I had a couple of thoughts last night as I was falling asleep to some worship music.
I am still longing to FEEL The Lord - to know His presence again. And as I was falling asleep praying for this - I felt like God said this: "When you are being pruned … and parts are being trimmed off… presence is harder to feel." Automatically we tend to look at and dwell on the part of us that hurts - whether it's from trial or from pruning. Pruning is cutting off bits of a plant that are not serving the greater end of the fruit… in fact it's keeping the fruit from developing more fully - pruning helps MORE fruit grow. Verse 2 says this, 'Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.' I want more fruit to grow so I need to submit to this time of pruning and stop trying to fight what God has given me to bring about more sanctification. The silence is part of that. Perhaps is I fully submit - I will be less focused on the pain involved - and more focused maintaining His presence. And it all might go quicker!
The other thing that came into my mind was this … ' Open up each of your senses to my presence. ' As I thought on this more I pictured myself like the branch that had been trimmed. Parts of me are gone now and I just might be trying to eek presence out of places that no longer are even connected. So I laid there imagining opening my floodgates to let things flow again. I thought about my sense of sight being overwhelmed with seeing the beauty of God in the things around. That I could see the spiritual truths in the trees and the birds and the grass and the sky… whatever God might want to show me. Then I prayed for my ears to be opened to His voice. I pray even now that I can hear Him again in music, in His word, in the people around me. That His word and truth stand out more powerfully to me. I prayed to for my sense of touch to be enlivened to His. That I would feel Him all around me, that I feel Him near… closer than my breath. he is always here … He never leaves. He is all around me - He goes before, He hems me in from behind, He walks beside me… I felt like He said open up to the truth that I am ALREADY here. Next, I prayed for my taste buds! That I would be able to honor Him with the things I put in my mouth … That I would know what to eat and when - and be awakened to a new way - at least in my life - of bringing honor to Him by how I eat. I pray that I will be able to sense Him even as I taste and see that He is good to me - even as I eat. Then I thought of my 'other' senses so to speak … my mind perceiving Him… that my thoughts would recognize His above mine. That His words would become more obvious within my head. And I prayed for that spiritual 6th sense … the one that just has a gut feel - or can feel His presence resting in my chest to be opened once again. I realized as I am writing I haven't even prayed for my sense of smell yet! Lord, I pray I can even smell the sweet smell of your presence … open me. Lord, I pray too for my feelings … they have been all over the place - unrestrained - unfocused… May they focus in on bringing you glory and feeling your presence and less on self in general and specifically less on self pity.
Lord, open me up. I picture myself like a flower breaking open to you - and fully flinging back my petals - bent backward even - so wide that I don't miss anything! Crack open those floodgates to bursting! Let your presence flow in and through me - all around me!
Father, forgive me for being so resistant. For being so stiff instead of malleable in your hands. I have been afraid of being pruned … when I should have been rejoicing that You have come to answer my prayers for real change! I have been a difficult daughter, a whining child, an unwilling student during so much of this silence. Wipe away my sin of disobedience and reluctance and fear … which has all led to unbelief. I have struggled daily to believe this is for my good. That you were doing something that was making me new and better. I just wanted things like they were - But You have been pruning me to make even more fruit! I'm not going to pretend that this was all easy - walking in your silence sucked. Walking through my shame sucked. Not knowing what was next - not hearing you in the word or anywhere was awful. BUT Lord - I hope I am unclogged now. I hope you can show me the immense healing you are affecting in me. Teach me about what You have done in me. Show me what I am supposed to be up to next. Give me a vision for your beauty and majesty again. Allow my heart to soar in worship. Teach me more about my unity in Christ. Teach me about fasting and food and exercise. Teach me what of all this I am to use to edify others.
Lord I thank You and praise You for this gift of time away to sit in the silence. I praise you for allowing me to hear you again! I praise you for allowing my heart to worship. You are good - always. But this time away made it feel like you are even better than good!
I praise You because You are high above all things. My Creator. The One who knows all things - sees everything and always loves me anyway. Thank you for uniting me to Christ - and for showing more of what that means. I praise you because You are beautiful!
I left this mostly unedited … as it was a stream of consciousness.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Friday, January 30, 2015
abiding?
Luke 15 … I love this passage but find it so elusive. I want so much to know what it means to abide. I mean I think I know, because I think I lived it during my 'Summer of Jesus'. And since then have done everything I know to get back to that place. Heck that's why I blog … so I can learn what it means to practice His presence - what it means to keep pressing into Him.
I want to be totally encapsulated by Him. I want to abide.
1“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. 7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. 9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. 11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
Abide means to live in a certain place. Synonyms are: inhabit, lodge, nest, perch, reside, room with, roost, stay.
Is it even possible? To inhabit Jesus - to reside in Him? How does one keep so fixed on Him? When sin is so abundant in us - so present - ever current. The only way is by supernatural gift. That was the only way I would ever experience something like that. My life up until that time demonstrated some devotion but would never be described as abiding. Until one day, I decided I wanted to give God more time. And in that time, He blessed me to overflowing and the overflow lasted for 6 months and even beyond. That was His gift to give, all I can do is beg now for the return of it.
But if abiding is not something I can do - then what is it? Because the above verses read as if it is something I must do - something I must maintain. 'If' is used in 3 verses and 'unless' in others … making the abiding conditional on me maintaining it. I have to abide, and bear fruit, and keep the Father's commands … or I am tossed away to be burned like a useless branch. That seems wrong to me…
All I did in those 6 months was open myself up to more of Jesus. I wanted more … does just wanting more count? Because I want it now and I feel pretty dang wide open. If I am just a branch - a pipeline - between root and fruit - then my only job is to stay open. What does openness look like? Belief? Reading the word? Praying? Obedience? Drudging along even when life feels pointless and hard? I've done all of that - not perfectly - but I've done it.
Abiding has to be more about our oneness with Christ than it does with me 'doing' something. Verse 16 says this: You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.
He chose, He appointed, He makes the fruit abide. It is His work … we participate in it… by being the branch - that pipe between root and fruit.
I keep thinking about our oneness with Jesus. That has been done. It is declared that we are 'In Christ' in countless verses. This was His work - a result of His incarnation and His work on the cross on our behalf. When He took on human skin He took on all of Adams tests and passed them all. He lived a perfect life with in that human skin. He pleased God. He crushed satan in the dessert, in the garden, and at the cross and especially in the resurrection. He broke free from temptation sin, hell and death. His perfection paid fro all of our sin and that perfection also transfers to us. The how of that I don't know if I can articulate that yet - but its true - his righteousness is stamped onto us. It is on us - because we are at one with Him - we are hidden within Him.
This - to me - says that regardless of whether we feel it or not - we are always abiding with Him. We can not pull ourselves away - we are connected eternally. So then the abiding that is spoken of here is just that - a maintenance of that which we already HAVE. Our part is as simple as staying open - the participating in - presenting ourselves to Him daily saying - 'use me as you see fit.'
I guess my problem is … I want it to be accompanied with something that feels like intimacy and connection. I want the joy that is supposed to come with it. I want to feel the love I am living in. The question is … am I really open? Or why can't I feel those things if I am?
I want to be totally encapsulated by Him. I want to abide.
1“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. 7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. 9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. 11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
Abide means to live in a certain place. Synonyms are: inhabit, lodge, nest, perch, reside, room with, roost, stay.
Is it even possible? To inhabit Jesus - to reside in Him? How does one keep so fixed on Him? When sin is so abundant in us - so present - ever current. The only way is by supernatural gift. That was the only way I would ever experience something like that. My life up until that time demonstrated some devotion but would never be described as abiding. Until one day, I decided I wanted to give God more time. And in that time, He blessed me to overflowing and the overflow lasted for 6 months and even beyond. That was His gift to give, all I can do is beg now for the return of it.
But if abiding is not something I can do - then what is it? Because the above verses read as if it is something I must do - something I must maintain. 'If' is used in 3 verses and 'unless' in others … making the abiding conditional on me maintaining it. I have to abide, and bear fruit, and keep the Father's commands … or I am tossed away to be burned like a useless branch. That seems wrong to me…
All I did in those 6 months was open myself up to more of Jesus. I wanted more … does just wanting more count? Because I want it now and I feel pretty dang wide open. If I am just a branch - a pipeline - between root and fruit - then my only job is to stay open. What does openness look like? Belief? Reading the word? Praying? Obedience? Drudging along even when life feels pointless and hard? I've done all of that - not perfectly - but I've done it.
Abiding has to be more about our oneness with Christ than it does with me 'doing' something. Verse 16 says this: You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.
He chose, He appointed, He makes the fruit abide. It is His work … we participate in it… by being the branch - that pipe between root and fruit.
I keep thinking about our oneness with Jesus. That has been done. It is declared that we are 'In Christ' in countless verses. This was His work - a result of His incarnation and His work on the cross on our behalf. When He took on human skin He took on all of Adams tests and passed them all. He lived a perfect life with in that human skin. He pleased God. He crushed satan in the dessert, in the garden, and at the cross and especially in the resurrection. He broke free from temptation sin, hell and death. His perfection paid fro all of our sin and that perfection also transfers to us. The how of that I don't know if I can articulate that yet - but its true - his righteousness is stamped onto us. It is on us - because we are at one with Him - we are hidden within Him.
This - to me - says that regardless of whether we feel it or not - we are always abiding with Him. We can not pull ourselves away - we are connected eternally. So then the abiding that is spoken of here is just that - a maintenance of that which we already HAVE. Our part is as simple as staying open - the participating in - presenting ourselves to Him daily saying - 'use me as you see fit.'
I guess my problem is … I want it to be accompanied with something that feels like intimacy and connection. I want the joy that is supposed to come with it. I want to feel the love I am living in. The question is … am I really open? Or why can't I feel those things if I am?
the way to the Father
I recently finished reading the book of Luke, so this morning I didn't know where to go next. John is the next book - so I went there but went straight to chapter 14. There is just something about chapters 14-17 that draw me in again and again. There is so much intimacy spoken here.
1“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. 2 In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. 4 And you know the way to where I am going.” 5 Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” 6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7 If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.”
Jesus wants us with Him. He came to get us and tell us this. I love how Thomas doesn't get it. I probably wouldn't have either. I have the benefit of getting to read it over and over again. Jesus says they know the way to where He is going … and Thomas says - 'um Jesus - no we don't. We don't know the way or where the heck you're going.' Where is Jesus going? To the Father. How do we get there? Through Jesus. He is THE way … THE truth … THE life. If we want to get to the Father - we must go through Jesus - we must believe. We must know that He is the truth - the only truth. We must know and believe that HE is what leads to life … nothing else leads to life … ONLY Jesus.
If Jesus wants ME with Him … then He will come back and get me. He will rescue. My job is to believe…. to remember that He is the way, truth and life. I can't get them anywhere else. And if I want to know the Father I go through Jesus. I can see the Father in Jesus.
I find myself asking 'why do I want the Father?' Not because I don't want Him but because I want to know WHY I want Him.
Is it because I want to feel good again? Because I do. But is there more? What benefit is there in knowing the Father? I can think of lots of ways knowing Him benefits me … salvation, I don't have to go to Hell and instead get to go to heaven, He has granted me existence, He gives me good gifts… Those and so much more are wonderful BUT why is KNOWING the Father good?
I think about Adam and Eve getting to walk with God in the cool of the day. They got to be with God in such an easy and intimate way. They got to walk and chat in the garden learning from him about the plants and flowers and animals. They got to enjoy Him in peace and quiet. Their hearts at peace too. They KNEW their Creator. They met with his goodness. They felt His love. They felt His touch. They knew His heart. They heard his thoughts spoken out loud. Amazing.
Think of this … what if your had a really awesome relationship with your earthly Dad? What if when you were with him … all you felt was love. Acceptance. Peace. You got to ask all your questions. No barriers in the way - he actually answers you - and you have an amazing conversation like none other you have had in your life. You walk away getting him - understanding why he made the choices he did. You can finally see into his heart and he into yours. Nothing is hidden and your exposure doesn't make you ache with regret afterwards, but instead makes you long for more. Has this ever happened to anyone? I know it hasn't for me …
Knowing the Father means knowing HOME. This is what we were made for. And when we KNOW Him like this the worship that will pour out of us will be beyond words. Real life. Real living truth.
1“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. 2 In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. 4 And you know the way to where I am going.” 5 Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” 6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7 If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.”
Jesus wants us with Him. He came to get us and tell us this. I love how Thomas doesn't get it. I probably wouldn't have either. I have the benefit of getting to read it over and over again. Jesus says they know the way to where He is going … and Thomas says - 'um Jesus - no we don't. We don't know the way or where the heck you're going.' Where is Jesus going? To the Father. How do we get there? Through Jesus. He is THE way … THE truth … THE life. If we want to get to the Father - we must go through Jesus - we must believe. We must know that He is the truth - the only truth. We must know and believe that HE is what leads to life … nothing else leads to life … ONLY Jesus.
If Jesus wants ME with Him … then He will come back and get me. He will rescue. My job is to believe…. to remember that He is the way, truth and life. I can't get them anywhere else. And if I want to know the Father I go through Jesus. I can see the Father in Jesus.
I find myself asking 'why do I want the Father?' Not because I don't want Him but because I want to know WHY I want Him.
Is it because I want to feel good again? Because I do. But is there more? What benefit is there in knowing the Father? I can think of lots of ways knowing Him benefits me … salvation, I don't have to go to Hell and instead get to go to heaven, He has granted me existence, He gives me good gifts… Those and so much more are wonderful BUT why is KNOWING the Father good?
I think about Adam and Eve getting to walk with God in the cool of the day. They got to be with God in such an easy and intimate way. They got to walk and chat in the garden learning from him about the plants and flowers and animals. They got to enjoy Him in peace and quiet. Their hearts at peace too. They KNEW their Creator. They met with his goodness. They felt His love. They felt His touch. They knew His heart. They heard his thoughts spoken out loud. Amazing.
Think of this … what if your had a really awesome relationship with your earthly Dad? What if when you were with him … all you felt was love. Acceptance. Peace. You got to ask all your questions. No barriers in the way - he actually answers you - and you have an amazing conversation like none other you have had in your life. You walk away getting him - understanding why he made the choices he did. You can finally see into his heart and he into yours. Nothing is hidden and your exposure doesn't make you ache with regret afterwards, but instead makes you long for more. Has this ever happened to anyone? I know it hasn't for me …
Knowing the Father means knowing HOME. This is what we were made for. And when we KNOW Him like this the worship that will pour out of us will be beyond words. Real life. Real living truth.
limbo
I'm not sure what's next. I don't feel healed but I don't feel like I did during the fall (drowning in shame) either. January has been quiet - both internally and externally (other than the week of my Birthday). Even though I don't feel healed of my shame - I don't feel like it has the grip it once did either.
I keep thinking about my friends vision for me. She wrote to me last January about God rewriting my life. She saw a picture of a phonograph and phonogram beside the ocean. Here is her text about the images God gave her twice in prayer for me:
a phonograph (you in the recent past proclaiming what the spirit told you) and a phonogram (you now, waiting to have new messages recorded onto you from the spirit) and these are sitting by the tide- steady, unchanging, and faithful to its schedule of highs and lows.
I have come to know that the ocean represent the voice of God … 'his voice like the roar of many waters' as it is described in Revelation and other places. So I am there in 2 pieces on the beach - one part the phonograph and the other the phonogram. The first is done and in the past … what I had proclaimed in the Spirit before … and the second part waiting to be written on by the Spirit again.
Truly, that is how I feel. I am waiting to be written on again. I feel like my life has been split in half. The first part is done but I have no idea what the second part will be. And it definitely doesn't feel like it has started yet either. I'm in this limbo middle place … dealing with all this junk so I can be free to move into part 2 of my life.
Well man, bring on whatever else needs to be dealt with. Let's get it over with … because I REALLY want to move out of limbo.
I feel a nudge to look at my desire to bring myself ease, comfort and pleasure. I long to distract myself from the things I find distasteful or yucky in my life and in the world. That's a problem. One I don't feel like I have any clue how to be rid of. All I do is attack the symptoms and that never solves the deep issues in my heart. I also still struggle with my appearance. Ugliness is still a regular feeling. I'm not sure how to rid myself of that either … though like the other things it has grown quieter… its still present. I know that all the shame I waded through ties in to both of these - so perhaps the healing that God will eventually effect will heal these as well. Don't know.
Limbo.
I keep thinking about my friends vision for me. She wrote to me last January about God rewriting my life. She saw a picture of a phonograph and phonogram beside the ocean. Here is her text about the images God gave her twice in prayer for me:
a phonograph (you in the recent past proclaiming what the spirit told you) and a phonogram (you now, waiting to have new messages recorded onto you from the spirit) and these are sitting by the tide- steady, unchanging, and faithful to its schedule of highs and lows.
I have come to know that the ocean represent the voice of God … 'his voice like the roar of many waters' as it is described in Revelation and other places. So I am there in 2 pieces on the beach - one part the phonograph and the other the phonogram. The first is done and in the past … what I had proclaimed in the Spirit before … and the second part waiting to be written on by the Spirit again.
Truly, that is how I feel. I am waiting to be written on again. I feel like my life has been split in half. The first part is done but I have no idea what the second part will be. And it definitely doesn't feel like it has started yet either. I'm in this limbo middle place … dealing with all this junk so I can be free to move into part 2 of my life.
Well man, bring on whatever else needs to be dealt with. Let's get it over with … because I REALLY want to move out of limbo.
I feel a nudge to look at my desire to bring myself ease, comfort and pleasure. I long to distract myself from the things I find distasteful or yucky in my life and in the world. That's a problem. One I don't feel like I have any clue how to be rid of. All I do is attack the symptoms and that never solves the deep issues in my heart. I also still struggle with my appearance. Ugliness is still a regular feeling. I'm not sure how to rid myself of that either … though like the other things it has grown quieter… its still present. I know that all the shame I waded through ties in to both of these - so perhaps the healing that God will eventually effect will heal these as well. Don't know.
Limbo.
a single word
Well I tried on some silence last night. It didn't go very well. The insulation between floors here is not awesome. There was some manner of toddler in the room above mine that was tapping around in what I can only imagine were horrible plastic princess shoes. It didn't sound just like tapping though - it was so beyond just tapping! I think it may have penetrated into my very soul. Irritation welled up in me … and no amount of prayer or wishing for it to stop seemed to help. I tried to concentrate despite the distraction. I tried to concentrate on the throne and give my prayers of thankfulness. I tried to concentrate on what I know, I tried to ask God what He wants me to spend my time thinking on. But mostly, I was irritated.
Thankfully, the little beast went to bed at 9 and I could emerge from cocoon of 'silence' and take a break. I was so out of sync at that point though I watched some TV. Probably not the best move on my part but that's what I did nonetheless. After that stumble, I picked up a book I just finished reading. It's called When God Is Silent by Luis Martinez, he was the catholic archbishop of Mexico City in the mid nineteen hundreds. I wasn't sure what to expect when I first started reading it. And indeed his language is a bit flowery for my taste at times, but there were some very wise words as well.
Here are a couple of things I picked up:
'If we want to attain silence in the interior of our hearts, we ought to begin by investigating the causes of the clamor within us. Ordinarily, there are 2 causes of interior noise: the imagination and the heart.'
( He describes the imagination noise as those fleeting thoughts that take us away from our intended thoughts and focus. We go down this bunny trail or that and have to keep refocusing.)
But he says when the source is our heart 'how difficult it is to be recollected, and how tense is our whole soul! … When we are under the stress of some particular emotion such as love, fear, desire, or anger,, we cannot compose our spirit; our soul seems like a city full of noise… When we suffer, pain produces a constant monotonous noise; a single word is spoken to us, but it is a word that disturbs our entire being.'
Well as I read this I felt like I was understood. Someone got how I have been feeling. I wondered at my ' word ' … the one that has disturbed my entire being. It seems obvious now that it was 'shame'. It has disrupted everything. It has directed much of my life - and not in a good way - making me bend and move in ways contrary to my calling and identity in Jesus. The ' I'm just not worth it ' phrase that has been plaguing me for 30 years has seen its day. I spent the last 6 months in tears trying to get to that dark pit where all this was hiding. I got to the bottom - and cried my eyes out for the entire month of December. Well, it had its turn … now I want a new word to take its place! The tears are gone and I am quiet once again on the inside waiting to be healed - waiting for something new - what shall that be Lord - what is my new word?
I couldn't figure out what the opposite of shame was - so I looked up the antonyms. Shame put simply is humiliation and dishonor. The words they chose as the opposite are pride and honor. Now I don't think pride is going to help me in this instance because having pride in myself will only make this problem worse … but perhaps identity is better - Knowing who I am in Jesus. I am honored by Him, loved by Him, chosen; called a child, a sister of Jesus, a bride.
I am worth it to Jesus. I can't fully wrap my brain around that. I know I am full of sin and sometimes that sin feels so overwhelming and painful. But He came for me. He called me before the foundation of the world and even as Jesus died on the cross - He thought of MY rescue - He thought of me. That's amazing... and has yet to sink in. I pray God that you would have it overwhelm me, tell me my new word. And when that happens I pray I shower you with grateful tears when I finally hear it.
Thankfully, the little beast went to bed at 9 and I could emerge from cocoon of 'silence' and take a break. I was so out of sync at that point though I watched some TV. Probably not the best move on my part but that's what I did nonetheless. After that stumble, I picked up a book I just finished reading. It's called When God Is Silent by Luis Martinez, he was the catholic archbishop of Mexico City in the mid nineteen hundreds. I wasn't sure what to expect when I first started reading it. And indeed his language is a bit flowery for my taste at times, but there were some very wise words as well.
Here are a couple of things I picked up:
'If we want to attain silence in the interior of our hearts, we ought to begin by investigating the causes of the clamor within us. Ordinarily, there are 2 causes of interior noise: the imagination and the heart.'
( He describes the imagination noise as those fleeting thoughts that take us away from our intended thoughts and focus. We go down this bunny trail or that and have to keep refocusing.)
But he says when the source is our heart 'how difficult it is to be recollected, and how tense is our whole soul! … When we are under the stress of some particular emotion such as love, fear, desire, or anger,, we cannot compose our spirit; our soul seems like a city full of noise… When we suffer, pain produces a constant monotonous noise; a single word is spoken to us, but it is a word that disturbs our entire being.'
Well as I read this I felt like I was understood. Someone got how I have been feeling. I wondered at my ' word ' … the one that has disturbed my entire being. It seems obvious now that it was 'shame'. It has disrupted everything. It has directed much of my life - and not in a good way - making me bend and move in ways contrary to my calling and identity in Jesus. The ' I'm just not worth it ' phrase that has been plaguing me for 30 years has seen its day. I spent the last 6 months in tears trying to get to that dark pit where all this was hiding. I got to the bottom - and cried my eyes out for the entire month of December. Well, it had its turn … now I want a new word to take its place! The tears are gone and I am quiet once again on the inside waiting to be healed - waiting for something new - what shall that be Lord - what is my new word?
I couldn't figure out what the opposite of shame was - so I looked up the antonyms. Shame put simply is humiliation and dishonor. The words they chose as the opposite are pride and honor. Now I don't think pride is going to help me in this instance because having pride in myself will only make this problem worse … but perhaps identity is better - Knowing who I am in Jesus. I am honored by Him, loved by Him, chosen; called a child, a sister of Jesus, a bride.
I am worth it to Jesus. I can't fully wrap my brain around that. I know I am full of sin and sometimes that sin feels so overwhelming and painful. But He came for me. He called me before the foundation of the world and even as Jesus died on the cross - He thought of MY rescue - He thought of me. That's amazing... and has yet to sink in. I pray God that you would have it overwhelm me, tell me my new word. And when that happens I pray I shower you with grateful tears when I finally hear it.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
residence
I'm away. I was supposed to go visit a dear friend this week but she ended up needed to move. So we postponed. But in its stead I hatched a plan to go away by myself and be quiet. So here I sit in a huge 3 bedroom condo waiting on God for the next couple of days.
I feel like I am supposed to take up RESIDENCE in the silence.
This is a very hard thing to achieve for me. Have you ever heard that sound when you are all alone and there seems to be no noise at all but a loud ringing in your ears. What is that? What ever it is, I fear in part of my soul that God will continue to be silent and that ringing will be all that I hear… and the silence will continue.
Right now and for the last hour or more I have been listening to worship music … in search of SOMETHING that speaks to me. A place to center my thoughts. Each time I attempt to pray all my thoughts - (anytime I try to focus in on a vision of God, an idea, a verse, a prayer) - seem to get swept away.
I am not afraid to be alone or quiet… in fact I generally crave that. I think that's because anytime I did -before this time of God's silence … He showed up. I heard Him - intimacy followed. We talked and I learned and grew. I loved being with Him. Worship came easily. Reading His word was a delight. Now none of those things are true.
So how do I press ahead? What does it mean to take up residence in silence? How do I embrace something that seems like nothing?
Here is what I HAVE TO believe:
I have to know that He loves me. God the Father delights in me. He sent Jesus to die for me! So we can be in intimate fellowship.
That even though I don't/can't FEEL intimate with Him --- He has NEVER stopped being intimate with me. He knows me, He goes before and behind me, He is standing next to me, He is closer than my breath. He knows my thoughts, my heart, my sinful ugliness --- and is still intimate with me because of Jesus.
That THIS has purpose. He is doing something. He is changing me - somehow. He just hasn't revealed it to me YET. And someday soon - perhaps not as soon as I would like! - but SOON this will be revealed!! His plan is good. It is for MY good. It is for HIS Kingdom.
I have to take these things with me into the silence. I have to trust Him to take me into it. I have to grip these truths and hold tight to them - wash them over my mind again and again. And just live in the silence.
This song has been an awesome song to sing with this afternoon:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rMNIDW8Vho
Thursday, January 15, 2015
burned
I wish I could say I was feeling hopeful today … But I am simply NOT. I turn 40 on Saturday. I am dreading that day. I really have no desire to celebrate or even acknowledge it. I told my husband not to do anything or say anything to anyone. Damn stupid Facebook … I will be avoiding that for the entirety of the day. We were supposed to go out that night as a family but in my desire to avoid it … we went out on Tuesday night instead. Hopefully, the day can pass and I won't notice it much.
Why all the fuss? I have been wondering to. But even as I write - I know what it is. I feel like my life has been fairly wasteful and useless. I haven't met any of the goals I wanted to achieve by this point in my life. Even as I write this … I know I SHOULDN'T feel this way … but I can't change how I feel. I have to own it.
I realized today as I was running errands … that as I looked at all my shame in the face and thought I had gotten to the bottom… that I hadn't actually hit the bottom. The shame I experienced was not mine - it was shared and borrowed from from family - especially my parents. The core belief that I took away from that was - that I just wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth it to them to say the things that needed to be said - that needed to be done - that needed to be forgiven. But what I didn't realize is that I took that on and not only wore the shame they handed me, but I believed it as if it were my own thought. I took the shame and internalized it so deeply that I agreed with it - I called it true - I said 'yup that's right - I am just not worth it. 'My own soul said, 'I am just not worth it' - to myself. So everything that oozes out of me is from this awful place of self-hatred. I knew I hated myself … I just didn't get why. Now I know…. great.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
In my heart today I was screaming at God. I was swearing at Him. I am just so angry … why do I have to go through this shit. I am so done … I'm burned. My soul feels dead. I have zero joy. Truly, it's hard to know why I am still here … It's like I should be invisible.
And then I wonder WHY it hurts soooo much STILL. Seriously, this is old crap - like 30 years ago. And all stems from my parents divorce mess … which in this day and age seems like no big deal. How can I possibly still be dealing with this? It pisses me off.
Then I wonder why God hasn't come to the rescue yet? Why He keeps leaving me lost in my crap - drowning - not knowing how to swim? Why all the silence? … when You know full well that silence in my poor stupid brain - somehow equals me being shameful. And why no matter how hard I try and speak the truth to myself - it never seems to matter? Nothing penetrates.
Damn it - I'm done. So done.
Then I remember that Jesus is the only one who has the words of eternal life. He died for me. He chose me. He says I am made alive in Him. Well then … I want to FEEL it !!!! I want to KNOW it. I want to BE it!
You have given this gift to others … why not me? I think of Hudson Taylor, and Andrew Murray, and George Mueller, Brother Lawrence, Frank Laubach, and others I have only read about. Why not me? Please reveal, please supersede. Please work, please change. Please transform, please resurrect. Please let me feel you near again. The char on my soul is taking over. I am long past done.
Why all the fuss? I have been wondering to. But even as I write - I know what it is. I feel like my life has been fairly wasteful and useless. I haven't met any of the goals I wanted to achieve by this point in my life. Even as I write this … I know I SHOULDN'T feel this way … but I can't change how I feel. I have to own it.
I realized today as I was running errands … that as I looked at all my shame in the face and thought I had gotten to the bottom… that I hadn't actually hit the bottom. The shame I experienced was not mine - it was shared and borrowed from from family - especially my parents. The core belief that I took away from that was - that I just wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth it to them to say the things that needed to be said - that needed to be done - that needed to be forgiven. But what I didn't realize is that I took that on and not only wore the shame they handed me, but I believed it as if it were my own thought. I took the shame and internalized it so deeply that I agreed with it - I called it true - I said 'yup that's right - I am just not worth it. 'My own soul said, 'I am just not worth it' - to myself. So everything that oozes out of me is from this awful place of self-hatred. I knew I hated myself … I just didn't get why. Now I know…. great.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
In my heart today I was screaming at God. I was swearing at Him. I am just so angry … why do I have to go through this shit. I am so done … I'm burned. My soul feels dead. I have zero joy. Truly, it's hard to know why I am still here … It's like I should be invisible.
And then I wonder WHY it hurts soooo much STILL. Seriously, this is old crap - like 30 years ago. And all stems from my parents divorce mess … which in this day and age seems like no big deal. How can I possibly still be dealing with this? It pisses me off.
Then I wonder why God hasn't come to the rescue yet? Why He keeps leaving me lost in my crap - drowning - not knowing how to swim? Why all the silence? … when You know full well that silence in my poor stupid brain - somehow equals me being shameful. And why no matter how hard I try and speak the truth to myself - it never seems to matter? Nothing penetrates.
Damn it - I'm done. So done.
Then I remember that Jesus is the only one who has the words of eternal life. He died for me. He chose me. He says I am made alive in Him. Well then … I want to FEEL it !!!! I want to KNOW it. I want to BE it!
You have given this gift to others … why not me? I think of Hudson Taylor, and Andrew Murray, and George Mueller, Brother Lawrence, Frank Laubach, and others I have only read about. Why not me? Please reveal, please supersede. Please work, please change. Please transform, please resurrect. Please let me feel you near again. The char on my soul is taking over. I am long past done.
Monday, January 5, 2015
roadsigns
It's been awhile.
December sucked.
I cried so much.
We as a household had to deal with feline scabies 2 days before Christmas! I had bugs living on me burrowing under my skin!! That is a whole other story … but even after killing off the bugs I was afflicted with an allergic itch for 2 weeks afterward. A skin crawling - can't go out on New Years Eve - kind of itch. Super fun.
Did I mention December sucked?
It is now January. I turn 40 this month. I weigh - WAY more than I wanted to as I turn 40.
But it's 2015 … a whole new year. I can only think that since I have been so low … perhaps there is no where to go but up. I'm hopeful.
I've realized as I wrote last time that God is at work in this desperation. And I am hopeful I will begin to get answers about it all in the months ahead. Here is an email I sent to a friend just today about looking back over the roadsigns of the last year:
I'm def not sure how long is long enough to be desperate. I am no expert. I've been living in this desert for 18 months now and I really want out … soooooo badly. But I keep looking back over the few things that I have heard from God over these 18months and they are all --- wait. I can't say that my answer is your answer though either … but here is what I know for sure that He said for me. 1 - that I am supposed to Homeschool… even though it is not the love of my heart … and it came just as I was supposed to be rid of them all in school!! There are many days I dread my life and what I do everyday. Getting back into things after Christmas and having most of December off was overwhelming - I cried about that with Phil just the other day. 2. that last january when I thought I couldn't go on any further with life as it was - my sin was so overwhelming during the first few months of HS … I just wanted to quit. We went away on retreat and I just begged God to give me some word on it - some peace somewhere in life. He spoke for a tiny bit … and it was … 'This is what I have for you now. … You asked to love your family better - this is the answer I have given'. … thank God He provided a measure of peace in my heart for the rest of that school year. Enough even for me to do it again this year! 3. fasting during lent … I heard God say - I want you hungry. I think I am still learning what this one means … both for my physical struggle with food and my spiritual hunger. 4. In the summer during worship God gave me a vision of myself lost as He watched over me from a distance …. He then spoke as I felt His arms around me, He said … I've got you. Then proceeded to usher me down months of dealing with my deep shame issues…. of which I still do not feel healed from. I think I cried more in the month of December than I ever had in my whole life. and 5. This came early on in the shame struggle - but the verse from Is 41:17-20 … about terraforming - God is remaking the landscape. My interior landscape and the Spiritual landscape as a whole … He is doing something NEW. In me - in everyone…. change is coming.
It seems that God has given me these road signs. They all seem to say - keep pressing in, wait, don't give up. I am here. I am at work. hunger is good. Desperation is what I want for you right now. Deal with shame …. the list of ugly seems endless. I want no part of it - but when I finally stopped fighting what felt so awful … at least I knew I was getting through it and no longer avoiding it.
What are your roadsigns? Are you avoiding something that God is trying to reveal? Because I get it … desperation sucks. Waiting sucks. Feeling this way for so long sucks. But the longer I avoid - the longer it takes - right? This however does NOT mean I didn't take mental health days for my self … I blew off whole days in front of the TV - just to get a break from my own relentless thoughts. I ate things when I knew full on - I was using it as comfort. And even though scripture is as flat and dull as possible, I still tried to dig in and read a ton of it. I still cry out to God each morning and before I fall asleep. I try to be thankful in prayer and pray for others even though my prayers all feel useless and lifeless.
But nothing much has happened - whether I waisted the day or did something 'right'. I am still here waiting…. looking at my roadsigns again… wondering what God is up to. It's frustrating but I have to keep my eyes focused on Him and my mind remembering what is true. He is doing something. He does love me. This has purpose.
--- nothing much to be said after that. Roadsigns. Keeping myself fixed on Jesus and His promises. Waiting to be healed.
December sucked.
I cried so much.
We as a household had to deal with feline scabies 2 days before Christmas! I had bugs living on me burrowing under my skin!! That is a whole other story … but even after killing off the bugs I was afflicted with an allergic itch for 2 weeks afterward. A skin crawling - can't go out on New Years Eve - kind of itch. Super fun.
Did I mention December sucked?
It is now January. I turn 40 this month. I weigh - WAY more than I wanted to as I turn 40.
But it's 2015 … a whole new year. I can only think that since I have been so low … perhaps there is no where to go but up. I'm hopeful.
I've realized as I wrote last time that God is at work in this desperation. And I am hopeful I will begin to get answers about it all in the months ahead. Here is an email I sent to a friend just today about looking back over the roadsigns of the last year:
I'm def not sure how long is long enough to be desperate. I am no expert. I've been living in this desert for 18 months now and I really want out … soooooo badly. But I keep looking back over the few things that I have heard from God over these 18months and they are all --- wait. I can't say that my answer is your answer though either … but here is what I know for sure that He said for me. 1 - that I am supposed to Homeschool… even though it is not the love of my heart … and it came just as I was supposed to be rid of them all in school!! There are many days I dread my life and what I do everyday. Getting back into things after Christmas and having most of December off was overwhelming - I cried about that with Phil just the other day. 2. that last january when I thought I couldn't go on any further with life as it was - my sin was so overwhelming during the first few months of HS … I just wanted to quit. We went away on retreat and I just begged God to give me some word on it - some peace somewhere in life. He spoke for a tiny bit … and it was … 'This is what I have for you now. … You asked to love your family better - this is the answer I have given'. … thank God He provided a measure of peace in my heart for the rest of that school year. Enough even for me to do it again this year! 3. fasting during lent … I heard God say - I want you hungry. I think I am still learning what this one means … both for my physical struggle with food and my spiritual hunger. 4. In the summer during worship God gave me a vision of myself lost as He watched over me from a distance …. He then spoke as I felt His arms around me, He said … I've got you. Then proceeded to usher me down months of dealing with my deep shame issues…. of which I still do not feel healed from. I think I cried more in the month of December than I ever had in my whole life. and 5. This came early on in the shame struggle - but the verse from Is 41:17-20 … about terraforming - God is remaking the landscape. My interior landscape and the Spiritual landscape as a whole … He is doing something NEW. In me - in everyone…. change is coming.
It seems that God has given me these road signs. They all seem to say - keep pressing in, wait, don't give up. I am here. I am at work. hunger is good. Desperation is what I want for you right now. Deal with shame …. the list of ugly seems endless. I want no part of it - but when I finally stopped fighting what felt so awful … at least I knew I was getting through it and no longer avoiding it.
What are your roadsigns? Are you avoiding something that God is trying to reveal? Because I get it … desperation sucks. Waiting sucks. Feeling this way for so long sucks. But the longer I avoid - the longer it takes - right? This however does NOT mean I didn't take mental health days for my self … I blew off whole days in front of the TV - just to get a break from my own relentless thoughts. I ate things when I knew full on - I was using it as comfort. And even though scripture is as flat and dull as possible, I still tried to dig in and read a ton of it. I still cry out to God each morning and before I fall asleep. I try to be thankful in prayer and pray for others even though my prayers all feel useless and lifeless.
But nothing much has happened - whether I waisted the day or did something 'right'. I am still here waiting…. looking at my roadsigns again… wondering what God is up to. It's frustrating but I have to keep my eyes focused on Him and my mind remembering what is true. He is doing something. He does love me. This has purpose.
--- nothing much to be said after that. Roadsigns. Keeping myself fixed on Jesus and His promises. Waiting to be healed.
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