We must respond.
If Andrew Murray were sitting in my church service this week he would have been proud. It was on Galatians 3. ' O you foolish Galatians! Why having begun in the Spirit do you think you now need to continue in the flesh! ' That was my paraphrase. The gist of it all was … We are justified by Christ's work on the Cross. We are glorified by Christ's work … and we are SANCTIFIED continually by Christ in us. We DO NOT do the work … we respond to His work in us … with worship and obedience.
The response I realized as my pastor was speaking is the part that is stuck/stopped up in me.
I listened to the sermon - saying yes - I KNOW this! So what is my problem?
I cannot respond as I should be able. I cannot worship … my eyes are fixed on me … stuck looking at me because of this long buried shame that God is dredging up.
I have prayed for obedience. I have prayed for a bigger vision of God. I have prayed for my heart to feel His presence. BUT I just can't for whatever reason. God has shut it all down - so I can see this deep problem. God wants me to see it … so that we can be rid of it … so that I CAN respond!
Shame keeps us looking at self. Shame keeps our eyes on our nakedness … instead of His splendor. Shame leaves us afraid of God and wanting to hide. God wants my response to Him to be boldly walking up to His throne. Shame is in the way and must be removed.
So what do I do? That was a big question during the sermon if God is doing it all … what must I do? Respond in worship… respond with obedience. Not Because I have to because if I don't God will be angry. BUT because I GET to, because God always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS looks on me with love. His love is not conditional like ours - but because it is SOOOO different than human love we think it mirrors our conditional love. BUT it is so other! He looks on us with so much love, and love and LOVE and love and LOVE that we just can't hold all of it. He is good always. He loves us ALWAYS!
But my response is stuck. So what can I do?
I wait. Wait for God to come un-stuck me.
Cause here is the lesson. I can't do anything. He must do all in me. I wait on Him and surrender myself again and again to Him and His ways. He has yet to leave me hanging (I may whine and complain about waiting) but he ALWAYS comes.
A hymn has been on my mind lately … O Sacred Head Now Wounded… the first verse goes like this:
O sacred Head, now wounded,
with grief and shame weighed down,
now scornfully surrounded
with thorns, thine only crown:
how pale thou art with anguish,
with sore abuse and scorn!
How does that visage languish
which once was bright as morn!
What thou, my Lord, has suffered
was all for sinners' gain;
mine, mine was the transgression,
but thine the deadly pain.
Lo, here I fall, my Savior!
'Tis I deserve thy place;
look on me with thy favor,
vouchsafe to me thy grace.
What language shall I borrow
to thank thee, dearest friend,
for this thy dying sorrow,
thy pity without end?
O make me thine forever;
and should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never
outlive my love for thee.
It's my favorite hymn. The words are so full. The first verse is what has caught my attention - the image of being weighed down with grief and shame - that is how I feel. Weighed down and lost in my shame. But I need not feel that way … Jesus has born all of that for me already!
So come Jesus and show me what is next … I am waiting on you.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Friday, October 17, 2014
see
I am reading an excellent book about shame, called, 'Shame Interrupted' by Edward Welch. Honestly, as soon as I started reading I wanted to throw it down. It's hard to face the deep shame inside. Really hard.
Shame is not something we like to talk about … in fact it is the opposite … it is what we run and hide from.
Here is the definition from the book:
Shame is the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did,
something done to you,
or something associated with you.
You feel exposed and humiliated.
You are disgraced because you acted less than human,
were treated as less than human,
or you were associated with something less than human,
and there are witnesses.
WE ALL HAVE SHAME. It is inescapable. We live in a world where Adam and Eve ate the fruit. They WERE naked and unashamed. Then they ate and the FELT naked and they felt SHAME. As soon as Adam ate - their eyes were BOTH opened. And they could never be closed again to the knowledge of good AND evil. They hid from themselves, and each other, with coverings of leaves, and as soon as they heard God in the garden they hid from Him too. Adam says to God … I hid because I was naked … AND because I heard you coming. Adam and Eve were covered in the filth of shame and they did not want to be SEEN. Not seen by themselves, and NOT seen by God.
I read through Genesis 3 again this morning. I am always amazed to see something new again. I asked God as I read … why weren't YOU there? You knew the serpent was there … why didn't You show up? You knew what was happening … why didn't you come and present to Adam and Eve the truth again - right then and there? Why in that moment did you leave it up to us?
Instead you showed up after. Perfection was broken. Your sanctuary ruined. Why did you show up after … and act like you didn't know what had happened?
Why do you withhold?
I know in my mind the answers that are always given. Even If I was there I would have done the same thing. I am Adam. I am Eve. I am silent. I am deceived. I know you wanted us to choose You. You want us to love you back. But even that we are incapable of. You have to empower our minds to choose You. We have to be drawn by the Spirit. Why was THIS plan the BEST plan? You see all of it from eternity to eternity. And yet you have allowed so MANY to perish without you. Without REAL, TRUE, LASTING LIFE. You have made some for common use and some for holy use. I get that somehow THIS is all for YOUR glory. And that You are ONLY GOOD. But why was this the best way? Why do so many have to live life feeling like they are broken and dirty? Why are they beat up, abused and wrecked?
Why in that one moment didn't you show up? Why after?
And now shame is everywhere. IT HURTS, God. Why?
inferior
alienated
embarrassed
minority
ridiculed
weak
powerless
failure
different
insulted
rejected
inadequate
humiliated
ignored
loser
misfit
marginalized
unclean
dishonored
filthy
shunned
disgusting
defiled
outcast
unloveable
discarded
repulsive
disgraced
worthless
loathed
scorned
vile
ugly
The words of shame. We all feel something on this list… deep in the recesses of our hearts.
Why did You do it this way?
What is shame?
You are shunned.
Faces are turned away from you.
They ignore you, as if you don't exist.
You are naked.
Faces are turned toward you.
They stare, as if you are hideous.
You are worthless, and it's no secret.
You are of little or no value to those whose opinion matters most to you.
Even in our perfection … even then … could we just not SEE You as You are? Could we NOT get it even then? And so now we need all of the span of human History … just to SEE YOU? To see your beauty, and majesty, magnificence, Your light, and life. Your peace and joy, your delight for us, Your amazing LOVE … your grace… your GLORY. Could we not SEE you?
OH GOD GIVE US EYES TO SEE!
I am small and dumb. My mind small and finite. I am nothing compared to You. Please have mercy on me, God. I am fragile and afraid. I am broken and weak.
You must come and fix my mind. Fix my heart. Make me strong. Help me not to fear You and Your light… but walk in boldness to Your throne because of Jesus. I need help. I need freedom. I can't get them on my own. I need You. I need Your presence. I need to see YOU.
Shame is not something we like to talk about … in fact it is the opposite … it is what we run and hide from.
Here is the definition from the book:
Shame is the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did,
something done to you,
or something associated with you.
You feel exposed and humiliated.
You are disgraced because you acted less than human,
were treated as less than human,
or you were associated with something less than human,
and there are witnesses.
WE ALL HAVE SHAME. It is inescapable. We live in a world where Adam and Eve ate the fruit. They WERE naked and unashamed. Then they ate and the FELT naked and they felt SHAME. As soon as Adam ate - their eyes were BOTH opened. And they could never be closed again to the knowledge of good AND evil. They hid from themselves, and each other, with coverings of leaves, and as soon as they heard God in the garden they hid from Him too. Adam says to God … I hid because I was naked … AND because I heard you coming. Adam and Eve were covered in the filth of shame and they did not want to be SEEN. Not seen by themselves, and NOT seen by God.
I read through Genesis 3 again this morning. I am always amazed to see something new again. I asked God as I read … why weren't YOU there? You knew the serpent was there … why didn't You show up? You knew what was happening … why didn't you come and present to Adam and Eve the truth again - right then and there? Why in that moment did you leave it up to us?
Instead you showed up after. Perfection was broken. Your sanctuary ruined. Why did you show up after … and act like you didn't know what had happened?
Why do you withhold?
I know in my mind the answers that are always given. Even If I was there I would have done the same thing. I am Adam. I am Eve. I am silent. I am deceived. I know you wanted us to choose You. You want us to love you back. But even that we are incapable of. You have to empower our minds to choose You. We have to be drawn by the Spirit. Why was THIS plan the BEST plan? You see all of it from eternity to eternity. And yet you have allowed so MANY to perish without you. Without REAL, TRUE, LASTING LIFE. You have made some for common use and some for holy use. I get that somehow THIS is all for YOUR glory. And that You are ONLY GOOD. But why was this the best way? Why do so many have to live life feeling like they are broken and dirty? Why are they beat up, abused and wrecked?
Why in that one moment didn't you show up? Why after?
And now shame is everywhere. IT HURTS, God. Why?
inferior
alienated
embarrassed
minority
ridiculed
weak
powerless
failure
different
insulted
rejected
inadequate
humiliated
ignored
loser
misfit
marginalized
unclean
dishonored
filthy
shunned
disgusting
defiled
outcast
unloveable
discarded
repulsive
disgraced
worthless
loathed
scorned
vile
ugly
The words of shame. We all feel something on this list… deep in the recesses of our hearts.
Why did You do it this way?
What is shame?
You are shunned.
Faces are turned away from you.
They ignore you, as if you don't exist.
You are naked.
Faces are turned toward you.
They stare, as if you are hideous.
You are worthless, and it's no secret.
You are of little or no value to those whose opinion matters most to you.
Even in our perfection … even then … could we just not SEE You as You are? Could we NOT get it even then? And so now we need all of the span of human History … just to SEE YOU? To see your beauty, and majesty, magnificence, Your light, and life. Your peace and joy, your delight for us, Your amazing LOVE … your grace… your GLORY. Could we not SEE you?
OH GOD GIVE US EYES TO SEE!
I am small and dumb. My mind small and finite. I am nothing compared to You. Please have mercy on me, God. I am fragile and afraid. I am broken and weak.
You must come and fix my mind. Fix my heart. Make me strong. Help me not to fear You and Your light… but walk in boldness to Your throne because of Jesus. I need help. I need freedom. I can't get them on my own. I need You. I need Your presence. I need to see YOU.
ugly
No matter how hard I try … I cannot make myself beautiful.
Certainly I try on the outside. I fix my hair, I put on make-up, I buy flattering clothes.
But my thoughts are always … 'I guess this is good enough.' 'I can't do anything else… this is it.' I never FEEL pretty. No matter how many times my husband, and sometimes even my kids, say it. I KNOW I am ugly.
I just recently got my hair cut … trying to make it better … I made it worse. Now I am stuck with shorter-than-I-would-like hair. And I feel just plain ugly when I look in the mirror.
I put on makeup and it just never seems to cover my blemishes enough. I have dark spots from sun and age. Wrinkles have begun to appear around my eyes. There is a really stubborn wrinkle between my eye brows that I feel like makes me look angry all the time. Perhaps it's there BECAUSE I am angry all the time. I am always plucking stubborn hairs that should NOT be on a woman's face.
I buy clothes but no matter how pretty they are … I always have to buy them in a bigger size than I would like. I always walk away feeling fat. Like there are rolls I need to hide. If I just stand this way, and try to stand up straight - which seems nearly impossible for me and my back - and hold in my stomach, I can ALMOST imagine that I am passible. That no one will notice how truly uncomfortable and ugly I feel.
This is how I feel. This is something I am always trying to hide. Not just from others but from myself too. This is WHY I buy make-up, and clothes, and do my hair. I am trying to hide in plain sight. I am constantly thanking God that I live in this day and age and not long ago when some of that would have been impossible for a regular gal like me. All of the things I need to hide in plain sight are readily available in the grocery store … and its perfectly acceptable in our culture to spend money on all of it.
I think too this is why I am good at decorating. It matters to me how things look around me, not just because I find them beautiful but because they are a DISTRACTION. If everything around me is beautiful … maybe no one will see that I am NOT. They will focus on other things. Plus throw in the added bonus of pride as people make comments and affirmations.
I draw pictures of pretty things. I paint flowers and leaves. I use vibrant colors. Because they are beautiful and I want soooo much to be a part of it. Even if it's just a small taste and for a short while. I get to fall into the illusion and be absorbed.
Truly, I think there is NOTHING wrong with doing any of the above things. There is nothing wrong with looking your best, or loving pretty things. BUT for me… my motives for WHY I do what I do - run much deeper than I would have imagined.
I want to make MYSELF beautiful. And no matter how hard I try or what kind of effort I put into it … I ALWAYS come out feeling ugly. And at times the effort has been a battle - especially when it comes to food - a battle that I have won and lost again, won and lost again, and again and again. The failure feels like so much death. So much shame. I throw my hands up and declare 'I cannot win!' And I hate myself even more.
Is this the shame I have been searching for?
I think it is some … a part, not the whole.
It is even deeper.
Certainly I try on the outside. I fix my hair, I put on make-up, I buy flattering clothes.
But my thoughts are always … 'I guess this is good enough.' 'I can't do anything else… this is it.' I never FEEL pretty. No matter how many times my husband, and sometimes even my kids, say it. I KNOW I am ugly.
I just recently got my hair cut … trying to make it better … I made it worse. Now I am stuck with shorter-than-I-would-like hair. And I feel just plain ugly when I look in the mirror.
I put on makeup and it just never seems to cover my blemishes enough. I have dark spots from sun and age. Wrinkles have begun to appear around my eyes. There is a really stubborn wrinkle between my eye brows that I feel like makes me look angry all the time. Perhaps it's there BECAUSE I am angry all the time. I am always plucking stubborn hairs that should NOT be on a woman's face.
I buy clothes but no matter how pretty they are … I always have to buy them in a bigger size than I would like. I always walk away feeling fat. Like there are rolls I need to hide. If I just stand this way, and try to stand up straight - which seems nearly impossible for me and my back - and hold in my stomach, I can ALMOST imagine that I am passible. That no one will notice how truly uncomfortable and ugly I feel.
This is how I feel. This is something I am always trying to hide. Not just from others but from myself too. This is WHY I buy make-up, and clothes, and do my hair. I am trying to hide in plain sight. I am constantly thanking God that I live in this day and age and not long ago when some of that would have been impossible for a regular gal like me. All of the things I need to hide in plain sight are readily available in the grocery store … and its perfectly acceptable in our culture to spend money on all of it.
I think too this is why I am good at decorating. It matters to me how things look around me, not just because I find them beautiful but because they are a DISTRACTION. If everything around me is beautiful … maybe no one will see that I am NOT. They will focus on other things. Plus throw in the added bonus of pride as people make comments and affirmations.
I draw pictures of pretty things. I paint flowers and leaves. I use vibrant colors. Because they are beautiful and I want soooo much to be a part of it. Even if it's just a small taste and for a short while. I get to fall into the illusion and be absorbed.
Truly, I think there is NOTHING wrong with doing any of the above things. There is nothing wrong with looking your best, or loving pretty things. BUT for me… my motives for WHY I do what I do - run much deeper than I would have imagined.
I want to make MYSELF beautiful. And no matter how hard I try or what kind of effort I put into it … I ALWAYS come out feeling ugly. And at times the effort has been a battle - especially when it comes to food - a battle that I have won and lost again, won and lost again, and again and again. The failure feels like so much death. So much shame. I throw my hands up and declare 'I cannot win!' And I hate myself even more.
Is this the shame I have been searching for?
I think it is some … a part, not the whole.
It is even deeper.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
i am dark
I listened to another Mike Bickle sermon today. It was from Song of Songs 1: 5-6
I am very dark, but lovely,
O daughters of Jerusalem,
like the tents of Kedar,
like the curtains of Solomon.
Do not gaze at me because I am dark,
because the sun has looked upon me.
Bickle was talking about viewing ourselves rightly as Christ followers. The right balance between understanding our sinfulness and our holiness in Christ. A right view of sin is appropriately humbling. It teaches us our need for a savior … not just for justification, but each day after as we are sanctified. We need Jesus to live out each day, for apart from Him we can do nothing. But then this also, needs to be balanced with an understanding of God's great, amazing love for us. Not only has He made us holy in Christ … but WHY did He make us holy in Christ? He did it because of His all consuming passion for us. He loves us - pursues us - delights in us - He is ravished by us. He loves us so unbelievably - not because we did anything, or deserve anything - but because of WHO HE IS. His character - His very personhood - can NOT help but LOVE us! And He has loved us even before the foundation of the world…. even while we were yet sinners …even now when I screw up again and again in my immaturity.
Bickle shared that God sees it all … before time, to the end of time, and everything in-between. His love never changes. Because it's part of HIS character. And not only that … BUT He views me - all of me - all at the same time. From my beginning to my never end in eternity with Him. He sees the beauty in me now, and the even more beautiful then - all at the same time. He sees the 'yes' in my spirit … the very intention of my heart - the good God-given intentions to love Him with my whole heart … no matter how immaturely I walk that out … as beautiful. It captivates Him - that "YES" in my heart.
Bickle shared about Peter and his betrayal of Jesus. The night before, Jesus told Peter he would betray Him. Peter says, 'There is NO WAY would I ever do that!' But, Jesus answers him and says, 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak' …. oh my gosh - how true. We know then that Peter denies him 3 times, and he is a broken man … he weeps bitterly.
Then after Jesus is resurrected, Peter is initially excited to see Jesus … we have the account of him running to the tomb … because truly He is excited that Jesus is alive! But later, when they go back to Galilee, Peter decides to take up fishing again. He thinks his time as apostle is over. He has ruined any chance to serve Jesus so closely again. He chooses to go back to fishing. John 21 tells the story. They did not catch any fish that night. That must have been so disheartening for Peter! He ruined his chance with Jesus and now he can't even catch fish! Then Jesus shows up and he tells them to cast again and they catch so many fish, that the net should break! And Peter leaps into the water to go and see Jesus. He LOVES Jesus… so he must be near even though He feels unworthy. Then Jesus asks Peter 3 times if he loves Him. By the third time asking … it digs down deep inside of Peter and He is grieved … remembering his betrayal. But Jesus loves him … Peter is not rejected - not cast away - He is restored to the fullness of his purpose!!… despite his betrayal.
Bickle points out that this is our way of dealing with our sin … we see it as a dis-qualifier. If I am going to sin that way … then THIS or THAT will be my punishment. This is what I deserve - to be out, to not be blessed, to have less a share in ministry, to be punished, to be satisfied with less and smaller things for ourselves… all because we view our sin as too big - too insurmountable. So we take OURSELVES out of the game because our failure is too big to deal with. Because we believe soooo wrongly about our own sinfulness and failures, and we don't believe strongly enough in God's great love for us … in how He SEES us. Our shame … causes us to see God wrongly. Our shame causes us to punish ourselves. Our shame causes us to pull back.
From the notes on his teaching:
The issue is how is she (the bride from Song of Solomon) going to relate to God when she discovers her own sinfulness? How are you going to relate to God when you discover you have weak flesh, a dark heart? What we do in this crisis is a very important part of our spiritual life.
Many run from God instead of to Him in this spiritual crisis because they misunderstand how they look to God. They make the same mistake that Peter initially made. They resign, they give up, and they get entrenched in a mindset of shame (stronghold of shame).
A life of shame leads to a life of sin. If you feel dirty before God, then you will live dirty. The Lord does not want us to relegate ourselves to a second-class status. There is nothing more powerful in the earth than a woman who feels loved along with feeling clean and full of dignity. Such a woman is tenacious in love. She is powerful. God is raising up a corporate Bride that will feel clean, desired, dignified, pursued, and delighted in.
This is my problem … this deep shame… makes me feel dirty … and thus I am living like I can do nothing else BUT sin. To me, there is no other choice. This has been my way time and again - to run from God because I feel so ugly and dark. This deep shame has undergirded everything I have ever
done. Even though the truth has been poured out over me - so many times … this deep hole has always been sealed up tight away from God. He has not touched it, because I have never allowed it to see the light of day. It is so painful so ugly to me I have kept it hidden. I still don't know what it is … But at least now I get the 'why' of it.
Lord, shine the light of Your love please, free me from the darkness.
I am very dark, but lovely,
O daughters of Jerusalem,
like the tents of Kedar,
like the curtains of Solomon.
Do not gaze at me because I am dark,
because the sun has looked upon me.
Bickle was talking about viewing ourselves rightly as Christ followers. The right balance between understanding our sinfulness and our holiness in Christ. A right view of sin is appropriately humbling. It teaches us our need for a savior … not just for justification, but each day after as we are sanctified. We need Jesus to live out each day, for apart from Him we can do nothing. But then this also, needs to be balanced with an understanding of God's great, amazing love for us. Not only has He made us holy in Christ … but WHY did He make us holy in Christ? He did it because of His all consuming passion for us. He loves us - pursues us - delights in us - He is ravished by us. He loves us so unbelievably - not because we did anything, or deserve anything - but because of WHO HE IS. His character - His very personhood - can NOT help but LOVE us! And He has loved us even before the foundation of the world…. even while we were yet sinners …even now when I screw up again and again in my immaturity.
Bickle shared that God sees it all … before time, to the end of time, and everything in-between. His love never changes. Because it's part of HIS character. And not only that … BUT He views me - all of me - all at the same time. From my beginning to my never end in eternity with Him. He sees the beauty in me now, and the even more beautiful then - all at the same time. He sees the 'yes' in my spirit … the very intention of my heart - the good God-given intentions to love Him with my whole heart … no matter how immaturely I walk that out … as beautiful. It captivates Him - that "YES" in my heart.
Bickle shared about Peter and his betrayal of Jesus. The night before, Jesus told Peter he would betray Him. Peter says, 'There is NO WAY would I ever do that!' But, Jesus answers him and says, 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak' …. oh my gosh - how true. We know then that Peter denies him 3 times, and he is a broken man … he weeps bitterly.
Then after Jesus is resurrected, Peter is initially excited to see Jesus … we have the account of him running to the tomb … because truly He is excited that Jesus is alive! But later, when they go back to Galilee, Peter decides to take up fishing again. He thinks his time as apostle is over. He has ruined any chance to serve Jesus so closely again. He chooses to go back to fishing. John 21 tells the story. They did not catch any fish that night. That must have been so disheartening for Peter! He ruined his chance with Jesus and now he can't even catch fish! Then Jesus shows up and he tells them to cast again and they catch so many fish, that the net should break! And Peter leaps into the water to go and see Jesus. He LOVES Jesus… so he must be near even though He feels unworthy. Then Jesus asks Peter 3 times if he loves Him. By the third time asking … it digs down deep inside of Peter and He is grieved … remembering his betrayal. But Jesus loves him … Peter is not rejected - not cast away - He is restored to the fullness of his purpose!!… despite his betrayal.
Bickle points out that this is our way of dealing with our sin … we see it as a dis-qualifier. If I am going to sin that way … then THIS or THAT will be my punishment. This is what I deserve - to be out, to not be blessed, to have less a share in ministry, to be punished, to be satisfied with less and smaller things for ourselves… all because we view our sin as too big - too insurmountable. So we take OURSELVES out of the game because our failure is too big to deal with. Because we believe soooo wrongly about our own sinfulness and failures, and we don't believe strongly enough in God's great love for us … in how He SEES us. Our shame … causes us to see God wrongly. Our shame causes us to punish ourselves. Our shame causes us to pull back.
From the notes on his teaching:
The issue is how is she (the bride from Song of Solomon) going to relate to God when she discovers her own sinfulness? How are you going to relate to God when you discover you have weak flesh, a dark heart? What we do in this crisis is a very important part of our spiritual life.
Many run from God instead of to Him in this spiritual crisis because they misunderstand how they look to God. They make the same mistake that Peter initially made. They resign, they give up, and they get entrenched in a mindset of shame (stronghold of shame).
A life of shame leads to a life of sin. If you feel dirty before God, then you will live dirty. The Lord does not want us to relegate ourselves to a second-class status. There is nothing more powerful in the earth than a woman who feels loved along with feeling clean and full of dignity. Such a woman is tenacious in love. She is powerful. God is raising up a corporate Bride that will feel clean, desired, dignified, pursued, and delighted in.
This is my problem … this deep shame… makes me feel dirty … and thus I am living like I can do nothing else BUT sin. To me, there is no other choice. This has been my way time and again - to run from God because I feel so ugly and dark. This deep shame has undergirded everything I have ever
done. Even though the truth has been poured out over me - so many times … this deep hole has always been sealed up tight away from God. He has not touched it, because I have never allowed it to see the light of day. It is so painful so ugly to me I have kept it hidden. I still don't know what it is … But at least now I get the 'why' of it.
Lord, shine the light of Your love please, free me from the darkness.
feel it
I am home alone. It is quiet. My husband and kids went off to visit family overnight… I was supposed to go with them and last night I just felt the Lord saying that I should instead... stay home alone. I declared to my husband this intention and all the 'should's' that I knew he would bring up came out. I knew it, because they were all the same ones I was already speaking to myself in my head … but still I just KNEW I needed to stay at home.
In the last few days thoughts and images have been coming to my mind about the dark hole in my heart. That deep dark place that the Screaming One has been guarding. Its a dark hole filled with some sort of shame … I have been waiting for God to reveal. It's not exactly a happy thing but I have been wanting to just get on with it for a while. I tried hiding out from it back in August but then realized the only way to kill it, was to walk through it - examine it with the Lord as He was calling me to - and get true lasting healing.
A couple of weeks ago I woke up from a dream and the Lord declared that it was the first memory of many to follow - to begin to understand - the shame.
Honestly, I wish I wrote down the dream right then because now it has faded. In the dream, I was confronting a friend who was the Maid Of Honor at my wedding. But what I wanted to know about was why she never even invited me to HER wedding, so I was asking her why. I don't think I even got an answer in my dream … the point was not to get the answer though, but to see the deep hurt that had been left behind.
Now, even though this was a dream … it actually happened, except I never got to confront her. But I am not walking around in un-forgiveness to her - in fact most of the time I never even think about it or remember it. But God brought it up and pointed it out. He did this to show me that it is part of that deep dark hole of shame. The dream gave me a picture of how hurtful it really was. I had moved away after college to Texas with my husband and so going to this wedding probably would have been impossible anyway. We probably didn't really stay in contact much either… there was no Facebook back then… we didn't really even use email a whole lot. Letters and connected-to-the-wall-phones were all we had.
But in the dream, I was trying to ask her why? …but the hurt was so real, I could feel it again. I could feel the ache in my chest. The confusion of wondering why she didn't want me? respect me? love me? care about me? Did she consider me a friend? ugh it sucks thinking about it now.
Even now I don't know what to think about it. It just causes me to call into question all my friendships - current and past. Is it me? Am I a bad friend? What did I do? Am I unlikeable? And then I begin to wonder in the middle of this now … why do I feel so un-pursued? Why has God thwarted all/most of my attempts at friendships or mentoring relationships since moving here? What are you trying to show me?????
Clearly, God wants me to be really lonely for me to see whatever it is and to feel it. Because that is my everyday feeling - lonely. Disconnected from God, and friends … even a strain between my husband and I … while I am dealing with all of this. The Lord has kept me isolated for a reason.
I am sure there is more to come.
( as an aside friends … please do not feel like I am seeking pity or reassurances, nor am I trying to make anyone feel bad. I am just trying to be honest about what's going on inside of me. Clearly, God is at work trying to reveal something … and I am OK with that.)
In the last few days thoughts and images have been coming to my mind about the dark hole in my heart. That deep dark place that the Screaming One has been guarding. Its a dark hole filled with some sort of shame … I have been waiting for God to reveal. It's not exactly a happy thing but I have been wanting to just get on with it for a while. I tried hiding out from it back in August but then realized the only way to kill it, was to walk through it - examine it with the Lord as He was calling me to - and get true lasting healing.
A couple of weeks ago I woke up from a dream and the Lord declared that it was the first memory of many to follow - to begin to understand - the shame.
Honestly, I wish I wrote down the dream right then because now it has faded. In the dream, I was confronting a friend who was the Maid Of Honor at my wedding. But what I wanted to know about was why she never even invited me to HER wedding, so I was asking her why. I don't think I even got an answer in my dream … the point was not to get the answer though, but to see the deep hurt that had been left behind.
Now, even though this was a dream … it actually happened, except I never got to confront her. But I am not walking around in un-forgiveness to her - in fact most of the time I never even think about it or remember it. But God brought it up and pointed it out. He did this to show me that it is part of that deep dark hole of shame. The dream gave me a picture of how hurtful it really was. I had moved away after college to Texas with my husband and so going to this wedding probably would have been impossible anyway. We probably didn't really stay in contact much either… there was no Facebook back then… we didn't really even use email a whole lot. Letters and connected-to-the-wall-phones were all we had.
But in the dream, I was trying to ask her why? …but the hurt was so real, I could feel it again. I could feel the ache in my chest. The confusion of wondering why she didn't want me? respect me? love me? care about me? Did she consider me a friend? ugh it sucks thinking about it now.
Even now I don't know what to think about it. It just causes me to call into question all my friendships - current and past. Is it me? Am I a bad friend? What did I do? Am I unlikeable? And then I begin to wonder in the middle of this now … why do I feel so un-pursued? Why has God thwarted all/most of my attempts at friendships or mentoring relationships since moving here? What are you trying to show me?????
Clearly, God wants me to be really lonely for me to see whatever it is and to feel it. Because that is my everyday feeling - lonely. Disconnected from God, and friends … even a strain between my husband and I … while I am dealing with all of this. The Lord has kept me isolated for a reason.
I am sure there is more to come.
( as an aside friends … please do not feel like I am seeking pity or reassurances, nor am I trying to make anyone feel bad. I am just trying to be honest about what's going on inside of me. Clearly, God is at work trying to reveal something … and I am OK with that.)
Saturday, October 11, 2014
painful call
I've been up since 3 am. perhaps earlier tossing with restless legs. I haven't had them freak out on me in a while which I have to say has been nice for sleeping. But tonight God was speaking THROUGH them. I heard the Lord say that my restless legs are a prophetic call. So I began to pray about it again … trying to understand what its all for… a prophetic call for what?
I began to piece together what the Lord has already shown me about my legs. I had a friend share a dream with me just before we left NY last year … here is what I wrote about that a couple months later:
As I was praying about it recently and getting up at night to try and walk out a bit of the leg crazies ... the Lord tied together my restless legs with a dream a friend had about me. Here is the gist of her dream:
You had just come back from a prophecy conference or something like that and you were so excited - glowing and beautiful. And you were especially excited about this new way of praying that you had learned. You wanted to show me, so you laid down on the floor and twisted your legs into a crazy but beautiful position. And it was clear that the strength in prayer came from your legs and this crazy beautiful position could not be achieved by human means.
I have no idea what the fullness of this all means but God specifically brought this to mind and said this dream and my restless legs go together somehow…. God also said that He was training me for something…
The Spirit had me praying for your legs and somehow, someway your RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) is tied to hunger. He showed me Mephibosheth sitting at the king's table, but it was your face and body that I saw in the vision. I know it was Mephibosheth bc the Spirit made it clear to me by referring me back to David and his invitation to Meph. The vision picked up where the first one left off. Your mouth reappeared and you went to sit at the table with food beautifully displayed. You we're sitting and eating, but you we're savoring, not merely eating. Only you and the King were there. He was clothed in a heavily decked robe. It was white and gold. And you we're clothed in white, but I couldn't make out the details of your dress. Your radiance was so pure, so at peace, although there was a double edged sword (a small one) near your right arm on the table. At your left arm was a bowl of water.
So as I am praying through all of this … things are coming into my mind - understanding of scripture that was never there before. It comes kind of randomly and gets pieced into the right places. I remember that Mephibosheth's name means 'idol breaker'. That's a big deal when you are struggling to overcome a food idol … and an instant gratification - seek your own pleasure right now and ignore God - kind of idol. I thought through the story of Meph. He is Saul's grandson, he is Jonathan's son… David's best friend who is now gone. David has ascended to the throne and one of the first things he wants to do with his power is bless Saul's family - his enemy. He speaks with a servant of Saul's and learns about Meph. Meph is crippled in both legs. David invites him into the throne room and chooses to BLESS him. This is NOT what Meph is expecting … he is expecting death - for himself and his whole household. He is in the line of another king … he could be a usurper! BUT instead David wants to bless him! He gives all of Saul's family land back to him and asks a servant to care for it all and Meph will receive the blessings with none of the work! AND then David invites him to his table!!! THIS IS A CALL TO INTIMACY … not just physical blessings. God took care of those too … but the real blessing is fellowship with the KING. He was invited to intimate fellowship - to sit alongside of the king and share many meals in the days ahead - to be near Him and share life - to share food… the BEST food - at the Kings table.
I realized that my restless legs … and this dream from my friend, and this vision from another …. were all a PROPHETIC CALL INTO INTIMACY.
Well then since my door to God seemed to be open for a time I began to pray for other things too. I prayed earnestly for my kids to want to pursue God - to be filled with desire for Him. To long after Him and His word. That they would read His word and it would be alive to them. That He would make their hearts burst with Him.
Then a friend came to mind.
A dear friend of mine's husband … is suffering from head to toe in pain. And I began to prayerfully wonder what God was calling him to prophetically see about his life. If my legs can speak this to me … what does a whole body of pain want to speak to him? I felt like God gave me the answer!
It is a Job's call on his life.
And then God took me through a overview of the story of Job and then - knowing I had a few things off … told me to get up and read it and get some details fixed … i.e. the name of a main character ( Elihu… I was confusing him with Eliphaz) before I told my friends what God shared with me and I confused them!
The call to my friend is BIG. I believe God is calling him to examine everything right now and RE-EVALUATE. His job, his home, his relationship with his adopted daughter, his sons, his wife… all of life and set them before God and see what NEW thing God wants to show him.
In the story of Job … in the end God condemns Job's three friends … they did NOT speak for God … and then God blesses Job with a DOUBLE portion after taking all his wealth away. He also allowed all of his 10 children to die and returns to him 10 more children…. and his daughters are specifically mentioned.
Anyway - I am getting off track … I felt that God was calling my friend to examine his life - God is calling him to a huge shift that will affect everything. This pain is to stop him in his tracks and get him to listen. God is coming to speak … and this preparation is a proper humbling to get him ready to hear God. I felt that God was not going to strip away his family in any way - like he did to Job … but everything else is going to change.
This idea of thinking of our physical struggles as a way that God speaks to us came from Andrew Murray. He wrote a book called Divine Healing about this very thing. He wrote it after a 2 year stint where his was unable to speak much due to voice injury. For a pastor who proclaims the gospel as he did … that was a big deal. He went away on his own, and God pushed him into writing … because his voice was broken. BUT Andrew Murray still had so much to say! Without a voice - a pen would have to suffice! Now his voice is preserved! And his ministering to many beyond his generation! - to me! Well as Andrew Murray learned more and studied more … he went to a healing center somewhere in England and learned through scripture and counsel that God has purpose for all our struggles in life. They are a way to get our attention - so that we might hear Him better. So we have to ask big questions when they arise. And when we have walked through all our struggles … and God has taught us what we need to know … He may choose to heal.
My plantar fasciitis - my feet kill at times - speaks to me about walking ahead of God… just recently I noticed my feet hurt more than I thought they should - for no apparent good explanation … but then I needed to repent of going ahead of Him again.
My sore neck speaks of stubbornness - an unwilling spirit to go where God is leading.
my hip pain - speaks of a time of wrestling with God … or an invitation to wrestle with Him
my restless legs are a call into intimacy … so now I get what that is for .
my voice hurts regularly … its hard to speak and I can hardly sing anymore … why does God want me so quiet?
I wonder what my lower back pain is for? I haven't even thought of it in this context yet?
Yes I get that some of this comes with age … and perhaps I do need to see a doctor for some things … :) …. BUT even more than that … why has God allowed hurts to come into our life? They are there to speak to us - to help us see life differently … why? ….start asking some hard questions.
I began to piece together what the Lord has already shown me about my legs. I had a friend share a dream with me just before we left NY last year … here is what I wrote about that a couple months later:
As I was praying about it recently and getting up at night to try and walk out a bit of the leg crazies ... the Lord tied together my restless legs with a dream a friend had about me. Here is the gist of her dream:
You had just come back from a prophecy conference or something like that and you were so excited - glowing and beautiful. And you were especially excited about this new way of praying that you had learned. You wanted to show me, so you laid down on the floor and twisted your legs into a crazy but beautiful position. And it was clear that the strength in prayer came from your legs and this crazy beautiful position could not be achieved by human means.
I have no idea what the fullness of this all means but God specifically brought this to mind and said this dream and my restless legs go together somehow…. God also said that He was training me for something…
and here is a vision a friend shared with me from the Spring:
The Spirit had me praying for your legs and somehow, someway your RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) is tied to hunger. He showed me Mephibosheth sitting at the king's table, but it was your face and body that I saw in the vision. I know it was Mephibosheth bc the Spirit made it clear to me by referring me back to David and his invitation to Meph. The vision picked up where the first one left off. Your mouth reappeared and you went to sit at the table with food beautifully displayed. You we're sitting and eating, but you we're savoring, not merely eating. Only you and the King were there. He was clothed in a heavily decked robe. It was white and gold. And you we're clothed in white, but I couldn't make out the details of your dress. Your radiance was so pure, so at peace, although there was a double edged sword (a small one) near your right arm on the table. At your left arm was a bowl of water.
So as I am praying through all of this … things are coming into my mind - understanding of scripture that was never there before. It comes kind of randomly and gets pieced into the right places. I remember that Mephibosheth's name means 'idol breaker'. That's a big deal when you are struggling to overcome a food idol … and an instant gratification - seek your own pleasure right now and ignore God - kind of idol. I thought through the story of Meph. He is Saul's grandson, he is Jonathan's son… David's best friend who is now gone. David has ascended to the throne and one of the first things he wants to do with his power is bless Saul's family - his enemy. He speaks with a servant of Saul's and learns about Meph. Meph is crippled in both legs. David invites him into the throne room and chooses to BLESS him. This is NOT what Meph is expecting … he is expecting death - for himself and his whole household. He is in the line of another king … he could be a usurper! BUT instead David wants to bless him! He gives all of Saul's family land back to him and asks a servant to care for it all and Meph will receive the blessings with none of the work! AND then David invites him to his table!!! THIS IS A CALL TO INTIMACY … not just physical blessings. God took care of those too … but the real blessing is fellowship with the KING. He was invited to intimate fellowship - to sit alongside of the king and share many meals in the days ahead - to be near Him and share life - to share food… the BEST food - at the Kings table.
I realized that my restless legs … and this dream from my friend, and this vision from another …. were all a PROPHETIC CALL INTO INTIMACY.
Well then since my door to God seemed to be open for a time I began to pray for other things too. I prayed earnestly for my kids to want to pursue God - to be filled with desire for Him. To long after Him and His word. That they would read His word and it would be alive to them. That He would make their hearts burst with Him.
Then a friend came to mind.
A dear friend of mine's husband … is suffering from head to toe in pain. And I began to prayerfully wonder what God was calling him to prophetically see about his life. If my legs can speak this to me … what does a whole body of pain want to speak to him? I felt like God gave me the answer!
It is a Job's call on his life.
And then God took me through a overview of the story of Job and then - knowing I had a few things off … told me to get up and read it and get some details fixed … i.e. the name of a main character ( Elihu… I was confusing him with Eliphaz) before I told my friends what God shared with me and I confused them!
The call to my friend is BIG. I believe God is calling him to examine everything right now and RE-EVALUATE. His job, his home, his relationship with his adopted daughter, his sons, his wife… all of life and set them before God and see what NEW thing God wants to show him.
In the story of Job … in the end God condemns Job's three friends … they did NOT speak for God … and then God blesses Job with a DOUBLE portion after taking all his wealth away. He also allowed all of his 10 children to die and returns to him 10 more children…. and his daughters are specifically mentioned.
Anyway - I am getting off track … I felt that God was calling my friend to examine his life - God is calling him to a huge shift that will affect everything. This pain is to stop him in his tracks and get him to listen. God is coming to speak … and this preparation is a proper humbling to get him ready to hear God. I felt that God was not going to strip away his family in any way - like he did to Job … but everything else is going to change.
This idea of thinking of our physical struggles as a way that God speaks to us came from Andrew Murray. He wrote a book called Divine Healing about this very thing. He wrote it after a 2 year stint where his was unable to speak much due to voice injury. For a pastor who proclaims the gospel as he did … that was a big deal. He went away on his own, and God pushed him into writing … because his voice was broken. BUT Andrew Murray still had so much to say! Without a voice - a pen would have to suffice! Now his voice is preserved! And his ministering to many beyond his generation! - to me! Well as Andrew Murray learned more and studied more … he went to a healing center somewhere in England and learned through scripture and counsel that God has purpose for all our struggles in life. They are a way to get our attention - so that we might hear Him better. So we have to ask big questions when they arise. And when we have walked through all our struggles … and God has taught us what we need to know … He may choose to heal.
My plantar fasciitis - my feet kill at times - speaks to me about walking ahead of God… just recently I noticed my feet hurt more than I thought they should - for no apparent good explanation … but then I needed to repent of going ahead of Him again.
My sore neck speaks of stubbornness - an unwilling spirit to go where God is leading.
my hip pain - speaks of a time of wrestling with God … or an invitation to wrestle with Him
my restless legs are a call into intimacy … so now I get what that is for .
my voice hurts regularly … its hard to speak and I can hardly sing anymore … why does God want me so quiet?
I wonder what my lower back pain is for? I haven't even thought of it in this context yet?
Yes I get that some of this comes with age … and perhaps I do need to see a doctor for some things … :) …. BUT even more than that … why has God allowed hurts to come into our life? They are there to speak to us - to help us see life differently … why? ….start asking some hard questions.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
repenting again
I need to repent.
I have realized the last few days that all attempts at self-control in regards to eating have utterly failed.
This most recent attempt was a 40 day Medifast fast. I fasted through lunch, meals and snacks were to be Medifast meals which includes a lean and green meal for dinner. It seemed easy enough - I've done it a million times before. I've lost 50 pounds doing it before.
The problem is me. I can not bring myself to commit to more than a week or so of actually doing it. As soon as a scheduled break comes along … i.e. a girls night out to Cirque du Soleil with dinner beforehand - yay for me!… I am utterly derailed. Now REAL food has passed my lips and soon thereafter I let it sneak in everywhere else… especially over the weekends when life is less regimented.
So I began praying about this … and yesterday took a tour down blog memory lane. I reread posts from the last 5 months or so, and discovered that I HAVE DONE IT AGAIN. I have walked ahead of the Lord. I took this fast into my own hands because I am desperate. I REALLY want to lose my weight before the 40 mark - coming in January! Not a bad goal …. BUT it is not my main goal. My main purpose in this particular weight loss track is not actually to lose weight! Crazy good reminder.
It is instead to honor God with my body, to learn not to be mastered by food, to put off the old man and its addiction/idolatry for food!
The thing is God has already given me the answer for this like 6 billion times! Ok … so maybe not that many times… but quite a few. And the last time was in the Spring when He reminded me about the time that I spoke these very words out of my own mouth to myself : What if God wants me to be so dependent on Him that I pray and ask what I am supposed to eat each and every time I am hungry?
As I said those words out loud in front of a group of women … they were different. They had power and conviction… they were prophetic.
So if that is what God is calling me to… why can I still not manage to obey? Well off the top I can think of a lot! :
1. THIS IS WAY HARD!!!! Do you know how hard this is going to be God????? This is CRAZY hard.
2. I don't actually believe that God will show up and deliver…. Let's be honest this year of silence has sucked. Did I really believe you would show up and make this thing happen - when you were not saying anything at all to me. No I did not. Not even a little.
3. I thought that managing it and mixing in my own fix would be more helpful. So I started out trying to mix the Holy Spirit and Medifast. As if Medifast is some sort of Holy Grail of weight loss, at least I thought it was for me.
So there they are, THE big 3 … FEAR, UNBELIEF, and PRIDE.
Yup - repentance is in order.
Father, forgive me for being so stupid, again. Can you really forgive me again for making the same mistake over and over? I know it says to forgive 70x7 … but seriously I am a mess.
Forgive me for being afraid of such a big thing you were calling me to. All I saw in front of me was a big task and an opportunity to fail again and again and I wanted no part of it. I wanted what I thought was foolproof and trusted in a worldly plan instead of You. I forgot that you call us only to live this day before you … not this whole week, not next month or the years ahead. Just today. And fear took a grip in my heart. Help me to trust you and your goodness. Help me to believe that You are for me and never against. That You are the God of the Universe and that I am small and easily cared for by You - a Good and Gracious Father.
Forgive me for not believing that you would provide the grace I need - in the moment, in the DAY, that I need it. Help me to remember that where you lead - You provide! You give good gifts to all who seek, and ask, and call on your name, and provide the Spirit to those who ask.
And forgive me for being so presumptuous and mixing in YOUR plan with my plan… and for walking ahead of you and making MY own plan. Both have failed. Forgive me for lacking obedience and self-control … clearly not walking in the Spirit, and for not letting my Yes be Yes and my No - No.
Lord, I need help. More of your obvious Spirit-led help. Because clearly I am small and dumb and just can't manage this whole thing on my own. Please show up and conquer my doubts, conquer my unbelief and sin … and fill me with healing, and the power of the Holy Spirit. I need more of you and less of me … in so many ways. Father I invite you in to lead me and to heal me.
I know all of this has a part in that deep dark hole inside me that the Screaming One is guarding. Please come and shine your light - bring peace and freedom I pray. I thank you in advance for all that you have done and all that you WILL do. In Jesus' name and in the power of the Holy Spirit I pray. Amen
Today is new. I spoke to my husband who agrees that Medifast food should be no longer. I need to eat real food. I need to let the Lord direct me each day. How else am I going to learn to eat real food in a normal-for-me way? I am making no grand promises except to try and fail and try again and again and again if the need arises. Eventually God will retrain my ways. It has got to be His way. It has to.
I have realized the last few days that all attempts at self-control in regards to eating have utterly failed.
This most recent attempt was a 40 day Medifast fast. I fasted through lunch, meals and snacks were to be Medifast meals which includes a lean and green meal for dinner. It seemed easy enough - I've done it a million times before. I've lost 50 pounds doing it before.
The problem is me. I can not bring myself to commit to more than a week or so of actually doing it. As soon as a scheduled break comes along … i.e. a girls night out to Cirque du Soleil with dinner beforehand - yay for me!… I am utterly derailed. Now REAL food has passed my lips and soon thereafter I let it sneak in everywhere else… especially over the weekends when life is less regimented.
So I began praying about this … and yesterday took a tour down blog memory lane. I reread posts from the last 5 months or so, and discovered that I HAVE DONE IT AGAIN. I have walked ahead of the Lord. I took this fast into my own hands because I am desperate. I REALLY want to lose my weight before the 40 mark - coming in January! Not a bad goal …. BUT it is not my main goal. My main purpose in this particular weight loss track is not actually to lose weight! Crazy good reminder.
It is instead to honor God with my body, to learn not to be mastered by food, to put off the old man and its addiction/idolatry for food!
The thing is God has already given me the answer for this like 6 billion times! Ok … so maybe not that many times… but quite a few. And the last time was in the Spring when He reminded me about the time that I spoke these very words out of my own mouth to myself : What if God wants me to be so dependent on Him that I pray and ask what I am supposed to eat each and every time I am hungry?
As I said those words out loud in front of a group of women … they were different. They had power and conviction… they were prophetic.
So if that is what God is calling me to… why can I still not manage to obey? Well off the top I can think of a lot! :
1. THIS IS WAY HARD!!!! Do you know how hard this is going to be God????? This is CRAZY hard.
2. I don't actually believe that God will show up and deliver…. Let's be honest this year of silence has sucked. Did I really believe you would show up and make this thing happen - when you were not saying anything at all to me. No I did not. Not even a little.
3. I thought that managing it and mixing in my own fix would be more helpful. So I started out trying to mix the Holy Spirit and Medifast. As if Medifast is some sort of Holy Grail of weight loss, at least I thought it was for me.
So there they are, THE big 3 … FEAR, UNBELIEF, and PRIDE.
Yup - repentance is in order.
Father, forgive me for being so stupid, again. Can you really forgive me again for making the same mistake over and over? I know it says to forgive 70x7 … but seriously I am a mess.
Forgive me for being afraid of such a big thing you were calling me to. All I saw in front of me was a big task and an opportunity to fail again and again and I wanted no part of it. I wanted what I thought was foolproof and trusted in a worldly plan instead of You. I forgot that you call us only to live this day before you … not this whole week, not next month or the years ahead. Just today. And fear took a grip in my heart. Help me to trust you and your goodness. Help me to believe that You are for me and never against. That You are the God of the Universe and that I am small and easily cared for by You - a Good and Gracious Father.
Forgive me for not believing that you would provide the grace I need - in the moment, in the DAY, that I need it. Help me to remember that where you lead - You provide! You give good gifts to all who seek, and ask, and call on your name, and provide the Spirit to those who ask.
And forgive me for being so presumptuous and mixing in YOUR plan with my plan… and for walking ahead of you and making MY own plan. Both have failed. Forgive me for lacking obedience and self-control … clearly not walking in the Spirit, and for not letting my Yes be Yes and my No - No.
Lord, I need help. More of your obvious Spirit-led help. Because clearly I am small and dumb and just can't manage this whole thing on my own. Please show up and conquer my doubts, conquer my unbelief and sin … and fill me with healing, and the power of the Holy Spirit. I need more of you and less of me … in so many ways. Father I invite you in to lead me and to heal me.
I know all of this has a part in that deep dark hole inside me that the Screaming One is guarding. Please come and shine your light - bring peace and freedom I pray. I thank you in advance for all that you have done and all that you WILL do. In Jesus' name and in the power of the Holy Spirit I pray. Amen
Today is new. I spoke to my husband who agrees that Medifast food should be no longer. I need to eat real food. I need to let the Lord direct me each day. How else am I going to learn to eat real food in a normal-for-me way? I am making no grand promises except to try and fail and try again and again and again if the need arises. Eventually God will retrain my ways. It has got to be His way. It has to.
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