the bottom

The night that I finished my last post … I cried and then I cried out to God that He would finally put words to the shame I have felt and buried for so long. The pain had grown so unbearable. A weight on my chest, pain in my stomach, an ache all over … physical pain, actual physical pain from such an intangible thing.

I went over the things I wrote again and again wondering what it all was speaking to me … what I buried in my heart as a result of everything. These were the words the Lord help me find:

I am just not worth it.

At the end of each next bad thing I wrote down … I could put these words - I am just not worth it. When my mom had an affair, when my parents decided to separate, when my parents refused to explain anything to me, when sex was had in the room where I slept, when I considered suicide…. It was all because I believed that I was just not worth enough to anyone for them to actually stop the insanity they were causing.

I was not worth it to my Dad who never expressed love to me. Who never told me that he wanted me to stay with him. Who never forgave me Mom and fought for our family.

I was not worth it to my Mom who seemly didn't take me or my brothers in account of ANY of her decisions. Did she think about me when she had an affair? Or when she moved me out of my Father's home? Did she think about me when she welcomed a new man into our home? Did she think about me when she never explained anything that was happening to me?

So in my heart I concluded … that I am just not worth it.


What now? When I finally got the words - there was a huge relief and I was able to finally drift off to sleep and stop crying. I prayed for healing… but is that all I should do? I really don't know.

The next day was Sunday and I managed to drag myself and my kids out of the house and get to church. What I really wanted was to stay in bed and make the day disappear again with cookies and TV.  While I was there I desperately avoided eye contact and any real conversation. I could hardly keep myself from crying over nothing. And then my husband texted me. He had been out of town for all of this drama and had caught up on reading my blog. He wrote me some very sweet words and I cried again. Later that day we had small group and was grateful there was no real opportunity to share … because I knew from being at church that I might burst into tears.

So how do I make it go away? Or rather how will God make it go away? I know shame is NOT supposed to rule my whole life like it has … and that this journey is about healing it … but what does that look like?

No real answers yet in that regard … but I am hopeful that I have hit the bottom and that there is really no where to go but UP from here.