One night out with my Dad and my brothers (I was either in late 6th grade or early 7th), I overhear from my vantage point in the backseat a conversation that my older brother and Dad are having… I have no idea the particulars… only that this was the first time I heard why my parents were separated. I OVERHEARD that my Mom had had and affair. No one sat down with me and explained anything - once again. BUT, now I had someone to blame for my misery. At that instant, bitterness grew in my heart toward my Mother and for the next 8 to 10 years I treated her with utter contempt. She was always on the receiving end of my angry tirades. The anger was never direct - but about everything else in life. Like not having enough clothes, or being fat, or not buying the right this or that, being late … it didn't matter - I was just angry about it all - and she got to feel it too. Now not only did I have the shame of my parents impending divorce but the shame of a Mother who had sinned so terribly against my Dad and me and my brothers.
Shortly, after this my Mom started dating more seriously one man in particular. I, of course, didn't really know about it, because again I wasn't told. But, later found out they had met at some school meeting or something like that. I don't remember him coming around for too long before his things just started appearing around the house. Then, before I knew what was happening he just lived there. Again, no discussion was had. He was just suddenly and irrevocably living in my house. It was like I was struck dumb. I didn't know HOW to say anything. Plus, then I would have to admit to the wound I was carrying around that I continually denied was there. This meant too, that more offenses were being piled on my mother. Not only was divorce in our family, but my mother had an affair, and now she was having another one and flaunting it for the world to see. I hardly know what to say even now. The selfishness and sheer lack of concern for her children and her marriage to my Dad, is astounding.
Then it got worse. My younger brother and I could hear them having sex, gosh is seemed like all the time. We lived in an older home and the doors didn't always close tightly, and many times walking by I could SEE them having sex. And then to make it even worse one time when we had guests over, they gave their room to the guests and bunked in with my brother. They had sex in his room once they thought he was asleep. He wasn't. The next night my scarred brother slept in my room. Then while on vacation sharing a hotel room with 2 double beds and no divider whatsoever, my brother and I awoke to the sound of sex being had in the bed next to ours. Once again, anger just erupted like a volcano inside of me. My younger brother, however, was less good at hiding it. He started acting out in destructive ways… vandalism and running away… and was eventually got caught in some of that. He then moved out and moved in with my Dad. Even though I KNEW why he left… it still hurt that he was gone - he was my ally. We were always close before this … and now nothing between us was the same again.
As things got worse at home, they were also bad at school. The dreaded days of Jr High were upon me. The big gaping wound I carried and tried to keep hidden was a huge burden. Depression, and self-hatred set in, which of course, makes school unbearable. My body couldn't recover like it had when I was younger when I ate a bag of chips or a whole tray of brownies and so weight piled on even more. I was never a beast, but I wasn't skinny either. There were a couple of badly chosen haircuts in an attempt to make me feel better that instead failed. Finally, I felt invisible just like I wanted, it however, didn't turn out like I planned. I even remember not answering to my own name in the hallways. There was a popular girl with the same name - and since they usually wanted her, I ignored my own name. That didn't work for me one time when I was caught not responding to a popular girls yells in my direction. Ugg. I couldn't win. She did actually need me for something. But, usually, I was ignored. During english class I sat between the 2 most popular boys. I sat with my head down and they talked through me like I wasn't there. I heard LOTS of gossip that way… but really had no one to share it with. Invisible wasn't what it was cracked up to be… I ached everywhere all the time from the wound that no one saw.
During that time I seriously considered suicide. I thought about running into the woods and overdosing on everything in the medicine cabinet. This was encouraged regularly by voices that I heard in my head. The voices in my head I thought at that time, were just me going crazy. It was just more evidence that I was worthless. Now I know that they were demons preying on the sorrow and depression of a young girl. But at the time they confirmed what I already believed. That I was ugly, worthless and unwanted.
I got saved when I was 16. Through friends who pursued me despite my bitterness and unbelief.
By the middle of my senior year, I found out that my parents had gotten divorced months earlier and didn't tell me or my brothers. And that my Mom remarried within the same month and didn't tell me or my brothers. Again, I have no words for this continual betrayal with silence.
By the latter part of my freshmen year of college things with my mother had grown unbearable. I outwardly hated her. The Lord told me to forgive but I felt she deserved my rage. In the end, The Lord got His way through much prayer and tears. I wrote her a letter outlining much of what I have written here. She wrote back and explained a lot of things to me that I had never understood. I forgave and let go. I tried to rebuild our relationship. And over many years, it has become filled with love and kindness again.
But apparently, the shame has never left. I just keep adding to the pile of - ugly, worthless and unwanted. Any new offense just gets added in. It doesn't matter from who.
I remember a time when my Dad called me a bitch in front of my brothers.
A time in college - at Bible college no less - that I had to eat late and I sat at the 'wrong' table. The group who sat down eventually were apparently extremely bothered by my presence and proceeded to talk about me as if I wasn't there. Made fun of me. In one guys defense … he later apologized and was horrified that he didn't say anything right then. Truly, I am thankful the actual words are blocked from my memory.
The Maid of Honor at my wedding, didn't bother to even invite me to hers. She wrote me a 'sorry' note after the fact.
A friend betrayed me at our last church and spoke out against me and my husband to the elders. She blamed me for her failed marriage - which is a long story. But she was someone I had poured life into and she basically spit in my face. Many months later, she came to apologize, but the damage was done, and our friendship was gone.
These later examples are just a few that I can remember … It doesn't even really matter what they are but I felt like I should get them out just in case. In all of this I struggled endlessly with depression. Anger. Self-hatred. I wondered where God was, and whether he was really good like He claimed. I questioned His love. I struggled to believe His word … because it never felt true in my life. I never have felt beautiful to Him. I have always felt like I should feel worthless because His worth is so much greater. And even though Jesus came to die on the cross for my sins … and I have trusted in that for salvation; it still at times has felt incredibly distant. A nice thing for the God in the sky to do for a poor unwanted girl down here. I have rarely felt his delight for me… rarely believed He does delight in me.
I think soon I need to trace His pursuit of me … now that I have traced the shame throughout my life. I still don't feel done in this area of shame, though, that phrase - betrayal of silence - is burning in me to be looked at. There is still more gnawing at me.
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