break

It is now day 8 of my Lenten Fast. And to be honest I am not sure I have gotten much out of it yet, except some weight loss. Last week at my weigh in on Thursday I had lost 5.5 pounds. All fine and good - I need to lose weight - but it's not really what I am looking for here.

Yesterday began my second fast ... after lunch because I had a lunch appointment, and will continue until breakfast on Friday morning. Generally, I feel better this go around than I did last week ... but it's still early.

I am not sure what to do with myself. I am trying to pray... it just feels like it hits the ceiling but I do it anyway. And I am reading Jeremiah ... I just felt like I was supposed to. I am enjoying his book - he is a passionate man - passionate for his people, and passionate for His Lord even more so. He weeps for them even while he has to speak over them the harsh things that the Lord is heaping upon his disobedient people. It is a hard truth but God will not let Jeremiah be silent ...


O Lord, you misled me,
    and I allowed myself to be misled.
You are stronger than I am,
    and you overpowered me.
Now I am mocked every day;
    everyone laughs at me.
When I speak, the words burst out.
    “Violence and destruction!” I shout.
So these messages from the Lord
    have made me a household joke.
But if I say I’ll never mention the Lord
    or speak in his name,
his word burns in my heart like a fire.
    It’s like a fire in my bones!
I am worn out trying to hold it in!
    I can’t do it! - Jer 20: 7-9

The Lord tells him to speak such harsh, awful things like ... He is making his people drink poison, and He will scatter them to the ends of the earth, He is sending an army to devour them. He reminds them again and again of their awful sin and begs and pleads with them to repent.

Their sin is idol worship. They can just walk to the temple or the nearest tree or high place and offer and easy cheap meal to a statue. Their sin is worshipping what is easy. They love comfort and ease more than they want to please The Lord. They want to feel good about themselves. They want the truth of what Jeremiah is saying to stop. They want to continue on as they see fit - not being told that what they have done - or are doing - is wrong. They love themselves more than they love The Lord.

I read these things ... and they seem not to affect me. Which is weird because all I can picture inside is a giant gold statue with my face on it. I know it is there ... I can see it in my minds eye. But it is not budging. And I do not know what to do. I read and I pray. I have asked God to smash it ... but I don't feel ANY movement. My guts are still disengaged. My heart is removed from it. When I read I am not broken. BUT I can not make this happen... it is the Lord's work... He has to break my heart, He has to crush me and bring me towards repentance. I want to come - I am ASKING to come .... but still I wait.

Lord break me like glass. I wait for YOU.