temptation

Today dawns on day number 33 of Lent. My 5th fast began today. Next week in theory is my last fast... of LENT. But I am also feeling like it may NEED to continue to have it's full work in me.... we shall see where God leads (herds) me next.

This fast (today's) has been different from the rest. I really, REALLY, did not want to fast this week. I want to eat but not just any food - I want to eat carbs!!! My taboo food - the food that sucks me into all my evil places - the place where I soothe and comfort myself, and justify my gluttony with little lies to myself and others. I want to just be normal, and eat with my family, and enjoy the taste of it on my tongue. I want that rush of delight. I want my stomach full and my headache gone. I want to satisfy my urge and desire, I want the pain in my stomach to be sated. I don't want to feel dizzy each time I get up, and I don't want to feel weak in my arms and legs. None of that has been fun.

Temptation has been knocking hard today... and I want to just throw it all away and run to the store and get something yummy to eat and sit down in front of Netflix and just tune out life.

Up until this fast it has been relatively easy to enter into fasting. I felt prepared and even eager at times. But I also feel like I wasn't getting anywhere... other than losing some weight. That is fine - but again not the goal. Last week I weighed myself and realized that since I started losing weight last summer I have lost a total of 30 pounds! That was amazing and encouraging to me... but it also gave my flesh license to relax... like way - WAY - too much. Somewhere deep inside I took pride in the lost weight and felt a reward was due. So I let myself loose and gave myself some treats ... 2 pieces of the cake for my daughters birthday, a bagel, some crackers, etc... Again none of this is bad in the hands of someone who eats without bowing down to an idol. And this may even sound tame to someone who does struggle with food - like perhaps I am being too hard on myself. BUT the problem is - I know what this does to ME. It is the gateway drug and soon I will let myself go back to the place where I overindulge - regularly.

This can not be. I can not do this again - I can not go there again. Jesus help. Be bigger in me. Be more in me.