Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I realized that the next day I would be heading back to church. I hadn't been there in 4 weeks because we were on vacation. I was confronted with the fact that I hadn't really spent that much time with the Lord while we were away. Our vacation was full, too full. And though I relished reconnecting with many friends and family, it wasn't a restful, quiet vacation. And even when I tried to read scripture, it fell flat, as per usual for me this past year. I tried to read an Andrew Murray book, but it was too hard to concentrate. Prayers were usually just one cry -' Jesus '- as I awoke in the morning. Spiritually I am drained and spent.
As I was trying to fall to sleep I became quite restless. Annoyed with myself that I hadn't tried harder to spend time with Jesus. But honestly, I don't think I had it in me. I think I just don't have any more 'try' in me. There is nothing left to try - I have tried it all.
Then The Lord brought to my mind a memory.
When I was maybe 2 or 3 years old, my mother and brothers and I were at the Mall. And I got lost. I don't remember all the details and my mother remembers the whole thing very differently than I do, but I remember enough.
I thought I was right with my mom, right next to her. Suddenly, I looked up after what seemed an eternity of waiting for her to finish whatever she was doing with a sales lady, and she was NOT there. It was somebody else…
I didn't know what to do or think because I thought she was right there the whole time. Suddenly the tears of realization started falling down in great big sobs. I was lost. Mommy was no where. I couldn't see her anywhere. And I could not make it better.
I sat down on the orange carpeting under a rack of clothes and just cried. It seemed to be forever.
Finally, I was rescued by a kind lady who helped me find a sales clerk, who called security. My Mom came back and I was FOUND. I belonged again.
When my mom relays this story she told me that I was gone for almost an hour - an eternity for a child and a frantic mom. I had wandered from one end of the mall to the other - I can only imagine I thought I was following my mom somewhere. For much of that time however, I didn't know I was lost, I thought I was with my Mom, until I wasn't... and began the heaving sobs.
As I lived this memory again I wondered why God brought it to mind. And then this verse from Luke 11: 5-13 came to mind too, and I felt compelled to read it.
And he (Jesus) said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs.
And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”
It was the second part that was brought to my mind about asking, seeking, and knocking etc… But when I read it … what stood out was the impudence part - it stirred thoughts. Impudence means to be bold, brazen, arrogant, obtrusive. The friend asking for bread was getting in the way of sleep! He was disrupting the man's whole household! So because of his brazen interruption - the man was welled up with anger - a anger that got him out of bed to get the bread so the whole thing could be over and done with, and he could get back to sleeping!
So I asked God "Haven't I asked? Haven't I been seeking? Haven't I been knocking? I have been impudent, brazen, AND bold! I have been angry, sad, and every shade in between! So why haven't I received? Why haven't I found? Why hasn't the door been opened? You are a good Father … but I FEEL like I have gotten nothing … though I am really glad not to get a serpent and a scorpion! You do give GOOD gifts. Truly, I have nothing to complain about in life… everything IS good. BUT you have set me to seek for MORE. To find FULLNESS in you… "
I fell into a fitful sleep with those questions on my mind. I got up this morning reluctantly to head off to church. I didn't really want to engage anyone and have the same conversations over again. I hoped that the sermon or worship would speak to me in some way - I am not sure if they did directly - but being in the midst of the body - The Spirit did engage with me.
The memory of being lost from my Mother that day came back to my mind. Except this time I saw The Father in the scene. I was wandering in the halls of the Mall lost not knowing it at first, and The Father was following behind watching. Then I realized I was lost, and I didn't know where to turn, I was crying, frustrated, and there was no one to reach out to. I really, really wanted myself to turn around and see the Father, but I didn't or couldn't. As the onlooker I was angry at God. Why would He let me wander for so long lost, crying, and alone? Why wouldn't He wrap His arms around me and say 'here I am, I'm right here!' ? In the image I was a little child … why - truly WHY - would He leave me like that? When He was there the whole time? No parent I know would do that. Knowing full well, that all I want is those arms around me, telling me I am with HIM.
I sat there thinking about this while I listened to the sermon. Our Pastor brought up Philippians 4 where Paul talks about being content in all circumstances. And I asked God … 'Am I supposed to be content in this? Am I supposed to learn how to live in this state of unrest? Really what is my problem anyway? Because there is NOTHING wrong in my circumstances, everything there is great… great husband, kids, new house, great family, heck I just had a 2 and 1/2 week long vacation!! BUT why then am I SOOOOO very discontent?
It's intimacy. There is no intimacy between me and the Father right now. I know He is here … but I don't feel Him here. I have no connection. I KNOW I am saved. I know I am a new creature in Christ. I can share the gospel with someone right now, and truly mean every word I say. I can even get excited about it for them, because I know there is no other way for them to feel true freedom, true joy in life. I know and truly believe ALL of that … but if I am not intimate with Him… THE JOY OF BEING WITH HIM IS NOT PRESENT… and the all - the good things, the right answers - all become stale. I am the little girl lost waiting to be found, waiting for the arms to be wrapped around me telling me I AM WITH HIM.
Our Pastor was up on stage talking about our freedom in Christ and that we need to lay down our freedoms for the Gospel and be the living sacrifices He is calling us to. YES - I agree. I want that. BUT I CAN NOT DO IT … not without INTIMACY. No one can. NO ONE CAN. It is the deep KNOWING that allows us to sacrifice… and that is an act of the Spirit.
Then the Lord took me on a survey of some verses… the Philippians 4 verse about contentment … can only come if we are truly intimate with Christ - truly ONE. The abiding of John 15 only happens when you are ONE, the sacrifice of Jesus only happens because of His ONENESS with the Father … John 13 says that because Jesus knew who He was, and where He was going … He arose and washed the disciples feet… and went to the cross. Philippians 3 - counting all things as loss - can only happen if we are truly intimate with Jesus - truly ONE. Each is empowered by the Spirit.
There is supposed to be feeling, right? I am supposed to KNOW when I am ONE with Him. Isn't that what Song of Solomon is for? To teach us about what oneness looks like! It is full of emotion and heat and love and passion and fire!!! So why don't I feel it? I have prayed for all of those things. I know what I have been declared … but that is NOT the same as KNOWING! Intimacy is being face to face, breath on breath, body on body. I know I don't have that… not right now… but I have had it before… and I don't want to settle for less. And I don't think it is unreasonable or unrealistic … this IS what He has promised. IT IS. That is what John 17 is all about. The High Priestly Prayer as some call it, is Jesus impassioned plea for us to be one with each other, and Him, and the Father.
John 17: 3, 20-21
3 This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.
20 “I do not ask on behalf of these alone, but for those also who believe in Me through their word; 21 that they may all be one; even as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You sent Me.
It is knowing this kind of profound intimacy - this KNOWING - this oneness - that is eternal life … and we get to taste that now… and there is always more to taste… more to KNOW about Him - know with Him.
So can I be content with less of Him? No … THAT is what is crazy. I have had so many people look at me like I am crazy for wanting something more. Something more of Jesus - like I am expecting too much, or expecting Jesus to be or act a certain way… but that is NOT it. I KNOW there is more. I know what He has promised. Contentment will only be born out of this deep down in my guts, face to face intimacy with Jesus. And this year of waiting, this year of being buried, was all about capacity - growing space for MORE. The waiting was about growing the longing, the need, the desperation for Him.
As we got up to sing our final songs this morning all of this was ringing in my mind. I could sense the Spirit working in me, and in others around me. I said a short prayer for the the people of my church to know this oneness - this intimacy - because THAT is what will change the world. I couldn't even really sing I just got up and wrapped my arms around myself and moved with the music. And then ever so quietly I felt the Lord reach His arms around me and whisper "I've got you… I am here." It was so subtle I wasn't sure it happened... until the tears came down my face… and I just knew…
He IS with me.
