the Giver

I think I've come to realize since my last post that when feelings are united to to the truth … THAT is the substance of faith.

To love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Everything is engaged - everything is united together. Your emotions and thoughts, your guts and your energy, are all fixed on God in total trust.

It sounds good. But all I can do is TRY to do this in my flesh and then watch my flesh fall short every time.

Then I think … But I have the Spirit … I should be able to do anything with the Spirit doing it in me!

There shouldn't be a BUT after that … at least that what it seems to me. With the Spirit we should be able to do all kinds of amazing things. Jesus even said we would do even more amazing things than he did (John 14).

BUT … I don't.

Instead, my daily experience is one of frustration and perpetual, redundant sin.

Yesterday was a bad day. The night before my husband reprimanded our oldest daughter and she ended up hiding out upstairs crying. Even though my husband was the one upset with her … she flooded out a bunch of stuff that I am doing wrong. This happened after a night out with my husband that left me feeling virtually crippled as we left Disney. My feet hurt so badly I was crying as I hobbled out. The kids were staying over with friends to give us the night off, so my husband was all excited for a romantic morning together. Except I could not perform. I obliged him but couldn't really participate. My heart just feels dead. So then my body feels lifeless too. Numb doesn't even begin to describe it. I ended up getting showered and dressed with a total feeling of worthlessness. The next day was Sunday - the night before was the thing with my daughter - and I woke up feeling wretched. I hate going to church like this … I can never lie about how I am feeling. The sermon was fine, but once again never answers my biggest question…. What are you supposed to do when you are doing all the 'right' things to be intimate with God - but He doesn't show up?
Our Pastor was talking about the Bereans … and how they were eager to study the Word with Paul and to ask questions and figure it all out … so our Pastor was encouraging us to be eager for the word. He talked about all the usual problems of just glancing at the Word and not studying and meditating on it. He even did a quick lesson on inductive study and Lectio Divina … both good tools. BUT what wasn't said was … WHO made the Bereans eager for the Word in the first place? That is a work of preparation by the Spirit. The Spirit led them there. The Spirit prepared the people. The Spirit made them eager.

So I am still stuck wondering how I can get unstuck. I have begged, pleaded, cried out, confessed and confessed again, studied, read books, read the Bible, prayed for myself, interceded for others, worked on being thankful, gone away by myself, talked with my husband, talked with my friends, asked for prayer … and all back again and again. I have even tried embracing the shame, and silence… letting it wash over me. And I have tried escape and doing the exact opposite of what I think are the right things. I rehearse the truth, I confess the truth, I have even counseled and encouraged others with the truth. I keep seeking, I keep asking, I keep knocking and there is no answer at that DAMN DOOR.

I laid in the sun today avoiding homeschooling … I did enough to get my kids started … and then went outside. It's the perfect Florida winter day. 72 sunny with a breeze. As I laid in the sun I just kept going over what I know. By the way this is after thinking of ways I could move away and become a hermit or join a silent convent or something like that. I was pretty serious too. But I laid in the sun saying to myself … the truth shall set you free…. Why don't I feel free then? What do I believe wrongly? I had already confessed my sin in the morning that I don't believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made … and I know my soul does not know it very well. I confessed it again. I know I already have the Spirit dwelling in me - I don't doubt my salvation - but if He is indeed here … why does He seem so bent on not answering me when I call. Where is the help that God promises? I don't feel helped. I feel lost in emotions I can't control. I speak the truth to myself and confess sin and yet nothing seems to change - why? If Jesus did indeed die on the cross for my sin … why do I feel so condemned by it? I know He died for my sin … I know there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ … yet it remains!! I know I am united with Christ in God - I have been made one with Him. I died when He died - I rose in resurrection power with Him …. so why does THAT truth not set me free??????

My feelings have to be united to the truth by the power of the Holy Spirit. He must do this work. I have to keep waiting in this awful space - I just don't get why. And I don't know how much longer I can hang on. How am I expected to live faithfully here?

I played the piano … I am learning again. I picked 'Joyful, Joyful' to tap out and practice chords with…
here are some of the words from the first line…

melt the clouds of sin and sadness
drive the dark of doubt away
Giver of immortal gladness
fill us with the light of day

He is the melter, the driver, the Giver, the filler…. And I …. I am still waiting.

feelings and truth

Yesterday at church I had a thought while our pastor was speaking on Acts 16 - where Paul and Silas are thrown in to jail in Philipi. Their feet are put into stocks after they have been beat up for awhile and their hands chained to a wall. They are sitting this way for hours and hours and what do they do with their limbs all aching into spasms? They sing hymns and pray to God aloud in their cell while everyone listens in.

My pastor is a great story teller so you learn, and grow while being entertained. The main question was how could they praise God while being in so much pain? … and they did all of that before God put the rescue plan into motion.

Then at some points he shares a FB post from his wife earlier in the weekend about her wanting to stop living the life they are living - It's all too much for me she said. In the post she wrote that her 'feelings were trumping her truths' that day.

Our Pastor took us through Philippians and showed us how Paul was able to live out the truth above his feelings … Jesus was just so much more important. What Jesus wanted in his life was just so much more important… so THAT trumped everything else … even horrible pain. To live is Christ to die is gain. It all seems so simple when Paul says it.

Our Pastor then began to speak of actually getting to know Jesus - not just call ourselves Christians - Yay - preach it! He talked about the spiritual disciplines leading us into intimacy with Christ. He took us to the verse that says the truth will set you free. All so we can learn the importance of having truth trump our feelings.

I don't disagree with anything he said.

BUT I think there is something even better. I leaned over to my husband during the service and said … It wasn't JUST that Paul let truth trump his feelings …. IT was that his feelings were UNITED to the truth. The 2 were in unison. This seemed like something from God as I was saying it.

I thought about this idea in relationship to my past 18 months of silence with God. I knew the truth. I never doubted that He loved me - or that He was working - or that He had a plan…. the truth was there. But the truth NEVER changed how I FELT about anything. I kept having to drag my feelings back to the truths to remind them again and again … THIS is what is true - feelings - get on board!

So what are we supposed to do with those things. Feelings are here for a reason - we need them to live a full life - to show love and devotion to God. I think of Piper and his slight change to the Westminster Catechism … what is the chief end of man? To glorify God BY enjoying Him forever. It is in knowing God and loving him with our whole heart that we bring Him glory. It is not beautiful obedience when its done out of duty … its a step in the right direction … but how much better when our heart is IN LINE with the truth. So if our feelings don't move to catch up with truth what must be done?

I don't know, but I am excited to figure it out and study it. Feelings united to truth … seems a good sort of thing to be in possession of. Sign me up.