feelings

Feelings matter.

So many people would say while I am in the middle of this choking fog of shame, that I should just reject what I am feeling and focus on the promises of God … they are what is true. That feelings are not to lead us around in life. Well, I agree and totally disagree all at the same time.

Yes, it is true that I should work on remembering God's promises … that is how Jesus defeated Satan during the temptation. He used the Word of God as a weapon of combat. He stood strong in the Word. They were and are, after all, a reflection of Himself - His very being. God's Word does not come back empty, it always fulfills what God declares.

But isn't the purpose of this whole walk down shame-memory-lane … to reveal and uproot the shame that has been driving me for the last 30 years? How else am I supposed to do it without releasing pent up emotion and hurt? How else am I supposed to identify the cause unless I understand the emotions that are coming out of it?

'Out of the overflow of the heart … the mouth speaks' … isn't that a quote from Jesus somewhere in the gospels? Doesn't that mean that whatever boils out of my heart … eventually comes out in my life? If my heart is hurt and wounded … doesn't it make sense that in a state of self-protection, anger would come rising out to keep people at bay? I think so. feelings tell us when something is wrong … they can also tell us when something is right.

Piper always says in his principals of Christian Hedonism that we can't just follow God out of duty, but we must be seeking God for His glory, and our greatest joy. We must love Him wholeheartedly because that is how we thank God for all He has done for us. It is a heart filled with love for Him that makes God feel joy. He doesn't love us to get joy, because He is already perfect and has everything but, He loves it when we LOVE Him. When it just pours out from us. In Song of Songs it says that this is what captivates His heart… it overwhelms Him.

Right now the only thing overwhelming my heart is shame. It has been eating away my insides for 30 years… with new offenses being dumped in each time they meet the profile. BUT, what I want is my heart to be filled with love. I want the Lord to be captivated by my heart overflowing for Him. I want my feelings - all of them - to love Jesus - not just to say I do - but to KNOW I do. To FEEL that I do.

If we really love God we WILL love others too … it will just happen. 'The first commandment is to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength … the second IS JUST LIKE IT … to love your neighbor as yourself.' It is the overflow of a heart in love with God.

God, take my heart captive … so that I might captivate yours.