ugly

No matter how hard I try … I cannot make myself beautiful.

Certainly I try on the outside. I fix my hair, I put on make-up, I buy flattering clothes.

But my thoughts are always … 'I guess this is good enough.' 'I can't do anything else… this is it.' I never FEEL pretty. No matter how many times my husband, and sometimes even my kids, say it. I KNOW I am ugly.

I just recently got my hair cut … trying to make it better … I made it worse. Now I am stuck with shorter-than-I-would-like hair. And I feel just plain ugly when I look in the mirror.

I put on makeup and it just never seems to cover my blemishes enough. I have dark spots from sun and age. Wrinkles have begun to appear around my eyes. There is a really stubborn wrinkle between my eye brows that I feel like makes me look angry all the time. Perhaps it's there BECAUSE I am angry all the time. I am always plucking stubborn hairs that should NOT be on a woman's face.

I buy clothes but no matter how pretty they are … I always have to buy them in a bigger size than I would like. I always walk away feeling fat. Like there are rolls I need to hide. If I just stand this way, and try to stand up straight - which seems nearly impossible for me and my back - and hold in my stomach, I can ALMOST imagine that I am passible. That no one will notice how truly uncomfortable and ugly I feel.

This is how I feel. This is something I am always trying to hide. Not just from others but from myself too. This is WHY I buy make-up, and clothes, and do my hair. I am trying to hide in plain sight. I am constantly thanking God that I live in this day and age and not long ago when some of that would have been impossible for a regular gal like me. All of the things I need to hide in plain sight are readily available in the grocery store … and its perfectly acceptable in our culture to spend money on all of it.

I think too this is why I am good at decorating. It matters to me how things look around me, not just because I find them beautiful but because they are a DISTRACTION. If everything around me is beautiful … maybe no one will see that I am NOT. They will focus on other things. Plus throw in the added bonus of pride as people make comments and affirmations.

I draw pictures of pretty things. I paint flowers and leaves. I use vibrant colors. Because they are beautiful and I want soooo much to be a part of it. Even if it's just a small taste and for a short while. I get to fall into the illusion and be absorbed.

Truly, I think there is NOTHING wrong with doing any of the above things. There is nothing wrong with looking your best, or loving pretty things. BUT for me… my motives for WHY I do what I do - run much deeper than I would have imagined.

I want to make MYSELF beautiful. And no matter how hard I try or what kind of effort I put into it … I ALWAYS come out feeling ugly. And at times the effort has been a battle - especially when it comes to food - a battle that I have won and lost again, won and lost again, and again and again. The failure feels like so much death. So much shame. I throw my hands up and declare 'I cannot win!' And I hate myself even more.

Is this the shame I have been searching for?
I think it is some … a part, not the whole.

It is even deeper.