the last one?

I am in a bit of a funk today. I have 2 big things going on in my life right now. The house hunt and fasting for Lent and both feel like a weight.

The house hunt seems less important to me in some ways. I think because it's not a spiritual issue that my mind deems it less important. And since I am currently not living in a ditch somewhere with my family ... and we are not suffering, this equals in my mind - less important. But alas it is a HUGE decision. It is huge because it will pretty much be the place we set down roots here in our new Florida home AND because it costs lots of money. Both very good reasons not to rush in and just find something - even though we are not relishing apartment life. So this decision and all the hunting that goes with it feels burdensome. I want to hear the Lord clearly and KNOW we are following His will and desires for us. I am trying not to worry about it all and just rest in the Lord and wait on his leading... but my husband is growing impatient with the process! He wants it done. And I get it - I would love to be done too - but not at the expense of choosing what is NOT meant for us.

The second big thing is fasting. This is my final week of the official Lenten fast... today begins my 6th fast and I will be fasting from Sunday dinner until Friday breakfast. Unfortunately, I do have a small break in there for a dinner that had to be rescheduled - so Tuesday for dinner I will be eating something lite. I considered going up through Easter morning but I have a lot of church decorating to do and I know that it will be crazy stressful and I don't want to be tired or dizzy or worn out.

I am happy in some sense to be almost done, but sad in other ways. I am happy to be able to eat more regularly again - even if I will still be on my Medifast plan. I have realized that eating is truly a blessing... and I think I have gained a new appreciation for being thankful about food and being filled up. But I am going to miss it too. There is an ease to not eating. The battle in my mind that happens in the kitchen is for the most part soooo very quiet now. Last week I had some serious temptation to give up on it all, but other than that - quiet. All that noise was too much a part of my day and life before - and I truly hope it does not return.

But the things I really wanted to change seem still the same to me. My idol still seems to be present. I know I still have a week and God can do as he pleases but I was truly hoping for that desire for self-soothing pleasure - especially in the form of food - would just die off totally in me. That God would break its hold over me and free me completely. That hasn't happened... yet... and perhaps it never will. I have realized that even more important to God is that I learn to pray at the start of each day, each meal, and each snack for HIM to guide me to whether I eat or fast. So that if He calls me to eat - I can be thankful and give Him the glory, and if He calls me to fast - I am thankful for a chance to catch up with Him and be open to intercession.

Obedience is a big deal to God. Obedience even in the face of temptation. I am never going to get it right all the time ... but that is why we NEED Jesus. He got it right and now stands in our place declaring us perfect... not so that we can just give up trying, but so that we can keep learning to live in His strength. So what does obedience look like for me here... it means not giving up. Even if I screw up I can always get back on track - chasing after the truth, confessing my sin, and letting it all be left with Jesus - and have that be enough! It means listening to the Spirit, and actually doing what He says, and resting in His power to conquer this flesh. And in those moments when I get it right - taking time to praise Him for the strength HE gave to get it right!