the Giver

I think I've come to realize since my last post that when feelings are united to to the truth … THAT is the substance of faith.

To love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Everything is engaged - everything is united together. Your emotions and thoughts, your guts and your energy, are all fixed on God in total trust.

It sounds good. But all I can do is TRY to do this in my flesh and then watch my flesh fall short every time.

Then I think … But I have the Spirit … I should be able to do anything with the Spirit doing it in me!

There shouldn't be a BUT after that … at least that what it seems to me. With the Spirit we should be able to do all kinds of amazing things. Jesus even said we would do even more amazing things than he did (John 14).

BUT … I don't.

Instead, my daily experience is one of frustration and perpetual, redundant sin.

Yesterday was a bad day. The night before my husband reprimanded our oldest daughter and she ended up hiding out upstairs crying. Even though my husband was the one upset with her … she flooded out a bunch of stuff that I am doing wrong. This happened after a night out with my husband that left me feeling virtually crippled as we left Disney. My feet hurt so badly I was crying as I hobbled out. The kids were staying over with friends to give us the night off, so my husband was all excited for a romantic morning together. Except I could not perform. I obliged him but couldn't really participate. My heart just feels dead. So then my body feels lifeless too. Numb doesn't even begin to describe it. I ended up getting showered and dressed with a total feeling of worthlessness. The next day was Sunday - the night before was the thing with my daughter - and I woke up feeling wretched. I hate going to church like this … I can never lie about how I am feeling. The sermon was fine, but once again never answers my biggest question…. What are you supposed to do when you are doing all the 'right' things to be intimate with God - but He doesn't show up?
Our Pastor was talking about the Bereans … and how they were eager to study the Word with Paul and to ask questions and figure it all out … so our Pastor was encouraging us to be eager for the word. He talked about all the usual problems of just glancing at the Word and not studying and meditating on it. He even did a quick lesson on inductive study and Lectio Divina … both good tools. BUT what wasn't said was … WHO made the Bereans eager for the Word in the first place? That is a work of preparation by the Spirit. The Spirit led them there. The Spirit prepared the people. The Spirit made them eager.

So I am still stuck wondering how I can get unstuck. I have begged, pleaded, cried out, confessed and confessed again, studied, read books, read the Bible, prayed for myself, interceded for others, worked on being thankful, gone away by myself, talked with my husband, talked with my friends, asked for prayer … and all back again and again. I have even tried embracing the shame, and silence… letting it wash over me. And I have tried escape and doing the exact opposite of what I think are the right things. I rehearse the truth, I confess the truth, I have even counseled and encouraged others with the truth. I keep seeking, I keep asking, I keep knocking and there is no answer at that DAMN DOOR.

I laid in the sun today avoiding homeschooling … I did enough to get my kids started … and then went outside. It's the perfect Florida winter day. 72 sunny with a breeze. As I laid in the sun I just kept going over what I know. By the way this is after thinking of ways I could move away and become a hermit or join a silent convent or something like that. I was pretty serious too. But I laid in the sun saying to myself … the truth shall set you free…. Why don't I feel free then? What do I believe wrongly? I had already confessed my sin in the morning that I don't believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made … and I know my soul does not know it very well. I confessed it again. I know I already have the Spirit dwelling in me - I don't doubt my salvation - but if He is indeed here … why does He seem so bent on not answering me when I call. Where is the help that God promises? I don't feel helped. I feel lost in emotions I can't control. I speak the truth to myself and confess sin and yet nothing seems to change - why? If Jesus did indeed die on the cross for my sin … why do I feel so condemned by it? I know He died for my sin … I know there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ … yet it remains!! I know I am united with Christ in God - I have been made one with Him. I died when He died - I rose in resurrection power with Him …. so why does THAT truth not set me free??????

My feelings have to be united to the truth by the power of the Holy Spirit. He must do this work. I have to keep waiting in this awful space - I just don't get why. And I don't know how much longer I can hang on. How am I expected to live faithfully here?

I played the piano … I am learning again. I picked 'Joyful, Joyful' to tap out and practice chords with…
here are some of the words from the first line…

melt the clouds of sin and sadness
drive the dark of doubt away
Giver of immortal gladness
fill us with the light of day

He is the melter, the driver, the Giver, the filler…. And I …. I am still waiting.