she

Ahhh. I don't want to write. I don't want to do anything but ignore my kids, curl up, watch some TV, and eat junk food. That is my favorite place to hide.

But the cry even deeper in me is to press into the crap I feel and face it. I keep trying to face it, but I'm not getting very far. It's' frustrating because I really just want to be done and move on. It's not happening that fast… so running seems better.

I hate my inner conflict. I look at my life and I think 'I should be happy', 'I should be grateful', I should be filled with joy', I should be SOMETHING … instead of constantly miserable. TRULY, my circumstances are wonderful. Nothing is wrong. YET on the inside - I always feel out of step, I always FEEL wrong. There is always something RAGING on the inside. I rarely to never feel good, happy, joyful, content …. or however you would like to phrase that to make it sound theologically correct.

And that is where my particular form of false worship is born out of. My idolatry is all about making me happy…. even if it's just for the moment. I want to be happy so badly. I want the raging to stop and for peace to come. So I go to my hiding places; food = instant pleasure, TV = a regular distraction from the internal noise and EVEN the rush of anger releases the tension for a moment.

It's not even that I WANT to be happy … I NEED it. Because inside me lives this angry, raging, lunatic. She screams out from inside regularly wanting to be fed the food of my idolatry…. and just to make it stop for a moment … I feed her. I feed her whatever she wants - just to make it stop. Because I can't live like that, with someone screaming on the inside all the time - so angry, so filled with pain. This woman on the inside hates herself. And the food, the TV, and the rage … quiets her down for a little while.

I say 'she' because I know that 'she' is NOT me. I know that I am declared righteous, declared free, made one in Christ… that is what is true. BUT she is still here plaguing me … and I can NOT shake her. I have been asking for Jesus to deal with this for a VERY long time. I suppose there are layers and some have been removed … yet there is still more…. and she remains.

I know there is some way to live above all of this. But clearly, I am missing something there too, because I can not figure out the magic words to open that door either. Don't mistake me, I know this all comes from Jesus. He is sovereign and has a purpose and plan to allow all of this. He also has a way out - He just hasn't revealed it to me yet. Clearly, my job, my lot in life is to deal with this inner conflict.  Probably, just for the sheer fact that God wants me to help others deal with theirs.

Or maybe I am wrong … and 'she' really is me? Perhaps that is the misstep? She is a wounded inner part of myself that is yet unredeemed. ( nobody freak out … I know my whole self is redeemed ) But perhaps this part of me hasn't had her 'come to Jesus' moment yet. She is still stuck in the lie that joy in Jesus IS not just meant for others but to be hers as well. But why has she missed out? What is she missing or misunderstood? Cause, I just don't know.

I do know that she is guarding my most vulnerable places. The soft and tenderest parts of me. The ones that would get hurt the most if they were left to roam free. This is why it is soooo very hard to be encouraging, and humble, and kind. To answer in a quiet peaceful way. To please others first, to think of others before myself. To touch my kids with tenderness. To speak love over them. To feel joy and contentment. To just enjoy life.

I feel the Lord at work in deep places in me. I can feel Him burning in my chest right now. But what I desperately want to do is find a cookie, turn the TV on, and hide out. pray for me.