Life has continued … it tends to go on whether we want it to or not. The great weight of shame I thought had lifted … revelation had come from the Lord, my husband came home, and the routine of the new week had come again. I fully expected to continue to feel better and I ate far less cookies and watched far less TV. But then this morning hit… It's Sunday again.
I was suddenly struck by a mad desire to NOT go. Getting dressed lately is a disaster. Nothing fits… except the biggest of my clothes…. so that is where insecurity flies in again. I wanted to hide out in bed, I wanted to run away from myself. The weight of self hatred was back. My sin and shame get worn on the outside in ugly fat for all to see. I hate it… and thus hate myself.
I walked into the lobby at church and tried to be social - but everyone asks how you are, and me not wanting to be dishonest, say 'OK' or 'not good', but always with a smile on my face to assure the asker that I really don't want to talk about it with them.
I move into the service and can't bring myself to sing until a favorite comes up that just compels me… to remember that I am not my own. God is greater and He is not done yet.
Then a sermon that I fully agree with and understand …yet still does not seem to penetrate.
I realized once again that my response to God is still broken. Something in me is stuck in unbelief.
I began to pray when the sermon was finally done that God would stir my faith once again. That unbelief would be uprooted and cast out. That He would wake me up, and shake off this bondage to my old slavery. I began to thank Him for the truth of my freedom and asked Him to help me say 'yes' to it again in my soul. I prayed for the energy to pursue Him, because right now I realized that I am stuck in depression, and the darkness of it is keeping me stuck, mired down, and sluggish.
Please come and overcome Jesus.
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