where am I?

I am not sure where I am.

This morning I woke up anxious about details in life. Homeschooling is around the corner … begins again next week… and I feel unprepared in my spirit for it. Unprepared to love my kids well through it.

But that is only some of it… the anxiety comes and goes quite a lot lately. It has made it hard to make decisions and feel any kind of peace about how I spend my time, or even what I make for dinner, or any purchases I need to make for the house. Everything feels 'off'. I never seem to know what I should do next. And while I am doing something … it feels like I 'should' be doing something else.

Last week on Monday I spent the afternoon locked in my bedroom - on my closet floor crying. I wasn't even sure what I was crying about. But it took hours to work through while my kids fended for themselves on the other side of the door. I JUST KNEW I could NOT be seen. I cried out to God for rescue or for understanding … really anything!! Finally after time I started to paint … just to put my mind on something - put my hands in something. Whatever God was doing it hurt on the inside.

It feels like God is rearranging me on the inside. Opening up doors in me that haven't been opened in years. Things that I would like to keep buried … but I can't if I truly want to change. In my last post I spoke about the Screaming One living within me…. I know I can not leave her there undealt with, BUT man, I really don't want to deal with her!!! The rearranging at times feels good and other times feels like I am being poked and prodded by a surgeon with no anesthetic. The wounds need to get sewn up and healed though… so I have to stay open.

I am thankful that God is moving …

Here's what little I know so far… as I continually wait on the 'break through' revelation of God. That piece of information that when spoken by God will make all of 'this' make sense… will make all of this worth it … it brings healing and repentance and peace. Man, I am longing for that moment.

The Screaming One inside me is a guardian. She is protecting something very precious and terrified, wounded and vulnerable in me. What exactly it is -- I am not sure. That is the revelation I think I need. But I think it has something to do with crushed longings in me.

I started reading a book by Mike Bickle that he suggested in his teaching series on the Song Of Solomon, its called 'The Seven Longings of the Human Heart'. I am astonished as I am reading it how little we talk about our longings. We spend way more time focused on our sin and how we can eradicate it. The problem is that many times I think, we confuse our God given longings FOR sin, instead of recognizing them as an actual NEED that must be filled with God and Him alone. So we end up confessing this NEED as sin to God … rather than asking Him to fill us up with a greater desire, understanding and fullness of the longing He has created in us.

Anyway … as I am reading it … the first chapter was about understanding our 'longing to be enjoyed by God'. I read it and feel like 'yes' I indeed have things to learn in this area … but that my problem lies not in missing that, or misunderstanding that, but that something in ME … on this side of the equation is missing. I think that is what this last year has taught me … that even though I felt buried … I KNEW that God loved me. It was the first time in my history as a believer that I did not doubt that God loved me … in the midst of trial. I think that what I don't get has to do with misunderstanding something about myself - or how I am created - or who I am - or how I have deceived myself in someway…. rather than a wrongly held belief about God. I think it's something like … I am too ugly, too sinful, I want to be beautiful for myself and my own glory… I am unseen or don't want to be seen…

anyway … it's still unclear. But everything seems to be pointing in that direction. This need to be beautiful/not ugly/seen whatever it is … can be seen in the way that I have tried to cover it. My struggles with weight and eating, not wanting to be in front of people, wanting to hide. It seems like a deeply held shame of some kind. Even the memories God has brought to mind … the time I was lost, and more recently remembering not even answering to my own name in Jr. High, because a more beautiful/popular Amy existed in school and they were usually calling out for her. These are the things that God keeps showing me.

My head is spinning … but I am glad God finally brought that word SHAME out … that is the word… now I just need to know WHAT it is. That is what the Screaming One is trying to keep hidden. It must be so painful whatever it is...

she

Ahhh. I don't want to write. I don't want to do anything but ignore my kids, curl up, watch some TV, and eat junk food. That is my favorite place to hide.

But the cry even deeper in me is to press into the crap I feel and face it. I keep trying to face it, but I'm not getting very far. It's' frustrating because I really just want to be done and move on. It's not happening that fast… so running seems better.

I hate my inner conflict. I look at my life and I think 'I should be happy', 'I should be grateful', I should be filled with joy', I should be SOMETHING … instead of constantly miserable. TRULY, my circumstances are wonderful. Nothing is wrong. YET on the inside - I always feel out of step, I always FEEL wrong. There is always something RAGING on the inside. I rarely to never feel good, happy, joyful, content …. or however you would like to phrase that to make it sound theologically correct.

And that is where my particular form of false worship is born out of. My idolatry is all about making me happy…. even if it's just for the moment. I want to be happy so badly. I want the raging to stop and for peace to come. So I go to my hiding places; food = instant pleasure, TV = a regular distraction from the internal noise and EVEN the rush of anger releases the tension for a moment.

It's not even that I WANT to be happy … I NEED it. Because inside me lives this angry, raging, lunatic. She screams out from inside regularly wanting to be fed the food of my idolatry…. and just to make it stop for a moment … I feed her. I feed her whatever she wants - just to make it stop. Because I can't live like that, with someone screaming on the inside all the time - so angry, so filled with pain. This woman on the inside hates herself. And the food, the TV, and the rage … quiets her down for a little while.

I say 'she' because I know that 'she' is NOT me. I know that I am declared righteous, declared free, made one in Christ… that is what is true. BUT she is still here plaguing me … and I can NOT shake her. I have been asking for Jesus to deal with this for a VERY long time. I suppose there are layers and some have been removed … yet there is still more…. and she remains.

I know there is some way to live above all of this. But clearly, I am missing something there too, because I can not figure out the magic words to open that door either. Don't mistake me, I know this all comes from Jesus. He is sovereign and has a purpose and plan to allow all of this. He also has a way out - He just hasn't revealed it to me yet. Clearly, my job, my lot in life is to deal with this inner conflict.  Probably, just for the sheer fact that God wants me to help others deal with theirs.

Or maybe I am wrong … and 'she' really is me? Perhaps that is the misstep? She is a wounded inner part of myself that is yet unredeemed. ( nobody freak out … I know my whole self is redeemed ) But perhaps this part of me hasn't had her 'come to Jesus' moment yet. She is still stuck in the lie that joy in Jesus IS not just meant for others but to be hers as well. But why has she missed out? What is she missing or misunderstood? Cause, I just don't know.

I do know that she is guarding my most vulnerable places. The soft and tenderest parts of me. The ones that would get hurt the most if they were left to roam free. This is why it is soooo very hard to be encouraging, and humble, and kind. To answer in a quiet peaceful way. To please others first, to think of others before myself. To touch my kids with tenderness. To speak love over them. To feel joy and contentment. To just enjoy life.

I feel the Lord at work in deep places in me. I can feel Him burning in my chest right now. But what I desperately want to do is find a cookie, turn the TV on, and hide out. pray for me.

Song of Songs

Not much has happened since my last post…. with the Lord anyway. Lots has happened in life, like moving, settling into a new home and neighborhood, a visit from from my mom and step-father to help unpack, and pure crazy exhaustion. But with the Lord it is still quite quiet. There was one small thing though … I felt Him calling me to read the Song of Solomon again. I say again, because I had felt that earlier in the year … and read it through a bunch of times. I even got a book written by Hudson Taylor on it … but in all the silence nothing really clicked and I moved on.

I have to say all the silence is still very hard. Yesterday I was in a funk all day and I wasn't sure why but now as I wake up this morning I realize it's the silence. I keep waiting for the Lord to show up and surprise me, but to be honest my pursuit has slowed down so much. I am tired of trying, of waiting.

So I read through The Song again … a few things stood out a little. But I confess I just don't really 'get' the Song of Solomon. Intellectually I know it can be read to enhance marital love and enjoyment of sex … but I also know that it's meant to be read in a spiritual sense that escapes me totally. Every time I read an old mystic writer from the past they quote The Song. They talk of knowing God intimately through this book, understanding the depths of His love because of it. I JUST was not one of those who got it!!

But I have decided (just now, I think!) to camp here. A few years ago I camped out with the Lord in Psalm 23 for about a year - It was glorious. I read that psalm every day - many times a day, meditated on it, prayed through it, breathed it in and out to the Lord. He taught me a lot through that time. BUT at least I understood some of it - intellectually!! The Song is full of symbols I just don't get - and it will require some study. So I remembered hearing that Mike Bickle (International House of Prayer - Kansas City) has taught on this. I looked for his sermon series online and I have listened to the intro and first teaching. Already, I can feel the Lord nudging me… saying' Yes, A---- , this is it! Keep going!!'

I know the Lord is calling me to spend more time with Him … even though He is still quiet. As I was rereading Hudson Taylor's book - I realized I just need to get up in the morning and sit before the Lord - even if nothing happens. Read the Song and wait on Him. To me right now that sounds so painful. Submitting to more silence. BUT I need to stay open to whatever He asks… even this. Stay at the edge of the cliff and wait.