but wonderful. I was at church this past Sunday and we were about to have communion. My husband was up on stage giving everyone the charge to be reflective, confess sin, and spend time before the Lord before partaking. As I sat there listening, I thought of a list of things I wanted to confess once I got the bread and wine in my hand. As soon as I went forward and then sat down … I wanted to start down my list. The Lord however, jumped in and would not let me! He instead said … I am with you … you are my favored one. I felt his presence in that moment. And then he gave me an idea I hadn't thought of … Mary the mother of Jesus was the first one to experience true union with Christ - because she got to have Jesus growing inside her body. They were one body during that time. I still don't know what that means or what I am supposed to gain from it but it's exciting that I get to find out.

So I still can't say that this depression has moved out yet … but at least there have been some bright moments in the midst of so much darkness. It encourages me even now to think back on it all.