Day 1

Today is supposed to be Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras. Which is usually the last day that many people party up and have their last fatty foods and commit their last 'sins' before they begin the fasting/contemplation/confession of Lent.

Except I began my fast today. That is just how it fit into my week. But I did have a few fat Tuesday moments before Lent began. I had some Raisenets one day over the weekend, and some pizza on Sunday night - even a breadstick! And I watched some TV through the weekend - trying to be done with a show before I forbade myself to watch it again until Lent is over. Crazy - right? I mean it's almost as if I showed my boobs to perfect strangers on the street!!!  

So today is Day 1 of my Lenten fast. Already I have been tempted to buy things at the grocery store I should not eat, and watch TV even though I said I wouldn't. My stomach has growled fiercely, and I have a headache. I feel tired and already took a nap today. Nothing awful, nothing life altering - not really so bad. I am sure I will feel differently by the time Friday morning rolls around and I can eat something - even if it's just a Medifast bar - or an egg again!


Though Mardi Gras has taken Fat Tuesday to a whole other level of horror and disgusting sin... I do see why it began... it exists because we really do NOT want to let go of the things we are trying to let go of. So the day before, we jam in as much of it as we can ... so we have good memories to fall back on while we attempt to be spiritual and deny ourselves.

My flesh really wants nothing to do with denying myself anything. My flesh wants unending pleasure, comfort, and happiness. It wants to be pampered and indulged. And I am far too eager to give it what it wants. Far too eager. My flesh does not want to give up its love of food. My flesh loves the comfort that food gives, the pleasure of it on my tongue, the rush of overindulging.

My flesh does not want it to go, but my SPIRIT does!! The new me - the one created in Christ sees the need to be free and out from under the control of my flesh. Food is the carrot dangling in front of my eyes that my flesh uses to get me to dive into all kinds of sin. It's not just food, but everything else that goes with it! The self-pity, the doubts, the never ending disquiet inside. And I watch more TV while I am eating - whiling away hours wasting opportunities to be praying, reading, playing with my kids, writing, being a friend, being a wife... just about anything else - that could possibly be useful in life!!

Time is being wasted - true, but mostly I know my heart worships and bows down to the idol that my flesh has set up in my heart. I am worshipping a false god and truly I think the face on that golden statue is my own. Who else does my flesh want to comfort and pleasure but itself ... It is ME that I worship.... yikes. It's me.

Lord, cut off my golden hands and feet, kill this idol, kill my flesh. Make me to bow down before you in all the hidden and not so hidden places inside. My Spirit longs to be free of this, empower me to let go, free me from this body of death and fill me instead with Your life, with Your Spirit, with love and obedience. I want to worship You and You only. To give you all my praise, and to once again enjoy the wonders of your presence. Clean me, resurrect me, make me new... for Your good pleasure and glory.