I feel like my life is a bunch of puzzle pieces laid out in front of me. I don't understand how they could possibly all fit together because when I look at them - to me - they just do NOT make sense. I do not know what I am supposed to do with them, what my next step is, in fact, this whole year has felt like that ... just a lot of waiting. The Lord asking me to wait, and keep trusting, keep turning my eyes back onto Him.... no matter how confounded I am.
Here are the list of the pieces that I see...
- a dream from a friend who told me that I would come back and see her after I had been away, and I would be so excited - be glowing to show her a new way that the Lord had shown me to pray. In the dream I would then get on the floor and twist my legs up in a way impossibly beautiful and demonstrate.
- the Lord telling me that my restless leg syndrome and this dream are tied together.
- a dream that the Lord gave to me about rescuing captives, setting sex slave victims free.
- a long time of silence with the Lord, where He was quietly herding me into understanding that I was buried in the dirt with Him. Eventually, coming to understand that I am dead in Christ.
- That i only have ONE nature and not two. I am made new/alive/resurrected in CHRIST. I died with Him, but He is alive in me. It is no longer I who live - BUT he lives in me.
- That this skin - this body - is still filled with sin ... it is yet unredeemed, but my real self - my new spirit - is joined with the HOLY Spirit - is indeed united with Christ.
- That I still don't fully understand this union with Christ - but That I am waiting on His revelation to right what is still missing/misunderstood/still stuck in unbelief.
- In my body - my flesh I can not conjure up any of the fruit of the Spirit ... He must do all through our union
- That I am supposed to continue homeschooling ... so that I might be able to love on my kids the truths that the Lord is showing to me.
- That the lord has kept me quiet and isolated this past year for a reason.
- That the Lord has sent me tons of encouragement to keep pressing into Him even when it has been so hard and flat and quiet. That he loves me and continues to pursue me - work on me - even in the quiet.
- another dream from another friend - about the phonograph and phonogram. The graph plays the the things of the Spirit, while the gram records and is waiting for a new message of the Spirit. They are both sitting by the ocean ... which I have come to understand is His voice ... as described in the Bible - the sound of rushing waters.
- another vision from another friend about sitting at the feast of the Lamb - mouthless and confused - unable to eat the feast in front of me ... and the Lord shouting 'I want your appetite!'
- fasting thru Lent ... struggling against my idol of food/ pleasing myself rather than the Lord, hearing the Lord say 'I want you hungry' ... reading the Piper book and feeling like the Lord was leading me to fast and pray for causes.
- another vision from a friend about the feast of the Lamb ... this time eating and at peace - present with the Lord with a double edged sword on my right and a bowl of water on my left.... I was invited to the table like Mephibosheth ... his name means idol breaker ... she tied in my restless legs to this vision
- feeling led to pray before anytime I eat and ask whether I am to eat or to fast and pray ....( by the way I am struggling with this a lot!!!)
These are my pieces ... they feel big ... not even one feels minor to me. But I don't know what it all means. The Lord is still so quiet laying out all the pieces for me to see. When will He put them all together so I can see what it is all for?
I NEED revelation! Lord, I know I can not understand this without YOU! I am being impatient. I want to keep moving ahead to see the answer, but I know You will reveal it only in Your time. But my longing to live in Your fullness never goes away while I wait.... thus causing the IMPATIENCE! When I have tasted what is best - how can I ever go back to less and be satisfied? Yet I know you are in this ... and that You always lead us to a glorious destination ... where we see you more clearly. That is what I want. May Your name be glorified.
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