I had a couple of thoughts last night as I was falling asleep to some worship music.
I am still longing to FEEL The Lord - to know His presence again. And as I was falling asleep praying for this - I felt like God said this: "When you are being pruned … and parts are being trimmed off… presence is harder to feel." Automatically we tend to look at and dwell on the part of us that hurts - whether it's from trial or from pruning. Pruning is cutting off bits of a plant that are not serving the greater end of the fruit… in fact it's keeping the fruit from developing more fully - pruning helps MORE fruit grow. Verse 2 says this, 'Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.' I want more fruit to grow so I need to submit to this time of pruning and stop trying to fight what God has given me to bring about more sanctification. The silence is part of that. Perhaps is I fully submit - I will be less focused on the pain involved - and more focused maintaining His presence. And it all might go quicker!
The other thing that came into my mind was this … ' Open up each of your senses to my presence. ' As I thought on this more I pictured myself like the branch that had been trimmed. Parts of me are gone now and I just might be trying to eek presence out of places that no longer are even connected. So I laid there imagining opening my floodgates to let things flow again. I thought about my sense of sight being overwhelmed with seeing the beauty of God in the things around. That I could see the spiritual truths in the trees and the birds and the grass and the sky… whatever God might want to show me. Then I prayed for my ears to be opened to His voice. I pray even now that I can hear Him again in music, in His word, in the people around me. That His word and truth stand out more powerfully to me. I prayed to for my sense of touch to be enlivened to His. That I would feel Him all around me, that I feel Him near… closer than my breath. he is always here … He never leaves. He is all around me - He goes before, He hems me in from behind, He walks beside me… I felt like He said open up to the truth that I am ALREADY here. Next, I prayed for my taste buds! That I would be able to honor Him with the things I put in my mouth … That I would know what to eat and when - and be awakened to a new way - at least in my life - of bringing honor to Him by how I eat. I pray that I will be able to sense Him even as I taste and see that He is good to me - even as I eat. Then I thought of my 'other' senses so to speak … my mind perceiving Him… that my thoughts would recognize His above mine. That His words would become more obvious within my head. And I prayed for that spiritual 6th sense … the one that just has a gut feel - or can feel His presence resting in my chest to be opened once again. I realized as I am writing I haven't even prayed for my sense of smell yet! Lord, I pray I can even smell the sweet smell of your presence … open me. Lord, I pray too for my feelings … they have been all over the place - unrestrained - unfocused… May they focus in on bringing you glory and feeling your presence and less on self in general and specifically less on self pity.
Lord, open me up. I picture myself like a flower breaking open to you - and fully flinging back my petals - bent backward even - so wide that I don't miss anything! Crack open those floodgates to bursting! Let your presence flow in and through me - all around me!
Father, forgive me for being so resistant. For being so stiff instead of malleable in your hands. I have been afraid of being pruned … when I should have been rejoicing that You have come to answer my prayers for real change! I have been a difficult daughter, a whining child, an unwilling student during so much of this silence. Wipe away my sin of disobedience and reluctance and fear … which has all led to unbelief. I have struggled daily to believe this is for my good. That you were doing something that was making me new and better. I just wanted things like they were - But You have been pruning me to make even more fruit! I'm not going to pretend that this was all easy - walking in your silence sucked. Walking through my shame sucked. Not knowing what was next - not hearing you in the word or anywhere was awful. BUT Lord - I hope I am unclogged now. I hope you can show me the immense healing you are affecting in me. Teach me about what You have done in me. Show me what I am supposed to be up to next. Give me a vision for your beauty and majesty again. Allow my heart to soar in worship. Teach me more about my unity in Christ. Teach me about fasting and food and exercise. Teach me what of all this I am to use to edify others.
Lord I thank You and praise You for this gift of time away to sit in the silence. I praise you for allowing me to hear you again! I praise you for allowing my heart to worship. You are good - always. But this time away made it feel like you are even better than good!
I praise You because You are high above all things. My Creator. The One who knows all things - sees everything and always loves me anyway. Thank you for uniting me to Christ - and for showing more of what that means. I praise you because You are beautiful!
I left this mostly unedited … as it was a stream of consciousness.
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