symbols

So there have been all these symbols rolling around my head because of peoples dreams and visions for me.

The other day I was at a women's leadership meeting and as we were learning/doing a yoga breathing exercise (we were learning from other people's gifts and talents) - we were visualizing the ocean as we were breathing ... and the Lord reminded me of a dream someone had for me back in January.

Here's the dream:
I wanted to let you know that you've been on my heart and in my dreams twice this week. I'm awake for the second time recently with a distinct impression to pray for you and today with two images that I can't get out of my mind and I think are for you- a phonograph (you in the recent past proclaiming what the spirit told you) and a phonogram (you now, waiting to have new messages recorded onto you from the spirit) and these are sitting by the tide- steady, unchanging, and faithful to its schedule of highs and lows, just like our walks in faith. I don't know why these images and I don't know anything more than that they're yours, as are my prayers.

The Lord is also helping me understand a couple things from the recent visions of a friend. The most recent one was - the continued vision I just recently posted - had a bowl of water and a double edged sword sitting next to me at the Feast of the Lamb. I realized the sword is the Word ... pretty easy symbol to pull from scripture like these:

Hebrews 4:12

For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. 

Revelation 1: 12-16

When I turned to see who was speaking to me, I saw seven gold lampstands. And standing in the middle of the lampstands was someone like the Son of Man. He was wearing a long robe with a gold sash across his chest. His head and his hair were white like wool, as white as snow. And his eyes were like flames of fire. His feet were like polished bronze refined in a furnace, and his voice thundered like mighty ocean waves. He held seven stars in his right hand, and a sharp two-edged sword came from his mouth. And his face was like the sun in all its brilliance.

The bowl of water a little less easy ... but water and Spirit seem to go hand in hand... I immediately thought of the Living Water that Jesus spoke of here: 

John 7: 38-39

Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart.’”(When he said “living water,” he was speaking of the Spirit, who would be given to everyone believing in him. But the Spirit had not yet been given, because Jesus had not yet entered into his glory.)

BUT then I searched bowl of water and found these verses:

Judges 6:38

And that is just what happened. When Gideon got up early the next morning, he squeezed the fleece and wrung out a whole bowlful of water. 

Matthew 27:24

Pilate saw that he wasn’t getting anywhere and that a riot was developing. So he sent for a bowl of water and washed his hands before the crowd, saying, “I am innocent of this man’s blood. The responsibility is yours!”

So I am less sure exactly what the water means but I think that the 2 symbols together are the Spirit and the Word to be used as tools - to walk in - to remain in hand - to abide in. BUT this seems obvious to me .... I know this already - so perhaps a reminder? Not sure the purpose... still praying.

So as I am reading that verse above in Revelation with reference to the sword .... it says that Jesus' 'voice thundered like mighty ocean waves'. This immediately made me think of the dream my friend had about the phonograph and phonogram sitting next to the ocean. Perhaps the ocean is not just to depict the steady nature of God and his constancy with His people which she stated ... though true - but it could also depict His voice. Especially since the phonogram is waiting to be recorded ON... hmmmm.

The other piece the Lord has me thinking on is my mouth ... in the first vision it was missing and the cry at the end of the vision was "I want your appetite!" In the second vision my mouth is back and I am eating.... I think the Lord is telling me that my mouth is a symbol for receiving from Him.

So do I know what it all means .... ummm no. Not even close. Just need to get my thoughts down before I forget them and lose all the pieces. More praying to be done.

i need to say it again

Ok so Good Friday and Easter were hard. It seems I miss my old life more on the holidays. I miss being known and knowing others well. Though life here feels more connected and I am making friends ... it's just not the same as it was. I miss my people. I miss the friends I would sit and talk with each week, the people we would worship with on Sunday and see throughout the week. I miss having a place I belonged.
But in just a few shorts weeks we will be heading back for a visit ... and I am excited... but I also know I will not feel entirely at home there either. We will have been gone for a year and life will have moved on without us - as it should! So I know it will feel different - and that I will feel out of place, out of phase. Even though I will always love it there and have great memories ... we are here in our new home for a reason - and I am sure they are good reasons - I am just not sure entirely what they are yet! I am just a girl stuck in the middle of transition, waiting for the Lord to fill in some major blanks.

So for Good Friday and Easter I listened to music off the website of my old church. I NEEDED to sing O Sacred Head Now Wounded and Christ the Lord Has Risen Today - the way that I am used to. And I sang it out in my bedroom loud and then I cried. I wept because I missed everything, and I wept for a good friend whose life will never be the same because of sin, and I wept for the unrepentant man who caused the sorrow who just doesn't get that Jesus really IS enough.

Transition really bites. BUT it felt good to cry. It felt good to get some of that out and say again how hard it all is. To own it out loud BUT then get up and worship the Lord on Resurrection Day and praise Jesus for His great name and His good plans. Because even if life is hard and uncertain and I have no idea what to do with myself most of the time - He is still good! And He still loves me perfectly! And He proved how awesome He is by walking out of the grave. Resurrection is coming for all of us and today I need to say it again .... HE IS RISEN!!! He is Risen INDEED!

vision via text part 2

Another vision was texted to me by the same friend ... it's a continuation - still praying thru what it all means:

The Spirit had me praying for your legs and somehow, someway your RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) is tied to hunger. He showed me Mephibosheth sitting at the king's table, but it was your face and body that I saw in the vision. I know it was Mephibosheth bc the Spirit made it clear to me by referring me back to David and his invitation to Meph. The vision picked up where the first one left off. Your mouth reappeared and you  went to sit at the table with food beautifully displayed. You we're sitting and eating, but you we're savoring, not merely eating. Only you and the King were there. He was clothed in a heavily decked robe. It was white and gold. And you we're clothed in white, but I couldn't make out the details of your dress. Your radiance was so pure, so at peace, although there was a double edged sword (a small one) near your right arm on the table. At your left arm was a bowl of water.

Here is the text for Meph ... the part that stood out to me most is highlighted:

2 Samuel 9:  One day David asked, “Is anyone in Saul’s family still alive—anyone to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan’s sake?” 2 He summoned a man named Ziba, who had been one of Saul’s servants. “Are you Ziba?” the king asked.

“Yes sir, I am,” Ziba replied.

3 The king then asked him, “Is anyone still alive from Saul’s family? If so, I want to show God’s kindness to them.”

Ziba replied, “Yes, one of Jonathan’s sons is still alive. He is crippled in both feet.”

4 “Where is he?” the king asked.

“In Lo-debar,” Ziba told him, “at the home of Makir son of Ammiel.”

5 So David sent for him and brought him from Makir’s home. 6 His name was Mephibosheth[a]; he was Jonathan’s son and Saul’s grandson. When he came to David, he bowed low to the ground in deep respect. David said, “Greetings, Mephibosheth.”

Mephibosheth replied, “I am your servant.”

7 “Don’t be afraid!” David said. “I intend to show kindness to you because of my promise to your father, Jonathan. I will give you all the property that once belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will eat here with me at the king’s table!”

8 Mephibosheth bowed respectfully and exclaimed, “Who is your servant, that you should show such kindness to a dead dog like me?”

Then the king summoned Saul’s servant Ziba and said, “I have given your master’s grandson everything that belonged to Saul and his family. 10 You and your sons and servants are to farm the land for him to produce food for your master’s household.[b] But Mephibosheth, your master’s grandson, will eat here at my table.” (Ziba had fifteen sons and twenty servants.)

11 Ziba replied, “Yes, my lord the king; I am your servant, and I will do all that you have commanded.” And from that time on, Mephibosheth ate regularly at David’s table,[c] like one of the king’s own sons.

12 Mephibosheth had a young son named Mica. From then on, all the members of Ziba’s household were Mephibosheth’s servants. 13 And Mephibosheth, who was crippled in both feet, lived in Jerusalem and ate regularly at the king’s table.


2 Samuel 19: 24 Now Mephibosheth,[e] Saul’s grandson, came down from Jerusalem to meet the king. He had not cared for his feet, trimmed his beard, or washed his clothes since the day the king left Jerusalem. 25 “Why didn’t you come with me, Mephibosheth?” the king asked him.

26 Mephibosheth replied, “My lord the king, my servant Ziba deceived me. I told him, ‘Saddle my donkey[f] so I can go with the king.’ For as you know I am crippled. 27 Ziba has slandered me by saying that I refused to come. But I know that my lord the king is like an angel of God, so do what you think is best. 28 All my relatives and I could expect only death from you, my lord, but instead you have honored me by allowing me to eat at your own table! What more can I ask?”

29 “You’ve said enough,” David replied. “I’ve decided that you and Ziba will divide your land equally between you.”

30 “Give him all of it,” Mephibosheth said. “I am content just to have you safely back again, my lord the king!”

moving ahead

So now that my final Lenten Fast is closing I am thinking about the specifics of what is next. Here is what I know so far:

- God is still fairly quiet. I am hearing more from Him now but only bits. The Word is also still flat for me.

- The Book on fasting from Piper has been instrumental in reshaping my thinking about what God wants from me in the future. I believe God may be calling me to be a fasting intercessor for causes all around the world. I know I would like to pray for Love146 but I have no specific direction from the Lord what HE would like me to be praying for. So still waiting there.

- I do believe that the word I heard from the Lord "I want you hungry" is in reference to many things:
      ~ first that is about fasting regularly for causes
      ~ and second that it is about being hungry for Him - always! Piper put this all very well in his book
         here are a couple of quotes:
Yes, the kingdom has broken in. Yes, there is deep drinking even now on the end time glory manifest in Christ and experienced by His Spirit. But, no, this is not so full and uninterrupted that aching and longing and desiring are completely over come."
and
The strongest, most mature christians I have ever met are the hungriest for God. It might seem that those who eat most would be least hungry. But that is not the way it works with an inexhaustible fountain, and an infinite feast, and a glorious Lord. When you take your stand on the finished work of God in Christ, and begin to drink from the River of Life and eat the Bread of Heaven, and know that you have found the end of all your longings, YOU ONLY GET HUNGRIER FOR GOD.

- That from now on the Lord wants me to pray before every bite that I eat - so that I can discern whether or not I am to eat or fast, and if I am to eat - what exactly He wants me to eat. I received this word from the Lord through my own mouth a couple of years ago, but I chose to... ignore it? - put it off? - not sure which... because it seemed WAY TOO HARD. It still seems hard, but now - totally necessary.
       ~ so knowing how hard that will be, and that I still have quite a bit of weight to lose, and that I need to be practical in this while I practice... I plan to continue with Medifast. This involves 4 meals of their making 4 times a day, and 2 of my own that involve eating meat and veggies. So for the 2 meals that I will be choosing - I will practice praying beforehand and asking the Lord whether I am to eat - and what that should be, or whether I am to fast and what I am to be praying about. This should prove to be super hard, really good, and be a mess all at the same time. I am going to have to learn to hear God very clearly!! It will be like listening/eating/praying/fasting boot camp. Sounds exciting and crazy all rolled into one!

So lovely readers - prayer would be greatly appreciated!!!

the last one?

I am in a bit of a funk today. I have 2 big things going on in my life right now. The house hunt and fasting for Lent and both feel like a weight.

The house hunt seems less important to me in some ways. I think because it's not a spiritual issue that my mind deems it less important. And since I am currently not living in a ditch somewhere with my family ... and we are not suffering, this equals in my mind - less important. But alas it is a HUGE decision. It is huge because it will pretty much be the place we set down roots here in our new Florida home AND because it costs lots of money. Both very good reasons not to rush in and just find something - even though we are not relishing apartment life. So this decision and all the hunting that goes with it feels burdensome. I want to hear the Lord clearly and KNOW we are following His will and desires for us. I am trying not to worry about it all and just rest in the Lord and wait on his leading... but my husband is growing impatient with the process! He wants it done. And I get it - I would love to be done too - but not at the expense of choosing what is NOT meant for us.

The second big thing is fasting. This is my final week of the official Lenten fast... today begins my 6th fast and I will be fasting from Sunday dinner until Friday breakfast. Unfortunately, I do have a small break in there for a dinner that had to be rescheduled - so Tuesday for dinner I will be eating something lite. I considered going up through Easter morning but I have a lot of church decorating to do and I know that it will be crazy stressful and I don't want to be tired or dizzy or worn out.

I am happy in some sense to be almost done, but sad in other ways. I am happy to be able to eat more regularly again - even if I will still be on my Medifast plan. I have realized that eating is truly a blessing... and I think I have gained a new appreciation for being thankful about food and being filled up. But I am going to miss it too. There is an ease to not eating. The battle in my mind that happens in the kitchen is for the most part soooo very quiet now. Last week I had some serious temptation to give up on it all, but other than that - quiet. All that noise was too much a part of my day and life before - and I truly hope it does not return.

But the things I really wanted to change seem still the same to me. My idol still seems to be present. I know I still have a week and God can do as he pleases but I was truly hoping for that desire for self-soothing pleasure - especially in the form of food - would just die off totally in me. That God would break its hold over me and free me completely. That hasn't happened... yet... and perhaps it never will. I have realized that even more important to God is that I learn to pray at the start of each day, each meal, and each snack for HIM to guide me to whether I eat or fast. So that if He calls me to eat - I can be thankful and give Him the glory, and if He calls me to fast - I am thankful for a chance to catch up with Him and be open to intercession.

Obedience is a big deal to God. Obedience even in the face of temptation. I am never going to get it right all the time ... but that is why we NEED Jesus. He got it right and now stands in our place declaring us perfect... not so that we can just give up trying, but so that we can keep learning to live in His strength. So what does obedience look like for me here... it means not giving up. Even if I screw up I can always get back on track - chasing after the truth, confessing my sin, and letting it all be left with Jesus - and have that be enough! It means listening to the Spirit, and actually doing what He says, and resting in His power to conquer this flesh. And in those moments when I get it right - taking time to praise Him for the strength HE gave to get it right!

helpful rejection

I am feeling encouraged. But in a strange way.... Last weekend my family and I went house hunting, found one we liked, put in an offer, and got accepted. Yay! We thought - finally we will be getting a home and feel like we live here in Florida and we are not on some sort of weird vacation!!

There was a weird feeling in me however. I liked the house - but I did not love it. And I did not have the feeling in me that this was 'the one' that God had for us. I waffled but we didn't have time for that because we needed to put our offer in first and beat the trail of people behind us. While we were in the house too, we found out that we knew them from our church and we called them and said 'hey we like your house!' They canceled the open house for the next day and accepted our offer. All of this seemed like it could be God's leading. And my husband REALLY liked this house. So I prayed with him, and wanted to follow him, and felt a bit better about going ahead with it ... but the nagging feeling that this wasn't it kept pulling on me.

Indeed that feeling was right ... It was not for us... and the offer was unaccepted for various reasons ... and I felt RELIEVED!! I knew it wasn't right ... but I didn't know I could trust my guts to know it because the Lord has been so quiet with me. So I am encouraged to know He is leading this whole process - and we are not shooting in the dark trying to hit the mark ourselves!

The funny thing is the only house I have had my guts tell me was for us we did put an offer on (a couple weeks before this one) but were rejected from that one too. As soon as I walked in it - I felt at home instantly... I thought for sure it was for us ... it had everything we needed and more. My guts told me - this is it.  BUT I wonder if God showed that house to us because it IS meant for us... maybe... perhaps? Or if maybe it is the KIND of house we are meant to have and be looking for. Either way - I am glad to know He is leading. And mostly, that I am hearing Him.

Who knew rejection could be so helpful.

Hunger For God

So it's been a couple of weeks since I got that word from the Lord and the vision via text. I have been trying to press in ... but really haven't gotten very far. I have been reading John 6 A LOT. I have read up on manna. I have continued reading Ezekiel. I have read some other books I had just in hopes that something would pop out somewhere and be the help I need.... but nothing did.

I was emailing with a friend and she said she had a dream about me and in the dream I was confused and striving ... but that I was supposed to just rest and wait on the Lord. ugh. more waiting. Waiting is the worst because I never know how much to do and not do. I want to be open and pursuing but somehow keep my inward posture from shaking my fist at God, and running after my own answers. I seem to have a hard time striking the right balance.

So I am trying to calmly wait and not move into doubt ... so while I was waiting - I was googling the other day and typed in 'hunger for God'. Low and behold, John Piper has a book by that very title!! And guess what it's about... fasting!! So I ordered a copy and started reading it over the weekend. It's ridiculous ... I swear it could be written just for me - right now!

quotes:


The strongest, most mature christians I have ever met are the hungriest for God. It might seem that those who eat most would be least hungry. But that is not the way it works with an inexhaustible fountain, and an infinite feast, and a glorious Lord. When you take your stand on the finished work of God in Christ, and begin to drink from the River of Life and eat the Bread of Heaven, and know that you have found the end of all your longings, YOU ONLY GET HUNGRIER FOR GOD.

"The greatest adversary of love to God is not His enemies but His gifts. And the most deadly appetites are not for the poison of evil, but for the simplest pleasures of earth. For when these replace an appetite for God himself, the idolatry is scarcely recognizable, and most incurable."

These pleasures start as innocent delights in food, and reading, and resting and playing, but then become ends in themselves and choke off spiritual hunger for God. Paul buffets his body to put himself to the test. Does he hunger for God? Is his faith real? Or is he becoming the slave of comfort and bodily pleasures? You can hear the passion of his heart in 1 Corinthians 6:12 "I will not be dominated by anything." This is not the pride of stoic self-exaltation. It is the passionate resolve to resist ANYTHING  that lures the heart away from an all controlling satisfaction in God.

Powerful.

This is what kept me from eating everything I was tempted to eat tonight. I want Jesus more, I really do.  I want to end this idolatry and be free in Him again. Come and crush it, Jesus.

temptation

Today dawns on day number 33 of Lent. My 5th fast began today. Next week in theory is my last fast... of LENT. But I am also feeling like it may NEED to continue to have it's full work in me.... we shall see where God leads (herds) me next.

This fast (today's) has been different from the rest. I really, REALLY, did not want to fast this week. I want to eat but not just any food - I want to eat carbs!!! My taboo food - the food that sucks me into all my evil places - the place where I soothe and comfort myself, and justify my gluttony with little lies to myself and others. I want to just be normal, and eat with my family, and enjoy the taste of it on my tongue. I want that rush of delight. I want my stomach full and my headache gone. I want to satisfy my urge and desire, I want the pain in my stomach to be sated. I don't want to feel dizzy each time I get up, and I don't want to feel weak in my arms and legs. None of that has been fun.

Temptation has been knocking hard today... and I want to just throw it all away and run to the store and get something yummy to eat and sit down in front of Netflix and just tune out life.

Up until this fast it has been relatively easy to enter into fasting. I felt prepared and even eager at times. But I also feel like I wasn't getting anywhere... other than losing some weight. That is fine - but again not the goal. Last week I weighed myself and realized that since I started losing weight last summer I have lost a total of 30 pounds! That was amazing and encouraging to me... but it also gave my flesh license to relax... like way - WAY - too much. Somewhere deep inside I took pride in the lost weight and felt a reward was due. So I let myself loose and gave myself some treats ... 2 pieces of the cake for my daughters birthday, a bagel, some crackers, etc... Again none of this is bad in the hands of someone who eats without bowing down to an idol. And this may even sound tame to someone who does struggle with food - like perhaps I am being too hard on myself. BUT the problem is - I know what this does to ME. It is the gateway drug and soon I will let myself go back to the place where I overindulge - regularly.

This can not be. I can not do this again - I can not go there again. Jesus help. Be bigger in me. Be more in me.

hmmm....

I kept having the verses from Isaiah 61: 1-3 come across me for the past several days ... and then I felt like I was supposed to go back and read through my blog from the time we first arrived here in Florida and then I read this post from last August where I had this weird dream... I don't know what it all means... I am praying into it all again.... 

Here is the post from August:

I have been praying about what my restless leg syndrome means. Like I have mentioned before from reading Andrew Murray's Divine Healing ... everything the Lord gives us - or allows to come into our life is for a purpose. So the restless legs that lead to nights of insomnia on bad nights, and crazy flying all over with the covers on the better nights ... has to be for something - just what is it Lord?

As I was praying about it recently and getting up at night to try and walk out a bit of the leg crazies ... the Lord tied together my restless legs with a dream a friend had about me. Here is the gist of her dream:

You had just come back from a prophecy conference or something like that and you were so excited - glowing and beautiful. And you were especially excited about this new way of praying that you had learned. You wanted to show me, so you laid down on the floor and twisted your legs into a crazy but beautiful position. And it was clear that the strength in prayer came from your legs and this crazy beautiful position could not be achieved by human means.

I have no idea what the fullness of this all means but God specifically brought this to mind and said this dream and my restless legs go together somehow.

So I have been praying into that even more - wondering how it fits. Then one night earlier this week as I was struggling to remain asleep during a bought with my restless legs - I half awoke and recognized the time ... 1 am-ish again. I recognized this is around the time I have been waking regularly and I wondered if that time was important... I still don't know... but I wonder if something is happening somewhere around the world at that time that needs prayer... BUT God DID tell me that time in the middle of the night is training me for something. I definitely heard that I am being trained. Hmmm but for what exactly? Still don't know.

Then last night I woke up again at 1 am-ish and this time I just started praying ... asking God what I am praying for? - what does all this mean? WELL, then I had some crazy dreams about being a rescuer and heard the phrase 'setting captives free'... and heard the word/phrase P.O.W. In one part of the dream that I can remember I was leading a rescue in broad daylight on a children's brothel in some asian country ... dressed in a geisha-like robe and I could tell I was full of the Spirit and unafraid of anyone getting in my way because they were too afraid of the Lord. Sooo crazy stuff - right?

When I awoke this morning, I remembered this verse that I read from Isaiah the night before and found it in 61: 1-3


The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
    for the Lord has anointed me
    to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
    and to proclaim that captives will be released
    and prisoners will be freed.
He has sent me to tell those who mourn
    that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
    and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
To all who mourn in Zion,
    he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
    festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
    that the Lord has planted for his own glory.



Still praying ... we will see what happens tonight.