misunderstood

This past weekend I was with a group of women for a leaders retreat. It was a nice time to get to know some of the women at my church. Previous to this it was all more meet and greet kind of stuff, a dinner here or there, but nothing seemed to move me forward in friendships. This was concentrated time of sharing who we are and what God is stirring in us. I am not going to lie... it was still hard to be the new girl and feel like I didn't know anyone... but at the same time, I also felt like I was finally beginning to be a part of something.

At one point I had to/got to share very briefly about my Summer of Jesus and how I am longing for Jesus to be that close again. And share how God has revealed sin over and over again since then - which has been hard, but at least there was revelation and I was hearing from Him. And then of course what It is like now to be living in His silence. One person challenged me that perhaps I am not seeing God because I am only looking for the same kind of revelation as my Summer of Jesus. Honestly, I don't think that is true. Someone else suggested something similar - that perhaps I am not looking at Him rightly, or delving in enough, trying something new etc. Honestly, I still don't think that is it. And then one woman said she understood, and shared that at one point in her life she felt as if God had put a glass cloche over her. Nothing got in from Him, and nothing got out. It was silent. But here is the thing,  she counted it as a gift from the Lord, a time that she often looks back to and remembers. Hmmm... I am not feeling the gift part - maybe?... but this doesn't feel like gifts feel to me - gifts usually bring joy - and this simply does not, but I suppose it could in the end. Nonetheless something to think on regardless. But as she shared about what is was like under the glass cloche - that I totally get. I finally felt like someone has actually experienced what I am feeling. It's so hard to explain to others and even here as I have blogged about it - where writing comes easier than sharing out loud about things - I have struggled to put into words what it is like.


I felt as if being misunderstood was hard to live with ... but the woman leading everything said - no it's ok to be misunderstood. I wish I could remember what she qualified that statement with but I can't. All I know is that being misunderstood feels yucky to me - it's worse than being naked/vulnerable before others. If I am choosing to share - I at least want them to hear me as I see me - I want to be clear. I guess I want to control their perceptions about me... to some extent. Hmm ... also something to think on.