burned

I wish I could say I was feeling hopeful today … But I am simply NOT. I turn 40 on Saturday. I am dreading that day. I really have no desire to celebrate or even acknowledge it. I told my husband not to do anything or say anything to anyone. Damn stupid Facebook … I will be avoiding that for the entirety of the day. We were supposed to go out that night as a family but in my desire to avoid it … we went out on Tuesday night instead. Hopefully, the day can pass and I won't notice it much.

Why all the fuss? I have been wondering to. But even as I write - I know what it is. I feel like my life has been fairly wasteful and useless. I haven't met any of the goals I wanted to achieve by this point in my life. Even as I write this … I know I SHOULDN'T feel this way … but I can't change how I feel. I have to own it.

I realized today as I was running errands … that as I looked at all my shame in the face and thought I had gotten to the bottom… that I hadn't actually hit the bottom. The shame I experienced was not mine - it was shared and borrowed from from family - especially my parents. The core belief that I took away from that was - that I just wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth it to them to say the things that needed to be said - that needed to be done - that needed to be forgiven. But what I didn't realize is that I took that on and not only wore the shame they handed me, but I believed it as if it were my own thought. I took the shame and internalized it so deeply that I agreed with it - I called it true - I said 'yup that's right - I am just not worth it. 'My own soul said, 'I am just not worth it' - to myself. So everything that oozes out of me is from this awful place of self-hatred. I knew I hated myself … I just didn't get why. Now I know…. great.

What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

In my heart today I was screaming at God. I was swearing at Him. I am just so angry … why do I have to go through this shit. I am so done … I'm burned. My soul feels dead. I have zero joy. Truly, it's hard to know why I am still here … It's like I should be invisible.

And then I wonder WHY it hurts soooo much STILL. Seriously, this is old crap - like 30 years ago. And all stems from my parents divorce mess … which in this day and age seems like no big deal. How can I possibly still be dealing with this? It pisses me off.

Then I wonder why God hasn't come to the rescue yet? Why He keeps leaving me lost in my crap - drowning - not knowing how to swim? Why all the silence? … when You know full well that silence in my poor stupid brain - somehow equals me being shameful.  And why no matter how hard I try and speak the truth to myself - it never seems to matter? Nothing penetrates.
Damn it - I'm done. So done.



Then I remember that Jesus is the only one who has the words of eternal life. He died for me. He chose me. He says I am made alive in Him. Well then … I want to FEEL it !!!! I want to KNOW it. I want to BE it!

You have given this gift to others … why not me? I think of Hudson Taylor, and Andrew Murray, and George Mueller, Brother Lawrence, Frank Laubach, and others I have only read about. Why not me? Please reveal, please supersede. Please work, please change. Please transform, please resurrect. Please let me feel you near again. The char on my soul is taking over. I am long past done.