text conversation with a friend from church:
Hey Gurl,
The Spirit just spoke to me in a vision and it was a declaration for you,
"your appetite is mine, your hunger is mine, and your consumption is mine."
As I lingered in prayer... I saw a vision of you at Jesus' banquet table. But your mouth was a screwed up, like that scene in the Matrix where his mouth did this funky disappearing thing, but I could see in your eyes that you were confused. But I sensed your experience there was about your appetite, and not what naturally follows it.... Hunger and thirst and eventually sitting and consuming. "I want your appetite!" is the shout that ended the vision.
Where is this fitting into where He's shepherding your heart?
me:
Holy Cow ... this is so awesome and helpful!!! I had a word from the Lord on Monday night - He said, "I want you hungry"... I have been praying and reading trying to understand but haven't gotten very far... Other than that line from Allender's article that says that the prophet lives the message - which has been running in my head over and over again. And the Beattitudes verse - blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be satisfied.
What do you mean you 'sensed my experience there was about appetite and not what naturally flows?'
her:
This is me explaining the best I can here... not the Lord: your appetite/craving is without reference to your hunger. Hunger will follow after your cravings of intense desire are engaged further in His holiness. In essence, I was sensing that what precedes the hunger--craving, was the first layer into the revelation about why you must trust Jesus to show you why your hunger is crucial to your prophetic calling... a place that leads you to not soothe, but to crave, then to hunger, then to consume. Not sure I am making this any clearer. But there's a flow, a sequential flow.
me:
Thank you... I will think this thru
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
hun:ger
1hun·ger
noun \ˈhəŋ-gər\
: a very great need for food : a severe lack of food
: an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach that is caused by the need for food
: a strong desire : a strong desire for something or to do something
Full Definition of HUNGER
1
a : a craving or urgent need for food or a specific nutrient
b : an uneasy sensation occasioned by the lack of food
c : a weakened condition brought about by prolonged lack of food
2
: a strong desire : craving <a hunger for success>
Psalm 17:14-15
By the power of your hand, O Lord, destroy those who look to this world for their reward. But satisfy the hunger of your treasured ones. May their children have plenty, leaving an inheritance for their descendants. Because I am righteous, I will see you. When I awake, I will see you face to face and be satisfied.
- here David is asking God to listen to his prayer and take out his enemies ... satisfy the hunger in this verse doesn't just refer to the physical needs because he ends being satisfied with seeing the Lord face to face.
Psalm 145:16
When you open your hand, you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing.
- this psalm is full of praise and proclaims the blessings of the Lord to His people... here it refers to physical food but in the verses surrounding it - they talk about His closeness to those who call on Him, granting desires to those who fear Him, and hearing their cries for help.
Isaiah 49:10
They will neither hunger nor thirst. The searing sun will not reach them anymore. For the Lord in his mercy will lead them; he will lead them beside cool waters.
- this verse is about the Restoration of Israel after the exile... God is comforting His people and providing for their needs as a shepherd provides for His sheep... this definitely has a feel like Psalm 23
Micah 6:14
You will eat but never have enough. Your hunger pangs and emptiness will remain. And though you try to save your money, it will come to nothing in the end. You will save a little, but I will give it to those who conquer you.
- Micah is all about justice... and that is what God is calling for from His people but He is not getting it. So He says that He will wound His people for their perpetual sin and hunger is part of that punishment.
Micah 7:1
How miserable I am! I feel like the fruit picker after the harvest who can find nothing to eat. Not a cluster of grapes or a single early fig can be found to satisfy my hunger.
- Micah is crying out looking for someone anyone who is just - who is without sin among his people.
Matthew 5:6
God blesses those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.
- This is part of the Sermon on the Mount ... the Beattitudes... each listed with its reward. It doesn't say whether this refers to now - here on earth- or if this is a heavenly reward.
Luke 15:17
“When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger!
- The prodigal son realizing that at home - back with his father - life is way better and food is abundant even for those who are just working for him.
Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
1 The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
forever.
- this whole Psalm seems to say that God provides for His people in everything ... He is close always, He is always providing, He is always leading, always giving blessings, always good.
So after all this study I am still stuck wondering why God wants me to be hungry. In most instances - except the Beattitdes passage - hunger is either satisfied by God as He provides for His people or given as a punishment for sin. And when God said 'I want you hungry', I did not get the impression that it was because I was being sinful and therefore needed to be punished. BUT that it was for something else. I just still do not know what exactly. Why doesn't He want me to be satisfied in Him? Why does He want me perpetually craving - never at rest?
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
I want you hungry
I am pretty sure that yesterday I heard the Lord say ... "I want you hungry."
I have been thinking about being what it means to be a prophet ... especially that phrase from Allender's article that said "His life becomes the message... Hosea marries a prostitute to reveal the sorrow of God, Habakkuk argues with God on behalf of the people, and Jeremiah bears the fury of his hearers. He steps into the sin and allows it to affect him, and then uses the struggle to further the larger message."
So I began mulling this over ... if I have the gift of prophecy ... then does my idol of self-soothing - my struggle with food... serve some greater end - tell a story, and what is that end?
Then I began thinking about what Jesus said in John chapter 6 ...
35 Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.
48 Yes, I am the bread of life! 49 Your ancestors ate manna in the wilderness, but they all died. 50 Anyone who eats the bread from heaven, however, will never die. 51 I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever; and this bread, which I will offer so the world may live, is my flesh.”
53 So Jesus said again, “I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you cannot have eternal life within you. 54 But anyone who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise that person at the last day. 55 For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. 56 Anyone who eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him. 57 I live because of the living Father who sent me; in the same way, anyone who feeds on me will live because of me. 58 I am the true bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will not die as your ancestors did (even though they ate the manna) but will live forever.”
I keep wondering why I never feel satisfied ... both physically and spiritually .... I always feel like I need more - I always ache for more - I am always running after more. Shouldn't Jesus be enough? Shouldn't my salvation be enough to keep me sated? Why doesn't it?
So when I heard "I want you hungry" ... it wasn't just words ... they broke something in me on the inside and I choked out a cry. What was that all about...?
Lord, please reveal yourself here ... I am a bit lost.
I have been thinking about being what it means to be a prophet ... especially that phrase from Allender's article that said "His life becomes the message... Hosea marries a prostitute to reveal the sorrow of God, Habakkuk argues with God on behalf of the people, and Jeremiah bears the fury of his hearers. He steps into the sin and allows it to affect him, and then uses the struggle to further the larger message."
So I began mulling this over ... if I have the gift of prophecy ... then does my idol of self-soothing - my struggle with food... serve some greater end - tell a story, and what is that end?
Then I began thinking about what Jesus said in John chapter 6 ...
35 Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.
48 Yes, I am the bread of life! 49 Your ancestors ate manna in the wilderness, but they all died. 50 Anyone who eats the bread from heaven, however, will never die. 51 I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever; and this bread, which I will offer so the world may live, is my flesh.”
53 So Jesus said again, “I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you cannot have eternal life within you. 54 But anyone who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise that person at the last day. 55 For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. 56 Anyone who eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him. 57 I live because of the living Father who sent me; in the same way, anyone who feeds on me will live because of me. 58 I am the true bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will not die as your ancestors did (even though they ate the manna) but will live forever.”
I keep wondering why I never feel satisfied ... both physically and spiritually .... I always feel like I need more - I always ache for more - I am always running after more. Shouldn't Jesus be enough? Shouldn't my salvation be enough to keep me sated? Why doesn't it?
So when I heard "I want you hungry" ... it wasn't just words ... they broke something in me on the inside and I choked out a cry. What was that all about...?
Lord, please reveal yourself here ... I am a bit lost.
Monday, March 17, 2014
prophet
Ok for the women's leadership retreat that I just went on we read this great article by Dan Allender, called Mimicking Our Disruptive Father, and Our Diverse Older Brother. Here is the link if you want to read it .... http://www.leaderu.com/marshill/mhr05/mimick1.html
The first part was fine and interesting but where I got excited was when He starts talking about Jesus as our mediator and the 3 roles rolled up within ... the Prophet, Priest and King. I had heard all these terms thrown around before and understood their meaning, but I had never read an article on it before.
When he started describing the task, process, and calling of the prophet today I thought I might fly through the roof I was so excited to read something that described me so clearly. Especially after feeling so misunderstood earlier in the day.
Here are some quotes that stuck out:
A prophet disrupts denial and exposes the subtle and overt idolatry of the heart, provoking sorrow and shame that lead either to greater hardness or to repentance. But repentance is always offered on the promise of restoration and healing.
The prophet is a poet, an artist, a stranger who is not really part of the community, but stands outside the normal channels of conversation and commerce and invites the comfortable to see themselves in a new, disturbing light.
The prophet may stand outside the community, but he does not do so in a detached fashion. His life becomes the message. He marries a prostitute to reveal the sorrow of God (Hosea), he argues with God on behalf of the people (Habakkuk), and he bears the fury of his hearers (Jeremiah). He steps into the sin and allows it to affect him, and then uses the struggle to further the larger message. He is a radical reformer who may be critical, but he does so not without suffering for the people he exposes.
... and the best!!!
Who is this person? The prophet is anyone who is willing to think deeply about the human condition, speak truth, sorrow deeply, and bear the consequence of being viewed as an enemy of the status quo. Change cannot occur without disruption of deceit and blindness. Disruption will not be immediately appreciated, nor will it be honored. More often, it is met with attack. Therefore, the prophet often is gifted in living with ambiguity, pain, and desperate hope.
He will live in the tension between the horror and hope of the human soul. And he will learn to speak in a way that calls the heart to new vision about both. But in disturbing and energizing the heart, he will always be clear where he leads his hearer-to repentance that leads to worship and to service.
Isn't this so cool... anyone reading this should totally read the article and see where they lean within this paradigm of thought. It has been super helpful to me - to have someone so clearly explain how I feel most of the time.
The first part was fine and interesting but where I got excited was when He starts talking about Jesus as our mediator and the 3 roles rolled up within ... the Prophet, Priest and King. I had heard all these terms thrown around before and understood their meaning, but I had never read an article on it before.
When he started describing the task, process, and calling of the prophet today I thought I might fly through the roof I was so excited to read something that described me so clearly. Especially after feeling so misunderstood earlier in the day.
Here are some quotes that stuck out:
A prophet disrupts denial and exposes the subtle and overt idolatry of the heart, provoking sorrow and shame that lead either to greater hardness or to repentance. But repentance is always offered on the promise of restoration and healing.
The prophet is a poet, an artist, a stranger who is not really part of the community, but stands outside the normal channels of conversation and commerce and invites the comfortable to see themselves in a new, disturbing light.
The prophet may stand outside the community, but he does not do so in a detached fashion. His life becomes the message. He marries a prostitute to reveal the sorrow of God (Hosea), he argues with God on behalf of the people (Habakkuk), and he bears the fury of his hearers (Jeremiah). He steps into the sin and allows it to affect him, and then uses the struggle to further the larger message. He is a radical reformer who may be critical, but he does so not without suffering for the people he exposes.
... and the best!!!
Who is this person? The prophet is anyone who is willing to think deeply about the human condition, speak truth, sorrow deeply, and bear the consequence of being viewed as an enemy of the status quo. Change cannot occur without disruption of deceit and blindness. Disruption will not be immediately appreciated, nor will it be honored. More often, it is met with attack. Therefore, the prophet often is gifted in living with ambiguity, pain, and desperate hope.
He will live in the tension between the horror and hope of the human soul. And he will learn to speak in a way that calls the heart to new vision about both. But in disturbing and energizing the heart, he will always be clear where he leads his hearer-to repentance that leads to worship and to service.
Isn't this so cool... anyone reading this should totally read the article and see where they lean within this paradigm of thought. It has been super helpful to me - to have someone so clearly explain how I feel most of the time.
misunderstood
This past weekend I was with a group of women for a leaders retreat. It was a nice time to get to know some of the women at my church. Previous to this it was all more meet and greet kind of stuff, a dinner here or there, but nothing seemed to move me forward in friendships. This was concentrated time of sharing who we are and what God is stirring in us. I am not going to lie... it was still hard to be the new girl and feel like I didn't know anyone... but at the same time, I also felt like I was finally beginning to be a part of something.
At one point I had to/got to share very briefly about my Summer of Jesus and how I am longing for Jesus to be that close again. And share how God has revealed sin over and over again since then - which has been hard, but at least there was revelation and I was hearing from Him. And then of course what It is like now to be living in His silence. One person challenged me that perhaps I am not seeing God because I am only looking for the same kind of revelation as my Summer of Jesus. Honestly, I don't think that is true. Someone else suggested something similar - that perhaps I am not looking at Him rightly, or delving in enough, trying something new etc. Honestly, I still don't think that is it. And then one woman said she understood, and shared that at one point in her life she felt as if God had put a glass cloche over her. Nothing got in from Him, and nothing got out. It was silent. But here is the thing, she counted it as a gift from the Lord, a time that she often looks back to and remembers. Hmmm... I am not feeling the gift part - maybe?... but this doesn't feel like gifts feel to me - gifts usually bring joy - and this simply does not, but I suppose it could in the end. Nonetheless something to think on regardless. But as she shared about what is was like under the glass cloche - that I totally get. I finally felt like someone has actually experienced what I am feeling. It's so hard to explain to others and even here as I have blogged about it - where writing comes easier than sharing out loud about things - I have struggled to put into words what it is like.
I felt as if being misunderstood was hard to live with ... but the woman leading everything said - no it's ok to be misunderstood. I wish I could remember what she qualified that statement with but I can't. All I know is that being misunderstood feels yucky to me - it's worse than being naked/vulnerable before others. If I am choosing to share - I at least want them to hear me as I see me - I want to be clear. I guess I want to control their perceptions about me... to some extent. Hmm ... also something to think on.
At one point I had to/got to share very briefly about my Summer of Jesus and how I am longing for Jesus to be that close again. And share how God has revealed sin over and over again since then - which has been hard, but at least there was revelation and I was hearing from Him. And then of course what It is like now to be living in His silence. One person challenged me that perhaps I am not seeing God because I am only looking for the same kind of revelation as my Summer of Jesus. Honestly, I don't think that is true. Someone else suggested something similar - that perhaps I am not looking at Him rightly, or delving in enough, trying something new etc. Honestly, I still don't think that is it. And then one woman said she understood, and shared that at one point in her life she felt as if God had put a glass cloche over her. Nothing got in from Him, and nothing got out. It was silent. But here is the thing, she counted it as a gift from the Lord, a time that she often looks back to and remembers. Hmmm... I am not feeling the gift part - maybe?... but this doesn't feel like gifts feel to me - gifts usually bring joy - and this simply does not, but I suppose it could in the end. Nonetheless something to think on regardless. But as she shared about what is was like under the glass cloche - that I totally get. I finally felt like someone has actually experienced what I am feeling. It's so hard to explain to others and even here as I have blogged about it - where writing comes easier than sharing out loud about things - I have struggled to put into words what it is like.
I felt as if being misunderstood was hard to live with ... but the woman leading everything said - no it's ok to be misunderstood. I wish I could remember what she qualified that statement with but I can't. All I know is that being misunderstood feels yucky to me - it's worse than being naked/vulnerable before others. If I am choosing to share - I at least want them to hear me as I see me - I want to be clear. I guess I want to control their perceptions about me... to some extent. Hmm ... also something to think on.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
something way bigger
The last couple nights I have been unable to sleep. Restless legs which then lead to a busy mind. 2 nights ago I was up at 4 unable to sleep and read Jeremiah for 2 hours until I could finally fall back to sleep. Last night my mind was just spinning thinking about the idol inside me and wondering about why it's there ... what exactly it is, what the foothold of unbelief is present ... this also went on for 2 hours.
This image of a large golden statue with my face on it is all I can see of late. It is a massive roadblock. But as I told a friend yesterday ... I can't move it on my own... The Lord has to smash it. So I am waiting on the Lord for revelation, for His work to be done, for repentance and healing, for brokenness.
I know it has something to do with ease and comfort. Making myself feel good. That is why I eat. That is why I read novels and watch TV. That is why I run from my kids and hide out in my room. That is why when I give up all of my regular forms of pleasure I will just find something else to fill its place ... presently it is a game on my phone. All of these things I do to excess... none is bad in itself ... it is my sin of misuse and overuse that is bad.
Clearly I am trying to fill a hole that seems never to be filled. It always needs to be satisfied again. I always need another fix. My mind rarely feels at rest - rarely quiet - in fact, those things are what I use to quiet the constant war in my mind. Because when I am focused on the TV or a novel or the next tasty meal ... THEN my mind gets a break. So the things I run to are comforting to me - are really just a symptom of something way bigger. But these excesses need to be broken off at the source.
I realized last night as I tossed and turned half awake for 2 hours that it is a deep rooted self-centeredness. Feeding me and my needs to this level is a huge indication of this. This kind of self-centeredness is also at the root of depression which I have struggled with in the past. Depression is pride turned inward to an extreme level - an absorption of self - especially self-hatred. But here and now I do not feel depressed, and truly I do not think I have fallen into that trap again. So what is it then?
I fear it has something to do with a time long ago, when I was in Junior High. From 11 until the time I was saved at 16 ... I was extremely depressed. My parents had separated, I was living with my Mom, she had invited a man to live with us, and I had found out she had had an affair. Hatred burned in me for her, and myself ... and in the midst of it I was suicidal, and had demons speaking evil things to me. I didn't know what it was at the time - I just thought I was going crazy. Even as I think about this period in my life - I wonder what it could be that has taken such root. I feel like I have combed this area of my life so thoroughly and gotten all I can from it ... but yet as I prayed last night, I felt like this is where I ended up. It does seem logical that such an idol, a foothold of the sin of over comfort, could have taken root in a time where I was so very lost.
Lord, I need revelation. Please direct, Please reveal, lead me to repentance and freedom.
This image of a large golden statue with my face on it is all I can see of late. It is a massive roadblock. But as I told a friend yesterday ... I can't move it on my own... The Lord has to smash it. So I am waiting on the Lord for revelation, for His work to be done, for repentance and healing, for brokenness.
I know it has something to do with ease and comfort. Making myself feel good. That is why I eat. That is why I read novels and watch TV. That is why I run from my kids and hide out in my room. That is why when I give up all of my regular forms of pleasure I will just find something else to fill its place ... presently it is a game on my phone. All of these things I do to excess... none is bad in itself ... it is my sin of misuse and overuse that is bad.
Clearly I am trying to fill a hole that seems never to be filled. It always needs to be satisfied again. I always need another fix. My mind rarely feels at rest - rarely quiet - in fact, those things are what I use to quiet the constant war in my mind. Because when I am focused on the TV or a novel or the next tasty meal ... THEN my mind gets a break. So the things I run to are comforting to me - are really just a symptom of something way bigger. But these excesses need to be broken off at the source.
I realized last night as I tossed and turned half awake for 2 hours that it is a deep rooted self-centeredness. Feeding me and my needs to this level is a huge indication of this. This kind of self-centeredness is also at the root of depression which I have struggled with in the past. Depression is pride turned inward to an extreme level - an absorption of self - especially self-hatred. But here and now I do not feel depressed, and truly I do not think I have fallen into that trap again. So what is it then?
I fear it has something to do with a time long ago, when I was in Junior High. From 11 until the time I was saved at 16 ... I was extremely depressed. My parents had separated, I was living with my Mom, she had invited a man to live with us, and I had found out she had had an affair. Hatred burned in me for her, and myself ... and in the midst of it I was suicidal, and had demons speaking evil things to me. I didn't know what it was at the time - I just thought I was going crazy. Even as I think about this period in my life - I wonder what it could be that has taken such root. I feel like I have combed this area of my life so thoroughly and gotten all I can from it ... but yet as I prayed last night, I felt like this is where I ended up. It does seem logical that such an idol, a foothold of the sin of over comfort, could have taken root in a time where I was so very lost.
Lord, I need revelation. Please direct, Please reveal, lead me to repentance and freedom.
break
It is now day 8 of my Lenten Fast. And to be honest I am not sure I have gotten much out of it yet, except some weight loss. Last week at my weigh in on Thursday I had lost 5.5 pounds. All fine and good - I need to lose weight - but it's not really what I am looking for here.
Yesterday began my second fast ... after lunch because I had a lunch appointment, and will continue until breakfast on Friday morning. Generally, I feel better this go around than I did last week ... but it's still early.
I am not sure what to do with myself. I am trying to pray... it just feels like it hits the ceiling but I do it anyway. And I am reading Jeremiah ... I just felt like I was supposed to. I am enjoying his book - he is a passionate man - passionate for his people, and passionate for His Lord even more so. He weeps for them even while he has to speak over them the harsh things that the Lord is heaping upon his disobedient people. It is a hard truth but God will not let Jeremiah be silent ...
O Lord, you misled me,
and I allowed myself to be misled.
You are stronger than I am,
and you overpowered me.
Now I am mocked every day;
everyone laughs at me.
When I speak, the words burst out.
“Violence and destruction!” I shout.
So these messages from the Lord
have made me a household joke.
But if I say I’ll never mention the Lord
or speak in his name,
his word burns in my heart like a fire.
It’s like a fire in my bones!
I am worn out trying to hold it in!
I can’t do it! - Jer 20: 7-9
The Lord tells him to speak such harsh, awful things like ... He is making his people drink poison, and He will scatter them to the ends of the earth, He is sending an army to devour them. He reminds them again and again of their awful sin and begs and pleads with them to repent.
Their sin is idol worship. They can just walk to the temple or the nearest tree or high place and offer and easy cheap meal to a statue. Their sin is worshipping what is easy. They love comfort and ease more than they want to please The Lord. They want to feel good about themselves. They want the truth of what Jeremiah is saying to stop. They want to continue on as they see fit - not being told that what they have done - or are doing - is wrong. They love themselves more than they love The Lord.
I read these things ... and they seem not to affect me. Which is weird because all I can picture inside is a giant gold statue with my face on it. I know it is there ... I can see it in my minds eye. But it is not budging. And I do not know what to do. I read and I pray. I have asked God to smash it ... but I don't feel ANY movement. My guts are still disengaged. My heart is removed from it. When I read I am not broken. BUT I can not make this happen... it is the Lord's work... He has to break my heart, He has to crush me and bring me towards repentance. I want to come - I am ASKING to come .... but still I wait.
Lord break me like glass. I wait for YOU.
Yesterday began my second fast ... after lunch because I had a lunch appointment, and will continue until breakfast on Friday morning. Generally, I feel better this go around than I did last week ... but it's still early.
I am not sure what to do with myself. I am trying to pray... it just feels like it hits the ceiling but I do it anyway. And I am reading Jeremiah ... I just felt like I was supposed to. I am enjoying his book - he is a passionate man - passionate for his people, and passionate for His Lord even more so. He weeps for them even while he has to speak over them the harsh things that the Lord is heaping upon his disobedient people. It is a hard truth but God will not let Jeremiah be silent ...
O Lord, you misled me,
and I allowed myself to be misled.
You are stronger than I am,
and you overpowered me.
Now I am mocked every day;
everyone laughs at me.
When I speak, the words burst out.
“Violence and destruction!” I shout.
So these messages from the Lord
have made me a household joke.
But if I say I’ll never mention the Lord
or speak in his name,
his word burns in my heart like a fire.
It’s like a fire in my bones!
I am worn out trying to hold it in!
I can’t do it! - Jer 20: 7-9
The Lord tells him to speak such harsh, awful things like ... He is making his people drink poison, and He will scatter them to the ends of the earth, He is sending an army to devour them. He reminds them again and again of their awful sin and begs and pleads with them to repent.
Their sin is idol worship. They can just walk to the temple or the nearest tree or high place and offer and easy cheap meal to a statue. Their sin is worshipping what is easy. They love comfort and ease more than they want to please The Lord. They want to feel good about themselves. They want the truth of what Jeremiah is saying to stop. They want to continue on as they see fit - not being told that what they have done - or are doing - is wrong. They love themselves more than they love The Lord.
I read these things ... and they seem not to affect me. Which is weird because all I can picture inside is a giant gold statue with my face on it. I know it is there ... I can see it in my minds eye. But it is not budging. And I do not know what to do. I read and I pray. I have asked God to smash it ... but I don't feel ANY movement. My guts are still disengaged. My heart is removed from it. When I read I am not broken. BUT I can not make this happen... it is the Lord's work... He has to break my heart, He has to crush me and bring me towards repentance. I want to come - I am ASKING to come .... but still I wait.
Lord break me like glass. I wait for YOU.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Day 2
Today was blah. I felt tired all day - I even fell asleep while I was reading my kids a book! I was dizzy each time I got up. My stomach grumbled regularly sending out cravings for food. I had a massive headache all day. All I wanted to do was laze around... and in fact I did... we all did, kids included. One of my daughters woke up with an asthma attack and felt yucky the rest of the day and I just joined right in. We managed to fit some school work in - but mostly we piled onto my bed and read for most of the day. Not bad - but not awesome either.
I read a novel I wanted to finish up. Nothing spiritual but had some really great lines. What I wished I was doing however was reading the Bible, and praying... but I can feel myself avoiding that. I am not sure why.
Am I afraid of conviction? Afraid God won't show up? Afraid of letting my idol go? Maybe all of the above... whatever it is... the fear has to stop. So confession begins again. Because the one who fears has not been perfected in love, and I want to be perfected in Your love.
Lord, I surrender again. I give myself to you, again. I confess I am afraid - afraid that you won't heal me. That you will not show up and be present. I am afraid to let go of the idol that has been so present in me ... I am afraid of tears and feeling loss, and surrendering even more of myself than I am offering now. BUT Lord, I do NOT WANT TO BE AFRAID. Because I really want YOU to work in me, to free me, so I can believe in YOU, and trust YOU and Your will for me!!! Please help me let go! Fill me with new and right desires. Fill me with Your voice. Spirit take over ... and keep me moving toward You.
The Lord brought to mind something from my Summer of Jesus as I was praying. I wrote about in my very first blog entries years ago. The image of me standing on the ledge of a massive canyon. With my arms flung open wide, toes hanging over the edge. Not afraid because I knew the space I was standing over was filled with Jesus - He is everywhere full and in front of me. I stand there waiting and ready - ready to receive whatever He has for me ... because He has totally got me. If I fall, if I screw up, if there is a trial ... He catches me, forgives me, teaches me, and sets me right. But when He chooses sometimes I might fly - and float with Him through the air - soaring in the heights with Him showing me His great love and the pleasures of knowing Him so intimately, so deeply.
I long to know Him with that kind of freedom and abandon again. Come do Your work in me Spirit of God.
I read a novel I wanted to finish up. Nothing spiritual but had some really great lines. What I wished I was doing however was reading the Bible, and praying... but I can feel myself avoiding that. I am not sure why.
Am I afraid of conviction? Afraid God won't show up? Afraid of letting my idol go? Maybe all of the above... whatever it is... the fear has to stop. So confession begins again. Because the one who fears has not been perfected in love, and I want to be perfected in Your love.
Lord, I surrender again. I give myself to you, again. I confess I am afraid - afraid that you won't heal me. That you will not show up and be present. I am afraid to let go of the idol that has been so present in me ... I am afraid of tears and feeling loss, and surrendering even more of myself than I am offering now. BUT Lord, I do NOT WANT TO BE AFRAID. Because I really want YOU to work in me, to free me, so I can believe in YOU, and trust YOU and Your will for me!!! Please help me let go! Fill me with new and right desires. Fill me with Your voice. Spirit take over ... and keep me moving toward You.
The Lord brought to mind something from my Summer of Jesus as I was praying. I wrote about in my very first blog entries years ago. The image of me standing on the ledge of a massive canyon. With my arms flung open wide, toes hanging over the edge. Not afraid because I knew the space I was standing over was filled with Jesus - He is everywhere full and in front of me. I stand there waiting and ready - ready to receive whatever He has for me ... because He has totally got me. If I fall, if I screw up, if there is a trial ... He catches me, forgives me, teaches me, and sets me right. But when He chooses sometimes I might fly - and float with Him through the air - soaring in the heights with Him showing me His great love and the pleasures of knowing Him so intimately, so deeply.
I long to know Him with that kind of freedom and abandon again. Come do Your work in me Spirit of God.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Day 1
Today is supposed to be Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras. Which is usually the last day that many people party up and have their last fatty foods and commit their last 'sins' before they begin the fasting/contemplation/confession of Lent.
Except I began my fast today. That is just how it fit into my week. But I did have a few fat Tuesday moments before Lent began. I had some Raisenets one day over the weekend, and some pizza on Sunday night - even a breadstick! And I watched some TV through the weekend - trying to be done with a show before I forbade myself to watch it again until Lent is over. Crazy - right? I mean it's almost as if I showed my boobs to perfect strangers on the street!!!
So today is Day 1 of my Lenten fast. Already I have been tempted to buy things at the grocery store I should not eat, and watch TV even though I said I wouldn't. My stomach has growled fiercely, and I have a headache. I feel tired and already took a nap today. Nothing awful, nothing life altering - not really so bad. I am sure I will feel differently by the time Friday morning rolls around and I can eat something - even if it's just a Medifast bar - or an egg again!
Though Mardi Gras has taken Fat Tuesday to a whole other level of horror and disgusting sin... I do see why it began... it exists because we really do NOT want to let go of the things we are trying to let go of. So the day before, we jam in as much of it as we can ... so we have good memories to fall back on while we attempt to be spiritual and deny ourselves.
My flesh really wants nothing to do with denying myself anything. My flesh wants unending pleasure, comfort, and happiness. It wants to be pampered and indulged. And I am far too eager to give it what it wants. Far too eager. My flesh does not want to give up its love of food. My flesh loves the comfort that food gives, the pleasure of it on my tongue, the rush of overindulging.
My flesh does not want it to go, but my SPIRIT does!! The new me - the one created in Christ sees the need to be free and out from under the control of my flesh. Food is the carrot dangling in front of my eyes that my flesh uses to get me to dive into all kinds of sin. It's not just food, but everything else that goes with it! The self-pity, the doubts, the never ending disquiet inside. And I watch more TV while I am eating - whiling away hours wasting opportunities to be praying, reading, playing with my kids, writing, being a friend, being a wife... just about anything else - that could possibly be useful in life!!
Time is being wasted - true, but mostly I know my heart worships and bows down to the idol that my flesh has set up in my heart. I am worshipping a false god and truly I think the face on that golden statue is my own. Who else does my flesh want to comfort and pleasure but itself ... It is ME that I worship.... yikes. It's me.
Lord, cut off my golden hands and feet, kill this idol, kill my flesh. Make me to bow down before you in all the hidden and not so hidden places inside. My Spirit longs to be free of this, empower me to let go, free me from this body of death and fill me instead with Your life, with Your Spirit, with love and obedience. I want to worship You and You only. To give you all my praise, and to once again enjoy the wonders of your presence. Clean me, resurrect me, make me new... for Your good pleasure and glory.
Except I began my fast today. That is just how it fit into my week. But I did have a few fat Tuesday moments before Lent began. I had some Raisenets one day over the weekend, and some pizza on Sunday night - even a breadstick! And I watched some TV through the weekend - trying to be done with a show before I forbade myself to watch it again until Lent is over. Crazy - right? I mean it's almost as if I showed my boobs to perfect strangers on the street!!!
So today is Day 1 of my Lenten fast. Already I have been tempted to buy things at the grocery store I should not eat, and watch TV even though I said I wouldn't. My stomach has growled fiercely, and I have a headache. I feel tired and already took a nap today. Nothing awful, nothing life altering - not really so bad. I am sure I will feel differently by the time Friday morning rolls around and I can eat something - even if it's just a Medifast bar - or an egg again!
Though Mardi Gras has taken Fat Tuesday to a whole other level of horror and disgusting sin... I do see why it began... it exists because we really do NOT want to let go of the things we are trying to let go of. So the day before, we jam in as much of it as we can ... so we have good memories to fall back on while we attempt to be spiritual and deny ourselves.
My flesh really wants nothing to do with denying myself anything. My flesh wants unending pleasure, comfort, and happiness. It wants to be pampered and indulged. And I am far too eager to give it what it wants. Far too eager. My flesh does not want to give up its love of food. My flesh loves the comfort that food gives, the pleasure of it on my tongue, the rush of overindulging.
My flesh does not want it to go, but my SPIRIT does!! The new me - the one created in Christ sees the need to be free and out from under the control of my flesh. Food is the carrot dangling in front of my eyes that my flesh uses to get me to dive into all kinds of sin. It's not just food, but everything else that goes with it! The self-pity, the doubts, the never ending disquiet inside. And I watch more TV while I am eating - whiling away hours wasting opportunities to be praying, reading, playing with my kids, writing, being a friend, being a wife... just about anything else - that could possibly be useful in life!!
Time is being wasted - true, but mostly I know my heart worships and bows down to the idol that my flesh has set up in my heart. I am worshipping a false god and truly I think the face on that golden statue is my own. Who else does my flesh want to comfort and pleasure but itself ... It is ME that I worship.... yikes. It's me.
Lord, cut off my golden hands and feet, kill this idol, kill my flesh. Make me to bow down before you in all the hidden and not so hidden places inside. My Spirit longs to be free of this, empower me to let go, free me from this body of death and fill me instead with Your life, with Your Spirit, with love and obedience. I want to worship You and You only. To give you all my praise, and to once again enjoy the wonders of your presence. Clean me, resurrect me, make me new... for Your good pleasure and glory.
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