I feel like my life is a bunch of puzzle pieces laid out in front of me. I don't understand how they could possibly all fit together because when I look at them - to me - they just do NOT make sense. I do not know what I am supposed to do with them, what my next step is, in fact, this whole year has felt like that ... just a lot of waiting. The Lord asking me to wait, and keep trusting, keep turning my eyes back onto Him.... no matter how confounded I am.
Here are the list of the pieces that I see...
- a dream from a friend who told me that I would come back and see her after I had been away, and I would be so excited - be glowing to show her a new way that the Lord had shown me to pray. In the dream I would then get on the floor and twist my legs up in a way impossibly beautiful and demonstrate.
- the Lord telling me that my restless leg syndrome and this dream are tied together.
- a dream that the Lord gave to me about rescuing captives, setting sex slave victims free.
- a long time of silence with the Lord, where He was quietly herding me into understanding that I was buried in the dirt with Him. Eventually, coming to understand that I am dead in Christ.
- That i only have ONE nature and not two. I am made new/alive/resurrected in CHRIST. I died with Him, but He is alive in me. It is no longer I who live - BUT he lives in me.
- That this skin - this body - is still filled with sin ... it is yet unredeemed, but my real self - my new spirit - is joined with the HOLY Spirit - is indeed united with Christ.
- That I still don't fully understand this union with Christ - but That I am waiting on His revelation to right what is still missing/misunderstood/still stuck in unbelief.
- In my body - my flesh I can not conjure up any of the fruit of the Spirit ... He must do all through our union
- That I am supposed to continue homeschooling ... so that I might be able to love on my kids the truths that the Lord is showing to me.
- That the lord has kept me quiet and isolated this past year for a reason.
- That the Lord has sent me tons of encouragement to keep pressing into Him even when it has been so hard and flat and quiet. That he loves me and continues to pursue me - work on me - even in the quiet.
- another dream from another friend - about the phonograph and phonogram. The graph plays the the things of the Spirit, while the gram records and is waiting for a new message of the Spirit. They are both sitting by the ocean ... which I have come to understand is His voice ... as described in the Bible - the sound of rushing waters.
- another vision from another friend about sitting at the feast of the Lamb - mouthless and confused - unable to eat the feast in front of me ... and the Lord shouting 'I want your appetite!'
- fasting thru Lent ... struggling against my idol of food/ pleasing myself rather than the Lord, hearing the Lord say 'I want you hungry' ... reading the Piper book and feeling like the Lord was leading me to fast and pray for causes.
- another vision from a friend about the feast of the Lamb ... this time eating and at peace - present with the Lord with a double edged sword on my right and a bowl of water on my left.... I was invited to the table like Mephibosheth ... his name means idol breaker ... she tied in my restless legs to this vision
- feeling led to pray before anytime I eat and ask whether I am to eat or to fast and pray ....( by the way I am struggling with this a lot!!!)
These are my pieces ... they feel big ... not even one feels minor to me. But I don't know what it all means. The Lord is still so quiet laying out all the pieces for me to see. When will He put them all together so I can see what it is all for?
I NEED revelation! Lord, I know I can not understand this without YOU! I am being impatient. I want to keep moving ahead to see the answer, but I know You will reveal it only in Your time. But my longing to live in Your fullness never goes away while I wait.... thus causing the IMPATIENCE! When I have tasted what is best - how can I ever go back to less and be satisfied? Yet I know you are in this ... and that You always lead us to a glorious destination ... where we see you more clearly. That is what I want. May Your name be glorified.
Monday, June 2, 2014
all good
Ok so the 15 days of throwing out my fleece to God are done. THE house - the ONE - the only one I felt God speaking to me about is indeed gone/sold... not for me.
I like the house we are buying ... and in many ways it is nicer and will be easier to deal with. The only thing I didn't like is that I could not HEAR God's voice saying it was the ONE. To someone else that may not matter ... they may look at a house and asses whether it met their needs and decided based on likes and dislikes or price or location. That is totally fine. Certainly, I looked at all those things as well, BUT what I wanted most was to KNOW that it was what God had for us.
So what happened?
I think I did. I say I think because I am not 100% sure, but am pretty darn sure. Here's what I mean.
When THE house - not the one we are currently looking at - came back on the market we had an opportunity to get it by VERY special means. I can not go into the specifics but it was going to be a very cool story. One that glorified God and we could share with others about His unique ways of providing. I was excited about that. So excited in fact, that when my husband asked me to keep my mouth shut about it .... I DIDN'T. I am terrible at keeping a 'happy' secret. I was bursting with excitement and shared it with family and some friends. While I was sharing with the ONE person my husband was very specific about ... I KNEW I should not.... But I went ahead anyway, ignoring that nudge. And there was more than one of those nudges that I ignored.
I believe it was this lack of obedience to God, this lack of submission to my husband, that God removed the blessing He had prepared for me. What did I want more than anything else as I looked at homes? I wanted His voice to be clear... and it was only clear in ONE house.
Do I think God is punishing me? No, He still is providing a home for us. And it is a very nice home. BUT it lacked His voice... the peace I sought more than anything else. The assurance that we were pursuing His desires for us. The Lord is disciplining me, showing me how important it is to listen in everything ... even if it is my husband asking me to keep a 'happy' secret for a time.
So what's up with the house we ARE buying? I asked God to stop it if it was not what He wanted ... and He has not done that. I prayed that I would receive peace if we were to continue ... and each day I get more. Do I feel like I missed out on that other house? ... Yes. Not because one is better than the other, or anything like that ... but because I missed out on the assurance of His voice and the crazy story of His glory that would have resulted. Now I have this story instead. Regardless, His plan is best ... and perhaps the plan all along was to learn this lesson... and so I am at peace with it. I truly believe He can and will use us wherever He has us, and so I am excited to see what unfolds.
I like the house we are buying ... and in many ways it is nicer and will be easier to deal with. The only thing I didn't like is that I could not HEAR God's voice saying it was the ONE. To someone else that may not matter ... they may look at a house and asses whether it met their needs and decided based on likes and dislikes or price or location. That is totally fine. Certainly, I looked at all those things as well, BUT what I wanted most was to KNOW that it was what God had for us.
So what happened?
I think I did. I say I think because I am not 100% sure, but am pretty darn sure. Here's what I mean.
When THE house - not the one we are currently looking at - came back on the market we had an opportunity to get it by VERY special means. I can not go into the specifics but it was going to be a very cool story. One that glorified God and we could share with others about His unique ways of providing. I was excited about that. So excited in fact, that when my husband asked me to keep my mouth shut about it .... I DIDN'T. I am terrible at keeping a 'happy' secret. I was bursting with excitement and shared it with family and some friends. While I was sharing with the ONE person my husband was very specific about ... I KNEW I should not.... But I went ahead anyway, ignoring that nudge. And there was more than one of those nudges that I ignored.
I believe it was this lack of obedience to God, this lack of submission to my husband, that God removed the blessing He had prepared for me. What did I want more than anything else as I looked at homes? I wanted His voice to be clear... and it was only clear in ONE house.
Do I think God is punishing me? No, He still is providing a home for us. And it is a very nice home. BUT it lacked His voice... the peace I sought more than anything else. The assurance that we were pursuing His desires for us. The Lord is disciplining me, showing me how important it is to listen in everything ... even if it is my husband asking me to keep a 'happy' secret for a time.
So what's up with the house we ARE buying? I asked God to stop it if it was not what He wanted ... and He has not done that. I prayed that I would receive peace if we were to continue ... and each day I get more. Do I feel like I missed out on that other house? ... Yes. Not because one is better than the other, or anything like that ... but because I missed out on the assurance of His voice and the crazy story of His glory that would have resulted. Now I have this story instead. Regardless, His plan is best ... and perhaps the plan all along was to learn this lesson... and so I am at peace with it. I truly believe He can and will use us wherever He has us, and so I am excited to see what unfolds.
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