pain and ...

Up in the mountains we told our stories and S and G listened to us. They reflected what they heard, they asked questions, they pointed out blind spots. It was hard to receive some of it, and other things were just simply true.

At the end of the first day they gave me a book to read, it's called 'The Gift of Being Yourself' by David Brenner. This would fall into the category of things I did NOT receive well. I read the title of the book and thought to myself, 'I already know myself -- I am sick to death of looking at myself -- why oh why did they give me another book on THIS?!' So that night I glanced at the book and skipped around and found something near the end to interest myself … I read and took a couple of notes, end of story. I knew that this was not what they wanted, but what can I say I'm rebellious in spirit.

The next day, we came in and reported what we had thought on as we read. They responded as I expected they would to me jumping to the end of the book - a bit flabbergasted. I told them - I am just sick of looking at myself - that's all I have done for the last few years and I am exhausted by it. And that I honestly feel like I know all I possibly can stand for now. Then I told my story. And like I said there was lots to poke and prod at. 'Survivor' was the word that stuck out for me. They especially noted that I had done quite a lot to raise myself, and that there was a lot of emotional pain... yup, that's a general sum up.

Somewhere in my story we got talking about my family and how they approach life, confrontation and conflict etc… anyway, we got talking about how my family never really expressed love in soft, gentle ways. We teased, were sarcastic, and and if we argued it was a big explosion that led us each to our own separate corners to lick our wounds, and when we were done it was never spoken of again. If we went to a beautiful spot on vacation we would stand and stare - but comments were never made - no beauty was ever spoken. Compliments were not given - but could only be earned out in the world from others for our various accomplishments. There were no - I love you's - it was only ever implied through gifts or other provisions. My mom was nurturing at times when I was young, but as soon as my parents separated much of that dissipated as she struggled with her own pain. My Dad was simply not nurturing, cuddly, or affirming at all. That is probably a bit harsh … I can remember a couple of moments, but they are indeed few.

All of this to get here … somewhere in all of this S began talking about pain shaping us. And he started relaying a quote and before he could finish it - I did - instinctively. Here is the quote --
'Only two things pierce the soul. One is pain; the other beauty.' Simone Weil a french theologian said this … perhaps I had heard it before - I don't know … but I just KNEW the answer. BEAUTY.

After I was done telling my story, S also said to me … That I really didn't know myself at all.

What??? WHAT???

THAT bothered me. Really bothered me.

I feel like I have spent my whole life literally focused inward. Asking God to root out shit. Learning about my identity in Christ, learning to rest in faith… in fact one of the things I definitely have gotten out of these 2 years of silence is just how desperately I want the eyes of my heart to turn away from myself and to focus squarely on the Lord. I feel like after the women's retreat in September - when my lament was over that God would finally take me on a journey away from myself and bring me closer to Himself. Why now was S saying that I don't know myself at all?? Frustration doesn't begin to cover how I felt.

I went back to our cabin that night trying to let things settle over me - trying to wrap my brain around the whole thing. I was up most of the night as thoughts rolled and rushed around. What does this mean? What am I supposed to do about it? What am I not getting? What is missing??

more to come...

Up In the Mountains

People keep asking me if Colorado and our retreat were restful? relaxing? I grit my teeth and say, 'those are not quite the words I would use. How about hard and good, really hard - really good, and challenging - really challenging.' Those are the words I would choose.

Certainly when you are in the middle of nowhere up in the mountains it's quiet and serene. The scenery was beautiful. There were deer literally frolicking outside of our cabin. While a giant black squirrel with tufted ears was foraging for something to eat, birds I've never seen before were flocking to the feeder. There was snow on the ground, and yet it was surprisingly warm at 9000 ft about sea level - a balmy 50 degrees most of the time that we were there. So yes, it WAS restful, even though many nights I barely slept. Apparently this was a result of altitude sickness, with a 2 hour time change, and lots of thoughts waiting to jump out of my head as soon as I cracked my eyes open.

These thoughts were as a result of spending 3 hours a day for 5 days that week talking and receiving from our Soul Care providers. I'll call them S and G for the sake of ease here. They are the couple that started this ministry of soul care a bunch of years ago. They are about 20 years our senior … so it was nice having older, spiritually mature eyes looking in our lives. That's also what makes it challenging though … THEY ACTUALLY SEE STUFF. Like I said, - hard, good, challenging, - this would be no stroll down memory lane.

We told our stories. My husband is fairly easy… great family, only a few moments of regret, and a strong calling from God. In fact his story is so straight forward that most people want to dig up crap where there is none to dig up. S and G asked all the questions to probe in that area but truly there is no crap - especially no true daddy issues. My husband and I often say that he came into our marriage with a shaving bag's worth of baggage, and that I came in with trunks, and suitcases, and hat boxes - piles and piles of luggage. So when I told my story - S and G had lots of crap to poke and prod at. It was exhausting to tell our stories, yet that was the easiest part. S and G said to my husband that he has lived a charmed or blessed life. There has been no pain, no agony, no hell. Which is true, he has really lived a protected life - protected in that no real horror has entered in - and as a result, he is a very steady, even-tempered guy who can get things done. I on the other hand am a mess of emotion and trials and crap. Words like surviver, roller coaster, and pain, were handed to me after listening to my story. I have a whole host of daddy issues, mommy issues and every other kind of issues. And that was all just the beginning. They also gave us books to read or questions to think about… so each evening was spent cozy in our cabin with beef strew, some homework to think on, and eventually we would stumble into a movie at night out of pure mental exhaustion.

I can't forget however, about the prayer trail. All over their property are benches guided by a book, to sit and ponder different aspects of our spiritual life. Some spots point you toward the pond, while others have you climbing a hill toward vast mountain views. Each one though has you thinking through what you see, hear, and feel as you walk, sit, and pray, and then ask questions of you based what you are experiencing. So we each spent some time out on the trail -- picking the spots that spoke to us and spending some time listening and praying.

The week moved painfully slow at times and others made you feel like grabbing at the minutes to get them back -- so you could remember things - hold onto them better. It was exhausting and restful, painful and beautiful. Hard and good all at the same time. I have so much more to say … so more posts to come.

when HE chooses

I'm in Colorado with my husband getting some soul care for the week. For once, we will be the counseled instead of the counselors. I really have no idea what to expect from the experience. All this past week I have been freaking out a bit. And it took me a while to figure out that I was anxious about  coming here. That seemed silly to me -- because I have always wanted to be mentored in some way. I had a bit in Grad School for my counseling degree but since then my only counselors have been books. I have prayed many times for a mentor, but books have been all that God has brought to me thus far ... until now. So why the heck was I so anxious? It really had very little to do with being looked at I discovered...

This past weekend my In-Laws came in to watch the kids for us and celebrate Christmas. I will admit that I am and was a bit hesitant about having them watch the kids. They are old and frail and my husband's father always seems sick as he comes to visit. This time he seemed fine ... until one day into their trip he fell and hurt himself. Now suddenly he is actually making moaning sounds that sound like he is at death's door. I need to mention too that he is the only one that drives once we leave. But all it seems he wants to lay in bed all day and just be ill - instead of actually get up and take care of what needs to be done. As we are driving to church - from which my husband and I will then get on a plane and leave my kids in their care for the next week -- he continues to moan like he is dying. I start freaking out -- my kids will be trapped all week! My mother-in-law won't be able to get groceries! What if they need a doctor or something worse happens! etc. etc. These were definite concerns to me - but I was panicking and crying over it all. Then I realized that what I was more worried about is that I may be heading to Colorado with all this quiet, and all this time and attention ... and I STILL may not hear from the Lord. That's what I was really dreading.

It is perfectly within God's rights to continue in silence with me. After all He is God and I am not. I know that He never ceases to be intimate with me ... but for this season He has chosen that I do not get to feel intimate with Him. At home ... though I don't enjoy the waiting ... it is tolerable to wait. I have things to do, ways to distract. Homeschooling, and caring for the house take up lots of time when I want them to. BUT this - coming to Colorado, this is something else entirely. Here I am SUPPOSED to hear from God in some way. That is what this time is built for. What if He decides to keep me waiting?

After the crying and freaking out were done I felt a bit better. I asked friends to pray via text. A friend at church prayed with me - and that was amazing. I set people up to check in with my In-laws and the kids -- so that just in case -- there are back-up plans. So as I sat there in the airport and got on the plane for 4 hours, and then drove for 3 more to get here in the mountains... I just accepted what is already true. No grand revelation was imparted - no words were spoken - no scripture opened up to me ... I just chose to believe that EVEN if He chooses not to speak - I will be OK. I will not explode - I will keep on as I have. I will choose to believe what IS true. God loves me. This time of silence has purpose. That this time on retreat has purpose. That God is a good loving Father who IS taking care of me. AND that someday - when HE chooses He WILL speak again. Maybe this week - maybe not. But I need to be open to either. And realize that both speak His love over me.

But I gotta be honest ... I WANT him to speak so badly. I want intimacy back. I am tired... and waiting is hard.
Lord, YOUR will be done.

nesting

I have been cleaning and organizing furiously. I organized our movie closet, under my sink - all my cleaners were just a mass pile, my laundry room - was a dumping ground for the random homeless items, and the mac-daddy of all was my bedroom. Since we moved into our house a year ago, my room especially seemed to collect all the things we didn't know what to do with, and mess ensued. So I have been on a rampage the last few days to a week. But I just realized today what this sudden urge is …. I'm nesting.

If you have had a baby or have prepared to adopt -- you know this feeling. Right before a child comes into your world you want everything to be ready to welcome them. You want them comfy and cozy, to feel loved and protected by the things that are all around them. Just like a mama bird making a nest for her clutch of eggs, she lines the inside with soft down or moss, we do the same for our babies.

Now don't go thinking that I am bringing home a new child! I am not. My husband and I have never felt called to adopt, nor do I ever desire to be pregnant again, besides the fact that now my husband is quite fixed! No, this upcoming birth is something else entirely.

Its the birth of something new … I just don't know WHAT yet. God has enveloped me in silence for more than 2 years now, to strip, purge, and remove from me a pile of mess below my surface (I guess I am more like an elephant in that way since its taken me 2 years to gestate!) And I think that soon He will reveal to me what it has all been for. So as I feel this deep breath in - getting ready to release - I am getting ready any way I can. Even if they are only my closets, and laundry room etc… they represent the places I have neglected. Before, I could just close a door and ignore them. And I DID. BUT now, I just want to be able to dive into whatever this is, without anything holding me back. So nothing will be left undone as long as I can help it. Because when Jesus finally calls, I will finally be heading into something new.

what to do?

Lament is over … but nothing else has moved in.

It continues to be hard to wait patiently. The dark cloud is gone, the weight removed … but I am still left standing out here wondering what the heck I am supposed to be doing. Yes - I want to display the fruit of the Spirit -- Yes that is good - and it IS what I want. BUT I also want to DO something!! I feel like I have been sitting on the sidelines and now I am itching to get back in the game.

BUT WHAT? I have had no real leading. No voice from the Lord. No leading from the Spirit. No word in Scripture … just the same prophecies that I have been clinging to for dear life since the silence began, add in a few ideas that I think are probably just mine… and a few things that seem to just be other peoples ideas…like:

An older Gent at church, gave me his business card and said I should go and counsel people. The guy who painted the outside of our house saw a stencil I did and asked if I wanted jobs. My mom wanted me to help with her overwhelming recruiting business. My husband wants me to write Bible Studies.

BUT what do I want? I have no idea … except that I want to do what Jesus wants me to do. And He hasn't said yet. Am I to keep waiting???? What if He doesn't speak again????

I keep hanging on to those prophecies … especially the one of the phonograph and the phonogram sitting by the oceans edge … the phonograph has been played and is done … the phonogram is waiting to be WRITTEN ON. The ocean is the Lords voice …. and I am waiting for His voice. But there are other prophecies … the Terraforming passage from Isaiah 41 … which spoke that God will be the One to fill the desert with water, and life… It is His work. Then the prophecies from another friend about sitting at the Feast of the Lamb in heaven -- one where I have no mouth and I am confused and another where I am glowing, dressed as a bride, with a bowl of water and sword at each side.

Each of these things speak to me - at the vey least - that God does indeed have every intention of speaking to me again. But I guess I can't help but wonder when - and WHAT -- it will be. It's beginning to drive me a bit crazy.

I know what I am already good at … counseling/mentoring … and I love that - so will that continue to be what The Lord has me to focus on? Or will it be something new… I have always felt like I am meant to be an equipper or the saints. A behind the scenes gal -- not a front liner. But will God call me to something new? Will I ever get to fulfill my dream and go for some training as a Spiritual Director? Will God have me speak -- maybe to a wider audience? Will I write? Or will I stay close to home as I have been and minister to the few people that He brings through my door. Will Homeschooling be something that continues to be my daily duty?

I read a secular article today. It was by Mark Manson, called '7 Questions That help You Find Your Life Purpose'. It was a bunch of questions to ask yourself to discover what you are passionate about. The idea is -- that you then go out and spend your time actually pursuing that passion. The article was saucy … and he swears a lot which I can appreciate to a point, but his questions were insightful. The first was : What's your favorite flavor of shit sandwich and does it come with an olive? This one breaks through the ridiculous idea that we can be happy and content 100% of the time… That is simply untrue -- so he was saying -- what are you willing to sacrifice for? If you find out, then that just might be a passion of yours. Another question was: What is true about you today that would make your 8 year old self cry? His point on this one is that as a child we are naturally draw to things certain things and there is no shame in just doing them, and enjoying them - whether they got us something or not. So what did you do as a kid that you are not doing now? Or what would you have tried as a kid - that you won't try now -- just because it seems fun?? And are you willing to try it now - regardless of what you think other people might think??

His point all throughout the article is … are you willing to risk? sacrifice? try? Are you willing to put yourself out there? Are you going to kill the voice of self-doubt that keeps you glued to the couch and comfort - or are you going to get up and take a chance on doing something amazing?

All of this just stirred up my thoughts. Am I supposed to go out and just do something - or am I supposed to wait? Does God want me to wait for this long sought after revelation … or will revelation come as I move out and find something to do?? Or do I have enough to do already … and what I really need to learn is plain old contentment??

lament is over

I have surrendered everything. Everything I can think of at least. Every sin confessed time and again. My brain racked for every possibility. I have surrendered my life, desires, will, body, all leading down to my feelings and my five senses - everything surrendered … truly I felt like there was nothing left after that.

I have been stripped of everything. So stripped that I have felt totally empty. God has taken everything -there is no comfort left, no place to hide, no soft place to land. I have been left almost lifeless.

I have had these 2 years of silence. Virtually no intimacy with Jesus … just a few short moments - vapors really. No scripture, no voice - no hearing, no sense of Him at all.

I have been hanging on to promises and prophecy. I know He is faithful. I know He loves me and this is all for a purpose … truly I KNOW THIS. I trust in Him. Through others He has kept me on course - those few prophecies that friends have spoken over me have been a lifeline as I wait.

The gloomy weight that was pressing me down is gone - Literally many people told me last week at church that I was actually glowing. They commented on my smile and laugh. I felt like I was released from some kind of prison. And since everything else has been stripped and surrendered … what am I supposed to do now? Up until now and consistently,  the answer has been wait. Just wait. Keep on waiting. But here is a thought that has been occurring to me lately… even as everything has been taken and shed … the Holy Spirit still resides in me. I know that the Father has not left me - that He has still been intimate with me - even though He hasn't allowed me to feel Him … and The Holy Spirit HAS NOT left me… so somehow I should still be able to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit - right? Yes! The problem was that I was so weighed down - I felt so dead… I had no space in my life to do much of anything except lament.

As an aside … Lament is no fun. But so necessary. Lament is not just complaining as I have been recently reminded. Lament is a holy complaint. It is a complaint that is taken to God … not murmured under your breath. Lament is an honest struggle - honest questions - honest wondering - that you lay at God's doorstep - and you keep putting it there again and again. Complaints are just griping - bitching - with no other purpose than to blow off steam and stir up dissension and doubt. I am sure that I have had my moments of this … but MOST of what I have done is lament. JOB lamented. Moses lamented. The Psalmist lamented. And God PRAISES them. He honors their struggles. BUT he kills off complainers. They are the ones in the desert - the wilderness - the generation that gets killed off to usher in the faithful generation. Thank God He has taught me to lament! - to hope in Him - while I wonder what the heck He is up to. I could not have made it here without being able to lament. I am sure that it has not always been fun to read -- but this has been my format to pray and process as I lament to God.

I feel like my season of lament is over … yet I am not sure what the next season is… But I do know this … the Holy Spirit resides in me. The fruit of the Spirit are present in me - because the Spirit has never left - He is sealed in me. So even if I NEVER feel the Lord again - or hear Him directly - or I can't sense Him tugging at me in scripture, or receive another prophecy … or feel intimate in any way with Him … the SPIRIT lives in me. He WILL work in and through me. I can submit to the truth, I can OBEY the truth. I can read it and know the Word. I can call myself out on unloving moments - and pray for the strength of the Holy Spirit to correct me - and change me. I can believe that He will do it. Because that is what I am called to. To live out His love. His joy, and peace. His patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These things are IN me - because the Spirit is IN me.

Lord, give me strength to display Your fruit. Let them shine out of me - despite myself. Let this body be yours … let this body display You. Lament is now over - let this BODY radiate YOU. Let Love flow out - Let JOY show up on my face. Let peace prevail - let PATIENCE be who I am. Father, I want to reveal your kindness, and goodness. I want to be gentle. Let your faithfulness continue in me - let self-control reign.

Promised Land

As I came off the retreat feeling lifted I was reminded of something a friend had mentioned to me …

This friend came to Florida for a conference a couple of weeks ago, but she made it a point to come to my church Sunday morning and then grab dinner with me later that week. We went to Mac Grill … which is important - because we ended up drawing on the table - which if you don't know is totally allowed - they provide the crayons. Anyhow we had a really sweet time catching up … I told her all about what I have been through in the last 2 years … It was so good to lay it all out … to remember all the details and see how God was moving through it all. It felt good to dump it out. But what was even better was being able to minister to her. She needed perspective - she was stuck - and God allowed me to really be a help to her. I found myself writing on the table as I explained some things … we explored where her fears were hiding - and what she needed to invite God into. It was kind of magical.

But somewhere in the middle of that -- as I was sharing all my stuff -- she shared that someone at the conference mentioned that this year - this Hebrew year -- was going to usher in a year of Jubilee.

Interesting ….

I didn't even think about that too much until I was on the retreat. Our speaker was talking about the Exodus. The breaking of idols, bondage, slavery. It was so hard for the Israelites. In fact God had to kill off that entire generation because they could JUST NOT let go of their slavery. They kept longing for it. Wanting to go back.

The wilderness was given for that very reason … Caleb and Joshua and the other 10 went into the Promised Land to scope it out … but the 10 just couldn't believe that God was BIGGER than what they saw with their eyes. They said 'no' to God … they chose Egypt. So God killed them all off - in the desert for 40 years. He rose up the NEXT generation and taught them to be faithful. The only ones that got to go into the Promised Land from that generation were Caleb and Joshua. Not even Moses made that cut. NOT EVEN MOSES!

Our retreat speaker pointed out that the wilderness - the desert is a proving ground. A place of preparation. And we must submit to it if we want to be ready to receive the Land - the promises, the blessings, the place of filling. We CANNOT have the Land … without the preparation. We can not handle the blessings without it. This idea reminds me of something a friend spoke to me earlier in the summer … that this time of waiting on the Lord … is the deep breath in - before He releases me to something new. Sometimes even when we get to see the Promised Land … we still just don't get it. Seeing the very thing we thought we longed for actually reveals in us a deep brokenness that is so scary and ugly that instead of running to Jesus … we run back to what is safe.

THAT IS NOT FOR ME. I don't want safe … I WANT the Promised Land. I want REST in Jesus. It seems like the obvious choice … The Promised Land seems like its the easy choice - blessing is there, but I guess it simply isn't. We choose idolatry, and old comforts, and what is known. We don't really choose rest. We choose its counterfeit. Jesus brings real rest, risk, newness, change, and an unbelievable amount of trust. He is the one who strips us, brings to deep hard places, to the restless places, to face our longings - He reveals the thirst and hunger that just will never be met here on earth. BUT He is there in the middle of all of it - calling - telling us that HE is rest.

It's an intimacy that scares the shit out of us. Yet we all long for it. It's built into us - this intimacy - to long for it. Yet all we want is to flirt and have a sip … but Jesus wants us to drink deeply - fully. Drink it all down - accept - abide - rest in it.

I want the Promised Land.

The year of Jubilee … is a year of release. The Israelite's who had sold themselves into slavery were to be released so they could go back and claim their inheritance … their piece of the Land. And their land was to be released and given back … because their inheritance could never be permanently taken - just leased essentially - and worked in their absence. So Jubilee is meant to restore inheritance.

I think this Jubilee is meant to restore ME to my inheritance.

The Day of Atonement - the Hebrew New Year - the day that Jews used to send a priest into the Mercy Seat to sprinkle blood and atone for the sins of the whole nation each year -- just passed by last week.
Jubilee has begun. And I want my inheritance back! I want deep overwhelming intimacy back. I want my rest in Jesus.

I want the Promised Land.

I'll take it

I am wondering what's next…

A couple of weeks ago I went away on our women's retreat. I did NOT want to go … not even a little. That's not normally how I feel about these things. I usually love hanging out with women and ministering to them. But if you have read my last post … that was what I was in the middle of. I felt dead - I felt lifeless - I hating being the dark cloud everywhere I went. I was sick of explaining myself. Sick of minimizing. My husband had to force me to go. As I arrived people didn't know what to do with me. I went up and hid in my room. Everyone said I looked unhappy - pissed off. But that's not quite it … I was just done. So done with the whole God - is - silent - Dark Night of the Soul thing. I just couldn't bear it anymore …

It was very hard to shake that feeling as the retreat began. That night we sat in small groups and had to share who we are with everyone. I tried to minimize -- share as little as I could get out -- until a woman asked me to clarify what I meant by silence. Then I was there describing my Summer of Jesus … and all that came with it then I found myself describing the silence - all the stripping and the pain of the silence. The one thing that is left is a desperate need for Jesus -- I just want Him.

Not much touched me during the retreat … I really didn't expect it to. I had a couple of great conversations with the woman who was speaking … and she said to me that she had the capacity to listen to engage. I so appreciated that.

BUT then I had a conversation with a dear older lady -- NOT that much older - but older than me. She wanted to catch up and listen to what was up with me. I shared… and she pushed me to cry - to let out my tears - my longing for Jesus … it was hard - tears have been hard to gather. But in that moment - and for just a moment I let out a few. AND in that moment - something changed. Something broke. The dark cloud that I had walked in with lifted … I can't name what that was - I can't explain it --- but the weight that pushed me down was gone. A level of freedom showed up that hasn't been there in a LONG time.

And finally I felt like I could really smile. Could really laugh.

Some healing took place -- I just don't know what. But I'll take it.

resurrect me

My soul feels completely burned up with nothing left.
Even my husband said -- 'It's like I have watched you shrivel up over the past 2 years.'
There is no place inside me left hidden. Nothing that is untouched from this drought.
I am sucked dry. Burned over. Barren. Sandy. Dirt blowing in relentless wind.
Every drop of water is gone. No reservoir left. Every bit used up.
Thirsty is too small. Depressed a laugh. Hungry so far passed.
It's a soul apocalypse.
This must be what dead feels like.
Except I am more like a zombie … still walking around as the undead.

I stayed home from church just wanting quiet … and not wanting to talk to anyone. I don't want to have to lie about what I am right now. I don't want people to say dumb things … I just can't bear it anymore. Truly, I think I have prayed my last prayers today.

Last night as I fell asleep … after my husband declared some truly painful things to me. I couldn't even engage them … I couldn't feel them… they just were. I couldn't even hurt for him. So as I fell asleep, I asked God if this is the end yet … the bottom of where I needed to go. And then I remembered something I had read earlier that day … something from Mother Theresa … that if there is no joy in a soul it is because they are withholding something from God. Am I? Am I withholding something God?

This morning I listened to some worship music. I listened to Keith Green's, Rushing Wind … I listened to Jenn Johnson singing Come To Me, and Kari Jobe's, Holy Spirit and Revelation Song.

And then I prayed again in desperation wondering if I am withholding something. I realized I am holding onto my feelings. That somehow I think they are who I am. I let them go too. I mean I just don't need anything anymore - I am now officially dead. No feelings left anyway … so I let them float off with everything else I thought was me. And I prayed and let go of anything else I could think of … My husband, my kids, my house, my friends, my ministry, my church, my thoughts, my desires, my wants, my needs, my senses… what I can see, hear, taste, smell, and touch.
I gave it all to Jesus.
Everything.
So I can have Him.
I just want Him.

I don't want to withhold anything. Come fill me entirely with Your Spirit, Jesus. Father, resurrect me.

Rushing Wind blow through this temple
Blowing out the dust within
Come and breathe Your breath upon me
For I have been born again.

Holy Spirit I surrender
Take me where You want to go
Plant me by Your living water
Plant me deep so I can grow

Terraforming Prayer

The struggle continues … I stayed home last night from a meeting I should have gone to… My husband came home concerned and wanting to help me … the only thing that sounded helpful - (because I don't even know what the heck I need or want) - was to be left alone - to have nothing required of me. Did it help? … no… And instead, I just feel an anxiousness steadily rising in me …
Yet, I don't even know why. Maybe there is another spiritual battle in my future.

I listened to another Mike Bickle sermon yesterday, I wrote, I did all that I should get done at home, homeschooled … but nothing would get rid of this 'yuck' I feel. I just feel so spent, so drained. So I read again the Isaiah passage that God gave me last year … I turn to it regularly because it is the only scripture that has spoken to me in the last 2 years. It gives me hope to keep waiting … KNOWING that God WILL rescue … He will draw me out at some point.

Here it is again: Isaiah 41:17-20

17 When the poor and needy seek water,
    and there is none,
    and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
    I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
18 I will open rivers on the bare heights,
    and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
    and the dry land springs of water.
19 I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
    the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
    the plane and the pine together,
20 that they may see and know,
    may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
    the Holy One of Israel has created it.

Lord, I am feeling poor and super needy. I need to be watered by You. I am so parched - so thirsty … every bit of me is crying out - is aching - is longing for You. Thirst doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling any more … I am dehydrated -- dying of thirst.

Father, I want You to answer -- I need You to answer … I feel too weak and dead to continue. I will believe and not waver - YOU ARE here … YOU ARE at work in me … YOU HAVE NOT left me… YOU HAVE NEVER ceased to be intimate with me. This is what is true - this is who YOU are. This is what YOU have promised. It is based on YOUR character … not on me and my moments of doubt. You never change - You never lie - You keep your promises.

Father, open up those rivers!! Out of NOTHING please create life - let YOUR SPIRIT flow out of me again!! Out of the heights - FLOW! Out of the depths - the valleys - FLOW! Out of the desert - FLOW! Make my dry heart alive - may your Spirit flood me with life again!!

Plant life in me again, Father. I want to flourish, I want to be green, I want to understand our union. Remake this desert - remake my heart …. TERRAFORM me!! Grow new things in me. I need new ways to know You … the old ways seem so far away … I want to hear YOUR thoughts, the know YOUR mind, to breath in YOUR Spirit.

Lord, I want to KNOW You. I want to SEE YOU. I want to CONSIDER you anew. I want to UNDERSTAND You. Help me trust Your hand. I want to trust Your ways. I want to KNOW that You have done this … and I confess I want to know why. BUT mostly - I need to know that YOU are holy - That You are Creator and I am created. That You are GOOD and right. Help my heart to keep trusting - keep believing - to keep seeking - to keep looking - to keep hoping - to keep loving - to keep my eyes fixed on You - waiting for Your work in me to be completed. You are not done - You are not DONE. Give me more patience. Grant me more faith.

Father - may You be glorified in me. May You be pleased as You look on me thru this trial. May You be worshipped and adored … first by me - then by those who thru me - know YOU. May we fill heaven with our praise … give me more resources so that I might fill Your life with my praise. I want to worship You more - I want to put a smile on Your face and give You pleasure and joy. Jesus - I praise YOU, Spirit, I worship YOU. All of this is prayed in the name of Jesus, and through the power of the Holy Spirit, Amen.

4 days

I had to bolt out in the middle of church yesterday … I just couldn't stand to be there anymore. I definitely did not want to stand there singing - begging God to come give me the desire to want Him. That's what it all seemed to be about … and then the sermon was fine - about who to confront and judge and who not to … it was all just great - except I already know that. I could barely pay attention … and I definitely could not bear to hear another song…

I went out to my car and confessed my sin again … confessed any and all indifference, my cold heart, my not-caring-about-anything attitude of late … I confessed all those things even though I feel I can not control it even a little - in the small hope that it might unblock me. But really I begged God to take my heart out of the prison I feel like it's locked up in.

I texted a friend just because I really wanted to talk to someone who wasn't going to try and fix me, or tell me something dumb to try, or look at me with surprised or dumbfounded eyes. No one gets it …

I begged God to send me someone who gets it. I just need one.

I keep saying I am asking for the right things …right? I want intimacy with God … I want my heart to love Him wholly - fully - totally. My heart's cry is singular … Jesus. I want to worship Him. I want the eyes of my heart to focus on Him. I want my heart to wake up, so that I can engage and hear Him … so I can serve and love. Yet I feel totally absent.

My friend said she thinks I am depressed … I say I am way passed depressed. She said I don't have enough margin, that I am doing too much and I don't have enough time to recharge … BUT - I have plenty of margin … the problem is that I am NOT BEING FILLED. All my reserves - every reservoir is empty … I am completely sucked dry. Every drop has been used.

She said that God seems cruel. Yes - that is how I feel at times… But I know it can NOT be true. God cannot be cruel … He is only ever good.

So this MUST be for my good. That is the only conclusion I can come to.

This suffering He has given is for my good … and His glory.

Jesus waited 4 days before He went to raise Lazarus from the dead. 4 days the sisters suffered waiting, feeling lost and alone without Jesus, their brother dead and buried… Jesus was told earlier to go and heal him … but He waited. He said it would not lead to death but would lead to His glory - Jesus' glory. And then He came and resurrected him … Lazarus woke up and walked out of the tomb. The passage doesn't talk about anyone worshipping Him after the resurrection … only that Lazarus walked out and should be unwrapped. Mostly, the passage talks about Jesus being deeply moved, and weeping before He healed him from death.

That's the part I like … He knows that we hurt as time passes. That time has effected us. That time alone and apart from Him hurts us. And it hurts Him - that we hurt.

My 4 days has lasted for 2 years. No one has died … and my circumstances are totally fine. But I FEEL dead inside. I feel like I need to be RESURRECTED. The prison my heart is in -- is that tomb. Are my 4 days up yet?

God please

I feel as though I can write the last post all over again.

Nothing much has changed. I still feel stuck. I still can not absorb the Word. I still feel like my prayers are a vapor. I still feel numb and lifeless. I still do not know how to spend my days, my minutes, my thoughts. I feel as if I am watching my life … and when God does seem to direct its hard to know and see … it feels like I'm being herded rather then held by the hand with a guide.

I don't know how much more I can take … the post I wrote about God's smile seems so distant …

I keep begging God to give me something - anything to help…

I am worn out …

I hate feeling this way… like life is sucking away and I am not really  -- anything.

I can't love Him well. I can't love my family well. I feel useless in ministry and friendships.

I even hate writing this again. Truly I am sick of the same complaint … sharing the same lackluster story, the same 'eh' when people ask how I am. I hate it all.

God please…

purge it all

Nothing much has changed.
I still feel numb … I am still waiting.
Somedays I am fine with waiting, and some days I am not.

Last week it was hard to wait. My husband and I fought … the fight was about something else, but really it was about me not caring about anything right now. This numb indifference is hard to deal with. But I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know that it is supposed to go away.

I just want to endure this Dark Night well. I want to be where God has me … and not circumvent His plan and desire for me. I want to learn the lessons He has for me in this reality and not run from it. I want to suffer well. I want to be able to boast in my weakness. So that God may get His glory - His way. He says His grace is sufficient and I really want to believe that. So God make me believe that. I want my unbelief washed away…. the sooner the better.

Unbelief is truly the enemy of our soul … the stem of our problems. It whispers for us not to believe God's heart for us … His great love for us … or believe that His plans are not good… or that somehow He has forgotten about me. It is all a lie … it is sin for us to look these lies in the face and give them space inside of us. Purge it all, Jesus.

I give myself again to You.

His Smile

The best part of the Mike Bickle Song of Solomon series has got be learning about how much we are loved.
WE ARE LOVED. passionately. wholly. pursued. ravished. cherished.

I believe this REVELATION will completely - TOTALLY - alter me from here on out.

Here is what I mean …

I have always known that I am loved by God. That is what led me into salvation … Jesus dying on the cross for me has been a constant. Overcoming my sin and crappy, pathetic messed up life, with His death, however, didn't ever seem like a good trade for Him - but He was willing somehow - so I said 'yes'. I took the gift of salvation and claimed it, and figured I would figure out how it all fit together.

Over time I faltered in understanding this at different moments … but would always come back to it … and rest in it… but eventually only to a degree. There was always something more that I wanted - this didn't feel like intimacy but more like a transaction - I would gain eternity and a relationship with God and somehow God would get more glory … its the somehow I struggled with. Because He got me in the trade… and I was supposed to give Him more and more glory as more and more sin shed from my life. The only problem was that I was always doing the same sinful things -- like all the time. So how could He get His glory from me? So I always pictured God with a frowny face. :(   He was always disappointed - always expecting more. He was always expecting me to be more than I was/am. And then I never felt any intimacy because I knew that when we sin - fellowship is broken - intimacy is lost - I've screwed up giving Him glory and so there was no glory to be had. I was just a continual screw up.

Then I started learning about my identity in Christ… who I am because of what Jesus did. It's all right there in scripture … God doesn't see me and my sin - He sees Jesus and His perfection. Because I am in Christ I am somehow new - I am made clean - the old is gone the new is come!
I am new! I am clean because of what Christ has done!
God could finally now smile on me and call me His CHILD - I am a sister to Jesus. And I began to feel and understand what it means to be loved like a daughter. This brought some more of the intimacy that I craved. God even sealed this time with the amazing inflow of His presence and poured out a very tangible sense of His love on me. Nothing has ever been the same since then.

Then He removed His tangible love and presence, and I swung back into my old ways of thinking at first. I doubted God and His goodness. I doubted His character and His word. So God took me on a journey of faith. I learned that He does NOT lie. He is who He says He is. That He can be trusted, that His love for His children is real. That if I confess all my crap and walk into the light - I can exchange my crap for healing, peace, and a larger measure of the Holy Spirit from Him … and He gets more glory…. because now there is ACTUALLY less sin in me. That finally seemed like a good trade for Him because now I finally was beginning to 'get' it. As my mind awakened to who I am already in Christ and I then was able to glorify Him with a life more fully lived unto Him.

BUT then it changed again … since I have been in this time of silence … I have learned more real, breath-taking desire for Him. I have never wanted anything more than to be near to Him again … and my desire for intimacy with Him has grown even deeper and stronger. I just want Him. I want His glory to shine more beautifully. I want to know His mind, and His heart, I want to live more openly with Him, I want to serve with more risk. At first I think I just wanted to feel better … but that quickly changed…. and desperation for HIM came in its place. I don't know where that change took place, but it did. But I want an even deeper intimacy now … the old ways of being with Jesus no longer seem to work … but new ones have yet to appear … but I will keep on waiting until I can take hold of Him again….

That's where this Song of Solomon series comes in … Its all about coming to understand how deeply - passionately we are pursued by Jesus as His BRIDE. This is HUGE! Because this is the kind of intimacy we all crave - deep - fulfilling - God glorifying - crazy passionate love. This is where we learn that we are pursued … not just because we are pathetic creatures that need help and fixing - like a toddler that makes a mess all the time. But as a cherished one who will walk beside Jesus in heaven … head held high knowing we are His CHOSEN ones. Knowing that we ravish His heart, knowing that He sees us as beautiful, and lovely, and worth knowing! He crawled into human skin not just to fix what had gone wrong in the garden so long ago … but to free HIS BRIDE from slavery. To teach His Bride how to be free in His love and to love others. But mostly so we can LOVE Him. That is the first commandment … to love HIM. He wants our hearts to adore Him just like He adores us. He wants us free from sin … not just to right a wrong, but because He wants a companion to love and share all of creation with.

He is our Prize - Jesus is a prize worth truly seeing - He is the Bridegroom King. BUT we also are HIS INHERITANCE. We are what He is coming back for … what He has playing out in all of history to get - His Bride - His jewel - His love - His PASSION.

WOW.

Don't you see how this changes EVERYTHING!????

Now as I see myself as the companion of His heart … the one He has pursued, chased after, and won… How can I not respond with my whole life in love given over to Him? My whole existence now makes so much more sense. My desires make more sense, my actions, my sins, my idols even - have all been in the pursuit of intimacy that I did not think was attainable. That's why so much frustration and shame and guilt and mess and shit exist in our lives.

BUT now I see that He wants me too. And my love is an echo of His. As my heart is overtaken with Him and even when I love Him with the smallest of my desires and my weak intentions … THIS is what gives Him glory and makes His heart glad. This is where our service comes from … This is a God with a smile on His face…. and who is receiving the glory and adoration He deserves!

You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride;
    you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes,
    with one jewel of your necklace.
10 How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!
    How much better is your love than wine,
    and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!
SOS 4: 9-10

Stirrings

There have been a few stirrings in my spirit in the last couple of weeks.

I met this woman who I will be helping to mentor and she has an extremely strong gift of prophecy. Actually, even as we were sitting there I saw the Holy Spirit manifest Himself. She became bright red as she listened to the Spirit talk with her. Another friend was there with us and she FELT the Spirit as well. I did not… but I could see it! Then she looked right at me - not knowing me - or anything about me - and said 'You are waiting… the Lord has you waiting … it won't be much longer.' My friend who does know my story started crying and praising the Lord … she was so excited to experience the Lord like that, and was so excited for me to hear that the waiting is soon ending. Needless to say - I was SUPER excited too.

That night I felt so stirred up in my spirit… I had trouble sleeping… and my heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest. It went on like that all night and I just kept praying … praying to go back to sleep, for my heart to settle, for anyone and everyone who came to mind while I was awake! Then I felt compelled to get out of bed and lay facedown on the floor in a bow and give myself again to Jesus. I surrendered myself totally again to be His servant. To be obedient, to be open, to make Him happy, as He sees fit to lead.

Then over the next few days some old friends from college came for a visit, and it was truly easy to share with them … so I opened way up. My friend really understood and didn't try to fix me, but instead she spoke some prophecy over me as well. She told me that as soon as she heard me say that I was waiting for 2 years in this Dark Night of the Soul, that the phrase 'waiting and warring' came into her mind. She had read a book about this concept … that when God needs you to go be in a big spiritual battle … He takes His time preparing you in a long waiting period. She believed that God was preparing me for something like this.

Amidst all of this, I've been listening to a few more installments of Mike Bickle's teachings on the Song of Solomon … and they have just been fabulous. One taught me about the little compromises in my life that need to be dealt with (the little foxes of verse 2:15) so I can move into greater maturity and depth of intimacy with the Lord. I immediately of course thought about food and TV. So I am making a new concerted effort to focus once again on my food intake. I just - I mean literally!! - downloaded an APP called my symptoms and food tracker so I can tell which foods affect my fibromyalgia more than others … and hopefully as I learn along with this carb/grain/starch/sugar free diet - I will be able to amend even more of what I eat and what I don't. I've lost a couple more pounds and cut most carbs etc from my diet… but there are still healthy things that need to be added in and a few things that should come out. However, I am still going to eat chocolate!! That may never change!! But on the TV side I have chosen once again to leave it off until the evening. I just waste too much time in front of that thing. I have sensed that God may want me to lay off of it as well … but that 'sense' is weak. And in all of the silence, and noise from the enemy, and not knowing what the heck to do with myself at any given moment of any given day … TV had again taken a larger place in my life than I would have liked. I can't say I am looking for more empty silence…. but I am trying to submit. It's truly the not knowing what to do with myself part that i struggle with most … everything still feels meaningless and its hard to hone in on how best to spend my limited energy throughout the day.

new teacher

Lately, I've been waking up in a lot of pain. Fibromyalgia pretty much sucks. It causes your joints to become inflamed so they ache and hurt. So this morning was quite unpleasant.

My husband and I were just away on a retreat … so I tend to get a little more wild and free with eating while we are away. This is not to say I have been angelic or perfectly obedient to my diet when I am at home … but I have been making some progress as I steadily move toward a carb/starch/grain/sugar free diet. As much as I would love to just make a declaration over myself and pronouncing that I am over those lovely flavors … that is NOT how it has been. I usually have a bit of chocolate each day … if not a few bites of something totally yummy and sinful. So on our way down to the retreat we stumbled upon a Jamba Juice … hands down the best smoothies ever! So we decided to get one each instead of lunch. As promised it delivered a wonderful treat to my mouth. And then later that night we had room service! A delicious grilled Cuban sandwich … mmm bread… The only problem is that then I woke up the next morning I felt particularly crappy.

Then I realized in that moment - WOW - I feel like this because of what I ate yesterday! I had a ton of sugar and bread and not enough water … and the direct correlation to this food was how achy I felt. This was a huge moment. It was huge because I never understood how much food was affecting my body in this negative way. So the next morning I woke up and breakfast was provided for us at the retreat but it was a total carb fest … the only thing I could possibly eat 'safely' was an apple. BUT here's the thing … If I didn't know that the cause of my morning pain was the food I ate the day before … I would have eaten that carb fest - HAPPILY. BUT because I woke up with pain  -  I chose differently! I had the 'safe' apple… which was way less satisfying than the muffins and cereal but the next day I woke up with far less pain.

This all made me think thru my last doctors appointment. It was about a month ago. I was struggling through the 'numbness which then bled into meaninglessness' season which I had in the last few months. So my doctor wanted to put me on an antidepressant. I REALLY did not want to do that. I mean REALLY. I asked if there was anything else we could try first… he said that there was nothing that would get the job done. Then he said something I will never forget - 'I am just trying to ease your suffering.'

Well that made me really THINK!! I left there pondering that phrase. That is the very thing we are all trying to avoid. I mean who really WANTS to suffer? Not me. No one does. This is the thing we run from - and we run into our American culture and see everywhere that it is not only OK but totally acceptable to run from all things that might cause us pain. And not only running from it all, but running TO something that makes us feel better even if its just for a moment. In fact we say things like 'I deserve this' … or 'I need this' … when really it boils down to an excuse for our self-placating behaviors and addictions. I do this all the time with food and TV and a million other things … the first 2 just happen to be top on my list.

My goal CAN NOT BE to ease my suffering. Suffering instead, has to become my TEACHER. If I had chosen the easy route with the antidepressants they would have masked all of my pain. (in my case I believe they were not needed because my mood was brought on by another medication - which I also decided to end. However, I do not feel that anti-depressants are bad in any way if they are truly needed for a season.) And If I had masked all of my pain, I would have missed my opportunity to learn the correlation between my food intake and pain the following day… and my decisions would not have changed. Because I chose to allow the suffering instead of run away from it - I allowed it to train me. And how can I ever re-train myself unless I submit to a new way of doing things? Suffering then has to be a part of herding me into something new.

Who knew suffering could be so helpful? Now if only I could get to the place where I welcomed it with joy … hopefully someday that will be a post all its own.

wondering and purpose

I had one good day this last week and then got attacked by the flu. BUT that one good day - was really good. I spent a quiet morning writing and reading, reflecting and listening to the next installment of the Mike Bickle series on Song Of Solomon. It was called 'The Bride's Identity and Life Purpose (SOS 2:1-7).' This seemed pretty crazy since I was just talking with my husband the night before about my life's purpose and having no idea how I am meant to spend my time and feeling fulfilled in very little that I do (that could totally just be the dark-night-fog-brain). In fact though, I feel like God has intentionally kept me out of, and away from, a lot of different things… intentionally keeping me quiet - at least on the outside. But, the question still lingers … what AM I supposed to be doing … right now and in the future?… is there something new? Do I even need to wonder about it?

And yet I can't seem to stop wondering about it. I think that is in part due to some visions, dreams, and words of prophecy that I have received either directly or from friends. And some thoughts that I have been having lately that I am not sure are just mine or if they are from the Lord … because that dark-night-fog-brain seems to make it really hard for me to discern what is what. I've had thoughts of speaking in front of large crowds… something I am NOT a fan of… I've also had thoughts of leaving our small group and starting a seeker-study in our neighborhood…. I've also had thoughts of gathering a group of young women to teach… but I am not sure if that is me longing to FEEL fulfilled again - or if it is from the Lord. I really don't want to walk ahead of Him again. I also really want a mentor - but don't know who I am supposed to pursue - or if they are supposed to pursue me … so I end up just waiting, throwing up sporadic prayers, and wondering.

The visions, dreams, and prophecies are more clear but still leave me wondering too. The few that come to mind right now are … a dream I had before this dark night began... of me in a geisha-like costume rescuing children from a brothel. Everyone was afraid to stop me … and the next day God gave me a verse from Isaiah about being filled with the Holy Spirit and setting captives free. I think … that one is about intercession but I'm not sure. Another is a friends prayer vision about the phonograph and phonogram sitting by the shoreline of the ocean. The first has played its story while the latter is waiting to be written on - recorded… the ocean is the voice of God. Another set of visions have to do with hunger and the Wedding Supper of the Lamb … me sitting there confused at first having been brought there seeking intimacy but not understanding how or what to do to get it. But later radiant and expectant with a bowl of water and a sword in front of me. Then there was the passage in Isaiah 41 about God transforming the landscape from barren to overflowing … and He said the word 'terraforming' to me. These are all clues that make some sense, but feel like just pieces of some great big puzzle that I cannot grasp.

So all this wondering led me into this great sermon on Song of Solomon all about the Bride's purpose. It truly was the first time in a while that I felt like I could really hear something-ANYTHING speaking to me. It was all about the Bride loving the Bridegroom. It was all about how the BRIDE is the PRIZE of the Bridegroom… I know right - that is insane!! His prize - is us loving HIM wholeheartedly. That is what He MOST desires from us. Not just obedience… not just sharing the gospel… not just our acceptance of salvation … all of those are good - BUT all of them FLOW out of a wholehearted love for Jesus. Just as much as He is our prize … WE - the church - the Bride -- our HIS PRIZE!! It is that whole heart, soul, mind love -- that give it everything you are - whole guts - crazy for Jesus love - that He is after!!

I want my heart to explode with this love once again. I have had a taste of it … but man, how I want my heart to turn totally into that attention-focused-only-on-Jesus love. Wouldn't that be amazing??? I was thinking about that today in fact. I have this interior image of myself … my 'heart eyes' used to be turned totally inward and were focused on me - and what I thought - and what I wanted - what sin I wanted purged - how God needed to fix me next. And now I know where my 'heart eyes' need to be fixed … and its not just a matter of changing focus - or switching my thoughts … its an internal God change that happens - where He fixes your 'heart eyes' on Jesus - and causes you to truly SEE Him as He is - High and lifted up. BUT my 'heart eyes' are facing no where right now … they aren't focused in anymore - but they aren't focused on Jesus yet either … they are just off in the distance looking for Him to come and flip that switch which will fix my longing gaze on Jesus… and then how could I not be in love? Then I will be so in love.

confusion

Yesterday was a fine example of how perfectly fine circumstances just do not seem to matter in regards to joy and happiness.

I had breakfast with a dear woman who loves Jesus … we are getting to know one another. THEN I got a massage … which was paid for by the same dear woman as a gift for me. All of this without my kids - who were at VBS. It was a nice slow morning … nothing pressing on me.

BUT somehow I managed to come back home - all stirred up. My insides started warring again almost as if the massage stirred up all kinds of craziness in me. My conversation with the lovely woman was ringing in my ears… and it went as most conversations about Jesus go lately. Me trying and failing to communicate how this dark night of the soul feels and what it means. It's exhausting because usually no one has even heard of it let alone experienced it. And trying to explain it never really touches the reality of it… of what it's like to lose any feelings of intimacy with Jesus. It's dark and lonely. It has felt like pure torture at times. But the worst part is trying to explain what seems so unexplainable to others.

So I got home and dove into some TV. That just wasn't gonna cut it though. Then I put some music on to try and pray through it and ended up falling asleep. I truly think I needed that actually. Then as soon as I woke up I dove into my St John of the Cross - Dark Night of the Soul … one more time to try and pry out of it some helpful things to share with people. And if I am being honest, to try and help myself understand it too. Sometimes on this dark journey you get turned around and confused and begin to wonder what the heck is happening all over again. I was definitely wondering if I truly was in the dark night or if I was just stumbling around in depression.

I felt confirmed that the dark night and not just a plain-old depression is indeed where I am. I read a bunch of blogs too … most of which just think a storm or trial or depression is a dark night … it isn't. Not at all. Certainly depression does accompany it at different points … but what it boils down to … is that the dark night is a huge turning point in the faith journey.

Here is a helpful description of how it feels directly from St John of the Cross:
The darkness which the soul here describes relates, as we have said, to the desires and faculties, sensual, interior and spiritual, for all these are darkened in this night as to their natural light, so that, being purged in this respect, they may be illumined with respect to the supernatural. For the spiritual and the sensual desires are put to sleep and mortified, so that they can experience nothing, either Divine or human; the affections of the soul are oppressed and constrained, so that they can neither move nor find support in anything; the imagination is bound and can make no useful reflection; the memory is gone; the understanding is in darkness, unable to understand anything; and hence the will likewise is arid and constrained and all the faculties are void and useless; and in addition to all this a thick and heavy cloud is upon the soul, keeping it in affliction, and, as it were, far away from God. It is in this kind of ‘darkness’ that the soul says here it travelled ’securely.’

Now what is the point of it? The dark night purges the soul of sin, and stored junk, and general human crappy-ness. It is the Holy Spirit working directly on your spirit. Doing the work off purging - preparing the soul for a new understanding of our union with Christ. After all you need to get rid of crap - to make room for something new … we only have so much capacity as finite humans. The Father is drawing us toward a deeper understanding of our union with Christ … is drawing us into deeper intimacy…. a deeper love of Jesus. It is revelation that comes in a totally different way … and generally is not enjoyable. The contemplatives seem to have welcomed it because it got them more of Jesus in the end. Welcoming it though, seems like a hard place to get to here in America, where comfort and ease are our biggest idols.

Well, then as I read a bunch of blogs - I read about Mother Teresa … her dark night lasted most of her adult life! (The link to that blog post is in my previous post) And then I read another blogger who just got it - dead on … here is her link if you'd like another perspective.

http://theupsidedownworld.com/2013/09/23/how-the-dark-night-of-the-soul-is-like-a-juice-cleanse

So last night I read the Mother Teresa post to my husband and when I was done - I was encouraged and he was angry. Not at me - but at God. He said at least before the dark night began for her - she knew her purpose - what she was meant to do. You don't. That's why I am mad at God. He said that he misses how I used to be - all excited to be involved in ministry … how many would come to me in need and how happy I was to help them. I knew what I was meant to do in that context and here in our new one, it feels as if I am in this holding pattern - just not knowing where to turn, or what to do, or how to spend my time, or where I am called. And I agree with him - It has been super frustrating.

Some days it would be nice to just turn this all off and return to work - business as usual. I long for the days when feeling Jesus and hearing from Him were easy. I long for the days when my calendar was full of women to help, studies to lead, and prayers to pray. Now none of that is true and I feel like a waste of space. And my husband would say God is mis-appropriating a resource.

But God doesn't make mistakes. He has a plan…
and though I can't say I am always a fan of how this plan plays out … I want to get to the other end.

To be continued ...

Mother Teresa's dark night

This blog post on Mother Teresa's dark night of the soul was amazing.

https://gratefultothedead.wordpress.com/2011/08/24/mother-teresas-long-dark-night/#comments

She suffered for most of her ministry in India without feeling any intimacy with God. I'm pretty sure she is my new hero. Though truly I do not want that to be my story … I am thrilled to know that God did give her an abiding joy and an acceptance of her suffering. I can't wait to read her whole book.

Here is a quote from the blog:
Nothing expresses the intensity of this loss better than Mother Teresa’s own words: “Now Father—since 49 or 50 this terrible sense of loss—this untold darkness—this loneliness—this continual longing for God—which gives me that pain deep down in my heart.—Darkness is such that I really do not see—neither with my mind nor with my reason.—The place of God in my soul is blank.—There is no God in me.—When the pain of longing is so great—I just long & long for God—and then it is that I feel—He does not want me—He is not there.—Heaven—souls—why these are just words—which mean nothing to me.—My very life seems so contradictory. I help souls—to go where?—Why all this? Where is the soul in my very being? God does not want me.—Sometimes—I just hear my own heart cry out—“My God” and nothing else comes.—The torture and pain I can’t explain.”

meaningless

Truly my life feels meaningless. Not because I want to throw my life away and commit suicide or anything like that … its really not even about feeling worthless … it's that not being intimately connected to Jesus has made everything just feel pointless. I have no drive, no desire to get anything done … and this ranges from the unimportant to the important. House cleaning, cooking, decorating my fairly new house, shopping, eating, daily activities… then all the way to husband, sex, kids, home- schooling, counseling, study, reading … and the list goes on and on.

Without Jesus it all feels meaningless. Again, let me state … I KNOW He is always with me, I know He is at work in me, I know He has a plan, I know He is intimate with me … even though I can NOT sense Him.

But I am talking about what I am experiencing. And my experience quite frankly sucks. It is devoid of life. It is missing what matters. I am missing Jesus.

He informs everything…. or at least He should. Being intimate with Him makes all of life matter. Can I still do the dishes to His honor and glory even now … yup I can … but it doesn't feel like I am. Can I still show love and kindness to my family … yup I can - tho I feel like I am forcing it because I don't want to hurt anyone …

I don't feel truly alive. I can not smile deep down. I can't enjoy my kids. I can barely participate in sex. Everything feels stripped down and sucked dry. There is no zest, no spark. Everything feels empty without knowing God's thoughts, without hearing scripture echo in my mind, without a stirring of the Spirit inside, without sensing prayer needs. It's like my mind is stuck in-between 2 pages of a story and all I can see is white.

That word meaningless made me turn to read Ecclesiastes … again nothing truly stirred but I saw a reflection of how I feel:
Ecc 2:24 There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God, 25 for apart from him who can eat or who can have enjoyment? 26 For to the one who pleases him, God has given wisdom and knowledge and joy, but to the sinner he has given the business of gathering and collecting, only to give to one who pleases God. This also is vanity and a striving after wind.

and a quote in a Piper sermonette:

Unless God gives me God ... Unless God shows me himself ... Then I am going to be unhappy for all of eternity. - Piper

Yup, that's how I feel.

miss YOU

I just miss You.
My heart aches for you every morning when I wake up
I ask 'will this be the day?'
I cry out your name 'Jesus' as I open my eyes
That is all I have left to pray.

All day long I move without purpose.
I don't know what I am supposed to do
I look and seek
I find that nothing satisfies.

I want to love but feel too lifeless to give
I want to rejoice but feel too sad
I want to cry but tears do not come
I want to sing but my voice breaks.

By evening I am exhausted and spent
I fall onto my bed having wasted the day
I hurt from not hearing
I hurt from not being near.

I just miss You.
But all I feel is
wait
wait
wait.

today

I'm pretty sure everything I wrote yesterday … stayed IN yesterday.

Today I just feel like crap. I want to feel something other than numb or depressed. I want to feel joy. I want to feel fulfilled. I want to smile again and mean it deep down. I want to hear Jesus' voice in my ears. I want to feel His presence burning in my chest. I want to do something - anything that feels awesome. Homeschooling and house keeping feels like a whole lot of crap to me… and I don't want it anymore.

Can I run away from home … away from myself?

Everything is lifeless. My 17th wedding anniversary is tomorrow… eh. Sex this morning was awful. Not because my husband is lacking anything - but because I am barely present.

I can not conjure up anything resembling real guts, heart or feeling. Because if I could I wouldn't be writing any of this!!

Why why why why why!???!!

I can't answer that entirely …  I just know I hate it. Today I hate it all.

really weird invitation

This past month has been busy! We've had so much company at our house. We traveled quite a bit. Our niece graduated from High School, our daughter got baptized. I went away on a retreat. I am exhausted.
Busy doesn't tend to suit me. I can manage in the middle of it, but I hate not having a chance to reflect and be quiet.

In all the flurry, all I want to do is sit quietly and read, but I rarely get a chance for that as my mind rushes to the next thing. So this past weekend at a retreat I got a few minutes at least to reflect and worship with other women. Not exactly quiet - but FUN and refreshing in another way.

We watched the sunrise, and sunset together, and walked on the beach, and just hung out and had great conversations. As we did all of this I actually felt the presence of God. I haven't felt His presence in months…. MONTHS! It was so amazing to feel near again even if just for the weekend. A friend of mine put it very well … for the last 2 years any moments I have had with the Lord have been like a vapor. Here for a moment - gone in the next.

I shared some of my struggle with the ladies there … and many wanted to pray over me after our meeting. I sat in a chair with their hands on me as they asked the Lord to lead me and fill me with His mind and spirit while I journeyed in all of this silence. It's funny though most people felt more badly for me than I feel right now. Numbness still prevails, but I also know He is at work and that it is a work of healing … Oh and of course!! that I need to wait!! It's new but, I have been rather content to wait in the more recent days. I am not saying its fun … but at least now I know what it is. My prayer … truly the only thing that came to my mind in the midst of their prayers was just this:

That the eyes of my heart would focus themselves totally on Jesus and away from myself … and that I would receive the mind of Christ in union with Him … and that while I wait … That I will remain patient.

That's truly what I want now. I just want intimacy. I want my eyes to turn away from myself, and my thoughts, and my ideas, and my internal mess and all my sin. I want to focus in on Jesus and really fix my gaze on Him … and not have it be this continual act of reminding myself -- like an outward push to look … but have it be just where the eyes of my heart and mind turn naturally.

I think in the beginning I wanted to be near … not just because I was with Jesus … but because it feels good to be near. I missed him when He wasn't manifesting his presence … but I also missed the lift in my spirit that I received as a result. Now, I think!, I will take intimacy in any form that Jesus chooses for me. I think … maybe. I don't know if I really want to suffer through months of tears again any time soon … but who knows … if He was speaking to me through it  - perhaps I would.

I want to know his heart and mind. I want to understand His thoughts. I want to pray His prayers. I want to understand our union. I want to be with Jesus. Its probably not too different than when the silence began … except I feel more at peace with whatever God brings to me. Waiting seems tolerable now. Trusting His heart toward me feels easier. Knowing that His will is better than mine is easier to grasp. There is less wrestle and struggle inside. Less doubts that need to be combated. There is less anger at God for the conditions and circumstances that he has me in. Pruning feels like a good thing. Silence feels like it is no longer an indictment of sin and more like a really weird, hard to understand, invitation into something totally new and different.

And that seems good to me.

anesthesia

Still feeling numb … but I guess that's OK. At least I'm not weeping everyday like I did last November/December. That REALLY sucked. I had a friend read my last post and send this email to me:

As I read and prayed... I kept thinking, "Physicians numb their patients for merciful reasons." Yes, I know numbness many times is used as a way of coping, but I also know that when an anesthetic injection is deposited where our nerve is located, we're being protected from the intense pain that would otherwise rock our world! It's my experience that when all the feelings return after coming out from under Jesus' anesthesia that much of the reorienting and reformation of my emotions and desires came under the care of my Spiritual Therapist, the Holy Spirit, like that of a physical therapist. Healing addresses the place where spiritual surgery was performed and it addresses the recovery from the surgery, which includes how it affected my desires and emotions. Anesthetics can suppress a lot: naturally and supernaturally. 

I was truly grateful for her words because most people just nod their heads sympathetically and have no clue what is happening to me and in me. She reminded me too, that this is the life of a prophet… being misunderstood. As much as I know that people want to understand and are seeking to know me… it does not change the simple fact that it is hard to continually live in this space.

The Lord did tell me before this numbness set in that the next thing He was going to do in me was reform my feelings. So now in this time of not feeling anything … It's nice to know what He is specifically up to in me. 

Having a Spirit on spirit surgery is unlike anything I've ever gone through before … these 2 years of silence and now numbness have been painful and so confusing. But just like any surgery … if there is a promise of real healing on the other end, I am glad I am getting the work done. So at least during the numbness - healing is happening … and when my heart finally wakes up … I will once again be able to feel the Lord and understand - I HOPE! - at least some of what He has been up to inside me. And that will be truly glorious.

numb

I'm really not sure what to write. Not much has changed since I last wrote.

I still feel numb…. like I have no feelings. Though I am glad to have a break from the really dark part of this darkness and feel like I've gotten to come up for a little bit of light … healing still seems a ways off. The Lord has spoken a bit and explained a few things to me. But I still can't sense His presence or hear Him in the Word etc… My numb feelings make it hard to really enjoy anything, or be sad about anything … there are no guts to my emotions. I think of all those suffering in Nepal and think … that's sad … but have no real reaction. A friend tells me something gut wrenching … and no reaction. A friend sits with me on the couch as I tell her what is stirring in me - or rather what is not stirring - and she is crying, and I simply can't. I used to cry ANY time anyone else cried or was hurting. Now I can't muster up any feeling for anyone.

But I feel numb about all things right now, counseling, sex, my kids, reading, practicing piano, taking care of my house, decorating, church … just about everything. Its actually exhausting to feel this numb,  all I want to do is sleep.

The Lord did tell me He wanted to reform my feelings. That it was the next thing He would be working on. Perhaps my emotions are locked up for now while He is working on my spirit with His Spirit. Truly, I am not sure. But, if He is, than at least I can be a bit hopeful that something good is happening beneath my surface.

In the middle of all of this I am still on the 'barely calorie' diet. I am in the home stretch. Less than a week I go back to my Doc and get to find out if I can move to phase 2. Which is still no carbs/starches/sugars BUT includes way more choices of meat, EGGS, veggies, cheese and fats. Mayo is calling my name! I hope I have lost enough and that my insulin level is down enough because I am struggling. I am starving, and sick of leafy lettuce things, and dreaming about donuts or other lovely sweet things on a fairly regular basis. The numbness seems to help a bit in this area … because my desire to cook or do anything in the kitchen is simply gone too … so at least I don't have to think or care much about food either.

As I sat with a friend (an older lady! Praise God for that!) the other day … and told her my struggle… she cried for me. She said she would pray for me. And she encouraged me to be thankful for all that God has given me already. To be joyful for the extreme passion and privilege He has given me to be able to pray as I have, be intimate with Him as I have, to minister the way that He has allowed in the past. I said I don't think I can muster up a true joy … but I can at least remember and be thankful… even if it is just a mental assent. It is obedient and in line with scripture. She encouraged me also that even though the Word feels dead … that it never turns up void. Very true! So someday all this that felt numb and like meaningless steps … GOD will USE. I am thankful for that… even if its just a mental assent.

food hope

AHhhh… another diet. In the midst of this dark night I must also submit to a new diet plan.

Here's what's been happening is this area of my life… Every time I share what is happening with my life with people who really don't get it ( they are super well meaning and are praying for me ), they tell me I should go see a doctor. This of course is frustrating to me … because when it comes down to it I know this is spiritual and NOT medical. BUT, when I went to go visit my good friend in Alabama,  whose husband has been suffering with an unknown affliction for months, I thought it just couldn't hurt to know what is going on with me physically as I suffered spiritually. It boiled down to finally feeling released and encouraged by God to go and do it. I hate going to see the doctor … so many bad things have happened that I will not name here.

Anyhow, I prayed about who to go see and felt like it was good to go see this Doctor from our church. He prayed a prophecy over me last fall, we've had dinner with he and his wife, and I knew he was medical, holistic, and godly. I knew he would really listen to me.

So I went. And I told him I hate to go to the doctor and why … and then I listed out 20 things that hurt on my body. I couldn't believe when I made that list in advance! I literally live with at least 20 things that hurt every day!? It's crazy to me that I have been living like this for so long. He agreed that indeed I am living with a lot of pain and it shouldn't have to go on. After, the LONG list, he looked up and declared that I had fibromyalgia. Just like that. Wait, what? I said -- 'you can just declare that - just like that?' And he said that I had the classic presentation. Hmmm. OK.

Now I have to get all kinds of blood tests and go on special diets to clean out my gut and fix my immune system. I had a special blood test called the ALCAT to test for food sensitivities. Nothing significant came up there actually … but my blood work did. I had an insulin level of 30 … its supposed to be like a 5 or 6 … my doctor was very concerned and said it had to come down now. I am on a ton of supplements now and a few meds and I am on a barely calorie diet for the next month. 500-600 a day. I fast thru breakfast and eat lettuce/and or veggies and a tiny bit of meat for both lunch and dinner. The list of things I can eat is pretty dang minimal.

But at least I know why I am always hungry, and crave carbs non stop. Its the insulin level. My doctor said that essentially to MY body all starches, carbs, sugars etc … are like alien food. Its as if I went to Mars to try and eat. He told me I would more than likely never be able to eat much of them again. SAD  face here for no more cookies! My body over reacts to carbs/starches/sugars and sends out WAY too much insulin and that insulin then stores all the food away as fat for later (this is why I gain weight so dang easily). But my body then is malnourished and wants more food all the time because its not really getting any (this is why I am hungry ALL the dang time). And the easiest food to feed starving cells is …. you guessed it sugar (so this is WHY I crave carbs ALL the dang time!). Its a vicious cycle. The more I feed it what it says it wants - the less heathy I become. This is sin at its worst people!! Even our physical bodies are so steeped in sin that they don't know what the hell to do anymore!

So I have been on my diet for a week now and lost 8 pounds. I don't know my start weight … because I really want this to be about getting healthy. I know putting on smaller clothes and looking better will be an added benefit - but I'm trying not to focus on it.

I know the reason for all of this … is to prepare me and my body for what God is bringing next. I'm pretty sure that will be fasting intercession. What I will be praying for is less clear … But I am excited to do what God calls me to. I am excited to see how He will use me. And I am already excited to know that all that business of dealing with my shame last Fall was in part for this. To free me from the roots of this sins that helped me perpetuate this cycle of eating to please myself. Now when my Doctor told me I can't really ever have carbs again - aka Christmas cookies, Cheesecake etc etc … I didn't clench inward - thinking to myself - there is NO WAY. This time … it actually feels possible. Like God is making the way to be truly free.

The Dark Night

The Wall … or The Dark Night of the Soul … is supposed to be hard. It's supposed to be confusing, and long, difficult, gut-wrenching, soul ripping, dark, mysterious work.

It is the stripping of the old ways. The former nature that we cling to. The old kingdom. It is self being dealt with… but not in the usual ways … the ways that we have been used to.

The usual ways of dealing with sin consists of, a revealing of some kind. Scripture speaks to us and we are convicted. A friend says something and we are convicted. A pastor speaks from the pulpit and we are convicted. We struggle against it sometimes, and other times it's easy to see. We confess our sin. In a group, with a friend, or on our own. It is done and forgiven. We pray for the Spirit to inhabit that old place. We pray for new understanding and belief. We practice the new ways. It's a process, and it is often hard. Sometimes the Lord allows it to be easy - but not usually. This is the usual way… a generalization for sure… but this is how it has been for me up until about 2 years ago.

Then suddenly I moved - physically - we moved homes, states, churches. But God moved me spiritually too. He had me all to Himself quite literally. I knew no one - not really anyway - who lived nearby. I felt alone except for my family. My husband was super busy finding his way in a new job and even I had a new job (homeschooling) -- which kept me isolated even more.

I thought it was a perfect time to become even more intimate with the Lord… except then He stopped speaking. And He plugged up my spiritual ears as well. Everything went quiet. I felt alone, abandoned, and buried under a mile of dirt.

I KNEW He was still there. I KNEW that He loved me. But all my experiences and feelings and daily life felt dull and spirit-less. I struggled against despair, and depression, anger, my idols … and felt helpless to solve any of the problems inside and out. I cried out to God daily - aching for His nearness - or really any response.

Now I know that this is all a part of the Dark Night. The stripping of my outward sense of the Lord. It FEELS like abandonment … BUT really it is the beginning of the deeper work… an internal work from The Spirit directly to my spirit.

As the darkness has continued it seems to have become even more stifling. This is true even though at times - rare moments - He has allowed me to hear Him directly, or through a friend. He had me look at the deepest hole I was hiding within myself … a deep hole of shame I didn't know was dictating much of how I lived my life. I cried more during those months I think than all my previous tears put together. It sucked. And even still I don't feel completely healed.

I guess I don't feel healed because there is more to come. Even a month ago I would have outwardly moaned at that thought. Now the Lord at least has given me a glimpse of what it is I am undergoing, and that seems to make the whole thing more bearable at least for now. As I read St. John of the Cross' book, 'The Dark Night of the Soul', I gather that it gets even worse … but that there are moments of peace interspersed to get refreshed from the Lord before you go into the darkness again. Though I don't relish the thought of going dark again … at least I now know a little of what the Lord is up to during the mysterious inner work. He is purging sin. He is cleansing out to the deepest roots. He is making more room for the deepest connection - a true depth of revelation about our union with Christ.

Oh to be fully known and to know … to be free of self and be able to worship with total abandon! To be so intimate with Jesus to be encapsulated with Him. To be ushered into fellowship with the Trinity!
I know these things are already true of all believers … but to comprehend it is another thing entirely! To have it revealed to the core of my soul and feel it - to be able to truly express my love and joy in the Lord back to Jesus from the very depths of my new self. Truly, I can't wait.

so many BOOKS!

I've read a few books recently and am on a fourth.

The first was 'The Healing Gifts of the Spirit' by Agnes Sanford. I enjoyed her spunk and many of her stories and straight forward approach to scripture and healing. There were a few moments that seemed weird but I am unsure if I misunderstood them or if they were just plan outside of normal … but none the less I was encouraged to pray for healing for myself and others. I have been feeling led to pray over people and sometimes don't know 'how' to ask for healing … and this helped with some simple tips and lots of encouragement.

The second was 'The Critical Journey' by Janet Hagberg and Robert Guelich. This was a fascinating book on the stages of our faith. The women I met at the creativity conference had told me about it. She had listed out the stages and gave me a picture/word illustration for each of the stages. So then I got the book and was super excited to read some of the very things I have felt in this particular stage I am in.

Here are the stages:

Stage 1 - The Recognition of God
                This describes coming to faith … seeing your need … grasping the gospel

Stage 2 - The Life of Discipleship
                This describes learning in your faith … being taught by leaders … digging into the Word

Stage 3 - The Productive Life/Service
                This describes going out and living out the service that you were made for … being                 productive in the Kingdom - just getting a lot done

Stage 4 - The Journey Inward
                This describes a dramatic shift from the first 3 stages to the next. Its a time of confusion … of      learning things deeper than you have before. Lots of questions … lots of struggle. A movement toward deep healing and soul change.

     The WALL (part of stage 4)
      This is the time where healing happens … usually in your depths and usually you do not get to be privy to it. God is at work. It is a hard place to be. You feel stuck and useless… but the if you submit to the work being done - healing comes at the end.

Stage 5 - The Journey Outward
               This can look a lot like stage 3 - getting a lot done …. but its done from a whole new place of internal rest and peace on the inside with the Lord. He has healed and changed and now you get stuff done in His time and in His way - submitted to Him.

Stage 6 - The Life of Love/Intimacy
               This is an understanding of your Union with Christ … fully knowing You are His Bride. You are filled and overflow with the Spirit and you give and give without being bothered by the sacrifice. You know who you are and you know the mind and will of Christ freely and easily.

All of the stages are good and necessary. It is a progression just as getting older is. Although it is possible to stop in this process and not move ahead. In fact, it says in the book, that most do not move past stage 3 … and that that is where most churches are encouraging people to end up … because once you are serving - you are an active participant in the Body….. The only problem is - THERE IS SO MUCH MORE!!!


As much as I loved being in Stage 3 - because it feels awesome to get stuff done and see God move through you in amazing ways! I am not there anymore! And its good and OK to be moving to the next thing God is calling me into. It felt crazy amazing to read about the WALL - because I am smack dab in the middle of that freakin' thing. I finally felt like someone understood where I am and had encouraging things to say about it. And even more encouraging to know that at the end of this long journey in the wall - God WILL heal!!! And even though I may not understand it all - or even explain it all - God is at work - deep under my surface - effecting big change. Whew!!

The Third book was 'Hinds Feet In High Places' by Hannah Hurnard. I had never read this before even though its a Christian classic. I really liked it. It's an allegory in case you didn't know. It had many beautiful mind pictures for our journey with Christ that I will continue to think about. But - and here is my BUT, I felt that the journey lacked any real agony, or true picture of inward struggle. And whenever Much-Afraid called on Jesus - He came to her aid immediately and talked her down from her whiney ledge. Now I believe that God answers us when we call - but sometimes He makes us WAIT! And for a long time. And the journey takes a LONG time … this seemed to be a little too breezy.
But at the end of her book - at least in my copy - were her journals from a trip to Switzerland that inspired the book. I loved reading those as well -- super awesome to hear from anyone who heard from the Lord in such a profound way.

The book I am reading currently, 'The Dark Night of the Soul' by St. John of the Cross. So far this has been AMAZING. This describes The Wall … with so much depth and accuracy - wow. And the wall - or the dark night he says leads to a fuller understanding and living out of our UNION with Christ. That is the journey that the Lord has set me on for the last bunch of years … and now I am in the darkness trying to submit to that deep work within…. SO THAT I can live totally encapsulated inside my union with Christ. I asked for this … He has answered … He is still answering. Praise Jesus. Now I just need to keep submitting.