gold

Soooo stuck at the bottom. Over my head in mud and shit.

This past week has been a firestorm of depression, and PMS, and self hatred. It was my husband's 40th Birthday on Sunday (which means mine is coming in January) and I could barely contain tears all day. At one point I couldn't contain them at all, and hid in my closet to weep quietly while my husband and kids decorated the tree. I don't even know what they were for … but I could not stop... I am just sad all of the time. And it would seem - there is nothing to be done about it.

I keep going over and over it all again in my head. Looking for sin, looking for unbelief. Am I coming before the Lord enough, reading enough, looking at scripture? Am I praying enough … for myself, for others? Am I being grateful? Am I trying to eat well - or well enough? Am I getting enough exercise? Listening to enough worship music? Am I presenting myself to the Lord enough?

How much is enough?

I truly don't know.

I am doing all the things I should do. Maybe not as much as I should, but I am still doing them. I do it all, even though I get no return from it. I don't feel engaged or enriched spiritually or even intellectually. I don't feel closer to the Lord or closer to any answers as to the 'why' of all of this.

I just feel stuck… shame and self-hatred are still surrounding me. And I have no answers, no leads, no where to go.

I met with a friend yesterday just to talk it all through … spilled it all out … and even she was at a loss. She did suggest I hire a maid to keep the rest of my life in order during this time ( which seemed like a great idea to me :) ) but alas my husband did not think it such a great idea.

I just have to wait.
I just have to wait.
I JUST HAVE TO WAIT.

i just have to wait

I just read this in Job today and at least I could relate:

“Behold, I go forward, but he is not there,
    and backward, but I do not perceive him;
on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him;
    he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.
But he knows the way that I take;
    when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.
My foot has held fast to his steps;
    I have kept his way and have not turned aside.
I have not departed from the commandment of his lips;
    I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food.
But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back?
    What he desires, that he does.
For he will complete what he appoints for me,
    and many such things are in his mind.  Job 23:8-14

I guess in the waiting, as I can keep reminding myself that HE must rescue, HE must reveal, HE must change me… that when He is done testing me … I will come out as GOLD.

Gold.

I don't even really care about me being gold as much as I long for intimacy with Jesus again. Being gold would be nice - though I can't truly imagine it. But to hear Him again, feel Him near… that is what I want.