i am dark

I listened to another Mike Bickle sermon today. It was from Song of Songs 1: 5-6

I am very dark, but lovely,
    O daughters of Jerusalem,
like the tents of Kedar,
    like the curtains of Solomon.
Do not gaze at me because I am dark,
    because the sun has looked upon me.

Bickle was talking about viewing ourselves rightly as Christ followers. The right balance between understanding our sinfulness and our holiness in Christ. A right view of sin is appropriately humbling. It teaches us our need for a savior … not just for justification, but each day after as we are sanctified. We need Jesus to live out each day, for apart from Him we can do nothing. But then this also, needs to be balanced with an understanding of God's great, amazing love for us. Not only has He made us holy in Christ … but WHY did He make us holy in Christ? He did it because of His all consuming passion for us. He loves us - pursues us - delights in us - He is ravished by us. He loves us so unbelievably - not because we did anything, or deserve anything - but because of WHO HE IS. His character - His very personhood - can NOT help but LOVE us!   And He has loved us even before the foundation of the world…. even while we were yet sinners …even now when I screw up again and again in my immaturity.

Bickle shared that God sees it all … before time, to the end of time, and everything in-between. His love never changes. Because it's part of HIS character. And not only that … BUT He views me - all of me - all at the same time. From my beginning to my never end in eternity with Him. He sees the beauty in me now, and the even more beautiful then - all at the same time. He sees the 'yes' in my spirit … the very intention of my heart - the good God-given intentions to love Him with my whole heart … no matter how immaturely I walk that out … as beautiful. It captivates Him - that "YES" in my heart.

Bickle shared about Peter and his betrayal of Jesus. The night before, Jesus told Peter he would betray Him. Peter says, 'There is NO WAY would I ever do that!' But, Jesus answers him and says, 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak' …. oh my gosh - how true. We know then that Peter denies him 3 times, and he is a broken man … he weeps bitterly.

Then after Jesus is resurrected, Peter is initially excited to see Jesus … we have the account of him running to the tomb … because truly He is excited that Jesus is alive! But later, when they go back to Galilee, Peter decides to take up fishing again. He thinks his time as apostle is over. He has ruined any chance to serve Jesus so closely again. He chooses to go back to fishing. John 21 tells the story. They did not catch any fish that night. That must have been so disheartening for Peter! He ruined his chance with Jesus and now he can't even catch fish! Then Jesus shows up and he tells them to cast again and they catch so many fish, that the net should break! And Peter leaps into the water to go and see Jesus. He LOVES Jesus… so he must be near even though He feels unworthy. Then Jesus asks Peter 3 times if he loves Him. By the third time asking … it digs down deep inside of Peter and He is grieved … remembering his betrayal. But Jesus loves him … Peter is not rejected - not cast away - He is restored to the fullness of his purpose!!… despite his betrayal.

Bickle points out that this is our way of dealing with our sin … we see it as a dis-qualifier. If I am going to sin that way … then THIS or THAT will be my punishment. This is what I deserve - to be out, to not be blessed, to have less a share in ministry, to be punished, to be satisfied with less and smaller things for ourselves… all because we view our sin as too big - too insurmountable. So we take OURSELVES out of the game because our failure is too big to deal with. Because we believe soooo wrongly about our own sinfulness and failures, and we don't believe strongly enough in God's great love for us … in how He SEES us. Our shame … causes us to see God wrongly. Our shame causes us to punish ourselves. Our shame causes us to pull back.


From the notes on his teaching:
The issue is how is she (the bride from Song of Solomon) going to relate to God when she discovers her own sinfulness? How are you going to relate to God when you discover you have weak flesh, a dark heart? What we do in this crisis is a very important part of our spiritual life.

Many run from God instead of to Him in this spiritual crisis because they misunderstand how they look to God. They make the same mistake that Peter initially made. They resign, they give up, and they get entrenched in a mindset of shame (stronghold of shame).

A life of shame leads to a life of sin. If you feel dirty before God, then you will live dirty. The Lord does not want us to relegate ourselves to a second-class status. There is nothing more powerful in the earth than a woman who feels loved along with feeling clean and full of dignity. Such a woman is tenacious in love. She is powerful. God is raising up a corporate Bride that will feel clean, desired, dignified, pursued, and delighted in.


This is my problem … this deep shame… makes me feel dirty … and thus I am living like I can do nothing else BUT sin. To me, there is no other choice. This has been my way time and again - to run from God because I feel so ugly and dark. This deep shame has undergirded everything I have ever
done. Even though the truth has been poured out over me - so many times … this deep hole has always been sealed up tight away from God. He has not touched it, because I have never allowed it to see the light of day. It is so painful so ugly to me I have kept it hidden. I still don't know what it is … But at least now I get the 'why' of it.


Lord, shine the light of Your love please, free me from the darkness.