I have realized the last few days that all attempts at self-control in regards to eating have utterly failed.
This most recent attempt was a 40 day Medifast fast. I fasted through lunch, meals and snacks were to be Medifast meals which includes a lean and green meal for dinner. It seemed easy enough - I've done it a million times before. I've lost 50 pounds doing it before.
The problem is me. I can not bring myself to commit to more than a week or so of actually doing it. As soon as a scheduled break comes along … i.e. a girls night out to Cirque du Soleil with dinner beforehand - yay for me!… I am utterly derailed. Now REAL food has passed my lips and soon thereafter I let it sneak in everywhere else… especially over the weekends when life is less regimented.
So I began praying about this … and yesterday took a tour down blog memory lane. I reread posts from the last 5 months or so, and discovered that I HAVE DONE IT AGAIN. I have walked ahead of the Lord. I took this fast into my own hands because I am desperate. I REALLY want to lose my weight before the 40 mark - coming in January! Not a bad goal …. BUT it is not my main goal. My main purpose in this particular weight loss track is not actually to lose weight! Crazy good reminder.
It is instead to honor God with my body, to learn not to be mastered by food, to put off the old man and its addiction/idolatry for food!
The thing is God has already given me the answer for this like 6 billion times! Ok … so maybe not that many times… but quite a few. And the last time was in the Spring when He reminded me about the time that I spoke these very words out of my own mouth to myself : What if God wants me to be so dependent on Him that I pray and ask what I am supposed to eat each and every time I am hungry?
As I said those words out loud in front of a group of women … they were different. They had power and conviction… they were prophetic.
So if that is what God is calling me to… why can I still not manage to obey? Well off the top I can think of a lot! :
1. THIS IS WAY HARD!!!! Do you know how hard this is going to be God????? This is CRAZY hard.
2. I don't actually believe that God will show up and deliver…. Let's be honest this year of silence has sucked. Did I really believe you would show up and make this thing happen - when you were not saying anything at all to me. No I did not. Not even a little.
3. I thought that managing it and mixing in my own fix would be more helpful. So I started out trying to mix the Holy Spirit and Medifast. As if Medifast is some sort of Holy Grail of weight loss, at least I thought it was for me.
So there they are, THE big 3 … FEAR, UNBELIEF, and PRIDE.
Yup - repentance is in order.
Father, forgive me for being so stupid, again. Can you really forgive me again for making the same mistake over and over? I know it says to forgive 70x7 … but seriously I am a mess.
Forgive me for being afraid of such a big thing you were calling me to. All I saw in front of me was a big task and an opportunity to fail again and again and I wanted no part of it. I wanted what I thought was foolproof and trusted in a worldly plan instead of You. I forgot that you call us only to live this day before you … not this whole week, not next month or the years ahead. Just today. And fear took a grip in my heart. Help me to trust you and your goodness. Help me to believe that You are for me and never against. That You are the God of the Universe and that I am small and easily cared for by You - a Good and Gracious Father.
Forgive me for not believing that you would provide the grace I need - in the moment, in the DAY, that I need it. Help me to remember that where you lead - You provide! You give good gifts to all who seek, and ask, and call on your name, and provide the Spirit to those who ask.
And forgive me for being so presumptuous and mixing in YOUR plan with my plan… and for walking ahead of you and making MY own plan. Both have failed. Forgive me for lacking obedience and self-control … clearly not walking in the Spirit, and for not letting my Yes be Yes and my No - No.
Lord, I need help. More of your obvious Spirit-led help. Because clearly I am small and dumb and just can't manage this whole thing on my own. Please show up and conquer my doubts, conquer my unbelief and sin … and fill me with healing, and the power of the Holy Spirit. I need more of you and less of me … in so many ways. Father I invite you in to lead me and to heal me.
I know all of this has a part in that deep dark hole inside me that the Screaming One is guarding. Please come and shine your light - bring peace and freedom I pray. I thank you in advance for all that you have done and all that you WILL do. In Jesus' name and in the power of the Holy Spirit I pray. Amen
Today is new. I spoke to my husband who agrees that Medifast food should be no longer. I need to eat real food. I need to let the Lord direct me each day. How else am I going to learn to eat real food in a normal-for-me way? I am making no grand promises except to try and fail and try again and again and again if the need arises. Eventually God will retrain my ways. It has got to be His way. It has to.
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