Today was blah. I felt tired all day - I even fell asleep while I was reading my kids a book! I was dizzy each time I got up. My stomach grumbled regularly sending out cravings for food. I had a massive headache all day. All I wanted to do was laze around... and in fact I did... we all did, kids included. One of my daughters woke up with an asthma attack and felt yucky the rest of the day and I just joined right in. We managed to fit some school work in - but mostly we piled onto my bed and read for most of the day. Not bad - but not awesome either.
I read a novel I wanted to finish up. Nothing spiritual but had some really great lines. What I wished I was doing however was reading the Bible, and praying... but I can feel myself avoiding that. I am not sure why.
Am I afraid of conviction? Afraid God won't show up? Afraid of letting my idol go? Maybe all of the above... whatever it is... the fear has to stop. So confession begins again. Because the one who fears has not been perfected in love, and I want to be perfected in Your love.
Lord, I surrender again. I give myself to you, again. I confess I am afraid - afraid that you won't heal me. That you will not show up and be present. I am afraid to let go of the idol that has been so present in me ... I am afraid of tears and feeling loss, and surrendering even more of myself than I am offering now. BUT Lord, I do NOT WANT TO BE AFRAID. Because I really want YOU to work in me, to free me, so I can believe in YOU, and trust YOU and Your will for me!!! Please help me let go! Fill me with new and right desires. Fill me with Your voice. Spirit take over ... and keep me moving toward You.
The Lord brought to mind something from my Summer of Jesus as I was praying. I wrote about in my very first blog entries years ago. The image of me standing on the ledge of a massive canyon. With my arms flung open wide, toes hanging over the edge. Not afraid because I knew the space I was standing over was filled with Jesus - He is everywhere full and in front of me. I stand there waiting and ready - ready to receive whatever He has for me ... because He has totally got me. If I fall, if I screw up, if there is a trial ... He catches me, forgives me, teaches me, and sets me right. But when He chooses sometimes I might fly - and float with Him through the air - soaring in the heights with Him showing me His great love and the pleasures of knowing Him so intimately, so deeply.
I long to know Him with that kind of freedom and abandon again. Come do Your work in me Spirit of God.
Ah Aimee. We are in the same place. Silly fears that hold us back from the intimacy we long for...and actually, it is HE Who creates the desire in the first place, as HE longs for us! I love Jesus because He continues to draw us, draw us out, draw us to Himself. Truly, apart from Him we can do nothing. We rest in His drawing power...and in His desire for us! I believe sometimes we have to step out first...outside of our fear in TRUST...and then we see, as you wrote, He is all around us, catching us, and sometimes calling us to fly. I'm learning that now. Laying down fears. Trying new things AS I look up at Him. I would not otherwise have the courage. But He is always giving grace. Don't you just love that about God? Always...giving. Like, He never runs out of ...... fill in the blank. Dependence is such a wonderful thing, and it's something He gently reminds us of. Because that is our place of supply .. strength .. living water .. wisdom .. love .. I used to be ashamed to admit that I am a dependent kind of person. My dependence all my life was ill placed in broken cisterns that truly hold no water. Sometimes I still go there. And God will let those cisterns fail, so I remember again to go to the Source of all my supply, which is Himself. Anyway. Thank you for your honesty. I have benefited more than you know by that!! Your honesty was the catalyst God used .. like a spark .. to open my heart when I first met you and attend the prayer sessions and book sessions with you. He has taught me since that there is nothing to fear in coming to Him. He desires intimacy .. He created it! .. and there is no need to fear the One Who loves us perfectly ... crap and all! .. which to me is AMAZING! Love & hugs <3 ~ Lois
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