come supersede

The crying has continued. On Monday we had a party to go to and I had to get dressed up. But nothing fit … and I felt ugly and awful. I didn't want to go … I wanted to stay home but my husband wouldn't let me… he was gentle but wouldn't let me go curl up in bed and watch TV. On the car ride to the party tears just steamed down my face the whole time.

The feelings of ugliness are just the beginning thoughts that led me to cry. I dwell on them for even the shortest minute and they seem to unleash something deeper inside. Then all I want to do is hide. No way did I want to go to a party to be seen by people and answer the dreaded question, ' How are you? ' It seems that people ask that question in kindness and yet thoughtlessness. They want the conversation to continue past - 'fine' and 'good' - to the happenings of life. But I can't be dishonest about what is happening in life right now - it would be such a lie! So I answer the seemingly benign question with, 'not good… but that's fine - How are YOU?' But they in their niceness - always follow up to my 'not good' answer, and ask more questions which just make the tears flow out more. Then they really don't know what to do! They ask 'why' and it's all too much to talk about … truly too much… so I tell them it's too much and just say it's a spiritual problem … and they end up saying they will pray for me… and the conversation finally moves on. Ahhh relief. At least relief from answering what are supposed to be the easy questions in life.

On that car ride to the party I just kept wondering when God would come and rescue me from myself. When will His thoughts supersede my own? When will His thoughts matter to my heart more than my own? I can try and cram scripture in … but it doesn't speak to me now. I can try and pray against unbelief … but I have and yet the tears still come. I have prayed against fear … and yet I still wake up anxious. I have prayed for deep healing … yet I still wait. NOT because I want to stay like this … because nothing could be further from the truth. I want this done … healed … I am sooooo ready to move on.

So what I keep coming back to … is that God wants me here. In this. This place of desperate tears, desperate need, desperate for Him.

I don't understand why… but what else is to be said. I wouldn't be here if He didn't want me here… not after all the praying and searching and listening I have put into this. He is allowing Satan to have his way and attack me. Thankfully, it is not like Job - who lost all of his kids and livelihood. Though I suppose there could still be more to come … but for some reason I feel assured of God's protection on that. BUT attack has come … it was easy to fend off attacks about bulimia, and anorexia, and suicide. Those were obvious to see and shoot down. The ones that are really hard … believing that I am favored by God… Just like Mary was. The angel came to her and called her favored one. Also, that He counts me worth it. Worth the effort to come to earth… when no one else would have, even though my parents  didn't count me worth it to say or do much of anything right. Or to remember that I am dearly loved by Him. I feel loved in the overall - He is my Savior - I am forgiven way. But not in the - YOU are MY bride and My Beloved - kind of way. That is way harder to believe.

I continually confess these hard to believe things … and I keep waiting for Jesus to come and supersede  my thoughts with His. I am waiting for revelation … waiting for that moment when I will just KNOW that He is right. IT WILL be glorious!

He has already done everything for me … It is finished - all of it. Now I just have to wait for it to unfold in this process of sanctification. Waiting is hard. BUT it WILL be GLORIOUS!

This song below has been the only one to touch my dull soul in this Christmas season … it speaks to my great longing for Jesus to come.

Glory Be

It was the longest night, the world was waiting
Eager for the light, the world was waiting
O come, come Messiah
Sing for joy, all the earth, Messiah’s come to set you free!
Join the angels in their song
Glory Be Glory Be

It was the longest night, my heart was waiting
Hallelujah, the Lord of life has come
To reconcile the nations to their God
Hallelujah, he’s coming back again
To finish was began at Bethlehem
O Come, Come Messiah
Hallelujah

gold

Soooo stuck at the bottom. Over my head in mud and shit.

This past week has been a firestorm of depression, and PMS, and self hatred. It was my husband's 40th Birthday on Sunday (which means mine is coming in January) and I could barely contain tears all day. At one point I couldn't contain them at all, and hid in my closet to weep quietly while my husband and kids decorated the tree. I don't even know what they were for … but I could not stop... I am just sad all of the time. And it would seem - there is nothing to be done about it.

I keep going over and over it all again in my head. Looking for sin, looking for unbelief. Am I coming before the Lord enough, reading enough, looking at scripture? Am I praying enough … for myself, for others? Am I being grateful? Am I trying to eat well - or well enough? Am I getting enough exercise? Listening to enough worship music? Am I presenting myself to the Lord enough?

How much is enough?

I truly don't know.

I am doing all the things I should do. Maybe not as much as I should, but I am still doing them. I do it all, even though I get no return from it. I don't feel engaged or enriched spiritually or even intellectually. I don't feel closer to the Lord or closer to any answers as to the 'why' of all of this.

I just feel stuck… shame and self-hatred are still surrounding me. And I have no answers, no leads, no where to go.

I met with a friend yesterday just to talk it all through … spilled it all out … and even she was at a loss. She did suggest I hire a maid to keep the rest of my life in order during this time ( which seemed like a great idea to me :) ) but alas my husband did not think it such a great idea.

I just have to wait.
I just have to wait.
I JUST HAVE TO WAIT.

i just have to wait

I just read this in Job today and at least I could relate:

“Behold, I go forward, but he is not there,
    and backward, but I do not perceive him;
on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him;
    he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.
But he knows the way that I take;
    when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.
My foot has held fast to his steps;
    I have kept his way and have not turned aside.
I have not departed from the commandment of his lips;
    I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food.
But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back?
    What he desires, that he does.
For he will complete what he appoints for me,
    and many such things are in his mind.  Job 23:8-14

I guess in the waiting, as I can keep reminding myself that HE must rescue, HE must reveal, HE must change me… that when He is done testing me … I will come out as GOLD.

Gold.

I don't even really care about me being gold as much as I long for intimacy with Jesus again. Being gold would be nice - though I can't truly imagine it. But to hear Him again, feel Him near… that is what I want.