bondservant

I am reading a Mike Bickle book, 'Passion for Jesus', and so far its been fine… quite a lot repeats from the other book of his I read '7 Longings of the Human Heart'. But the most recent chapter is a summary of Song of Solomon… I have been listening to Mike Bickle's teaching series through SOS but in the last couple weeks settling into homeschooling I haven't listened to one. So it was nice to get the overview again.

But I am struck by a section I read last night referring to SOS 5: 6-8. The maiden in the story has been left alone by her Love aka The Lord …

I opened to my beloved,
    but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but found him not;
    I called him, but he gave no answer.

In Mike's book he says the maiden is put to the test. The withdrawal of His presence is to test her and it's not because she was disobedient BUT rather BECAUSE of her obedience and DESIRE for full maturity!!! Hmmmmm.

The next 2 paragraphs say this:

Does she serve God for the good feelings that she gets from His presence, or is she willing to be His without any conditions whatsoever? Jesus does not simply want to be a stepping-stone to better things. He is to be our magnificent obsession.

It is as if the Lord is saying, "Let me ask you, My bride: Am I only a source for your spiritual satisfaction, or am I the consuming reason for your very life? Am I a means to your end, or am I the very end goal of your life? Will you serve Me if there are no spiritual feelings? When My discernible presence is gone, will you still say, 'I am your loving bondservant'?"


Soooo if I had read that last year … I would have answered YES - YES you are!!! I want You and You only. But now, after living a year buried under dry, dry dirt … I am less convinced that I would be right.

I truly do want Jesus only … but what have I done in His absence the last year? I have been desperately fending off an addiction to food, and an addiction to distraction… aka TV (sometimes other forms). These 2 things speak so clearly of my need to constantly make myself happy. That Screaming One inside who seems never to be quiet unless I feed her with my addictions.

So is Jesus the source of my spiritual satisfaction … I would say resoundingly YES! BUT has He been the consuming reason for my very life? On the outside anybody would say yes! All my friends would say yes, people I minister to - would say yes. BUT when the Lord was 'absent' this past year where did I go looking for life … food, TV … things that made me happy in the moment. If God wasn't going to speak than I would wait on Him - YES … but half heartedly. I would give Him some time but in frustration with what seemed an unending silence - food and TV were always there to swoop in and distract when I felt spent. I was afraid to let the silence hurt me all the way through, so I would take a break from what seemed so hard, into something really familiar and easy.

So if I still had God's presence resting on me would I have seen this desperate hole in my life? Probably not. I knew these things were a struggle, even addiction - even idols in my life… but they seemed manageable. I knew that when God 'came back' he would help me conquer them … as I still believe… but I would not have seen the DEPTHS of the problem. It's not even the idols - though they are evil and a total pain in the ass - IT'S what they are COVERING that is the problem. The Screaming One is just the guardian of the problem that I am trying to feed continually with distraction. That shame, deep pain, that extreme self-hatred needs to be healed …. BUT I am still too busy feeding her. She needs to starve, she needs to scream louder, and I need to feel it.

I have given up a lot of food for these 40 days (don't worry folks I am still eating something!), but I have not given up TV. I had rationed my time down to just a small amount, but man, all day long I was looking forward to those few minutes. It has got to stop totally and it can … unlike food. (I considered a total 40 day fast from food but realized that many things in my life right now made that impossible … such as homeschooling). But if I am being honest, I do not want to hit the 'publish' button above because then I am ACCOUNTABLE to actually doing it. It's hard to let go of the thing that has been keeping you company all year… when there have been only a few new friends and soooo much quiet from the Lord. I have NO guarantee that the Lord will show up and BE present! And I have to let the Screaming One - scream! And I will have to look into that black hole - which will totally suck.

But I want Jesus more. Distraction be damned. Whatever you will, Lord, I am your loving bondservant.