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I am reading an excellent book about shame, called, 'Shame Interrupted' by Edward Welch. Honestly, as soon as I started reading I wanted to throw it down. It's hard to face the deep shame inside. Really hard.

Shame is not something we like to talk about … in fact it is the opposite … it is what we run and hide from.

Here is the definition from the book:

Shame is the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did,
something done to you,
or something associated with you.
You feel exposed and humiliated.
You are disgraced because you acted less than human,
were treated as less than human,
or you were associated with something less than human,
and there are witnesses.


WE ALL HAVE SHAME. It is inescapable. We live in a world where Adam and Eve ate the fruit. They WERE naked and unashamed. Then they ate and the FELT naked and they felt SHAME. As soon as Adam ate - their eyes were BOTH opened. And they could never be closed again to the knowledge of good AND evil. They hid from themselves, and each other, with coverings of leaves, and as soon as they heard God in the garden they hid from Him too. Adam says to God … I hid because I was naked … AND because I heard you coming. Adam and Eve were covered in the filth of shame and they did not want to be SEEN. Not seen by themselves, and NOT seen by God.

I read through Genesis 3 again this morning. I am always amazed to see something new again. I asked God as I read … why weren't YOU there? You knew the serpent was there … why didn't You show up? You knew what was happening … why didn't you come and present to Adam and Eve the truth again - right then and there? Why in that moment did you leave it up to us?

Instead you showed up after. Perfection was broken. Your sanctuary ruined. Why did you show up after … and act like you didn't know what had happened?

Why do you withhold?

I know in my mind the answers that are always given. Even If I was there I would have done the same thing. I am Adam. I am Eve. I am silent. I am deceived. I know you wanted us to choose You. You want us to love you back. But even that we are incapable of. You have to empower our minds to choose You. We have to be drawn by the Spirit. Why was THIS plan the BEST plan? You see all of it from eternity to eternity. And yet you have allowed so MANY to perish without you. Without REAL, TRUE, LASTING LIFE. You have made some for common use and some for holy use. I get that somehow THIS is all for YOUR glory. And that You are ONLY GOOD. But why was this the best way? Why do so many have to live life feeling like they are broken and dirty? Why are they beat up, abused and wrecked?

Why in that one moment didn't you show up? Why after?

And now shame is everywhere. IT HURTS, God. Why?

inferior
alienated
embarrassed
minority
ridiculed
weak
powerless
failure
different
insulted
rejected
inadequate
humiliated
ignored
loser
misfit
marginalized
unclean
dishonored
filthy
shunned
disgusting
defiled
outcast
unloveable
discarded
repulsive
disgraced
worthless
loathed
scorned
vile
ugly

The words of shame. We all feel something on this list… deep in the recesses of our hearts.

Why did You do it this way?

What is shame?
      You are shunned.
            Faces are turned away from you.
            They ignore you, as if you don't exist.
       You are naked.
            Faces are turned toward you.
            They stare, as if you are hideous.
       You are worthless, and it's no secret.
            You are of little or no value to those whose opinion matters most to you.


Even in our perfection … even then … could we just not SEE You as You are? Could we NOT get it even then? And so now we need all of the span of human History … just to SEE YOU? To see your beauty, and majesty, magnificence, Your light, and life. Your peace and joy, your delight for us, Your amazing LOVE … your grace… your GLORY. Could we not SEE you?

OH GOD GIVE US EYES TO SEE!

I am small and dumb. My mind small and finite. I am nothing compared to You. Please have mercy on me, God. I am fragile and afraid. I am broken and weak.

You must come and fix my mind. Fix my heart. Make me strong. Help me not to fear You and Your light… but walk in boldness to Your throne because of Jesus. I need help. I need freedom. I can't get them on my own. I need You. I need Your presence. I need to see YOU.