limbo

I'm not sure what's next. I don't feel healed but I don't feel like I did during the fall (drowning in shame) either. January has been quiet - both internally and externally (other than the week of my Birthday). Even though I don't feel healed of my shame - I don't feel like it has the grip it once did either.

I keep thinking about my friends vision for me. She wrote to me last January about God rewriting my life. She saw a picture of a phonograph and phonogram beside the ocean. Here is her text about the images God gave her twice in prayer for me:

a phonograph (you in the recent past proclaiming what the spirit told you) and a phonogram (you now, waiting to have new messages recorded onto you from the spirit) and these are sitting by the tide- steady, unchanging, and faithful to its schedule of highs and lows.

I have come to know that the ocean represent the voice of God … 'his voice like the roar of many waters' as it is described in Revelation and other places. So I am there in 2 pieces on the beach - one part the phonograph and the other the phonogram. The first is done and in the past … what I had proclaimed in the Spirit before … and the second part waiting to be written on by the Spirit again.

Truly, that is how I feel. I am waiting to be written on again. I feel like my life has been split in half. The first part is done but I have no idea what the second part will be. And it definitely doesn't feel like it has started yet either. I'm in this limbo middle place … dealing with all this junk so I can be free to move into part 2 of my life.

Well man, bring on whatever else needs to be dealt with. Let's get it over with … because I REALLY want to move out of limbo.

I feel a nudge to look at my desire to bring myself ease, comfort and pleasure. I long to distract myself from the things I find distasteful or yucky in my life and in the world. That's a problem. One I don't feel like I have any clue how to be rid of. All I do is attack the symptoms and that never solves the deep issues in my heart. I also still struggle with my appearance. Ugliness is still a regular feeling. I'm not sure how to rid myself of that either … though like the other things it has grown quieter… its still present. I know that all the shame I waded through ties in to both of these - so perhaps the healing that God will eventually effect will heal these as well. Don't know.

Limbo.