feel it

I am home alone. It is quiet. My husband and kids went off to visit family overnight… I was supposed to go with them and last night I just felt the Lord saying that I should instead... stay home alone. I declared to my husband this intention and all the 'should's' that I knew he would bring up came out. I knew it, because they were all the same ones I was already speaking to myself in my head … but still I just KNEW I needed to stay at home.

In the last few days thoughts and images have been coming to my mind about the dark hole in my heart. That deep dark place that the Screaming One has been guarding. Its a dark hole filled with some sort of shame … I have been waiting for God to reveal. It's not exactly a happy thing but I have been wanting to just get on with it for a while. I tried hiding out from it back in August but then realized the only way to kill it, was to walk through it - examine it with the Lord as He was calling me to - and get true lasting healing.

A couple of weeks ago I woke up from a dream and the Lord declared that it was the first memory of many to follow - to begin to understand - the shame.

Honestly, I wish I wrote down the dream right then because now it has faded. In the dream, I was confronting a friend who was the Maid Of Honor at my wedding. But what I wanted to know about was why she never even invited me to HER wedding, so I was asking her why. I don't think I even got an answer in my dream … the point was not to get the answer though, but to see the deep hurt that had been left behind.

Now, even though this was a dream … it actually happened, except I never got to confront her. But I am not walking around in un-forgiveness to her - in fact most of the time I never even think about it or remember it. But God brought it up and pointed it out. He did this to show me that it is part of that deep dark hole of shame. The dream gave me a picture of how hurtful it really was. I had moved away after college to Texas with my husband and so going to this wedding probably would have been impossible anyway. We probably didn't really stay in contact much either… there was no Facebook back then… we didn't really even use email a whole lot. Letters and connected-to-the-wall-phones were all we had.

But in the dream, I was trying to ask her why? …but the hurt was so real, I could feel it again. I could feel the ache in my chest. The confusion of wondering why she didn't want me? respect me? love me? care about me? Did she consider me a friend? ugh it sucks thinking about it now.

Even now I don't know what to think about it. It just causes me to call into question all my friendships - current and past. Is it me? Am I a bad friend? What did I do? Am I unlikeable? And then I begin to wonder in the middle of this now … why do I feel so un-pursued? Why has God thwarted all/most of my attempts at friendships or mentoring relationships since moving here? What are you trying to show me?????

Clearly, God wants me to be really lonely for me to see whatever it is and to feel it. Because that is my everyday feeling - lonely. Disconnected from God, and friends … even a strain between my husband and I … while I am dealing with all of this. The Lord has kept me isolated for a reason.

I am sure there is more to come.


( as an aside friends … please do not feel like I am seeking pity or reassurances, nor am I trying to make anyone feel bad. I am just trying to be honest about what's going on inside of me. Clearly, God is at work trying to reveal something … and I am OK with that.)